Finally did it- now what?

[Notwendy]

I think it's a good question for the owner of the storage unit. What do they do if someone defaults on payment and doesn't take their belongings? One thing I know they do is auction off the locker. The person who gets it is then responsible for clearing it out. Some people actually want to do this because selling the contents of the locker can be profitable for them. So the owner gets some back rent paid for and the locker is cleared for them.

What your STBX is doing is dragging his heels and maybe being a bit passive aggressive, or just oppositional, like trying to tell a 3 year old to pick up their toys. At this rate, he won't ever get his stuff out. You probably have to do it. I'd ask your lawyer for advice on this.

[WitzEndWife]

I told my lawyer what happened and she just said thanks for letting her know. I imagine she will probably discuss it with his lawyer, but ultimately, we're going to have to be more aggressive with getting his stuff out.

Honestly, lately I've been really crushingly depressed. Not sure why. Probably a combination of things. I haven't had the emotional energy to do much outside of my normal routine. I'm trying my best to function and to try to shake myself out of it, but it is really hard. I want to do things like paint my bathroom, for example, but I'm not able to muster up the energy to do it.

I think the longer all of this drags out, the more it takes a toll on my mental health. I have therapy again tomorrow, but I feel needy and weird. My dad is here, but I also don't want to be Debby Downer and always talk about how I'm feeling. It also feels like I'm just talking in circles. I'm tired of this feeling. I just want to feel free and happy like I was promised I would feel after this. I feel nothing of the sort.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re not done with it yet—you’re in limbo currently, so it makes total sense that you are feeling the way you do. In addition, you likely have years of unprocessed emotions you couldn’t express because you didn’t have the emotional safety you needed.

It will pass…

[PeteWitsend]

I told my lawyer what happened and she just said thanks for letting her know. I imagine she will probably discuss it with his lawyer, but ultimately, we're going to have to be more aggressive with getting his stuff out.

Honestly, lately I've been really crushingly depressed. Not sure why. Probably a combination of things. I haven't had the emotional energy to do much outside of my normal routine. I'm trying my best to function and to try to shake myself out of it, but it is really hard. I want to do things like paint my bathroom, for example, but I'm not able to muster up the energy to do it.

I think the longer all of this drags out, the more it takes a toll on my mental health. I have therapy again tomorrow, but I feel needy and weird. My dad is here, but I also don't want to be Debby Downer and always talk about how I'm feeling. It also feels like I'm just talking in circles. I'm tired of this feeling. I just want to feel free and happy like I was promised I would feel after this. I feel nothing of the sort.

Hey, well, congrats for taking a huge step in getting out of a toxic situation.  That takes a lot of courage and strength, but as you're seeing, it takes a mental toll in unforeseen ways. 

If you're struggling with your feelings, maybe remind yourself of the bad times.  I know that may sound counter-intuitive, but remember why you left.  Life isn't easy, and isn't always pleasant, and it's normal to deal with increasing unhappiness as we age.  imagine how much more difficult it would be to deal with your own issues while living with him and having to make room for his issues.  And the way he - or any pwBPD - is incapable of being supportive for their partners' needs. 

As far as his stuff goes, it's kind of illuminating in a way that he's left his "baggage" for you to deal with. 

I'd also advise going the storage unit route.  He will squawk, and his attorney will probably make noise too, so I'd confirm this with your attorney beforehand.  videotape everything or at least photograph it, and video a walk around the house after so he can see nothing is left.  Make a spreadsheet and list each item and the condition it's in.  Assuming it's mostly junk, you can wave the list around if he complains; he'll back down really quick rather than face the embarrassment of everyone hearing that he's a hoarder. 

Hire movers.  Book a storage unit for a couple months, and have your attorney forward his attorney the keys to the lock, the storage contract and all the information.  Assuming this might cost $300-$500 for the movers, and a couple hundred for a storage unit for a few months, consider whether it's worth the cost to get this burden out of your life.  You might not get the money back in hand, but you could set it off anything else you'd own him as part of the property settlement.

This same thing happened in my parents' case.  my dad was a pack rat.  He would bring home a lot of non-functional lab equipment and old computer parts from his job at a R&D lab, and just left this all out in boxes on the floor of our basement.  Over the course of 15 years, you can imagine how much this added up.  A full half of the basement floor space was unusable because of all the clutter.  Some of this stuff was probably a health hazard as well. 

