fallout from holding limits; advice on next steps

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

In August, I made two changes:

First, I committed to living as fully as I can regardless of my uBPD husband. I asked myself what I wanted. How would I live if I wasn’t thinking about and living my life “around” him (i.e., on eggshells)? For me, this meant taking a solo trip, spending time with friends, exercising, finding a church I like, spending one-on-one time with my children—things I’d not much allowed myself for years because I knew my husband would find some reason to object to or diminish the thing, see it somehow hurting him. I feel like I’m coming back to life and myself. I feel a great freedom to be able to enjoy life. If my husband does not, that is on him.

Second, I have held to limits I set. I’m someone who generally is good with boundaries, but the BDP had worn down my limits—so imperceptibly I didn’t notice until therapy. It’s been life-changing to recognize the pattern and anticipate push back from my husband when I hold a limit. Previously the push back always caught me by surprise no matter how many times it had happened before. Now I (mostly) do not take the insults personally and remain calm.

However, while I am in a much better place, my husband has reacted strongly to these changes and now appears depressed. There is a great deal of tension between us. Things are strained.

Anyone else have experience with blowback from instituting (healthy) changes?

Any suggestions on my next step? I’m not ready to melt my heart toward him or anything crazy advanced like that! But a small step I might be able to take? 

[zondolit]

Hi all,

In August, I made two changes:

First, I committed to living as fully as I can regardless of my uBPD husband. I asked myself what I wanted. How would I live if I wasn’t thinking about and living my life “around” him (i.e., on eggshells)? For me, this meant taking a solo trip, spending time with friends, exercising, finding a church I like, spending one-on-one time with my children—things I’d not much allowed myself for years because I knew my husband would find some reason to object to or diminish the thing, see it somehow hurting him. I feel like I’m coming back to life and myself. I feel a great freedom to be able to enjoy life. If my husband does not, that is on him.

Second, I have held to limits I set. I’m someone who generally is good with boundaries, but the BDP had worn down my limits—so imperceptibly I didn’t notice until therapy. It’s been life-changing to recognize the pattern and anticipate push back from my husband when I hold a limit. Previously the push back always caught me by surprise no matter how many times it had happened before. Now I (mostly) do not take the insults personally and remain calm.

However, while I am in a much better place, my husband has reacted strongly to these changes and now appears depressed. There is a great deal of tension between us. Things are strained.

Anyone else have experience with blowback from instituting (healthy) changes?

Any suggestions on my next step? I’m not ready to melt my heart toward him or anything crazy advanced like that! But a small step I might be able to take? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Zondo,
I am on a similar journey to yours with my d bpd wife. I am finding it a struggle due to her emotional over reactions but I am learning so much and hopefully making progress. Some days it still just feels easier to not push things too far, so I have days when I work harder at it and others not so much. I just wanted to say, thanks for sharing your story, I find it very inspiring and I you all the best on your journey. I don’t have any advice but look forward to hearing some suggestions from the good people here.

[Couscous]

Ah yes, blowback is inevitable.

I’m not sure there is any next step for you. The challenge is going to be to stay the course no matter how your husband reacts, or how long his reaction lasts, and to remind yourself daily that you are not responsible for his feelings. Two books, The Dance of Anger and Emotional Blackmail were immensely helpful for me in handling the blowback.

[Rev]

Ah yes, blowback is inevitable.

I’m not sure there is any next step for you. The challenge is going to be to stay the course no matter how your husband reacts, or how long his reaction lasts, and to remind yourself daily that you are not responsible for his feelings. Two books, The Dance of Anger and Emotional Blackmail were immensely helpful for me in handling the blowback.

Lot's of wisdom here. Once you have laid a boundary and you are still hanging around, the ball to adjust is really in his court. If you adjust now, you are only enabling him, which in the long run is no good for anyone.

Assuming that you are emotionally and physically safe, there is a a hopeful view of this. Studies have shown that men don't do as well out of relationships than women do. So what that what means is that there is a better chance that he'll come around if you hold on to your ground than if your genders were reversed.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s a great thread on extinction bursts and intermittent reinforcement.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Hold steady on your path of healthy behavior. Your husband can join you or not. It’s up to him.

[zondolit]

Ah, I am definitely experiencing an extinction burst right now with my husband; he's feeling desperate and so the angst and negative behaviors get magnified. Thanks, Cat Familiar, for pointing me to information on this. It's reassuring to have a name for the behavior and know it is "normal" pattern others have experienced too.

Couscous, I will look up the books you suggest.

I will do my best to hold the course. I am physically safe, Rev. I think I'm emotionally safe enough. 

I love being part of this online community of strangely named, helpful, empathetic, wise folks. Thank you, all.