I hate my exBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Couple days ago I saw my exBPD and she looked very messed up. It really looked like she had lost all her beauty, I know she's an alcohol abuser. I couldn't believe it was her so I decided to text her. We had a short chat and later it went out of control. I knew I couldn't expect anything else from her, it only reminded me why I hate her.

I knew out rs wouldn't work out so I always realized that it won't take long before we'll break up for good (after 14 breakups within 6 months). Once when we broke up I went to a bar and I met a girl I had a good laugh with her and later she asked my phonenumber since my exBPD dumped me I gave her my number.

Later me and my exBPD got back her bday was coming up. I asked her many times what she want's for her bday, she said that she didn't knew if she's going to celebrate it. Couple days later she said that she already had been planning a party and inviting people and that she didn't invite me. I got pretty upset she pretended like it was no issue. I started to ignore and hate her. I got tired of all her games she played with me, the lies, the excuses to be left alone (the "I need some space" card), all the drama.

I had some work related issues and became very depressed. The girl I met before contacted me and she asked how I was. I didn't tell her about my private situation and we talked for a long period over the phone. After a few phone calls I told her I'm depressed, asked me to come over to her place. I did, I totally forgot about everything, she supported me a lot. When I was depressed and I contacted my exBPD she wouldn't even care.

Later she told me she wants to know me better, she really made me happy and the depression was gone. Later I have told her about my previous relationship, I didn't knew about BPD she was the one who told me about BPD. I started to realize that the relationship with my exBPD was no good and she was just plain evil. I started to date this girl and now she's my girlfriend.

Every time whenever I compare her to my exBPD I just can't believe how evil my exBPD is, I can't believe I used to love her and have sex with her. I can't believe how much I hate my exBPD and I really have no respect for her. I have never ever met such a loser in my entire life and the best part is that she accused me of having BPD. I had good sex with her but I'm having great sex with my current girlfriend, so I really don't miss my exBPD. I just hate her and I'll hope she's going to realize what she's doing.

[UserName69]

Couple days ago I saw my exBPD and she looked very messed up. It really looked like she had lost all her beauty, I know she's an alcohol abuser. I couldn't believe it was her so I decided to text her. We had a short chat and later it went out of control. I knew I couldn't expect anything else from her, it only reminded me why I hate her.

I knew out rs wouldn't work out so I always realized that it won't take long before we'll break up for good (after 14 breakups within 6 months). Once when we broke up I went to a bar and I met a girl I had a good laugh with her and later she asked my phonenumber since my exBPD dumped me I gave her my number.

Later me and my exBPD got back her bday was coming up. I asked her many times what she want's for her bday, she said that she didn't knew if she's going to celebrate it. Couple days later she said that she already had been planning a party and inviting people and that she didn't invite me. I got pretty upset she pretended like it was no issue. I started to ignore and hate her. I got tired of all her games she played with me, the lies, the excuses to be left alone (the "I need some space" card), all the drama.

I had some work related issues and became very depressed. The girl I met before contacted me and she asked how I was. I didn't tell her about my private situation and we talked for a long period over the phone. After a few phone calls I told her I'm depressed, asked me to come over to her place. I did, I totally forgot about everything, she supported me a lot. When I was depressed and I contacted my exBPD she wouldn't even care.

Later she told me she wants to know me better, she really made me happy and the depression was gone. Later I have told her about my previous relationship, I didn't knew about BPD she was the one who told me about BPD. I started to realize that the relationship with my exBPD was no good and she was just plain evil. I started to date this girl and now she's my girlfriend.

Every time whenever I compare her to my exBPD I just can't believe how evil my exBPD is, I can't believe I used to love her and have sex with her. I can't believe how much I hate my exBPD and I really have no respect for her. I have never ever met such a loser in my entire life and the best part is that she accused me of having BPD. I had good sex with her but I'm having great sex with my current girlfriend, so I really don't miss my exBPD. I just hate her and I'll hope she's going to realize what she's doing.

[EaglesJuju]

I can understand the anger towards your ex and subsequent behaviors.

Why did you feel the need to contact your ex if you hate her?

[DyingLove]

Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate... .

