Text / Email Wars

[Mars22]

This site is really great, sincerely. Along with all the other info on the internet it has really began to help me understand and [somewhat] slowly get over what i just experienced. I'm less than a month out and have been batting depression. I just feel like I'm putting on a happy face when it matters.

One of the biggest problems (yes, there was actually one big one – physical ommunication?) was the fact my exBPD girlfriend would constantly initiate text wars with me. WHOLE ENTIRE emotional blowout fights over text? And time and time again I would ask her to relax and to call me. But she wouldn’t – EVER! I’d call her and she would not answer the phone but more texts would roll in like slot machine winnings. Then it was back to texting because little did i know i was systematically being conditioned to placate her disorder (and mine apparently) so, back to text messaging it was. Now, I’m a 45 year old man and she is 35? Wasn’t this just a bit of a childish process I began to think. Super long winded divisive text message fights? I began to feel a lowering in my general IQ; two people that are capable and intelligent enough to have an adult discussion about our feelings just was not possible?. Or so I thought anyway in the beginning. The kicker here folks was - She has her Masters in Social work? If anybody has the abilities to expressing there feelings on a Humanistic level, shouldn't a social worker have those tools?

We (healthy minded adults) all know how communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship. This is certainly true – along with healthy conflict management skills. Conflict;disagreements is inevitable in any long term relationship. Emotionally mature people can discus their feelings openly within the forum of love that each shares for each other when such conflict arises. ALWAYS working towards a resolve. Not my ex with BPD traits. Talking to her about her feelings only brought on more frustration and she would shut down on me. She would say I would ‘lecture her’. Or that I was ‘putting her on the spot’ Jeez, I’m sorry, i just want to be happy and not carry around the weight of feeling like crap all the time. Perhaps I thought you might want to feel better about ‘us’ too? Yeah, we would find a happy medium. Mostly, me apologizing and giving into her sad, lonely, despondant ways. And the peace was always short-lived. And back to text message fights we’d go.

By the time we broke up... and if when i say broke up i mean I got no Closure, then yeah I guess we broke up. The communication was nonexistent. We began arguing more over email now too. Mainly because our first ever ‘in person fight’ was so ridiculous that i was perhaps a bit over passionate and in disbelief we were actually arguing when talking to her, but never mean guys. Just frustrated to not break through. After that incident, she would NOT talk to me because she would project and ‘get anxious’. Any "conflict management" after that was through text and email ONLY. No close face to face discussions where tone of your voices, physical and eye contact really make all the difference during fights. She even began to project onto me that I was mad over text and would stop the conversation until I cooled down. When honestly, I was so calm on the other end of the phone. Without even knowing what was going on, i was conditioned now to stay calm. Always calm... as any good emotional punching bag should be – right?

The odd part of my individual experience is — I have most of the relationship on record; text and emails. And, it's amazing how strong and aware and lucid I was during with with all my responses. Its like was predicting the future. Always conveying to her time and time again how unhealthy all this is, and its not gonna end well if we can't find resolve in out hearts, we need to unify. I would stress how I love her so much and want to try and get this relationship on a better footing so we can flourish together and have longevity. I would always end my 'correspondence' on a positive note. Always stressing the word “US”... and all she would say in response is how bad I was making her feel; how horrible a person she’s become while dating me. Would focus ONLY on all the potential negative things i may have asked about how her actions made feel to me.  But never once did she have any real logic behind as to why she was feeling badly. There was never any mention nor even a glimpse into consideration of the horrible suffering / pain I was experiencing. No empathy or insight to my struggles at all. And, never once did she mentioned the word “US”… It was always about her.

I saw here at the 2 week mark after the breakup at the bar we met at and her friends all started pecking at their phones to tell her i was there. I went up to them and and told i would not talk to her. Eventually, after a long time to arrive, it seemed one of her friends had to leave the bar to pep talk her into coming into the bar. And, when did finally arrive she was immediately led to the bathroom to probably freshen up from crying I presume. She looked out of it. The rest of the night was uneventful. All be it sad for.

In our last email, she painted we black and told she has deleted my phone number out if her phone and has asked me to never call her again. As, 'she  is acting very out of character for herself ' and that she 'doesn't deserve to be talked to like I apparently did. Which is so odd to hear, because we never even talked when it was bad. She projected all these behaviors on me through text messages and now I'm the bad guy. Needless to say, I'm a bit frustrated... still after 4 weeks.

