She has contacted me after 1.3 years..not replied yet

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, not been on in some time, been finally feeling a bit better... .its been the worst year of my life since the discard/replacement by my BPD/narc exgf... had major spinal surgery and 3 months ago and finally starting to feel stronger... I've lost weight and and been walking 10 miles a day to build strength... not to mention being crushed completely by the 4 years of emotional abuse and cheating and the ultimate cut off after building my hopes and dreams till the last second before she vanished with another man... but hey... you know what? although im lonely and want a partner to share life with and feel sad about it alot, other than that im kind of ok and feeling grateful for life again... im becoming the person i was before she destroyed my soul and its great... although i have my issues with self esteem and dealing with the ptsd i suffered from the shock... it does get easier  people... it really does... you will slowly figure it all out what you went thru and eventually reach and understanding and it wont hurt as much anymore... be strong and patient... soo... she ha messaged me tonight after suddenly ghosting me 1.3 years ago after me catching her in an affair... she is still with my replacement and happy from the looks... she said hi and hope she dont mind her messagng me... and that she heard i had spinal sugery and that she hopes im ok and life is going well, she also said ps nice wheels... she also heard I recently bought a bmw convertible sports car... .not replied yet... think i should? what she did to me was evil beyond words... ill save you all the details it would take a year to explain... after all i took me a year to figure it al out what id been thru and who she is

[Rickybee]

Hi all, not been on in some time, been finally feeling a bit better... .its been the worst year of my life since the discard/replacement by my BPD/narc exgf... had major spinal surgery and 3 months ago and finally starting to feel stronger... I've lost weight and and been walking 10 miles a day to build strength... not to mention being crushed completely by the 4 years of emotional abuse and cheating and the ultimate cut off after building my hopes and dreams till the last second before she vanished with another man... but hey... you know what? although im lonely and want a partner to share life with and feel sad about it alot, other than that im kind of ok and feeling grateful for life again... im becoming the person i was before she destroyed my soul and its great... although i have my issues with self esteem and dealing with the ptsd i suffered from the shock... it does get easier  people... it really does... you will slowly figure it all out what you went thru and eventually reach and understanding and it wont hurt as much anymore... be strong and patient... soo... she ha messaged me tonight after suddenly ghosting me 1.3 years ago after me catching her in an affair... she is still with my replacement and happy from the looks... she said hi and hope she dont mind her messagng me... and that she heard i had spinal sugery and that she hopes im ok and life is going well, she also said ps nice wheels... she also heard I recently bought a bmw convertible sports car... .not replied yet... think i should? what she did to me was evil beyond words... ill save you all the details it would take a year to explain... after all i took me a year to figure it al out what id been thru and who she is

[hope2727]

I received a text from my ex this weekend too. I think he heard my father died. The funeral was saturday and he texted saturday night. I sent a grey rock response. "Im fine so is mom thank you". Nothing more nothing less.

I would suggest not responding. I almost wish I hadn't bothered. People who love me don't treat me the way he did or the way she treated you. I expect better of my friends and family let alone my partner.

Oh for the record they never change. My father had extreme NPD/BPD traits. At his funeral not one but two of his mistresses spoke. So lovely for my poor mother to hear them speak about all their wonderful times together. Times when she was at home with her children and he was off with them. Lovely. Triangulation even at his funeral. Barf.

So respond at your own peril. I'd block her. Re read your post here and ask yourself do you want someone who treated you like that in your life in any capacity?

Good luck.

[Mutt]

Hi Rickybee,

I don't think that things are going well with her bf she messaged you after nearly a year and a half without contacting you. I think that she's putting her feelers out.


I'm happy to hear that things in your life have improved, give yourself a pat on the back for that. That said, I bet that was a lot of work and I don't think that there's a right or wrong. I think that you have to have strong boundaries if you decide to contact her because she may try to become friends with you again.

[fromheeltoheal]

not replied yet... think i should? what she did to me was evil beyond words...

