Had an outburst- feeling drained

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday I really felt hopeless.  We were having a great day and she was in a good mood.  Then she suddenly said "I want to take you on a date.  Do you want Dairy Queen?"

And I said "well I'm not sure.  I'm a little worried about our budget."

And that's all it took.  Suddenly she's upset and saying I hurt her feelings.  So I began trying to use the things I've learned.  I tried validating, by saying it was OK to be upset.  But she just got more upset.  So I tried making a plan to go out for the date and still be inside our budget.  But she was still upset.  So I tried just being quiet and listening, but then she got mad because it was taking so long to have the conversation ("it's been 54 minutes and you still haven't decided where to go!".  By then I didn't know what to do, so I just said, "I feel like we're not communicating properly."

Well that made her get straight up, say "I can't do this right now!", and she went outside and began crying.

My heart ached for her.  I can't stand to see her cry.  So I went outside too.  After a few seconds though, she stood up, shoved me aside, and went back inside (slamming the door in my face).  Later, she told me she went outside to get away from me and I didn't respect that and followed her.

So when we both cooled down, I told her I won't follow next time.  But that's going to be REALLY hard, because I know my own anxiety will be killer.  So I'm worried about that.

Also, I'm still not even sure what I did wrong to upset her to that degree.  Any thoughts?

[halcyon]

Yesterday I really felt hopeless.  We were having a great day and she was in a good mood.  Then she suddenly said "I want to take you on a date.  Do you want Dairy Queen?"

And I said "well I'm not sure.  I'm a little worried about our budget."

And that's all it took.  Suddenly she's upset and saying I hurt her feelings.  So I began trying to use the things I've learned.  I tried validating, by saying it was OK to be upset.  But she just got more upset.  So I tried making a plan to go out for the date and still be inside our budget.  But she was still upset.  So I tried just being quiet and listening, but then she got mad because it was taking so long to have the conversation ("it's been 54 minutes and you still haven't decided where to go!".  By then I didn't know what to do, so I just said, "I feel like we're not communicating properly."

Well that made her get straight up, say "I can't do this right now!", and she went outside and began crying.

My heart ached for her.  I can't stand to see her cry.  So I went outside too.  After a few seconds though, she stood up, shoved me aside, and went back inside (slamming the door in my face).  Later, she told me she went outside to get away from me and I didn't respect that and followed her.

So when we both cooled down, I told her I won't follow next time.  But that's going to be REALLY hard, because I know my own anxiety will be killer.  So I'm worried about that.

Also, I'm still not even sure what I did wrong to upset her to that degree.  Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JoeBPD81]

You did nothing wrong.

I'm sorry you felt so bad with all this, it's tough.

We can't anticipate the answer they need, and when they get upset, we panic and everything we do seems to have the opposite effect.

You have to really listen, not to extinguish the fire (firefighting)  but to know her and to know her triggers and her patterns. You need to find out what works with her.  It could be completely opposite of what works with another person.

I tend to share my own feelings :"I'm getting very anxious, and now I can't make plans or express myself efficiently ".  Then she would assume I'm telling her that she makes me anxious, and she would attack me, or telling me I'm a horrible person for trying to make her guilty, or adding that we are toxic for each other and we need to forget about relationship, maybe we shouldn't be even friends.  So I was "only" anxious, but then I am devastated. So that doesn't work.

I think about it as a wounded animal, think a fox,  or a wild cat. If you approach when they are upset, they're gonna bite. Even if you just try to help.  You have to be there, where they know they can reach you, but they need space to feel safe and Unjudged .

It's really hard not to follow. We are so simple, we just need a hug and an "I love you"  and we feel better. We want to do that for them when they cry, and they jump as if we had a knife in our hands. It feels like rejection, but it's not.

Crying is a good, healthy way to bring the emotions down.  Sometimes it helps to just ask, do you want me to leave you alone, or can I stay with you?  If she ask you to leave, just say, you know where I am,   I'm here for you.

