The Cat

[tine2]

I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas about this… I am a member from a while back and just posted recently about my mom (and golden brother) and my mom's new cat who has taken over the role of GOLDEN ONE. Anyway, just want to bring up an incident that happened a few months ago when we (me, my dh, and my dd) were invited to my in-laws for dinner, along with my uBPD mom and unpd dad and my golden brother and his wife. So… we drove 1/2 hour there and after 15 minutes, my mom disappeared. About an 45 mins. later, as we were about to sit down for dinner, we all asked where she was? My dad explained that she'd driven back (1/2 hour) to their house to feed the cat. (She says that the cat cannot eat or go to the bathroom without her there  ). Just as he's explaining that, he gets a call from her: she can't find her key and is locked out and needs him to drive back (1/2 hour!) to let her in to feed the cat. Which he does! And my in-laws hold dinner until they get back an hour or so, later.

Any insight into what's going on here? Everyone in my family acts like it's somewhat cute and fairly normal that my mom treats that cat like royalty, but it just makes my blood boil. That cat! I know that cats are independent creatures and can take care of themselves, for even a few days, if their owners are gone (given food and water are left out). But, my God, my mom acts like that cat depends on her for breathing. Anyone else's BPD act totally bizarre with pets? Is this a BPD thing? I think it's her turning the cat GOLDEN because my brother and I have moved far away and have our own lives now.

[BreatheDeep]

She has certainly created a lot of drama because of the cat. She inconvenienced a lot of people for no logical reason.

I'm an animal lover and have dogs and a cat, but if I'm at someone's home for dinner I wouldn't leave to feed them. They get fed either before I leave the house or when I get home. Humans come first.

I'm just learning about BPD so I don't have any help to offer. It doesn't sound narcissistic. Definitely not right to put you and all the relatives' dinner on hold for a cat that can eat crunchies out of a dish at any time.

[Sandcastle]

Shortly after I moved out of state, mother got a shih-Tzu. Yes, the doggy is a golden child, which makes me ever so grateful I am an only child, otherwise whatever little sibling I had would have made life terrible for me.

She hasn't gone to quite the extreme of driving home to feed it (that I know of,) but she does go out of her way for it. She used to bring it on the plane out to where I used to live, and pay all the extra money and go by the regulations (something about short-nosed dogs in the heat). It gets trips to the groomer and spoiled with toys.

I think what got me was that I was never allowed to have anything other than fish or a cockatiel growing up even though I'd begged for a dog. I got yelled at when the cockatiel screeched or made a tiny poop on the carpet. Yet she got a dog which made all sorts of messes and she learned to deal with it. She hated loud, repetitive sounds, but is fine with getting the dog squeaky toys and stuffed elves that play a stupid Xmas song over and over.

I hate the dog. Nice dog, but it's hers, and therefore I don't like it. She noticed and could never understand why, "Because he's only trying to be nice." Arrggh. If I'd tried that, I would have gotten in trouble for bothering people.

[Gerda]

My mom is like that with her cats now. I can't remember how many she has now, it's around 5 to 7.

Since I was so horrible as to LEAVE HER (that is, I grew up, moved out, got married, etc.), she turned to her cats.

The funny thing is, we've had cats all our lives, and when I was a kid, I don't remember my mom spoiling our cats then. In fact, there were instances where she refused to take them to the vet when they really needed it (because it's too expensive), or she'd complain often that they were too much trouble and she can't wait until they all die off so she wouldn't have to take care of them anymore. She finally got rid of one of our cats (gave it away to someone), and threatened to take another to the pound, so I ended up taking that one with me when I moved out. A lot of our cats ended up dying young by getting hit by cars anyway, because she let them wander around outside too much.

The thing is, that cat she was threatening to take to the pound? That was mainly because she'd pee where she wasn't supposed to. When I took her to live with me in my apartment, she never did anything wrong ever again! She was absolutely the most well-behaved, sweetest cat ever. I think she was peeing on things because she was living in such a stressful environment having to live with my mom! She ended up living to the ripe old age of 17. I think moving out of mom's house was the best thing that ever happened to BOTH of us.

I think this just shows that pwBPD "split" pets too. They can neglect or even abuse them for a while, and then suddenly it's all "my pets are my babies" and pamper and spoil them.

My mom actually forced my older sister (I have 2 sisters and they're both still strongly under her control) to miss my wedding because she needed someone to watch the cats. I told Mom I'd even pay for a pet sitter so my sister could go, but Mom said she needs someone she can trust to watch them. She kept going on about the last time she came to visit me, and my younger sister was supposed to watch the cats, but when she got home, THEIR FOOD BOWLS WERE EMPTY! 

