26, married to my beautiful wife with BPD, HELP

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, I live in the beautiful 541 Oregon, and I am married to my best friend. We have 3 kids, 1 our own, 2 from a previous relationship. We have been together every day since the day we met (October 10th, 2011), literally every day since then we have been together. We got into things VERY quickly and she had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive marriage, I was the knight in shining armor to save the day, and I fell in love very hard, and very fast. Loving her and being loved by her is almost intoxicating, she is everything I've wanted in a woman, she's beautiful, she's my best friend, and she loves me, and has encouraged me to attack my own personal mental illness struggle (bipolar disorder type 2, rapid cycling). In the beginning, I was the gold standard to her... .she praised me, told me how much she loved that I actually loved her, and touched her, and made her feel like a human being.

However, as our relationship progressed, we would have these explosive fights, seemingly out of nowehere, over the littlest things at times. She goes into an absolute rage, becomes someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, mean, spiteful,  and in the first year of our relationship she punched me. When these happen, she become extremely emotionally/physically abusive. She's thrown her wedding rings at me, told me she hates me, hit me, bit me, and all this time I had NO IDEA what was actually going on.

Through my own battle with Bipolar Disorder, I began to wonder if she too may have a mental illness of her own that she was dealing with, and after speaking with my therapist and explaining what happens, she said it almost %100 was BPD. I approached my wife with this, and it made her angry. She didn't want to be "crazy" and didn't want to take medicine or go to therapy. For years I tried to encourage her to seek help, and it wasn't until she tried to kill herself that she really started taking it serious. She had an extremely rough child hood, abused, abandoned (halmark causes of BPD), invalidated, and constantly made to feel like she was the problem. She was taken from her parents when she was a teenager, and lived with her grandma for a while, until she met her first husband. Their relationship was, at best, okay, at worst, an incomprehensible nightmare, and lasted for 4-5 years. In that time, she was also raped, kicked out of her house, slut shamed, was homeless, and had a newborn baby to manage. She's been through hell... .

However, this year was our 5th year anniversary and I don't know what is happening but she has gotten exponentially worse. She received her diagnoses a few months back, and initially was happy to know what was going on, but is now dealing with immense shame and guilt for the pain her BPD has caused our children and I, and truly blames herself for everything. Not kidding. For instance (and the reason I am here now) tonight she worked late, I was feeling sick, and not really hungry, and was also a little anxious about how late she was, I worry a lot about something bad happening to her. When we were sitting on our bed, she asked what was wrong, and I told her that I was frustrated with the last client she had... .however, this then turned into her blaming herself, which made me frustrated because she blames herself for everything, even when they aren't at all her fault, nor do my emotions actually have anything to do with something she's done. It always comes back to her tho, she always thinks it's her fault. And that is an instant trigger. Any time lately something like this has happened, she splits BAD. Tonight for instance, in between sobbing unconrtollably, hitting herself in the head, and saying how much she hated herself and wanted to die, she asked me to leave her alone. I obliged however she always threatens suicide whenever she splits, and no matter what, I take it seriously. Tonight, I left her alone for almost too long, and caught her in our sons room about to jump out the window with belts around her neck. She won't get professional help, is extremely overwhelmed with work and money, and I don't help either because I don't know how to handle her when she splits, at least not effectively.

Help! What do I do? I'm so scared I'm going to wake up to a dead wife, or have to explain to my kids why mommy isn't around. She's so smart and funny when she isn't splitting, she does so much for others and makes so many people feel good about themselves (she's an Esthetician) ... .she's my best friend and when she isn't splitting, she's my best friend. Even when she is splitting, she's still my best friend. We are taking a DBT course together but she has an exceedingly negative attitude towards herself and her ability to over come this. She constanly states that the best thing for all of us was if she just killed herded, and she doesn't see just how much collateral damage that would cause, blinded by the pain of BPD... .I don't want to lose my wife. I want to grow old with this woman... .I've invested all of me into her and this marriage, I don't want to give up, and I don't want to abandon her... .but I feel like I can't even leave her side right now without worrying about her hurting herself... .can anyone else relate to this... .

[JCoon541]

Hello everyone, I live in the beautiful 541 Oregon, and I am married to my best friend. We have 3 kids, 1 our own, 2 from a previous relationship. We have been together every day since the day we met (October 10th, 2011), literally every day since then we have been together. We got into things VERY quickly and she had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive marriage, I was the knight in shining armor to save the day, and I fell in love very hard, and very fast. Loving her and being loved by her is almost intoxicating, she is everything I've wanted in a woman, she's beautiful, she's my best friend, and she loves me, and has encouraged me to attack my own personal mental illness struggle (bipolar disorder type 2, rapid cycling). In the beginning, I was the gold standard to her... .she praised me, told me how much she loved that I actually loved her, and touched her, and made her feel like a human being.