[AwakenedOne]

 Hi MARS22,

BPD / NPD conversations are so frustrating aren't they? A few times my uBPDxw did the text fight and ignore thing and disappeared with her mom hours to days.  It would be interesting to read the transcripts of our conversations. I have much of it ingrained though in my memories unfortunately or maybe that was a fortunate thing instead that helped me to stay away from her permanently.You might want to hold on to your texts and emails to possibly help understand things more and to heal.  :)o you have at least a bit of relief that it's over? I found that just taking things one day at a time worked best. It gets better. Keep posting.  

[semantics]

Lord, I confess: I am guilty of the text waterfalls. At the worst and end of relationship with BPD ex last summer, I sent no fewer than 60 screens of text messages. Not 60 text messages. Sixty *screens*.

This happened because he would not answer the damn phone. It was literally about thirty minutes of my hashing it out alone at him. I write and type almost as fast as I think. And I get that a) it is not proper texting etiquette and b) is total overwhelm for a lot of people and particularly men. Still. It happens because whatever was going on before I put hands to keys was sore enough that it did merit response, even if only to say let's talk about this later, but one partner failed to accept the first or second reasonable bid for attention.

I admit it is a daunting and sometimes really impossible relational communication style. But I'll also say that when someone else writes a wall of text to me, I feel really connected and fulfilled. Different strokes, I guess, or a compatibility issue.

Keep the history. As you go along in your grieving and healing process, you'll definitely be able to see where things went awry. Sometimes in her communicating, sometimes in yours.

I have a boundary now that I *will* not conduct relationship business through electronic means. No texting, because I apparently don't understand the rules of it, and no email, because it is impersonal. If I mean as much to you as you mean to me, we will have these conversations always in physical person, where I can see and touch and hold you, or if that is absolutely impossible, then by telephone, where then at least we can hear the timbre and tremor and depth in each other's voices.

Last week I looked at downloading our seven years of email history and then deleting the account through which it was conducted. But I can't yet and I'm not sure why. As long as the account is still open, it's all easy for me to access and review. Guess in some ways I'm still not ready to completely let go and risk misplacing the archive forever.

Keep strong. On behalf of those who write cascades, BPD or not, I apologize. Look into the neuroscience of relationship; "flooding" is natural response to stress and it seems like her flooded behavior instigated a parallel reaction in you. As I understand more of the science, I see where my BPD partner and I got all wrong. Some of this is just how we all were made; the difference is in the things that trigger us as individuals. Not that it helps with the broken partnership, but just, some of this is our basic common human physiology. Two intent people may be able to sort it out with therapy or reading or learning relationship skills together -- but if the BPD partner isn't able to transcend and grasp a new conditioning, well. Here we are.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hear you from both sides of my ended relationship. My partner completely hated my text cascades or fits of email hurricanes and I see his frustration -- and yours -- as acceptable. But his responses were no good, were in fact abusive, and so it was never going to work. I hope that on some level you can see where the emotionalism is sometimes just a female, feminine trait, the urgency of needing to maintain or repair connection, and not necessarily a solely BPD thing.

Thanks for reading all this. I do feel you.

[Turkish]

It's hard to see through this beyond that may be also a generational gap. I'm your age, my ex is 34. She left when she was 31/32.

We grew up seeing the internet develop. It gives us a different perspective. Technology aside, getting to the root of her feelings finds the target. It's likely a boundary to keep her safe (avoid from what our view is real intimacy). Maybe that... .and it's just what she's used to, knowing nothing else. What do you think?

T.  

[Infern0]

Ironically mine is currently studying social work.

A lot of personality disorders go into fields like this because they have this thing about "helping people" and "being a good person".

I seriously think they need to start doing mental health evaluations for these kind of jobs because my ex is very narcissistic and severely lacking in empathy, she is also dishonest and untrustworthy, in short she shouldnt be anywhere near vulnerable people, but this job will surround her with them. but there you go...

Anyway yes, I can totally relate to the text wars, its a control thing with them. They can't handle being " beaten" in an argument, so they prefer communication where they can just refuse to respond if they can't argue their way out of it.

The real life version is giving you the silent treatment when you start to pick apart their flawed logic.

Its standard.

[semantics]

Ironically mine is currently studying social work.

A lot of personality disorders go into fields like this because they have this thing about "helping people" and "being a good person".

I seriously think they need to start doing mental health evaluations for these kind of jobs because my ex is very narcissistic and severely lacking in empathy, she is also dishonest and untrustworthy, in short she shouldnt be anywhere near vulnerable people, but this job will surround her with them. but there you go...

Anyway yes, I can totally relate to the text wars, its a control thing with them. They can't handle being " beaten" in an argument, so they prefer communication where they can just refuse to respond if they can't argue their way out of it.

