Almost there

[Shrek]

Lived in the nightmare of abuse and adultery by my ex for years and finally made the move in 2017 to file for divorce after yet another psychotic episode.  Took months and tens of thousands of dollars but finally secured my children's safety also. Family court placed the girls with me along with legal custody.
My ex had them living in filth even though she was unemployed (by choice), I was paying the bills and providing $1000-1200 a month for 'gas and groceries'. Somehow, that made me the bad person? I was also at fault for my 11 YO missing 40 days of school even when our pediatrician said she is fine and needs to be in school and all the absences happened in mother's care.
Girls began and have completed (for now) counseling and I also attended counseling for a good amount of time. We're doing well, getting to school or camp every day, with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, clean clothes and house and a reasonable schedule. I'm seeing a wonderful woman who is the polar opposite of my ex (warm, accepting, loving, patient, ... .)
Came to BPD family late after seeing a link on shrink4men (I know, some of you don't approve, S4M was extremely helpful during the chaos and custody hearings).
Doing well as a family but still have constant attacks and a total refusal to coparent from my ex. She actually won't LET me pay her electric bill now so the girls have electricity and running water during visitation.
Thanks for the site, plenty of resources here it seems and knowing I'm not alone helps.

[ForeverDad]

Family court placed the girls with me along with legal custody... .my 11 YO missing 40 days of school even when our pediatrician said she is fine and needs to be in school and all the absences happened in mother's care.

Doing well as a family but still have constant attacks and a total refusal to coparent from my ex.

My last time in court I was trying to get majority time.  I had tried once before but the GAL recommended (and we parents had to agree) that yes I could get custody but no I couldn't get majority time or else mother couldn't get her child support.  So there I was, back in court playing recordings of the ex's phone demands and games regarding exchanges.  The decision later even commented, "In the tapes Mother is often yelling so loudly that it is difficult to endure listening to her."  The court decision noted, six times, that I was being disparaged, one quote is "continued disparagement of Father to the child"  Did I get majority time for that?  No.  "However, after considerable thought, this magistrate is willing to give Mother one more try... .Mother shall have {continued equal} summer parenting time."

However, that was not all.  Teachers (reluctantly) testified that she had caused a scene at a Fifth Grade overnight field trip while removing him that first evening because her parenting time had started.  I also had a school report that listed me with a few tardies, while she had about 20 tardies.  I have since come to realize that impacting school is a big No-No for parents, it has an out-sized weight in family court.  So I did get majority time but only during the school year.

While I'm not trying to minimize all the other misbehaviors of your ex, they were certainly neglectful and endangering the children, how school is impacted gets a lot of attention.

[livednlearned]

40 days of missed school is a lot 

What kind of visitation schedule is in place?

What are some of the coparenting issues you two are trying to work on?

Many of us here found parallel parenting to be the gold standard... .

[Shrek]

Thank you FD. I sincerely hope your situation improves for you and the children's sake. The court did consider her other behaviors-namely homicide and suicide threats, dangerous and filthy conditions in the home and other erratic behaviors.
It should also be note that until I alerted the school that their lack of effort to resolve the issue would be addressed in court and they needed to stick to their published policies regarding attendance. In other words, "Get ready to have your action or lack of action scrutinized closely. " This elicited a slew of last minute meetings with the school to cover their... .uhhhhh, tracks.

lived, It is a lot. Along with the other behaviors, the poor attendance  gave me some leverage to move the girls to a more stable home. Their mother has every other weekend provided she has utilities (she has squatted in the house for 16 months, the last 2.5 months with no power or water. I cannot speak to coparenting. The girl's mother refuses to speak with me. 100% refusal to communicate at all. Emails are answered occasionally, but rarely answer questions or communicate anything besides hostility. Her communications with the girls are erratic and she has directed them to delete all communications immediately so there is no record.
I have found that I am effectively a single parent. It's incredibly frustrating and very sad to witness the decline. The girls ARE doing much better though

[Radcliff]

Wow, that's a tough situation with your ex, but congratulations on getting your daughters to a better place.  You've got one 11 year-old.  How many more daughters do you have?  What age(s)?

That must be very difficult for you to see your ex not be able to be there for your daughters with basic utilities for short periods of time.  If she has no utilities now, what happens when her weekend is coming up and there are no utilities?

