I just realized something

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Whenever I got too close too my exBPD she became very distant. The last time when I stayed at her place I told her that I want to spend more time together from that day she didn't respond on my SMS. If she did she told me she was busy, it was weird because it takes only a couple secs to write a message back. This was always the case with her, and if I went NC during a fight she would beg me for attention.

Why do pwBPD's take distance if someone gets too close to them? I mean if you really love someone you do want that person to be with you right? I never understood this, for me it just doesn't make sense.

[UserName69]

Whenever I got too close too my exBPD she became very distant. The last time when I stayed at her place I told her that I want to spend more time together from that day she didn't respond on my SMS. If she did she told me she was busy, it was weird because it takes only a couple secs to write a message back. This was always the case with her, and if I went NC during a fight she would beg me for attention.

Why do pwBPD's take distance if someone gets too close to them? I mean if you really love someone you do want that person to be with you right? I never understood this, for me it just doesn't make sense.

[FannyB]

It's all in here... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

Even when you read this article it's still hard for us to understand. It's also incredibly sad to see it from the pwBPD's perspective.  Used to confuse the hell out of me when my ex did it to me! 

[cosmonaut]

This is a great insight.  Yes, pwBPD are triggered by emotional intimacy.  While pwBPD want to be close to the people they love, they are also very often triggered by it.  This is the tragedy of the disorder.  The fears of abandonment and engulfment are activated and our partner then struggles to cope with those fears using a very primitive toolset of coping mechanisms.  Often that means withdrawing in an attempt to quiet the overwhelming emotions that they are feeling.

FannyB is right - it's very sad and very tragic once we see what was really going on inside of our ex.  Their behavior is not at all because they hate us.  Quite the opposite.  They are behaving as they are because they are in tremendous pain - pain that comes from wanting to be so close to us, but also being terrified of it.

Edit:  Some further explanation of what's going on.

One of the primary hallmarks of BPD is having extremely sensitive, overwhelming emotions.   These are often negative and can be excruciatingly painful for a pwBPD when they occur, which is regularly.   Much of the rest of the disorder stems from attempts to deal with this tremendous emotional pain.   Marsha Lineham, the founder of DBT therapy and a well respected authority on BPD, has liked BPD to having third degree emotional burns to the point that everything hurts - even air currents or the rubbing of a sheet is agony.  For a pwBPD even routine emotions are experienced in the most extreme way.  pwBPD long above anything to have someone that will love them and "complete" them.  Everyone wants and needs love, but for a pwBPD this is a matter of their very existence.  The reasons for this are highly complex, and delve deep into the field of object relations theory.  The root cause of the disorder involves the failure of a pwBPD to have developed an autonomous self.   This is believed to be the result of an invalidating environment in very early life, as well as certain unknown genetic factors.  One thing is clear is that it requires a person that is extremely emotionally sensitive and these emotions are not heard or not addressed early in life.  Due to this underdeveloped sense of self pwBPD feel lost and adrift in life - as if they are empty - when the do not have an attachment to cling to.  This attachment is necessary to allow the pwBPD to borrow a self and thus they hope to become whole.  When an attachment is absent, it is a terrifying and confusing time for a pwBPD.

One of the most triggering events for a pwBPD is emotional intimacy and the greater the intimacy, the greater the trigger.   This is believed to lie in the deep fear of abandonment that is another hallmark of the disorder.  As mentioned above, pwBPD believe that they must have an attachment to survive and the loss of an attachment is a terror like you and I may not be able to fully imagine.  pwBPD idolize those who are able to provide this attachment, however, in much the way that a small child idolized a parent.   Initially, pwBPD believe they have finally found the person who will complete them and care for them and provide the love, nurturing, and particularly the emotional soothing that they are unable to provide for themselves.