The real life version is giving you the silent treatment when you start to pick apart their flawed logic.

Its standard.

My BPD ex is a tech professional but also recently a licensed therapist. He asked me to write a recommendation to the school for his acceptance to the Masters program and was infuriated when I didn't immediately agree to it. I told him plainly that if he were ever licensed, he should be absolutely prevented from counseling women, ever, period. He got the degree and license and then anytime I expressed any hurt or need in our relationship, he told me to seek professional help and have my therapist contact him.



Since breakup I have seen him use the Licensed Therapist shtick on dating sites as well as his professional profile (which has nothing to do with therapy). Because of some of the things he said to me, I looked into registering a complaint against him with two governing boards, and found out his license is expired.

Good thing. He came out of the Masters program with that degree and the license and self-identifying as BPD. That anyone would license a person who self identifies as personality disordered is just harrowing. So much damage potential.

[Mars22]

Firstly, Thank you all for your replies folks... they've are helpful for me.

AwakenedOne -

Thank you for your understanding and seeing my core depression. Do i feel better? Not really but i have moments. I have the memories but they are foggy and when i look back and read the texts or emails it drives me crazy to see how fast her emotions would escalate over a mundane thing like going to dinner. I have told myself to stop looking back as, it just resurrects the pain it seems. Like most on this site. The real struggle is that it so humanly difficult for me to understand how a person you gave all of yourself to with body, mind and soul can just turn around and act like you don't exist. it really is what I'm stuck on. The No Closure, coupled with full blame for her unhappiness has just annihilated me completely. 


Semantics -

Thank you for your response and confession. Needless to say, I'm leaving out my full story here and all the details that about how she would try almost monthly to derail the relationship time and time again and would accuse me of having affairs and never invite herself to be with me unless i asked her, every time. ... .jeez the list goes on believe me.  Or how she would just generally be distant overall when were together. Of course any inquiry about moods would start a argument. But of course other days she was fine and present. Truth be told I would never abuse her over text. Most of my responses were usually asking to please "relax" and a "can we talk?" or I would try and help dispel any bad feelings she was experiencing ... my texts was more logic based and always a focus on being positive. A 'virtual hug' if you will. In the moments after a text blow out, usually it would be a day or two for her to calm down. Afterwards, I'd stress how bad this is (the texting) and we'd agree on NO more Texting with serious emotions and I'd walk away feeling like she understood how bad it was for us. But alas!... she would get right back at it. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that this is just a "feminine trait" But more I'm reminded of that quote about ":)oing something over and over again and expecting a different outcome"?... apparently it defines Insanity.


Intern0 -

I really think your onto something there. It really resonates with me. Thank you for confirming that. She wasn't and isn;t capable of sitting and having an open discussion about how she feels. That would perhaps expose the true nature of this sickness. Hence the frustration she would have, get angry,project it on me and run and hide. So, text messaging enables her to hide. I see this now.

Turkish -

I often get around to believing its a generational thing too. But, if you really want to make a relationship work, at what point when you see your relationship faltering do you get off the phone and communicate and bond with your lover over serious feelings and issues in person? Especially when told on occasion that - "You've always wanted out of the relationship and are looking for a way to be single". It's an actions speak louder than words issue. I've had on/ off relationships with people 35 and younger and texts were mainly used for flirting and quick notes and for meeting somewhere messages. I think most people would agree how untangle this form of communication can be.

[GoingBack2OC]

My exGF litterally quarantined all of our arguments, fights, etc, to text/sms.

She would never, ever ever, answer the phone. Never.

She would say she's busy, she can't talk - IF she answered.

THEN she would text me non stop, insane angry hateful texts, for hours!

I thought you were busy and couldnt talk.

Finally, after a while. I just would reply, call me, and not respond anymore.

I am not joking:

She would then, for hours, text constantly: Shifting. Without me even replying. I'd be asleep, and wake up to a merri-go-round of emotions... .a monologue of multiple personalities texting me minutes apart. I love you. I hate you and so on.

I'm sorry. I love you.

I can't believe you did this. I hate you.

You are a monster.

I'm just stressed. Too much work. I'm sorry.

I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.


That was us. (Well her)

[Mars22]

Indeed. It was overwhelmingly infuriating GoingBack2OC... And sadly, I thought [at the time] that I was dealing with a 'normal' person who would be able to see the innate problem with texting such divisive attitudes over a medium that doesn't allow for true human expression. It's kinda ruined texting for me -period.