Is the woman you are seeing part of your children's lives or are you keeping those two parts of your life separate for now?  That's fantastic for you that you've connected with someone who is healthy for you!

WW

[david]

My ex had majority of time during school but did next to nothing to help them with their homework, etc. I copied every homework with my signature. Ex started signing the few they did at her place after she noticed my signature. I had a pile of homework that was about 6 or 7 inches tall. I had one sheet of paper with the percentages, number of days at moms and dads, number of homework done at moms and dads, etc. The boys did over 95 % of homework when with me. That made it easy in court to get more time.
 
IF ex does not have utilities at her residence I would not let them stay with her. I would not pay for the utilities since that is allowing her to not change. It would then be her decision to take you to court. I don't think any judge would disagree with your decision. Perhaps supervised visitation is a better scenario for now until ex can show a reason for change.

[Shrek]

Wentworth, I've got five daughters in all-32, 29, 20, 13 and 11. Watching her decline is less difficult now that the girls are safe and she has no day to day impact on us. It is sad and frustrating. None of this trauma should have been necessary.
We are still litigating the utilities issue as it relates to visitation. Currently, she is spending time at friends houses on her visitation weekends. My 11 year old has declared clearly that she doesn't wish to stay at the house without utilities and the court did note that it's a danger. It's been a very contentious issue. The conditions at the house were truly unfit but it still took months to change custody.
The woman I'm seeing is part of their lives on a pretty limited basis. We occasionally eat together, or attend movies, or such. No overnights or even late nights. She is very understanding of the boundaries and doesn't push at all; The opposite, in fact, she is very reserved when the girls are around, including no public displays of affection or any kind of parenting input. I think it's healthy for all involved.
David, The homework issue parallels my own. Even when the girl's mom had majority time, most homework was done at my place. It actually became a bit of an arguement because they'd miss school when with her and have to make up the work while with me.
I have discussed keeping the girls with me until utilities are reestablished. It is still being litigated. I am only paying so the girls can see their mom in safety and comfort. After the last 16 months, I'm afraid I do not have your faith in the family court system. It took a MOUNTAIN of evidence to convince them the girls would be better off in a stable environment, while early visitation for me was stopped cold on complete falsehoods.

[ForeverDad]

Apparently you're keeping the relationship limited because of ex's likely overreaction?  Courts, lawyers and other professionals around court know that people Move On in their lives.  It sounds like this isn't "last month I met someone", right?  Maybe look at this from the other end of the telescope... .could your children be thinking you're a bit timid to stand up for yourself and Move On?  Not that you invite conflict or push the limits of your moral comfort zone, of course.  But just because the ended marriage still has issues doesn't mean you need to keep walking on eggshells.  Well, eventually.

[livednlearned]

She is very understanding of the boundaries and doesn't push at all; The opposite, in fact, she is very reserved when the girls are around, including no public displays of affection or any kind of parenting input. I think it's healthy for all involved.

I went through a similar process and it worked out well for us. Slow wins the day.

With all 3 of my SO's kids, I presented myself sort of like a benevolent aunt. I am in the family and engaged, but not trying to be a mother figure because they don't have a good experience with that particular role. I'm not trying to be their mom, and it has helped everyone exhale.

Same with my son. We took 3 years to move in with SO. By then, SO was regular as rain. My kid is probably the most reluctant to blend as a family. Partly from being an only child, and partly from asperger's. But SO taught him to drive and treats him with a lot of respect, and doesn't try to be his dad.

Blending families after BPD is no walk in the park! It's healthy to have boundaries so that people can ease into new roles.

It may make it easier for your girls to bond with your GF knowing how off the charts your ex is, and how respectful you/your GF are being about boundaries.

[david]