However, as our relationship progressed, we would have these explosive fights, seemingly out of nowehere, over the littlest things at times. She goes into an absolute rage, becomes someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, mean, spiteful,  and in the first year of our relationship she punched me. When these happen, she become extremely emotionally/physically abusive. She's thrown her wedding rings at me, told me she hates me, hit me, bit me, and all this time I had NO IDEA what was actually going on.

Through my own battle with Bipolar Disorder, I began to wonder if she too may have a mental illness of her own that she was dealing with, and after speaking with my therapist and explaining what happens, she said it almost %100 was BPD. I approached my wife with this, and it made her angry. She didn't want to be "crazy" and didn't want to take medicine or go to therapy. For years I tried to encourage her to seek help, and it wasn't until she tried to kill herself that she really started taking it serious. She had an extremely rough child hood, abused, abandoned (halmark causes of BPD), invalidated, and constantly made to feel like she was the problem. She was taken from her parents when she was a teenager, and lived with her grandma for a while, until she met her first husband. Their relationship was, at best, okay, at worst, an incomprehensible nightmare, and lasted for 4-5 years. In that time, she was also raped, kicked out of her house, slut shamed, was homeless, and had a newborn baby to manage. She's been through hell... .

However, this year was our 5th year anniversary and I don't know what is happening but she has gotten exponentially worse. She received her diagnoses a few months back, and initially was happy to know what was going on, but is now dealing with immense shame and guilt for the pain her BPD has caused our children and I, and truly blames herself for everything. Not kidding. For instance (and the reason I am here now) tonight she worked late, I was feeling sick, and not really hungry, and was also a little anxious about how late she was, I worry a lot about something bad happening to her. When we were sitting on our bed, she asked what was wrong, and I told her that I was frustrated with the last client she had... .however, this then turned into her blaming herself, which made me frustrated because she blames herself for everything, even when they aren't at all her fault, nor do my emotions actually have anything to do with something she's done. It always comes back to her tho, she always thinks it's her fault. And that is an instant trigger. Any time lately something like this has happened, she splits BAD. Tonight for instance, in between sobbing unconrtollably, hitting herself in the head, and saying how much she hated herself and wanted to die, she asked me to leave her alone. I obliged however she always threatens suicide whenever she splits, and no matter what, I take it seriously. Tonight, I left her alone for almost too long, and caught her in our sons room about to jump out the window with belts around her neck. She won't get professional help, is extremely overwhelmed with work and money, and I don't help either because I don't know how to handle her when she splits, at least not effectively.

Help! What do I do? I'm so scared I'm going to wake up to a dead wife, or have to explain to my kids why mommy isn't around. She's so smart and funny when she isn't splitting, she does so much for others and makes so many people feel good about themselves (she's an Esthetician) ... .she's my best friend and when she isn't splitting, she's my best friend. Even when she is splitting, she's still my best friend. We are taking a DBT course together but she has an exceedingly negative attitude towards herself and her ability to over come this. She constanly states that the best thing for all of us was if she just killed herded, and she doesn't see just how much collateral damage that would cause, blinded by the pain of BPD... .I don't want to lose my wife. I want to grow old with this woman... .I've invested all of me into her and this marriage, I don't want to give up, and I don't want to abandon her... .but I feel like I can't even leave her side right now without worrying about her hurting herself... .can anyone else relate to this... .

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[JoeBPD81]

Hey, I relate. You were almost describing my life and my fears. I'm sure a lot of people here will relate too.
I feel absolutely powerless when she's talking about killing herself.  I asked her, when she was OK, what would she said to herself when she wants to die, and she said  "only : B... .! It will pass". I think only listening a lot we can find clues  as to what will help.

Usually, giving her space, helps, because at least we stop being wrong. But in your case that is unbearably scary.  Everytime I give her space, I make sure to tell her "but you know where I am, and I'm here for you, day or night". 

I hope someone can give you good advice, and I'll listen too. But at least know you're not alone.

One of the things I told her, is that this illness makes a big deal of something small, when it's bad. So to fight it, we need to make a big deal out of small good things. To value everything that she does, and celebrate any small step. It's not silly, it's balancing the chances for a fair fight.

Good luck

[Tattered Heart]

How scary! I cannot imagine the stress and anxiety that worrying about suicide attempts causes for you. I hope you can find the support and direction you need on this site. First and foremost,safety is imperative. I am including a link on how to help someone with suicidal ideation. Please read through this as there is information on what to do in the event of suicidal talk and attempts.

