Son committed BPD wife

[Mickey47]

So I have a question my son’s wife is a person with untreated BPD and Bipolar 1. My son, his wife and best friend were watching TV last night and this blonde woman came on the scene. His wife flips out screaming at my son that he is looking at this girl on TV. He said “well I am watching the show yes” she screams at him and says his best friend has to move out and my son said “well that’s too bad because that’s not happening” she flips out and screams “fine I’m going to kill my self” The best friend said this apparently happens often. My son said that’s it and called the police and told them what she was threatening and they came and got her. She acted normal when the cops arrived.

So she was committed into the psychiatric hospital last night. He told his BF he was afraid for her to come back, because he is afraid she’ll loose it on him.

I’m terrified for my son’s and his best friends safety.

Does anyone know how long they can keep her?

Also does anyone know if she can trick the psychiatrist into thinking she’s normal? Since she acted normal in front of the police!

I’m so worried that if he brings her back home she’ll hurt my son really bad! Also he told the BF if he forces her to leave and she goes and kills herself he wouldn’t be able to handle the guilt of that.

[No-One]

Sorry to hear about the situation.  It's good that you son made a call to the police.  The laws can differ, according to where you live.  Where I live, it starts out as a 72 hour hold for evaluation.  In some cases, after evaluating, they extend the stay to 14 days.

It's possible for some people with BPD to turn their behaviors off and on. So, yes, she could possibly act normal during her psychiatric hold. It's common for them to save up their bad emotions and then unload them on someone in the family, or someone else who is close.  

Some people threaten suicide as a form of manipulation (when they don't really mean to do it).  Best to take it seriously.  If she learns that she will face a psychiatric hold in the future, she may think twice about making threats for the sake of manipulation.

If she makes any threats against your son, or demonstrates violence, he might want to get a restraining order.  It's best for you son to have a safety plan. (See link at the bottom on the page for Domestic Violence Assistance)

[Panda39]

First of all good for your son calling it in, that likely wasn't easy but IMO it's a good choice to get her Professional help for both of their well-being.  She's getting help, he's not trying to deal with something he's not trained to handle and as soon as they arrived she de-escalated.

Crisis is tough but can also shine a light on a situation, get help involved, and can be a catalyst for change.

I would suggest that he reach out to the hospital if he hasn't yet.  I'm not sure about what is confidential and what isn't but he certainly can ask for information they will release what they can and won't what they can't.

I don't know if there is a standard amount of time for her hospitalization but I would imagine it would depend on their findings, how long it takes to get her stabilized, and what if any plan there is going forward.  It could be she is released home, it could be she goes inpatient or something else.  I would like to think that a hospital Psychiatrist would be able to recognize when there is an issue.  

If she returns home and looses it, what does that look like?   Rage?  More suicide threats? Victimdom? Does she become physical?   He has the option to call the police again if she looses control.  Is the Best Friend staying with them?  If so that could be good...built-in witness.

Panda39

[Turkish]

She acted normal when the cops arrived.

That sounds odd.  Then why did they commit her? I had a coworker who was 5150'd (California), but she had assaulted her live in Boyfriend and wasn't cool with the cops,  and may have been on something.  

Your son needs a safety plan,  as No-One suggested.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[Mickey47]

No one THANK YOU I will definitely look into that link.

Panda - How are you?
Her loosing it is rage and she is already physically abusive to him. Yes the best friend is living with him as of this past Saturday afternoon. I knew she’d cause trouble or try to kick the best friend out, but that was fast! I’ve told the best friend to be sure and call the police if she starts getting physical with my son after returning home. He said my son said if she comes back and looses it he will have her removed again.

He is sick and tired of her crap and he told him he wants to see his daughter and tired for this crap. I feel the same way about the best friend living there, a built in witness is right! I pray they do realize what’s wrong with her and she does get the help she needs. But I also pray my son gets a divorce and gets some therapy as well. When he is ready to move forward I pray he finds a good person for his life and for my grand daughter as well.

Turkish hi there how are you?
Yes I thought the same thing. I have a feeling she showed something in front of them or on the phone call they could hear her flipping out and screaming that she was going to “off herself” because the best friend said the cops showed up and carted her off. But like Panda said she de escalated when the cops showed up.

I feel a little better about all this thanks guys. Yet again you’ve put me a ease somewhat. Maybe I can sleep now.

[Notwendy]

I'm actually impressed that he called police rather than enable her. It shows that he has a grip on reality. I think it helped that the friend was there- as this was also a reality check.