After he moved out and filed for divorce (this was ~25 years ago now), he kept dragging his feet on moving all this stuff, claiming he had nowhere to put it.  My mom was livid, and after a few months, finally hired a couple movers to take it all to a storage unit.  My dad complained a lot, but found no one had any sympathy for him; they'd all say the same thing: If this stuff was really that important to you, you'd have found a place for it.  If you left it there for months, it cannot be that important.  If she paid to move it to storage, she did you a favor, and YOU owe HER now.   

[Notwendy]

Honestly, lately I've been really crushingly depressed. Not sure why.

Withdrawal.

Toxic relationship drama keeps you on high alert. This can have the same effect on your brain as a drug. Co-dependency keeps your focus on the other person and their issues, and this keeps you from looking at yourself, feeling your own emotions.

Think of when someone stops anything that has been toxic to them, with the goal of better emotional and physical health.

Giving up sugar- people get cranky, they don't feel good for a bit. Then they feel better than they did before. They may be tempted to go back to eating sugar, but then they are back in the place they didn't want to be. Think of this as similar.

The "treatment" for this is self care. Spoil yourself- you pick- go get a massage, or mani pedi, or join a gym and work out, go for a walk in a lovely park. Take a long bath with nice bath salts, buy your favorite food. Do nice things for you!

Cat said it will pass, yes it will, be good to yourself in the meantime.

[PeteWitsend]

as someone humorously commented to me, when I was venting about BPDxw continuously trying to cause drama after our divorce:  If you allow the same dynamic to continue, you didn't get your money's worth by divorcing them!

So get your money's worth; consider the things you couldn't do b/c you had a disordered spouse.  Even if what you want to do is nothing more than sitting on the couch and watching TV all day, you can do it now without someone criticizing that... or seeing you sitting there and deciding to launch into a screaming match because you're not jumping when they say jump, or they "feel" like you "never" want to do anything with them.

[WitzEndWife]

I finally got an update from the lawyer. He is coming to get the rest of his stuff this weekend. I'm willing to go one more round of staying out of the house for an extended period, but that's it. He and his stuff need to go.

His lawyer, as I mentioned before, is a total slime ball. I think he's probably getting a cut of whatever they can bilk out of me. He's asking for 18 months worth of bank statements, as well as documentation for how much I paid for my horse and any upkeep I provide to the horse. I don't know what this guy is trying to prove, but it seems like he's going to try to squeeze me.

As for me, I know things will pass and I do try to remind myself of why all of this happened in the first place. I have so many stories. Financially, it feels like I'm being punished for trying to get out of an abusive situation. I'm having to give him at least half of my home equity, half of my checking account, half of my retirement savings. He didn't earn any of it. It would have been one thing if he had woken up every day, thinking, "How can I contribute to the home?" With the exception of the last two years, he spent most of his time lazing about on social media, sleeping, or riding his bike. Occasionally he would get a wild hair to start a project - and would often leave it unfinished. He claimed he did SO much by wiping down the counters and loading the dishwasher at night. He would repair the cars when needed, but I bought all the parts. he would repair or install things around the house when needed (sometimes belatedly), but again, I paid for everything. So, while he saved me some money on labor, he never saved me money on materials. And, again, this wasn't an every day thing. I, on the other hand, woke up every morning at 5:30 to take care of and feed the dogs, work out, work for 8-12 hours, and then cook dinner at night. And I spent most weekends cleaning. So, honestly, I don't think it's fair that he take half of my hard-earned money. But there you go.

I guess I have learned big lessons here. We'll see how things play out, but I will keep everyone updated.

My depression is a bit lighter today, but now I'm angry, so I don't know if that's any better. LOL

[Cat Familiar]

What does your lawyer say about the division of assets?

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer told me I should only provide what information was appropriate.  Like most of us here, I was inclined to over share (TMI).  News flash:  You do not have to be nice, overly nice, fair or overly fair.  Share what you must and leave it at that.  Your lawyer ought to know what is required and what isn't.

Sadly, divorce is an adversarial scenario.  Imagine this is a failed business merger that has to be undone.  Provide required information (which often is much less than the information requested) and let the rest fall where it may, all while you protect yourself of course.

[WitzEndWife]

My lawyer hasn't said too much about the division of assets yet. My STBX's lawyer is getting an appraiser for the house, supposedly. My lawyer said she thought his lawyer's requests were excessive, but also she said she was inclined to give him what he wanted in terms of documentation. Ultimately, I think she is going to see what this guy has up his sleeve and then we get to determine where to go from there. Looking over my statements, it's clear that most of my expenses went toward the house or the dogs, so, I mean, let the guy paint whatever dastardly picture he wants.