I get caught up in the circular dilemma and it further makes me crazy.  There are so many reasons that anyone can find to back up both trains of though.  I don't want to get in the habit of having hate be my friend. I don't want to ignore my feelings and emotions either. Above all, I don't wanna always be analyzing why I should or shouldn't. I get angry with her, and I know it. I try to let it go after that and I even pray for her and her child.  I still love her. I've learned not to dispute that one anymore, it's just the way it is. If she doesn't love me, it's her problem, but I'm a better person for the love I harbor.  You're not alone, but don't let bad feelings make you less of a good person. :-)

[UserName69]

I can understand the anger towards your ex and subsequent behaviors.

Why did you feel the need to contact your ex if you hate her?

She looked very messed up and also very unhealthy, she looked very unattractive to me she also dyed her hair so I really didn't recognize her. She saw me and became very nervous. I wasn't really paying attention, later when I thought about it I was very curious. I still had my doubts so out of curiosity I decided to text her since it's impossible now to get back to her I guessed it couldn't hurt anyone if I texted her. She did reply but she didn't answer my question so I knew it was her.

[UserName69]

Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate... .

I get caught up in the circular dilemma and it further makes me crazy.  There are so many reasons that anyone can find to back up both trains of though.  I don't want to get in the habit of having hate be my friend. I don't want to ignore my feelings and emotions either. Above all, I don't wanna always be analyzing why I should or shouldn't. I get angry with her, and I know it. I try to let it go after that and I even pray for her and her child.  I still love her. I've learned not to dispute that one anymore, it's just the way it is. If she doesn't love me, it's her problem, but I'm a better person for the love I harbor.  You're not alone, but don't let bad feelings make you less of a good person. :-)

It's not the part that she doesn't love me, it's the betrayal that made me hate her. I know hating is wrong but sometimes it's very hard to love or forgive someone. But often it's difficult to stay nice to people, especially when you know how evil they are. Even if she would talk to me I wouldn't flame at her I probably would ignore her. No one is perfect and this is a perfect example of it.

[goateeki]

Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate - Hate - Don't Hate... .

I get caught up in the circular dilemma and it further makes me crazy.  There are so many reasons that anyone can find to back up both trains of though.  I don't want to get in the habit of having hate be my friend. I don't want to ignore my feelings and emotions either. Above all, I don't wanna always be analyzing why I should or shouldn't. I get angry with her, and I know it. I try to let it go after that and I even pray for her and her child.  I still love her. I've learned not to dispute that one anymore, it's just the way it is. If she doesn't love me, it's her problem, but I'm a better person for the love I harbor.  You're not alone, but don't let bad feelings make you less of a good person. :-)

There are those who would say that our feelings about these things don't really matter that much.  I was counseled to see clearly what the behaviors were and see them for what they are, and know to get away.  That I temporarily felt anger or hatred for my dBPD ex wife really didn't matter, it was suggested to me.  Where's the utility in it?  My T actually said to me "So what?  Get over it and start enjoying your life."  I'm a bit angry at myself though, that I hung in for so long in a really, really bad situation.  It served no purpose at all. 

[Danie14]

It served no purpose at all.

There was a purpose to it, it may take time to find it but it's there. Nothing happens with no purpose... .even if what you get is 'don't do that again' it still serves a purpose... .plus look at how many people are reading your thoughts, your experiences, etc... .and gaining in a positive way from it?

There's a reason for 'hate' as an emotion. What? Idk what it might mean for you but for me it means that something is very wrong in my life or with whatever situation is lending that emotion to be felt.

I think it's the easiest thing in the world to HATE but it's hard to LOVE... .and so much harder to really and truly forgive... .idk what that really means yet but I'm getting there.

[goateeki]

It served no purpose at all.

There was a purpose to it, it may take time to find it but it's there. Nothing happens with no purpose... .even if what you get is 'don't do that again' it still serves a purpose... .plus look at how many people are reading your thoughts, your experiences, etc... .and gaining in a positive way from it?

There's a reason for 'hate' as an emotion. What? Idk what it might mean for you but for me it means that something is very wrong in my life or with whatever situation is lending that emotion to be felt.

I think it's the easiest thing in the world to HATE but it's hard to LOVE... .and so much harder to really and truly forgive... .idk what that really means yet but I'm getting there.

"even if what you get is 'don't do that again' it still serves a purpose" <--- This is probably correct.  Thank you!

[Mutt]

“And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.” ― Lucy Christopher

I can understand how we can feel anger. I found the further along I was with my healing and the more that that I learned about what my ex has to cope with, I began to understand her anger wasn't about me.