Deep inside pwBPD feel broken and defective as a result of their developmental failure to have formed an autonomous self.  As a result, they are convinced that no one could ever really love them once they see that.  So, they are convinced that they will always be abandoned, and that is why our partners are so hyperviligent for any sign of it - because they just know it's coming, even if it's not.  pwBPD are capable of seeing abandonment everywhere, because they are so terrified of it.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes those that suffer from it to discard and destroy the very thing that they want more than anything else in the world: unconditional love and acceptance.  But they can't see that, because they are convinced that they are unworthy of it, and they will never have it.

Besides abandonment pwBPD experience a phenomenon known as engulfment.  Engulfment is a feeling of becoming lost in the relationship and of a blurring of one's self with one's partner.   Due to the unhealthy fusing with the attachment's self, this triggers terrifying annihilation fears in the pwBPD.   This causes them to pull away and to run.   It is this oscillation between the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment that causes the classic BPD push/pull cycle.

The fear of abandonment and the fear or engulfment are not, and would not be triggered, except in relationships with significant emotional closeness.  This is why pwBPD are sometimes able to interact perfectly fine with coworkers or other acquaintances that they are not emotionally close with.  So, you see it is only because you were cared about that this disorder was ever triggered at all.  Emotional intimacy is the trigger for the disorder.

[FannyB]

Cosmo

When we appreciate all this it makes it hard for us to hate them - indeed, we can be profoundly moved by their plight and the feelings they held for us. At the same time we realise the futility of prolonging the relationship as the cycle perpetuates without treatment. In our own way we are as conflicted as they are - which is why we end up here. 

[Mutt]

I think that the circumstances that we're here are different and thankfully there's a support network for people to share experiences with r/s break-ups with a pwBPD.

It helps to understand the behaviors to depersonalize and a r/s is a two way transaction. I think it helps to own our part and refine our craft to avoid the pitfalls and have healthier r/s.

For example if we get to know someone and have boundaries instead of quickly rushing into things; that outward protective barrier to protect our inner core values will help to identify the push / pull behavior. Lessons we can learn and move forward.

[UserName69]

Cosmo

When we appreciate all this it makes it hard for us to hate them - indeed, we can be profoundly moved by their plight and the feelings they held for us. At the same time we realise the futility of prolonging the relationship as the cycle perpetuates without treatment. In our own way we are as conflicted as they are - which is why we end up here. 

To be honest this was the reason why I started to hate her and I still do, I simply can't forgive her for all the damage she caused. She knew she was playing with my feelings, and I told her that she acts so weird. She got so upset, at one point she told me that she doesn't want to talk about it. I experienced this as a big F you, I even started to hate her even more and more. The more she ignored and played games on me the more I hated her at one point I finally had enough. Before we broke up she ignored me even more, she lied about her bday she told me that she would stay home and do nothing later she told me that she invited a couple friends and I wasn't invited. When I told her that she's going to lose me forever she told me "If I lose you so be it".

After this she still wanted to be a friend, I ignored her on FB she tried to get attention. Later I noticed that she started to flirt with other guys and then I decided to tell her that I'm going to date an another girl (who became my girlfriend later). She got upset and said she's going to kill herself because of me. Really she was the one who dumped me why would she even care if I'm going to date an another girl? Things got normal and she wanted attention again, this time I really had enough of all her BS games she tried to play and I thanked her for treating me so bad. Because of her I have met this other girl, I met her once in a bar when my exBPD dumped me (one month later she wanted me back). She blocked me from FB and I blocked her too just in case if she'll ever reach out to me. I blocked he phone number and email too.

She never told me about her BPD she only told me that she doesn't want to talk about it. I know it sounds hard what I just said but you really can't trust a serial killer or give him a second chance in society because he is ill. Maybe she was ashamed of it who knows, it was confusing because I told her that she can trust me, if something was wrong she could always talk to me. Probably she didn't trust me or she thought I would make fun of her. I really believe they're the only one who can help themselves, a shrink is just someone who tells you how to walk but at the end you're the one who needs to take all those steps.

Today I slept with my girlfriend. She told me that she wants us to spend more time together as a couple. That's why this question popped in to my mind today.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine only cared when I started distancing myself. Otherwise I was told I was a stalker and taken for granted.