Trust me, I do not have any faith in the family court system. It took me over three years to get custody changed so that I had 50/50 during the school year. It actually was easier to get 50/50 for the summer ?
I found that trying to make sense of the court system is just as nutty as trying to make sense of my ex and her way of thinking.
My first attorney was horrible and it took me a while to figure that out. My new attorney listened and explained what he needed to get from me to accomplish my goal. Also, by then, I had a better understanding of what the court was looking for.
I learned from my new attorney that introducing things as evidence makes a big difference. Verbal testimony becomes something a judge can use but he/she must make their decision based on evidence. Documented evidence must be used to make a decision and if it is not then the decision can be contested. Verbal testimony is not as reliable in court or at least not viewed that way. The problem is evidence takes time to introduce. It is a procedure and courts don't like it because it slows things down. My attorney didn't care about that and, to be honest, neither did I. Having a pile 6 or 7 inches tall was dramatic. The judge looked at the pile and noticed the top sheet. He asked ex if she agreed with the top sheet. She was given a copy. Ex agreed so that was the only thing introduced as evidence. If she did not agree we would have to go through each sheet and agree or disagree with each one. That would have taken days. Ex was smart enough to realize, A) I wasn't lying and B) not agreeing would have not made the judge a happy camper. If she went with B I was prepared to ask for much more.
I did things over the years that did not follow exactly the way our court order was written. I picked up our son at school because he was sick. It was during ex's custodial time. The nurse tried calling ex a few times and left a message. The nurse then called me. I picked him up and got him in bed. I emailed ex letting her know what I did. She demanded, in an email, that I take "her" son to her residence. I explained he was ill, in bed, his symptoms, and that I would not be taking him out of bed unless I thought he needed to go to the hospital or doctor. Ex actually called the police and they called me to ask what was going on. I explained myself and he agreed with my decision. He asked me to reach out to ex so I sent another email letting her know what happened with the police and how are son was doing. Ex then sent another email, which she cc'd to her attorney, saying I was in violation of our court order and she wanted to go back to court. I viewed it as a phony threat and ignored it. Nothing ever came of it.
I parallel parent so I stopped arguing, discussing, etc. anything with ex. That was an effort in futility.

[Skip]

Currently, she is spending time at friends houses on her visitation weekends. My 11 year old has declared clearly that she doesn't wish to stay at the house without utilities and the court did note that it's a danger. It's been a very contentious issue. The conditions at the house were truly unfit but it still took months to change custody.

It's really hard to read when things get this bad. 11-13 are really formative years for girls.

 

[Radcliff]

Are the three older girls from the same marriage?  Do any of them live with you?  How are they doing?  Are they able to be a regular part of their little sisters' lives, healthy female role models, etc.?

You've secured majority parenting time and safety for your kids.  What issues exactly are you still litigating?  In many states you risk a re-examination of parenting time each time you go back to court.  What are your thoughts on balancing the risk/cost vs. benefit for the remaining issues you're litigating?

WW

[Shrek]

David, My case was very similar-Documented everything and tried to keep all communications on text or email so lies and half-truths could be exposed. My lawyer was not shy about introducing evidence and there was a lot of damning evidence to present. We were seperated less than a month and she had paid accounts on three dating sites, took three vacations, went to amusement parks and such, refused to turn over cash and goods to her father's estate after being court ordered to do so, lost her driver's license,  did not pursue any kind of employment... .all in all, very high conflict. My lawyer is unfortunately experienced in high conflict cases and pursued every avenue of relief.

Wentworth, My two oldest are from my first marriage. I have very good relationships with them and they are a good but distant influence on their little sisters. My 20 year old is in college about 3 hours away and is home frequently. She was actually instrumental in getting the younger girls out of the house. Came to me and said, "My sisters can't live like this." She provided pictures of the filth and was willing to testify. That is another story entirely, which is very sad even though that chapter is over. In her words, she was compelled to "help her sisters escape."

[livednlearned]

My 20 year old is in college about 3 hours away and is home frequently. She was actually instrumental in getting the younger girls out of the house. Came to me and said, "My sisters can't live like this." She provided pictures of the filth and was willing to testify. That is another story entirely, which is very sad even though that chapter is over. In her words, she was compelled to "help her sisters escape."

That must be hard to recover from. First the depth of the betrayal, then rescuing your daughters.

Family law court is such a blunt instrument it can be a second kind of trauma.

[Radcliff]

That was very courageous of D20.  Congrats on launching her to college in the midst of all the chaos.  It's nice that she's close enough to come home if she wants.

WW

[ForeverDad]

Courts and agencies get so much complaining and allegations from 'bickering' parents that often they claim they don't know what the truth is, or as we see it, they can get tone deaf to our desperation.  Also, you probably didn't have the ability to get photos or eye witness accounts of how ex was living either.

Kudos to D20 for stepping up, even willing to testify.  She probably had substantive credibility since she was one of the children and not one of the bickering parents, in addition to documentation of the living situation there.