First, it might be good to look at why you would consider communicating with someone who did things to you that were "evil beyond words" at all.  Maybe you have an agenda, like to test yourself to see how well you'd do or to seek revenge by relating how well you're doing?  Or something else?

It's an opportunity though.  I haven't spoken to or seen my ex in years, although she owed me money that I figured I'd never see, the cost of detachment, and to my surprise a check showed up in the mail with a note a couple of weeks ago.  The note was pure idealization, transparent because of the work we do here, but it triggered me, and it was a great opportunity to see how long it would take to get my serenity back.  Less than 2 hours, which I was proud of.  And of course I deposited the check.  So there's an opportunity here for you too Rickybee, after 1.3 years; were you triggered, and how long till you get back to you?

[Infern0]

Yeah it sounds like a textbook "feelers out" text just to see if there's any possible way back. Chances are things with the replacement are going sideways (don't ever fall for outside appearences)

It's may only be a temporary argument or something, I've had that before and then they suddenly go silent again when it gets back on track.

It's totally on you if you reply or not but just bear in mind the possible repercussions if you do.

[Turkish]

What would you get out of replying?  Is there a need on your end that remains unmet? If so,  would anything other than a BIFF reply  (or no reply), meet this need?

[Rickybee]

Thanks guys, still not replied... I don't even know what i'd say to her, she is a dangerous women and I have her worked out, she was so very cruel to me and all i gave was love and support with all my heart, was thinking of simply saying hi and thankyou... short and sweet but she doesn't really deserve that

[Rickybee]

Part of me thinks I should communicate with her in order to hurt her bf's feelings like he hurt mine by sleeping with and having an affair with the girl i loved whilst me and her were virtually married and had dreams and plans for the future... .but then i think y'know what... it was her doing she led him on and love bombed him just like she did me... he will be suffering regardless just living and being with her as i was... the unpredictable rages and mood swings get to you after a while... the confusion and her hurting your feelings too, she he will get his... i don't know... i can't let myself think childish stuff like that... at the end of the day im enlightened now with the knowledge of her illness and textbook behaviour she has clearing demonstrated and repeated with partners... there is nothing there for me... she tried to destroy me for nothing but loving her although i started to not let her control me... she didn't like that... .i can't really think about wanting to have sex with her after her being with others whilst she was with me... makes me feel sick tbh... all that said tho there was some lovely times we had, "when she was acting normal which was rare" we all know about the confusion of thinking of the good and the bad... its just baffling how they could do what they do to us after these tender moments

[Rickybee]

Ok, foolishly I replied and simpy wrote "not really sure what to say to you, thank you"  doesn't seem in a rush to respond , quite unbelievable that she hasn't said sorry... she never did... .in her mind she think she has done nothing wrong and im sure thinks we should be friends... mental

[Icanteven]

Ok, foolishly I replied and simpy wrote "not really sure what to say to you, thank you"  doesn't seem in a rush to respond , quite unbelievable that she hasn't said sorry... she never did... .in her mind she think she has done nothing wrong and im sure thinks we should be friends... mental

What was foolish about your response?  Give yourself some credit man.  IMHO, that was about as perfect as it gets.

No rush to respond?  Again, give yourself some credit; number of possible reasons, but my money is on the fact that you confused her.  No blubbering "baby come back" message.  No "how ya doing" message.  IOW, you didn't open a door.  It's as if she found herself in a forest she remembers but has become unfamiliar with, looking for the trail back into your life, only instead of lighting the path you spoke to her over the intercom, Truman Show style.  She thought she'd get a response you didn't give her.  Now what?

It's a good news/bad news thing.  If she wants anything more than validation, this won't deter her and she'll try again.  If she only wanted to know that someone she once loved still has feelings for her, and you kept up a poker face, that's all it was.  But, she may try again.  Hang onto the poker face and make her the one to engage, or do more than politely respond?  Your call, but big lesson in my own pwBPD adventure?  If they want to be with you or have you in their lives they'll show you with their actions.  If they don't, they won't.  And don't rationalize the irrational; if you reached out to her after 1.3 years and wanted to engage her what would you do?  Now compare that to what she's willing to do. 

