Toothpick in my food

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Hello, over a week ago I found a toothpick in my food while eating it at work.  The toothpick was definitely inside the tofu puff I was eating and not sticking out.  I put the whole thing in my mouth and chewed a few bites before I found it. This approximately 17 days after my wife mentioned she wanted to get life insurance for the family.  It took me about a week before I could drum up the courage to ask my wife why there was a toothpick in the food.

She responded "I use it to tie the ends together" and proceeded to show me how she did it.  However I don't see how the toothpick would get inside the tofu puff completely and if it was sticking out of the puff my mouth would have detected it.  I asked her how the toothpick would have got inside the tofu puff and she responded “I don’t know.  I told you before there was a toothpick in there but it’s my fault you didn’t remember I told you that. (gas lighting).”  She then got mad at me for waiting a week to tell her.  I told her because of all the stuff going on it was hard for me to tell her.  She said “Did you think I was going to kill you?”  “You were going to give me divorce papers.”  I said “I don’t know what you were thinking.”  She got mad for a while and didn’t say much.

Later when I came home from work and she said “This whole thing is silly.  I know that I can’t kill someone with a toothpick.”

Here's some of the things that bother me here.  My wife did not say she was sorry the toothpick was in my food until 2 days later and her immediate reaction focused on me not telling her for a week.  She did not ask me if I was injured.  I was never the one to bring up her killing me.  She started that when she said “Do you think I’m trying to kill you?”  Then later She said “This whole thing is silly.  I know I can’t kill someone with a toothpick.”

My opinion is that my wife is trying to be mean to me again. 

Any thoughts?   

       

[Aaron1979]

Hello, over a week ago I found a toothpick in my food while eating it at work.  The toothpick was definitely inside the tofu puff I was eating and not sticking out.  I put the whole thing in my mouth and chewed a few bites before I found it. This approximately 17 days after my wife mentioned she wanted to get life insurance for the family.  It took me about a week before I could drum up the courage to ask my wife why there was a toothpick in the food.

She responded "I use it to tie the ends together" and proceeded to show me how she did it.  However I don't see how the toothpick would get inside the tofu puff completely and if it was sticking out of the puff my mouth would have detected it.  I asked her how the toothpick would have got inside the tofu puff and she responded “I don’t know.  I told you before there was a toothpick in there but it’s my fault you didn’t remember I told you that. (gas lighting).”  She then got mad at me for waiting a week to tell her.  I told her because of all the stuff going on it was hard for me to tell her.  She said “Did you think I was going to kill you?”  “You were going to give me divorce papers.”  I said “I don’t know what you were thinking.”  She got mad for a while and didn’t say much.

Later when I came home from work and she said “This whole thing is silly.  I know that I can’t kill someone with a toothpick.”

Here's some of the things that bother me here.  My wife did not say she was sorry the toothpick was in my food until 2 days later and her immediate reaction focused on me not telling her for a week.  She did not ask me if I was injured.  I was never the one to bring up her killing me.  She started that when she said “Do you think I’m trying to kill you?”  Then later She said “This whole thing is silly.  I know I can’t kill someone with a toothpick.”

My opinion is that my wife is trying to be mean to me again. 

Any thoughts?   

       

[ForeverDad]

What is concerning is that you're concerned and yet doubting yourself.  You're on edge for a reason and should trust your gut.  While it almost surely isn't actionable by itself in a legal respect, do perk your ears up and be alert.  It could be a part of a general pattern to gradually wear you down.

[Aaron1979]

Foreverdad,

You're correct, I have to believe in myself.  I've been dealing with the label of my diagnosis of Asperger's.  It's hard to trust myself when I'm told that my wiring is backward from everyone else's.  I'll start researching and journaling about how to believe in myself.

I agree that it's not actionable legally and I'm already watching her closely.  I think she's messing with me, trying to weaken me so she can have control again.  That's why I'm so angry with her inside right now.  She already tried to entrap me earlier this month.

Thank you.

[Moselle]

Aaron 1979?

So sorry to hear your story. Mine started with the death threats. "I want you dead", etc so I recognise the distress you have about this.

I didn't quite understand the reference "You were going to give me divorce papers"

Is she punishing you for suggesting divorce?

[enlighten me]

My ex wife used to urinate in my bath when she was upset with me. She admitted she did this and thought it was funny.

If it was done on purpose I don't think it was to kill you but just to hurt you as she felt you had wronged. A petty act of vengeance.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Aside from a toothpick in your food and what that means, I think the waiting to respond, taking issue, making a bid deal (after processing it to find something wrong with it) is all consistent with BPD.  I have learned to vet what I say to my uBPDw very carefully because given enough time, I will get her response and what I said will have been bent into something accusatory, false, and cruel - in her mind. 