[goateeki]

“And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.” ― Lucy Christopher

I can understand how we can feel anger. I found the further along I was with my healing and the more that that I learned about what my ex has to cope with, I began to understand her anger wasn't about me.

Thanks, Mutt.  I agree with this.  A book that has been recommended to me is The Four Agreements, and one part of the book deals with just this idea. 

[UserName69]

I think it's the easiest thing in the world to HATE but it's hard to LOVE... .and so much harder to really and truly forgive... .idk what that really means yet but I'm getting there.

It's easier to get over a person you hate. This wasn't always the case when I loved her, I had a lot of trouble of letting her go before the last time we broke up. This last time just did it. I just had enough and the more I thought about what she's done to me I hate her more.

[DyingLove]

Sometimes I think you could compare everything to collateral damage.  There may be other reasons our ex's did things that affected us so horribly, but still, these things happened to us. You cannot talk that away.  So we have to deal with the feelings and reactions that make sense to us for what happened to us.  Forgiveness kinda clears our hearts and souls... .IF you could find it in yourself to forgive. Some of us can't.  I can't find fault in it either way when a person hates or doesn't.  What is best for them, or, what is going on at that time.  eg.  I might hate today, but realize understanding and compassion and forgiveness next week.  Stages.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I'm sorry but I truly hate my exBPD fiancee.

I sometimes feel bad for having these feelings, but I remind myself of her betraying, lying and humiliating me and it becomes easy to hate her. This was the woman I would been prepared to die for and she in return treated me like a piece of C@$p.

I have to see my ex on a regular basis as we have a son together, which makes things a bit strained to say the least. A part of me wants to be civilised towards her, especially I appreciate that she probably has an illness, but when you deliberately hurt someone and seem to get enjoyment out of it and never apologising, it is pretty hard not to feel anger towards her.

I think I always will feel hatred towards her. Sad really after 12 years together... .

[DyingLove]

I'm sorry but I truly hate my exBPD fiancee.

I sometimes feel bad for having these feelings, but I remind myself of her betraying, lying and humiliating me and it becomes easy to hate her. This was the woman I would been prepared to die for and she in return treated me like a piece of C@$p.

I have to see my ex on a regular basis as we have a son together, which makes things a bit strained to say the least. A part of me wants to be civilised towards her, especially I appreciate that she probably has an illness, but when you deliberately hurt someone and seem to get enjoyment out of it and never apologising, it is pretty hard not to feel anger towards her.

I think I always will feel hatred towards her. Sad really after 12 years together... .

I agree.   Can't find fault in what you say.  I outwardly expressed my sentiment of dying for her or her child.  I feel foolish now, but I know how much love is contained in me.  I'm overflowing with love... .it just pour out constantly.  Like someone else said, it must be nice to not give a crap (outwardly) like some of them.

[Infared]

“And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.” ― Lucy Christopher

I can understand how we can feel anger. I found the further along I was with my healing and the more that that I learned about what my ex has to cope with, I began to understand her anger wasn't about me.

Thanks, Mutt.  I agree with this.  A book that has been recommended to me is The Four Agreements, and one part of the book deals with just this idea. 

Yes... .with distance, I could see that her anger has nothing to do with me ... .it is all about her and the damage her father caused when she was 5 years old.

Plus... .I just will not give that much energy to someone who treated me so poorly.  I still hurt about it all... .but I don't hate her... .I pity her more. 

[Beach_Babe]

Hate is more energy than they are worth.

[UserName69]

Hate is more energy than they are worth.

I believe that there are different levels of hate. It's not when I wake up I feel a lot of hate towards her, it's just whenever I think about her then I simply can't believe that she used to be my girlfriend and of course there is a slight hate hint. You know I started to realize this when I started to date an another girl from that moment everything was clear to me. She has achieved totally nothing in her life because she always acts like a d*ck she's the only one who thinks the whole world is there just to be against her. I simply can't love her anymore and I'll never will. I have moved on but still I never knew such evil persons existed on this planet.

[Mutt]

Holding onto anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I get the anger towards the ex. In the last few weeks my ex is struggling with her emotions and is emotionally dysregulated and likely due to her boyfriend invalidating her.

She has a hidden tape that criticizes the self for being bad, the punitive parent that gets triggered and she projects her anger. I think what helped me is understanding where her anger comes from and it's not about me.

With that being said I have started to notice when the punitive parent is triggered and its not my fault she's triggered. I do defuse with using the tools, I validate the valid, and things calm down.