[steelwork]

My ex would only fight over email. He'd want to monologue or snipe, and I'd get him on the phone and the anger would be... .gone. Then he'd be all "you are so good at talking things out."

But then the issue was that he was a passive participant in the talking-it-out part. I think (based on some things I remember him saying, AND on his avoidance of conversations when he was upset) that really he just felt bulldozed by my adherence to facts (as opposed to validating his feelings). Oh, had I known. In any case, I think something along these lines is responsible for much of the dynamic where negative feelings were only expressed online. He would fold when he tried to express them in person, and I wasn't helping.

[GoingBack2OC]

Indeed. It was overwhelmingly infuriating GoingBack2OC... And sadly, I thought [at the time] that I was dealing with a 'normal' person who would be able to see the innate problem with texting such divisive attitudes over a medium that doesn't allow for true human expression. It's kinda ruined texting for me -period.

Infuriating to say the least. It really changed me, at least as of now. It got so bad, I actually started becoming a woman hater (seriously). I had always been such a nice, fun, outgoing friendly person. And I found myself seeing bits of her in everyone, from real life to female characters in films and shows.

A huge problem with texting is it parses inflection, tonality, and all the subtleties a human voice adds, and even more seeing a persons face. So many times things are taken the wrong way, sarcasm is lost, and so on.

My ex would only fight over email. He'd want to monologue or snipe, and I'd get him on the phone and the anger would be... .gone. Then he'd be all "you are so good at talking things out."

But then the issue was that he was a passive participant in the talking-it-out part. I think (based on some things I remember him saying, AND on his avoidance of conversations when he was upset) that really he just felt bulldozed by my adherence to facts (as opposed to validating his feelings). Oh, had I known. In any case, I think something along these lines is responsible for much of the dynamic where negative feelings were only expressed online. He would fold when he tried to express them in person, and I wasn't helping.

My ex and I would literally text fight for 2-3 hours about the simple concept of "getting together". We would agree... ."Ok I'll come over" (she lives 15 minutes away)... .then I'd get a text, and it would start, and before I knew it, it was 11PM and I would say "you know we could have already had dinner and watched a movie by now." It was really sad. It is really sad.

We also, and this is what was so infuriating to me, rarely fought "in person". It happened, but when we were together we pretty much got along and enjoyed eachother's time together. I'd remind her of that, during all those periods of text wars and silent treatments (I called them timeouts), that we never fight in person... .why do you insist on boxing us into this narrow forum where communication, or the depth there of, is so limited.

I think a big part of it (nothing to do with BPD) is that my ex was foreign, although she's lived here since she was about 10. So her english is spot on-- but she's bilingual. She still speaks her native language with parents and grandparents. Her accent is now, hardly noticable but there.

I think one thing that put her into this mindset of staying in the land of SMS, is, linguistically speaking, she couldnt win. I read a lot... .a lot a lot-- with that said, I know my vocabulary size, word recall ability, is larger than the average person's, let alone someone who didn't learn english until 12 and still spends many days speaking another language.

It has nothing to do with intelligence level. My ex was very smart. But in terms of a battle of words, in texts she was more comfortable, because I naturally and with no ill intent, could fire far more well articulated responses, and by far faster than she ever could. She once commented that dating me was like dating a lawyer. I think she likely said that from seeing courtroom drama's played out on television and film, where a person is on the stand, and the opposing parties lawyer is beating the defendant or complaintant down, and exposing the real truth. So she, at least in my mind, perhaps felt like the character who breaks, regardless of side, their story doesnt hold water. And they break. It's basically a classic scenario of debate. Who is the better orator. In texts, she could think about her answer if she even answered at all.

[Mars22]

... ."I think (based on some things I remember him saying, AND on his avoidance of conversations when he was upset) that really he just felt bulldozed by my adherence to facts (as opposed to validating his feelings)."

Steelwork - you really pinpointed it for me here:... "bulldozed by my adherence to facts".Yes, it seems facts play no part the equation. The facts in our 'arguments' caused her to become frustrated and stop talking to me, - Argument now over. On the few occasion we did actually speak in person, with me now being a fully neutered and compassionate mate, my attempts at resolve with softer compassionate tones now were seen as "Lectures". And i would get the very same outcome had I been the overbearing passionate voice. "Yer damned if you do or damned if you don't... " ? Well thought-out, logical facts overwhelmed my uBPDx. Of course in retrospect had I used S.E.T in the process perhaps my voice would have been some what heard. But again, most if not all pwBPD are more feeling people anyway so, logic has little to no place in discussion of matters of the hearts.