Worst case scenario, if I have to sell my house because of all of this, it's not the end of the world. My job is remote, I can move out of state to stay with my parents, and I will rebuild. That is just that. I will be okay. I will still have my animals. I will still have my job. I will still have my sanity. Life will go on, no matter how crazy things get.

My therapist suggested I hang onto that teeny tiny kernel of hope I have that things will get better. I'm going to put together a vision board of some kind, I think. Dreaming big. Why not? I think that will be helpful.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s one thing to call it quits, and yet another to wrap up divorce proceedings. You currently are in the thick of it. This is not representative of how things will be when the dust settles. You are in a battle right now, so keep that in mind.

At some point, it will all be done, the details will all be settled, you will be free…but that’s down the road a bit.

In the meantime, just focus on strategy and know that this will be over.

Have big dreams for the future. No one is going to be anchoring your visions and aspirations now. Spend as much time with your horse as you can. There’s good healing energy with equines.

[WitzEndWife]

I know you're right, Cat. I'm still mired in all of the struggles and back and forth. I'm hanging onto whatever little joys I have in life. I hung out with my horse today and just cuddled. Luckily, she's a very cuddly horse and loves it. I bought some inexpensive wall art too that inspires me. It's little things like that which pull me out of a funk just a tiny bit. I'll take what I can get.

[GaGrl]

On the division of assets, have you provided your lawyer with income tax returns for the years of your marriage? That should provide info on the disparity of income. You have no idea what your STBX is telling his lawyer.

Also, how was his recent schooling financed? Did you contribute?

These are the type of considerations that factor into negotiations.

[PeteWitsend]

That sucks you might have to sell your house, especially since the seller's market has cooled off a lot from where it was.

Did you buy the house post-marriage?  If not, seems like he really should not have much of a claim to any equity in it.

I'd also fight harder against a property division that favors him.  As noted, document all his education expenses you paid and any other support provided.  Don't take this lying down or claim you're too tired to fight for it.

It's 6 months to a year of fighting (maybe), but the benefits spread out to many future years.  

Even if you feel ridiculous during hearings/mediation, get angry and show some emotion if you feel you're being railroaded.  At one point in my divorce, during mediation BPDxw was pushing to allow a greater geographic area for residence.  I KNEW her plan was to put as much distance between us so she could limit contact with our Daughter.  

both the mediator and my attorney were acting like this was no big deal, so I got a little heated.  It surprised them both and they backed down.

The area allowed was still a little too big, but I prevented a worst case scenario.

Keep that in mind.  

[WitzEndWife]

Update: He took the dog when he came to get his stuff on Sunday. I was not prepared. I have been pretty devastated, even though I knew it was going to happen. What I guess I didn't really realize was how much attention and energy I'd lavished on the dog. She was a high-anxiety dog and had to be managed pretty much all the time. She was on meds, and you couldn't startle her or she was a bite risk. She barked at the window and tore up my blinds. She bit through an extension cord in the back yard trying to get at squirrels and luckily didn't electrocute herself. She and the neighbors' dog would bark at each other along the fence. She had multiple food allergies. She was always wanting attention and would come lick the sweat off of you after you'd been outside.

Just like with my STBX, my mind was always occupied with her needs. And now there's nothing there. I cried all night and half of the next day. Then, this morning, my dad left. I cried again. Now, I'm here all by myself again, with just the senior Beagle. I need to occupy my mind and my space, so I'm trying to do that. I feel like I'm going through some kind of withdrawal.

As for the legal stuff, he signed the consent order and his lawyer is requesting I pay his legal fees. My lawyer says she doubts a judge would order me to pay them, but they have to ask or they would never get it. He didn't pick up everything, so I'm just going to box up whatever is left and put it in a corner of the basement and then we can arrange a time in the future when he can get that and all of the car parts and everything else in one swoop. My guess is that he has a one-bedroom apartment and not much space otherwise.

Anywho, that's it for now, reporting from the lone woman warfront. 

[Cat Familiar]

Sorry to hear about him taking the dog. As someone who has spent a huge number of hours taking care of animals with extensive veterinary needs, I understand how that time creates a deep bond with an animal. I also understand how much time is freed up when an animal with major health issues finally is no longer around.