It is possible for someone with BPD to pull it together when highly motivated. I have seen my mother do this many times. She also lies to psychiatrists. I don't have experience with this, but I suggest your son take steps to protect himself and also a safety plan as other's suggest. It's good the friend was there as a witness. She is capable of twisting the story around. He may need legal assistance if she makes accusations.

To me though, this shows he did not buy into her disordered thinking about watching the TV show and he held his boundary with the friend staying there.

[Panda39]

Wonder if she has a past history of this on record that the police had access to, or maybe this is "Standard Procedure" you make that kind of threat they are required to take you to be checked out, or even if they didn't see any crazy behavior they recognized there was conflict so they removed one party...could be a lot of reasons they took her to the hospital.

Some people threaten suicide as a form of manipulation (when they don't really mean to do it).  Best to take it seriously.  If she learns that she will face a psychiatric hold in the future, she may think twice about making threats for the sake of manipulation.

I agree with no one here, suicide threat call the police IMO every time both for safety (always take the threat seriously) and because this likely is not the response she really wants and once she see's there isn't the reward she wants (your son's attention) the instances of this might lessen.

Panda39

[zachira]

I agree that you son needs to make a safety plan to protect himself and his daughter. He might want to sit down with a qualified mental health professional to make sure that the safety plan covers nearly every possible scenario. My heart goes out to you, as you are truly very concerned for the well being of your son and granddaughter.

[Mickey47]

No One - no truer words ever spoken! You are dead on right here.

Some people threaten suicide as a form of manipulation (when they don't really mean to do it).  Best to take it seriously.

I’m sorry I should’ve told you that yesterday, but I was so distraught about everything I just wasn’t thinking. I appreciate what you said about her turning off and on her behavior that is so true! It’s unreal to me that someone can do that and it’s bizarre, because I can’t do that. It takes me a while to calm down if I get upset. But yeah it’s so true!

Panda39 - Yes she is very psychically abusive and gets away with it with my son, because he is not that type of man. He is a very caring, loving and compassionate man. She plays on that and takes advantage. Rage is another yes just loses control completely. I’m proud of him too for doing the right thing and even though it could be her manipulation tactic still have to take seriously and he knows that. Yeah I definitely told his BF about the safety plan.

I don’t know if there is a history of being taken to a psychiatric hospital because after the destruction of our property. I did a background check on her and didn’t see anything about her period. I guess because she’s never worked is why I literally can not find anything on her at all. When I type her name in all I find is a meetme account and twitter she had before she ever met my son. So as far as I know there is no history of arrest or anything like that.

Notwendy - HI hope everything is going good for you.
Yes I was very impressed myself that he called the police and didn’t play into her behavior yet again. I think the friend being there definitely makes him have to look at his situation and more aware of it instead of living in her world 24/7.

I just pray he doesn’t let her take advantage anymore and doesn’t just put up with all this crap. I truly pray he will get out of this marriage and seek therapy for himself to deal with everything he has been through. One day eventually finds good woman to truly and unconditionally love him and B. in a healthy happy way.  

Zachira - Yes I agree with you completely about the safety plan. I wish he’d come to us and say hey so I need to talk and tell y’all what’s been going on with my life. Why I haven’t been the daddy I know and y’all know I can be. I’ve just made some big mistakes and trying to pull myself out of the hole I made for myself. Then I could just really talk to my son like we were always able to do before her. We use to have such good heart to heart talks and I’m not talking about when he was a teen no I’m talking about right before he met her.

Slowly she pulled my son away, but I pray that now slowly I’m getting my son back. Yes I’m terrified for his safety! I worry about my GD because she hasn’t been able to see her daddy much at all, but not her safety. She lives with her mother and my son was trying to protect his daughter by not coming and getting her. His BF did say that my son said “I miss my babygirl so bad and I’m so sick of this crap and I’m sick of my parents thinking I don’t love my daughter or them. I just can’t do this anymore, but I can’t force her because then I can’t handle the guilt if she kills herself. I feel so stuck!”

His BF said man you gotta do what’s best for you and your family daughter and you can’t be responsible for someone else’s actions or what they threaten their going to do it’s total BS and it’s just wrong.” He just said “yeah I know man I know” I feel like he is finally waking up to it and actually looking at it instead of sweeping it under the rug. Maybe the light at the end of this tunnel is finally visible.

Thank all of you so much for your support and talking to me. Your advice has helped so much you don’t even know. I know I say this a lot but I pray it’s almost over and we can finally focus on helping our son move forward.

[Mickey47]

Notwendy, Panda39, JNChell, No One, Zachira, Harri, Once removed, Kwamina and Gagrl

I wanted to include all of you who have been with me through this whole situation from beginning to hopefully end.  