Two last things:  sorry for all the mixed metaphors, and, you say she's mental, so why re-engage regardless? 

[Mutt]

Hi Rickybee,

Part of me thinks I should communicate with her in order to hurt her bf's feelings like he hurt mine by sleeping with and having an affair with the girl i loved whilst me and her were virtually married and had dreams and plans for the future... .but then i think y'know what... it was her doing she led him on and love bombed him just like she did me... he will be suffering regardless just living and being with her as i was... the unpredictable rages and mood swings get to you after a while... the confusion and her hurting your feelings too, she he will get his

I had similar thoughts. My ex wife's boyfriend walked right into my marriage and broke my family. My kids were young, they still are, they were D7, S5 and S1 at the time and they went through a massive interruption in their lives that I had to deal with because neither my ex or her bf were thinking about anyone's needs. It probably caused a ripple effect and I will still have to help my kids through this when they're older. That said.

I was really angry because I lost my family and I wanted to get back at him but I thought there's nothing that is worst than what BPD will do him. So, the best thing to do is do nothing let things play out on their own, in the meantime I chose to be the best father that I can be to my kids and the best version of me. I couldn't of done that with my wife in my life. In the end, he did me a favor by taking a huge problem off of my hands. He's in the fire now and I'm enjoying life.

[Kowalski]

... .So, the best thing to do is do nothing let things play out on their own, in the meantime I chose to be the best father that I can be to my kids and the best version of me. I couldn't of done that with my wife in my life... .

Beautifully put, and I often work to remind myself of that very thing in my life now as primary parent and father to my S2. She's gone, and I'll grieve, however the house is no longer toxic, and my son is able to grow up with a stable and emotionally available father who has rediscovered himself.

[Rayban]

To me,  this is just another example of re-establishing contact when we begin to feel strong in ourselves and ultimately detaching.  I think they truly want us to remain miserable and unable to move on. 

To the OP I admire your strength and the work you put in to make yourself stronger.  I would keep doing that.  Keep living better, be proud of what you did, and never let here see you miserable.  There are other people in this world who will love you for the right reasons.  Why waste your time on someone who tried to ruin yours. The replacement is getting enough punishment by being with her.  As for her what does she have to show for it? Just a long stream of misery.
 

[Dontknow88]

... .So, the best thing to do is do nothing let things play out on their own, in the meantime I chose to be the best father that I can be to my kids and the best version of me. I couldn't of done that with my wife in my life... .

Beautifully put, and I often work to remind myself of that very thing in my life now as primary parent and father to my S2. She's gone, and I'll grieve, however the house is no longer toxic, and my son is able to grow up with a stable and emotionally available father who has rediscovered himself.

THIS! Both gave me hope! I can't wait for the day I can say that

[Dontknow88]

To me,  this is just another example of re-establishing contact when we begin to feel strong in ourselves and ultimately detaching.  I think they truly want us to remain miserable and unable to move on. 

To the OP I admire your strength and the work you put in to make yourself stronger.  I would keep doing that.  Keep living better, be proud of what you did, and never let here see you miserable.  There are other people in this world who will love you for the right reasons.  Why waste your time on someone who tried to ruin yours. The replacement is getting enough punishment by being with her.  As for her what does she have to show for it? Just a long stream of misery.
 

I agree with Rayban. I've noticed every time my ex ask me how I'm doing and I say something along the lines of "good" he will turn the world upside down...

I say leave her alone and live life! There is a saying that goes "not everyone should know you are happy, miserable will make misserible"

[valet]

Alright, so you replied. That's no big deal. Contact doesn't mean anything if we refuse to let it.

One question to consider in the future, though: What has she contributed to your life that would make you answer after such a long period of time of no communication?

[myself]

The best moves to make are the ones that help better your own life, not to try to win somebody else's game. Replying = ":)oor's still open, I'm still here." What happens when and if she contacts you again?