Perhaps you can look at this situation as opening a new door for relationships with people and animals who aren’t so needy. That extra time will be appreciated by your horse.

Oh, and as a funny aside, my ex’s attorney told me that he was doing yard work for her to pay off his legal bill. 

[Notwendy]

I feel like I'm going through some kind of withdrawal.

You are. Over caretaking numbs us to our own feelings and needs, like a drug does, and constant drama creates a high stress situation that also feels like a drug. I recall first hearing the term "emotional sobriety" and not really understanding it. Drinking too much isn't an issue for me, so it was hard to relate to a term like sobriety, but after becoming more aware of my own codependent tendencies, I began to understand it.

Self care is not an automatic thing for people not used to doing it, but this is exactly what you need to do- starting now. I am sorry he took the dog. I understand the attachment. It's left you with an empty space, and now the feelings you didn't focus on are more apparent to you.

One of the least helpful things people tend to do when feeling this vulnerable is to jump into another relationship - the high of a new relationship, caretaking someone else- fills that empty space, serves as another dose of "drug". But if you can learn to manage- just you- for now. Take care of you- you will get better at it. Try a hobby, take a class,  connect with your religion if that is something you want to do. Think of what parts of yourself you have neglected while caring for others that you want to reconnect with. You might not even know - but just try doing things you might enjoy and see if you do. It may seem like a huge task but maybe try just one new thing.

[Manic Miner]

Just like with my STBX, my mind was always occupied with her needs. And now there's nothing there. I cried all night and half of the next day. Then, this morning, my dad left. I cried again. Now, I'm here all by myself again, with just the senior Beagle. I need to occupy my mind and my space, so I'm trying to do that. I feel like I'm going through some kind of withdrawal.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog and what you are going through, but I can relate. I'm one of those caretaker guys, occupied by all kinds of special needs in my family. And now completely alone in the same apt. where I laughed with my W and watched our daughter grow from a tiny blob to pre-teen as of now. Silent empty spaces with everything that reminds me of how it used to be. It pains so much.

Anywho, that's it for now, reporting from the lone woman warfront.  

Heyho, reporting from the lone man war front, somewhere in Europe.  

[I Am Redeemed]

Just wanted to say I am super proud of you. From someone who has been through leaving an abusive relationship with a disordered person, I can say that it is hands down one of the hardest things to ever go through.

Part of your depression could be coming from grief. Endings bring grief, even endings of bad relationships. You must have envisioned a very different scenario when you met and married him, and the loss of that vision will bring grief. Then there are secondary losses, such as the loss of the dog and possibly financial losses. It will take time to work through the grieving process of these losses.

I think a vision board is a great idea. It will help you get yourself looking forward so you can remember that even though you're in the middle of the muck right now, it won't be like this forever.

[PeteWitsend]

Grief is tough.  WEW, it sounds like you were not ready mentally for the emotions you'd be going through.  I'm not blaming you for that... this is a hard situation, and divorce isn't just leaving someone, but also all the legal and procedural steps you have to go through.  It's very overwhelming. 

But I say all that so you don't get too down on yourself.  These feelings aren't going to be permanent, this is just a process you're going through.  Again, consider the freedom you'll have to be yourself in the future, unburdened by his emotional abuse and toxicity.  That's you're future, not the emotional struggles you're going through as you get there.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks all - really appreciate the support from you all who have been through it and understand. Today I woke up feeling a tiny bit better. Yesterday, I was falling apart throughout the day.

This evening I have therapy and always feel a bit better after that, so that's a good thing. I think I'll force myself to do some organizing of my things this week and weekend and also to do some vision boarding and maybe take a yoga class and go walk in the park, on top of the usual things.

I follow a lot of dog rescue pages and it's tempting to think about getting another dog, but also I think my senior Beagle is really enjoying the peace and quiet and being the only dog, and I also think I need to focus on caring for myself for a bit. Put your O2 mask on before helping others with theirs, as they say.

I have had lots of folks reaching out to me to connect and offering to get together and I'm grateful for that, but it's a bit overwhelming. Like, where do I start, and how do I spend time with someone without being a total Debbie Downer or having a crying meltdown? I always feel like I should be more "together" before I start really venturing out to share with people. But, on the other hand, I know it's probably what I need. Interesting dilemma...

I haven't heard anything else from the "warfront," so I'll just stay the course for now.