We have to swallow and do a lot of really hard things to keep this relationship going. I hope that with understanding, and acceptance, and time, they would be less hard.

Good luck, and take care.

J

[Grey Kitty]

I wouldn't say you did something 'wrong'. That said, you may not be seeing what was going on, and there are things you could have done better.

Then she suddenly said "I want to take you on a date.  Do you want Dairy Queen?"

And I said "well I'm not sure.  I'm a little worried about our budget."

From the background, it sounds like the two of you have been fighting a lot, and suddenly had a nice day. When she asked about the date, she was reaching out, wanting to connect, wanting to be reassured.

It really isn't your job to guess what she is thinking about or what she 'really means' when she says something like that, and in fact if you constantly obsess about that, it is really unhealthy, and tends to lead you toward walking on eggshells and making a right mess out of the relationship.

But *if* that is what she was thinking/feeling, the emotional impact of your response was to reject her. It was invalidating and hard for her.

I don't know your history. If your budget is shared, and if you are in such dire financial straits that you cannot afford a DQ date, and if you have discussed it with her before, then it probably is appropriate to avoid it. (In other words, perhaps the 'facts' supported your statement)

A better response would be "I'd love to go on a date with you, but DQ isn't in our budget. Lets do something really fun that we can afford, like a picnic" (Or other alternative)

Or if the budget scenario I described doesn't fit, a "Yes, that sounds lovely" would do nicely 

Later, she told me she went outside to get away from me and I didn't respect that and followed her.

What she wanted is best practice--when you are both upset, you are both more likely to say things that will be hurtful and that you will regret. Getting away is often the best thing you can do, and if she wants to do it (instead of launching into you!), please let her!

[waverider]

I get this to. What it usually means is:

I want to make a grand gesture and I want you to be over the moon with gratitude so that i can feel like a wonderful and valued person.

If you hesitate or question it then you are diluting it, you are devaluing her gesture.

The moment has now gone and you cant revive it. Any compromise is seen as you muscling in on her gesture.

Grand gesture means to hell with practicalities and context. Its meant to be a "treat"

And I said "well I'm not sure.  I'm a little worried about our budget."

The first part is feeling, the second is practicality. pwBPD hear feelings loud and clear practicalities are just trivial.

>>"That sounds like a great idea, do you think we can manage that without blowing the budget?"

You would have acknowledged her great intention and valued her opinion. To be honest I often find that has satisfied my wife. Actually going through with the plan often runs out of steam. So arguing about it was totally unnecessary in the first place.

[halcyon]

Thanks guys... .a lot of your comments really helped (and hit home).

You know, we have been fighting more than usual.  The first year she was back, we didn't fight AT ALL (not even once).  But my therapist says that's completely understandable.  In addition to being borderline, my partner has Dissociative Identity Disorder (I'll talk a bit more on that in a different post in a minute), and Her therapist thinks she may have dissociated for months and years at a time- probably even spent more of her life in a dissociative state than not.  Therefore, when she finally "woke up" over a year ago, she didn't know how to communicate her wants and needs.  She's been in DBT class for almost a year now, so she's finally learning (kind of) how to vocalize her wants and needs, but she's a little clumsy at it.  My therapist says she's like a bird learning how to use it's wings, and of course she's not going to be perfect at it the first few tries.

And, of course, I am also just now learning the tools I need in order to be an effective partner.  So, my reactions are a bit clumsy too.  Stands to reason that conflict will occur out of our shared clumsiness. 

Still really glad I found this site and THANK YOU ALL so much for reading and replying.  I apologize for not using the abbreviations yet... .I will try to get better at that as I go along. 

I am hoping to start the "lessons" on this site today.  I am currently preparing to return to college, and my partner is going through management classes at work, so we have a hectic life right now!  I'm feeling pretty positive though.  We definitely have the support we need.  The rest is up to us