[Rickybee]

Thanks everybody, all good input and advice... .she hasn't responded since my short reply, as somebody said I think it confused her... .really not sure if she is just messaging out of guilt or if trying to come back into my life, but as said she is still happily with replacement by the looks... its anybodies guess to whether she still wants me or wants back in, or she is just trying to be polite :s if she messaged again im really not sure what id say or do... the best thing to do i guess is ignore, she only wants to keep hurting me im sure... evil pure evil what she did to me so... .

[Rickybee]

Ps I guess it has triggered me as been thinking about it, but I'm too far into recovery to be set back too far... it made me a little down this week and got me remembering all the good and the bad, the hurt just don't hurt as much anymore tho, im use to pain and hurt so... .

[Rickybee]

As somebody said tho i'm keeping that poker face and giving her nothing, if she really wants to engage and be friends, trianglulate, reel me in to hurt me, get back with me etc etc... she will contact again, she hasnt tho I don't think she wants back... think she possibly can't live with the guilt of what she did to me? and is just being civil? who knows... she has no compassion for anybody tho and tried to destroy me... hard to know what a crazy person is thinking really, when i was with her she constantly changed moods, opinions, values, plans etc by the hour... .constantly contradicting herself... .i wonder what her bf is going thru, the confusion and bad treatment must be getting to his mental health by now... she makes you feel sorry for her and plays victim for sympathy and that keeps you stuck in the fog wanting to help... .wonder if she really has changed or if she is still and awful cruel manipulater, cheat, liar, attention seeking psycho... would love to be a fly on the wall

[Cleanglass]

Something in her life, long before you, has made her devalue the people around her. Without professional help (and even with professional help a lot of the time) she will not have changed. She would have learned how to play and manipulate better. Unfortunately, although it seems evil, just remember... .she's incredibly broken.

My advice is take the high road: Compassion. She won't appreciate it but you get the delight of not being like her. That's what she wants. An egotistical reaction to feed her own. Don't play into it. You can't hurt her. You can get her to hurt herself by playing on her weaknesses but truthfully there is no pleasure in this - it will drag you back in! (It's also narcissistic).

Also, think of all the progress you've made and how easily she's unwrapping it.

[amunt]

Bad move bro, you must play her like she played you.

A good reply to her will be  " Thanks. Hope you are ok with your life and happy about your contact me"
or something similar.
She propably want to broke up with the new guy and want you for back up.

Take revenge, tell lies to her and left her alone and miserable . KARMA

[Rickybee]

She hasn't replied since... think I def confused her... .she just can't say sorry... which means in her head she is innocent... crazy what a human

[amunt]

I never heard sorry from my ex , same story 

You must play her and take revenge, hope she contact you soon

[Infern0]

I never heard sorry from my ex , same story 

You must play her and take revenge, hope she contact you soon

This is not the way

[Rickybee]

taking revenge that way is narc behaviour, wont lower myself its just not me to manipulate or plan like that, if i engage there is also the risk of her just wanting to hurt me more, dont want to give back my power... she might just do as before just try to hurt e by telling me she is happy with her bf and doesnt want me... but heyi dont want her either... the left side of my body is numb, been over doing it at work hoping its not permenant... as i said i had major spinal surgery, she is the least of my worries

[kentavr3]

NO Contact is the only way to deal with them!

[fromheeltoheal]

NO Contact is the only way to deal with them!

Not communicating with our exes is a tool we can use to detach emotionally, when we decide continued contact won't make anything better and may likely make it worse.  It really has nothing to do with "dealing with them", although a desire for revenge is normal, and if our motivation for not communicating with our ex is to hurt them, that's something to look at moving forward.

[kentavr3]

All cluster B has no feelings. When they try to communicate us, this is how they check if we are still on their hook. attention is better than no attention. We know who they are. Again, we can't bring them pain. But, if you contact them or reply them, it hearts us. That is why from my experience is no contact.

[Cleanglass]

Getting revenge is not the same as karma.

Contacting them back gives them the power which leaves you powerless. That will bring back familiar feelings you've had with them and you can feel back at square one. My suggestion is blocking them if that is a luxery you can afford (some can't - children, work etc). Hurting someone with BPD isn't difficult. The high road is.