I have kids with her and have to communicate because of co-parenting and if I had held on to that anger and was emotionally attached everyone in my family would suffer.

Learn as much as you can about BPD,  it'll help to de-personalize and become indifferent to the behaviors.

[DyingLove]

Holding onto anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I get the anger towards the ex. In the last few weeks my ex is struggling with her emotions and is emotionally dysregulated and likely due to her boyfriend invalidating her.

She has a hidden tape that criticizes the self for being bad, the punitive parent that gets triggered and she projects her anger. I think what helped me is understanding where her anger comes from and it's not about me.

With that being said I have started to notice when the punitive parent is triggered and its not my fault she's triggered. I do defuse with using the tools, I validate the valid, and things calm down.

I have kids with her and have to communicate because of co-parenting and if I had held on to that anger and was emotionally attached everyone in my family would suffer.

Learn as much as you can about BPD,  it'll help to de-personalize and become indifferent to the behaviors.

Kudos to you Mutt.  This stuff is not easy, not simple.  Lots of thought and lots of time invested in learning and coping.  Like I said, not easy.  If I could just "unhook" right now and not need to learn anymore or not want to learn anymore, I'd be happy.  But it seems that once we get in, it's like the organized crime of mental health, 'we're not getting out'.  I could be wrong, a least a little!

[goateeki]

Holding onto anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I get the anger towards the ex. In the last few weeks my ex is struggling with her emotions and is emotionally dysregulated and likely due to her boyfriend invalidating her.

She has a hidden tape that criticizes the self for being bad, the punitive parent that gets triggered and she projects her anger. I think what helped me is understanding where her anger comes from and it's not about me.

With that being said I have started to notice when the punitive parent is triggered and its not my fault she's triggered. I do defuse with using the tools, I validate the valid, and things calm down.

I have kids with her and have to communicate because of co-parenting and if I had held on to that anger and was emotionally attached everyone in my family would suffer.

Learn as much as you can about BPD,  it'll help to de-personalize and become indifferent to the behaviors.

Mutt, this is great.  While I don't harbor any kind of base level of ill will toward my dBPD ex wife, there are times when she behaves (we have two kids together) in ways that make me say ":)ear god is she EVER going to grow up or she going to be doing these things when she's a grandmother?"  It is astonishing to me that even with all we've dealt with over the past year and a half, she seems to have no greater self awareness and none of the behavior has changed.  In fact, it's worse. She's more of a interfering, controlling, meddlesome ratbag than she has ever been, and in many ways, more childlike and more dependent on her FOO than she ever has been (at least in her adult life).  This sort of thing, in my view, tends to fuel ongoing hate-like emotions.  I can't avoid her entirely, but I limit my contact with her to the absolute lowest level possible.

My T has suggested that I change my "OK" email response to something even more neutral, like "I've received this email."  Acknowledging receipt is different from signalling and endorsement of the contents of her email, though she's not the brightest of bulbs and will probably only be confused by the "I've received this email" response.  As I think I've mentioned before, there is literally no level of involvement or non-involvement with her that she is happy with, and the same can be said of the quality of interactions.  It's hard not to occasionally feel hatred under these circumstances.  I'm not Gandhi and don't want to be.      

[DyingLove]

Don't know exactly if it is hate, but just seconds ago, I looked at the clock, I know she goes to lunch at noon til 1pm most of the time.  But I thought about the fact that I'm thinking of her and don't know if she's thinking of me.

I wanted to start a new post, so I'm glad this one is here.  I'm angry and ready to cry too that just how the hell did she do this to me. To US!  I don't want her back, but I'm sad about the "doings" or the "goings ons" of the whole damn thing.  Wish she was not a part of my life at this moment too.  She didn't deserve me and she was selfish for just dragging me along for the ride in her life, promising me forever and then pulling the rug out.  Okay, the urge to cry just went away, good. I can feel it charming, but for the most  part it's disapating.  I was just thinking how I would have just loved to smash something into the wall I was so outraged.  That went away too.  Thinking about how she is suffering within herself makes me feel better.  Not in a hurtful way, but it kind of nixes out my hurt feelings- like saying that I'm suffering from her and she is suffering from her too.  It doesn't make everything right, but it helps.  I mentioned in another post that I'm taking sam-e (second day) and maybe it's helping with my feelings/emotions. Too early to tell yet though.  Wishing you all a NON hateful day filled with love.  :-)