Probably because my sister knew Mom was coming home that day and would feed them when she got home.

But Mom actually wanted my sister to come visit them every day, and not just top up their food and water and check the litterboxes and then leave, but spend a few hours with them petting them because they're so lonely without her. In fact, even better, my sister should have lived at mom's house while she was gone so the cats wouldn't be left alone at all.

Yes, you can actually leave a healthy cat alone for a day or two and they'll be fine. You put a lot of dry food down and a lot of water and make sure the litterbox is clean and that's it. My DH and I do that with my two cats, like when we go camping over the weekend, and they're fine. If we are gone longer than a couple of days, then we get someone to check on them.

My mom actually thinks that shows I don't love my cats enough and neglect them. She once even offered to take them off my hands because obviously I don't love them enough. 

[Lise]

My BPD mom also turned out to be a cat lover after I left home and she was perhaps fearing that the golden boy (my brother) would desert her too.

She idealized the cat, treated it like the world's most amazing being. Kept calling me to tell me about clever things the cat'd done, or just describing what it's day had been like. I could tell she got hurt when I couldn't muster the levels of excitement and amazement, she clearly expected. But I just couldn't - it was a friggin cat - it did cat-stuff, none of it more clever, funny, or cute that what all cats are capable of. I'm actually convinced that she believed she had a special connection to this cat, that they were soul mates or something, you'd almost think she was in love with it from the way she acted around it.

I remember at one time she was so worried because the cat seemed to have lost it's appetite. When she found out that it was because it went to another house to eat the cat food they'd set out, she was severely hurt, acting like she'd been cheated on. And she couldn't understand how the cat could be so heartless as to reject her food for someone else's.

Oh, and another time, she obsessed about the cat "having a girlfriend". She kept describing the cat's interest for a female cat in the neighborhood in terms of them being sweethearts, courting and dating. And she clearly put herself in the role of the proud mother of the groom. She even went over to the female cat's owners, seemingly seeking out a relationship since they were now going to be in laws. She afterwards described those owners in less than friendly terms, I guess they didn't see eye to eye with her on the matter. - It's sad, really, but at the time I was just so embarrassed to be the daughter of the crazy cat lady, I couldn't empathize with her.

To the surprise of no one, the cat ran away after a few years ... . she was heartbroken, feeling abandoned, rejected. I was secretly rooting for the cat, hoping that it had found a home that was less confusing to be in.

[busybee1116]

It sounds like same BPD drama, different need gratifying object. She gets to look important--cat needs her, dad has to drop everything to help (rescue!) her, you all have to wait and stop the dinner party for her return... . her problems/concerns take precedence and override anyone else's, no matter how petty and unemergent.

My uBPD mom now has a cat. The cat is a source of drama and friction constantly because she creates it. It just gives her another excuse for chaos and a cat can't talk back or leave. She alternately loves the cat madly or ignores it, just like she did with my bro and me. 

[tine2]

Well, I guess I'm not surprised that other BPDs are cat-crazy. And I do think you're right, busybee1116, same drama, different need-gratifying object. It's really sad. With the cat, I see more clearly how my mother treated us (my golden bro and I). Smothering, needy, controlling, withholding, (and often queen/witch/sometimes waif). But, for some reason, to other people, she looked like the perfect mother. With the cat, though, she just looks crazy. I mean, she spoon-feeds it, puts it down for naps, wakes it up for feedings and pettings, strolls it outside in a stroller, etc. And, it does get me, too, that when we were growing up, we wanted a pet, but my mom and dad hated animals. They were so over-the-top with dislike for them, that we weren't allowed to eat the food prepared by pet-owners (for fear of germs, hair, etc.). We had to wash our hands anytime we came in contact with an animal. Etc. But now…. splitting, right?

[busybee1116]

Yes. And she's treating the cat better than the people around her. My mom treated us like toys--she's dress us up, play house, and then toss us metaphorically back in the toy box to be ignored when done with us. As doting as she is to the cat, she may flip and mistreat it, too. My mom's cat hides under the bed a lot. I don't have to guess why.

[Lily77]

It's funny, I never realized it until I read this thread, but my uBPD mother acts similarly towards her two cats. My mother also never showed much interest in the cats we had while I was growing up--they were scrappy, indoor/outdoor, and were only fed cheap dry food. I was always the one brushing them, flea combing them, and playing with them. Now she has two very pampered indoor cats. Only the best organic food will do, and she spends a lot of time talking about them and all the "cute" things they do. She's always frantic that they're about to get out of the house, to the point that she will often have all the windows shut up even in warm weather, so that the cats won't "poke out a screen" and jump out the window.