My son did go pick up his wife from the psychiatric hospital, but told his BF that even in the car she started up. As soon as she walked through the door she started up and demanded the BF to move out. My son said No she said “I want him to leave I don’t want him here!” My son said “well that’s too bad because it’s not happening.” He stays! She said “fine then I want a divorce!”

He said “good divorce it is then I’m sick of your crap” I asked the BF if he thought once she calmed down and y’all get home from work she starts saying she’s sorry and he could live there did he think he’d give her yet another chance. He said No he is done he said “it’s done she’s making me miserable. I can’t watch TV or play a video game without her freaking out getting jealous over some girl character coming on screen. I can’t see my family cause she’s jealous of my sister.

I can’t see my daughter cause I’m giving her too much attention. I can’t enjoy my life at all and I can’t handle this crap anymore. His BF said he said he thinks it’s going to happen fast like talking tomorrow or Friday going to an attorney and get the divorce process going. So I just pray he does go through with it. I pray she doesn’t hurt herself just to hurt him and

I pray this is finally over and we and my GD can get our son and daddy back. Now after he finally comes to us and tells us what’s been going on. I’m going to slowly suggest therapy for him. I think it’s best especially after what he has been through.

I will definitely keep you updated on what happens next. Please pray or send positive thoughts that this is the light shining through at the end of this horrific awful tunnel.  

[Turkish]

Where you are with his BF is tricky,  but the good kind of triangulation, though tricky. It's good that he trusts you to keep you updated.  Your son and his wife (certainly) are emotionally on their edges. There may be a relapse.  It may be baby steps (with drama). Support him as you can yourself and by proxy through his BF. As my T said, "these things typically take time." Be alert, but give it time.  I was there, without as much drama,  yet it took time to seperate and detach with our kids.  Many months. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Mickey47

Thanks for this update. It's a very interesting development indeed seeing your son stand up to his wife like that. I agree with Turkish that these things can take time. Regardless how they move forward with their marriage, I do find it promising that your son is attempting to change the dynamics of his relationship with his wife.

I pray she doesn’t hurt herself just to hurt him and...

It's a sad reality that some people with BPD suffer from suicidal ideation and/or make suicidal gestures. No matter the exact underlying motivations, these types of behaviors can best be taken seriously every time by getting professionals involved who are trained to deal with these matters. Whether she would do it to hurt your son or not, she ultimately would also be hurting herself.

The Board Parrot

[Panda39]

This is all sounding promising, but I agree things can relapse, the detaching process may take time and even if there is follow through the divorce process will take time.  Be supportive but stay grounded. 

I also would encourage therapy for your son.  Many of the people on these boards in a relationship with a BPD person will eventually take a look at themselves, why did they choose this type of partner, why did they accept abuse, what were they getting out of this type of relationship etc.

Your DIL has her issues but it does take two to Tango.  Your son also had conflict with his baby mama there is a little bit of a pattern.  I am not being critical of him, not at all, but I'm suggesting he look at himself in order to make better choices in the future and find more happiness which I know is what you want for him too.

Keep us posted and take care,
Panda39

[Mickey47]

Panda39

Your DIL has her issues but it does take two to Tango.  Your son also had conflict with his baby mama there is a little bit of a pattern.  I am not being critical of him, not at all, but I'm suggesting he look at himself in order to make better choices in the future and find more happiness which I know is what you want for him too.

SO VERY TRUE! Agree 100%

Panda39, Kwamina, Turkish

Yeah I know there’s been a lot of relapse with this and I know it’ll take time. My son most definitely has his own issues for sure and I’m praying we can get him to agree to therapy. I’m going to continue to support my son anyway possible and I pray he will come to us and tell us what’s going on so I can support him personally, but I’m willing to also just be supportive through his BF right now.

Yeah it is a tricky situation, but I know his BF wants the absolute best for him and we’ve know BF for many years. I know his family which is a good caring and loving family. His mom has helped me a lot with my anger and pain. Because this is extremely hard for me and painful. I’d have to say it’s the second most painful thing I’ve gone through the first was losing both my parents. It’s just that helpless feeling I get the same one when my parents passed away.

It’s like unimaginable helplessness. Like my hands are tied and I can’t move. I can’t stand that feeling. I’ve gotten a lot better with dealing with it thanks to ALL OF YOU and my family and friends. My circle is very small who I let in, but it’s very blessed to have all of you in it as well. You all are really amazing people and I know the Lord lead me to this group and I’m so thankful.