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

[JCoon541]

It is incredibly hard and stressful. What's worse is, every time I have caught her making an attempt, when she's splitting, she almost makes a game out of it. Saying that she'll figure it out somehow and I can't be around forever. I've had to disable private browsing on her iPad because when she splits, she uses the private tabs to look up suicide tips. She always she wants to be a good thing, but can't seem to not blame herself for all the universes wrongs... .how did you deal with the suicidal threats?

[Grey Kitty]

Read the link Tattered Heart gave you on how to deal with suicide talk and attempts.

Please remember that you don't have to deal with this alone. If it is an emergency, you can call for help (911). Even if it isn't yet an emergency, you can call a suicide hotline. They know how to help you deal with somebody who is talking about suicide. (I'm sure you wish she would instead!)

One more bit of perspective I'd like to offer: Self-harm (things like cutting or hitting her head on things) isn't at all the same thing as a suicide attempt, or a step in that direction. Both are things that mentally ill people do... .and both are really difficult to see in somebody else... .but they aren't the same.

[JCoon541]

I'm incredibly passionate about mental illness, I'm an alcohol and drug counselor, and I know most of the protocols and steps to take with someone during a bout of suicidal ideation. I've done so much research on BPD but I fear my bipolar disorder may be making it worse as I also have been diagnosed with maladaptive personality trates. I see how much pain she feels, the emptiness in her eyes when she is lost within the void. I wish so badly I could reach in a pull her out, and heal her heart just by loving her but that isn't the reality.

I'm beginning to understand that if my marriage is to work I need to have realistic expectations of what she is capable of emotionally, in terms of empathy and ability to love herself. I truly believe that in order to love someone else you have to love yourself first, and she hates herself. I feel like I'm in a cycle of enabling. I always bail her out when says she isn't going to work (she has clients that book appointments weeks/months in advance. It would be very bad for her and her reputation if she no showed an entire day.) and eventually coercing her into going to work, however I'm finding more and more than maybe she needs to see the consequences of her actions? Will that inspire change? I almost had to make a 5150 last night... .I hate being in that position.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm incredibly passionate about mental illness, I'm an alcohol and drug counselor, and I know most of the protocols and steps to take with someone during a bout of suicidal ideation.

I'm glad that you know this stuff. It should stop you from saying some of the most obviously "wrong" things to say.

 That said, I know that both doctors and lawyers make it a point NOT to practice on themselves or their families--because they are too personally involved, and that will interfere with their judgement.

I feel like I'm in a cycle of enabling. I always bail her out when says she isn't going to work (she has clients that book appointments weeks/months in advance. It would be very bad for her and her reputation if she no showed an entire day.) and eventually coercing her into going to work

I agree--it seems to make it "easier" but in the end, you aren't helping either of you when you try to protect her from what her choices would do to herself.

Can you describe how a "typical" conversation about not going to work goes? We can help you work out how to respond in a less enabling way.

[JCoon541]

So guess let me give you a run down of how this particular episode played out because I am still currently waiting for her to "come back"... .

She worked late last night, and when she works late, I worry, a lot. About a lot of different things and one is for her safety and so much crazy ___ happens that my mind starts to play tricks on me and I think bad things. Last night I wasn't feeling well when she got home, but I had to run and get her dinner. She was in a fantastic mood, happy to see me, I was a little down. But I was happy to have her home. I don't hide emotions well, and while we were eating, she could tell something was wrong. We are both cannabis users, and it's been a nightly ritual for us, it's kind of our thing together, likewise, it really seems to help when she is having a bad split, really calms her down. Any how, as I said I wasn't feeling well, and I couldn't really manage to eat much of anything, she insisted i smoke cannabis but I wanted to wait for her to eat. She asked if something was wrong and I proceeded to tell her that I was frustrated with her last client for taking up her time, which in reality I was just really worried. Before I could finish telling her about it, she had already blamed herself, was apologizing, and began to spiral downward. She started to slap her head, pull her hair, and when I tried to explain that I wasn't upset with her, that it really wasn't a big deal, it made it a thousand times worse. She became enraged and threw her food at me, a shoe, etc. i left her alone after she had asked me to leave and kept hearing noise upstairs, and upon inspection, I found her in the window of my sons room, with belts around her neck intentending on hanging herself. If I was a minute later she would have been successful. I pulled her out of the window and told her she could either go to bed, or I call a 5150 and have her admitted. She hates that and it's a threat I hate making, and I fear I'm making that a useless tool if I just keep threatening it. She finally fell asleep and woke up this morning in the same mood. This is a longer one than normal... .

She was saying she wasn't gong to go to work because her reputation won't matter when she's dead... .however at the moment she is getting ready for work... .she's on the cusp of coming out of it, this episode is seeming especially resistant, not to mention that she is also refusing the things that have proven to help her... .