Are There Any Good Stories About A Parent That Was Devalued & Then Revalued?

[Soc]

I was wondering if any of you have been devalued and then became idealized again as a parent? Ive read so many horror stories Im losing faith and hope. Id love to hear a story here with a happy ending.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Soc,

I'm so sorry you've been devalued, if I'm understanding your message correctly.

Has your adult child stopped contacting you?

Do you feel comfortable sharing what happened? I have seen my SO's uBPD (dx bipolar) D20 devalue and idealize him, but that was in the context of living under the same roof.

I have a brother with BPD traits, and he goes through fairly regular cycles of idealizing and devaluing our father. Usually, uBPD brother needs something and will simply get in contact as though nothing ever happened. There is never any healthy repair or recover, he simply wants to borrow tools or money, or needs them to babysit, or something that is more important than maintaining silent treatment.

LnL

[incadove]

Yes, I think so tho not to the extreme I've read that some have gone through.  :)efinitely went through painful periods of low contact and at times hurtful statements, and now back on track and valuing each other.  I think being firm about not being treated a certain way but not judging, is helpful.    I try to make clear boundaries of certain things that are not ok, like if you borrow money you must make clear arrangements to pay it back and not avoid the issue; but if you just need space, that is your right.  I try to make requests, like could you please let me know if you are all right, or let me know if you don't want to talk or if you do, and model respectful behaviour as best I'm able to.  I try to give small gifts or offers of things so they know I love them, when its not expected or demanded. And so far, we are on an upswing and our contacts feel like we are valued, though they are maybe less than when the kids were younger I think that is normal.  

Right now honestly I'm very happy with my dd's and feel warmer and closer to them than in several years, but there definitely was a very painful period before that.

So I'm not sure it matches exactly, but I do think its possible and also to gain a more principled relationship that can handle ups and downs with better communication about feelings.

Would you like to share your situation?  It can be so painful, and bring so much sadness - how are you feeling?

[Soc]

Ive shared several times, I dont know if I can anymore, after awhile I know from reading the horror stories on here they all seem to be the same. I feel like Im spinning my wheels, all I know is my daughter says she loves me and needs me, but Im not sure what for. She refuses to try and trust me, and as many of you know, whether or not the hurt and broken trust is real or not it is real to them. The holidays coming up are rather disconcerting. She spent my birthday with me, 3 days actually, the first day was fine, on my actual birthday she was depressed and stayed in her room, the 3rd day came her meltdown, and I broke down. Im weary of being punished for things that didnt happen or didnt happen the way she saw them. Im very lonely. She loves me more than anything else in this world,but wont try to trust me again for whatever reasons. Her NPD mother will not allow psychiatric care. Im breaking.

[MomMae]

Hi Soc,

Our entire family was devalued by our daughter for over a year and now things are much better.  I would not say idealized, as I don't think that is healthy either, but she does come to us for advice and is being respectful again.

I agree with Incadove about the need to be firm in not allowing yourself to be treated in a demeaning way, even if it is just a conscious decision on your part to have no reaction to unkind comments.  If things start to go bad, then it is time for her to leave before it escalates.  And, as Incadove also pointed out, this should go hand in hand with adopting a non-judgemental attitude, even when choices are made that you don't like.

I know with my daughter, once I started just listening without saying to much in return, particularly very little opinion, things began to improve.  If I do offer advice, I am very, very careful how a phrase it... ."maybe you could... .", "I don't know if this would work, but possibly... ."  If she puts up roadblocks, I just leave it.  Then, more often then not, she will at least partially heed the advice on her own terms... .

My daughter is not living the life I dreamed of for her.  She is a licensed nurse and she is living on social assistance with a BF who is far from ideal.  But we are communicating again. She is being thoughtful.  We have a terrible family situation going on, her brother recently suffered a traumatic brain injury in a car accident, and she has been so helpful and considerate.  This would not have been a possibility a year ago. 

So, yes, Soc, things can improve.  Please don't lose all hope.  I, too, was at a point, not all that long ago, where I thought things were basically hopeless.  It seemed my daughter hated me and cared nothing for our family.  It hurt so much.  I understand how you feel, I really do.  It is obvious that you are a good father who loves his daughter very much.  We, the other parents who walk the same path, are here for you. 

  MomMae

[incadove]

Hi Soc

Sorry, I hadn't gone back and read other posts, I should have recognized you from before. 

One thing that helped me a little, as the kids get into their later teens and become young adults, my friends who had been there reminded me that some distancing is really normal, so although its way more painful with BPD kids because of the intensity and the devaluing, some amount of increased distance and even rejecting the parent is a normal and even healthy thing.  So understanding that it was ok to focus on other things, other friends, other involvements, was helpful to me.  I'm still not really close to my young adult dd's but it is on an upswing and our communications are really respectful now, and sometimes they confide in me or my husband.  They sort of come back and go away, it seems to be a pattern they need right now.

[Soc]

MOMMAE

Last night my daughter told me how terrible she thought a child was being because she was losing weight to spite her mother, she doesnt think that she should do that. I wanted to say arent you punishing me in a different fashion,but I kept my mouth shut. She thinks living at her mother's is nice,I wanted to say something about that too, but didnt. Her mother just leaves her to her own device, and requires almost nothing of her, the mother wont even try to get her psychiatric help. Im scared of the upcoming holidays, weve not been apart in the past.