As for the toothpick and death threats.  I would tend to separate the talking from the action.  Meaning that placing a toothpick in your food (and I can't imagine what it would be like to have a wife make lunch, much less something that required cooking and preparation) when it's normally done in cooking, might possibly just be an honest mistake.  BPDs do that every once in a while. 

Whereas, threats, followed with more incidents of tampering, poisoning, and such, are something I would take more seriously.  As a strategy, I would see if threats, suspicions, and overt acts increase towards you.  BPDs tend to attempt suicide for attention first, rather than actual resolve.  I think that if her attempts to hurt you may be scaling upwards, they are not outright attempts to kill you - in that case protect yourself by all means.  She could have used glass fragments in your food to really hurt you for example, but, a toothpick (if intentional) was a very mild unsuccessful act, for show.  Not good news either way, just something to watch and see what happens.

[Aaron1979]

Posted by: Moselle   

Is she punishing you for suggesting divorce?

Yes, I think she is punishing me for attempting to leave and trying to control me.  I think she's punishing me because I don't trust her (for good reason).  I almost was able to finish the papers but she found out and she so far has got me through manipulation, lies, attempted entrapment, and threats to stay. 

I've come really far but she still controls the church we go to, the finances, certain things that I want to do.

I think this was on purpose.  The toothpick was completely concealed in the center of the tofu puff.  Her motives are likely to weaken me. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

... .but she found out and she so far has got me through manipulation, lies, attempted entrapment, and threats to stay. 

I've come really far but she still controls the church we go to, the finances, certain things that I want to do.

It's appalling what they turn marriage into isn't it?

[Sunfl0wer]

This gives me a bad vibe.

It seems parallel to a person with BPD having degrees of suicidal idealizations to actual suicide attempt.  As though this is on a spectrum of the same behavior... .just in a lesser or greater intensity.

I feel like the toothpick is on a path/spectrum of 'physical harm to Aaron,' but somewhere in the middle of idealizations of harm and actual premeditated murder.

This doesn't sit well with me.

[Aaron1979]

My thought is that she's playing games.  When I confronted her about the toothpick I asked her  "How did the toothpick get in the tofu puff?"  She showed me how to tie that together and then she got mad.  She got mad about me not telling her for one week and later about not going to Japan for 3 years (same conversation) because she was trying to get the focus off the toothpick in the food.  If she was sorry she would have apologized immediately.  But she didn't.  She apologized a day later. 

That's what makes me think she put it in there and that's why I think she's playing games.

That is what ties together the suicidal/physical harm aspect of this.  She is trying to throw me off balance again so she can control me.  If I didn't confront her about it, she would still have me afraid.  She's likely more upset that I confronted her at all. 

That's what I think.  I now highly doubt she'll commit suicide or try to kill me but was trying to put the thought in my mind.  All her usual methods have failed with me because I'm on to her.  I think she's been trying new methods.

It seems that the amount of incidents with her has plummeted lately.  But the behavior she does exhibit seems to be getting worse.  I've never seen a toothpick in my food like that before.   

Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong, I suppose my home is not safe either way.  I know it's something I need to decide for myself and my kids.  I wonder why I'm hesitating.         

[Sunfl0wer]

Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong, I suppose my home is not safe either way.  I know it's something I need to decide for myself and my kids.  I wonder why I'm hesitating.         

It sounds like you have fine instincts yet are finding this hard to fathom, therefore doubting them. 

Keep trusting yourself!

Assuming she IS toying with the idea of harming you right now, (either on occasion of moods, or as a continuing thought) but not yet fully committed to the idea and a plan... .

What are some options you have to protect yourself and the kids?

_{By the way, the fact that you have Asperger's may be helpful to you in not escalating things, staying objective and not getting so emotionally reactive to things.}

[Aaron1979]

In a pinch I can stay with some friends where she doesn't know where they live.  I have some credit cards that she does not have access to.  I have divorce papers locked in my work locker where she cannot get to them.  I can grab some clothes or buy them. 

       

[ForeverDad]

Have a Go Bag in a nearby but safe place, you never know when you'll have to bug out, even if only for a night or weekend.  Also keep cash, an extra set of keys and copies of important documents accessible too.

Many acting-out spouses are very possessive of the children.  Try to take the children with you.  Understand attempting that can inflame the situation, there might not even be a practical way to leave with the kids.  However, if you later try to claim she was dangerous and try to include the children under that umbrella, the professionals could ask why you didn't flee with the children but left them behind.  One answer would be to state it would have created a worse incident but you promptly followed up by seeking emergency intervention and/or legal possession.  Of course by that time, you're getting local legal advice and not just our peer support experiences.