A wonderful Saturday (after the storm, the sun rises)

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, he has been fairly controlled this last month. When he sees "it" coming he just goes for a walk or to sleep and then we work things out without him trashing the nasty words. This method has been working out but this Saturday night (always at night) the "dragon" woke up again.

We were getting ready to see a movie and he asked me to help him charge his phone (he has severe OCD, there are some things he needs help doing or he will repeat them infinite times. I have OCD too so I get it... . ) I noticed he had a text message on the thing. So I told him: You got a text. (the screen lights when connected)  He went to see the text and showed to me. I said "no, no. I don't wanna see it baby. Its your phone" And he turned the phone to me and it was a network message. Old one. He saw it was an old message and said: "Oh this is an old one. Wait its not it." and then open the inbox and there was a woman name in there, and the message was from her. He open it and showed it to me. It said something like "Hey! Sorry for being absent but I'm working on some personal issues and will "surface" when the sea is calmer" (some poetic stuff like that) He asked me if I was ok. And I said: "I told you not to show me. There are things I really prefer not to know. If that exact message was sent to ME by a guy friend of mine you would be going crazy right now" And so it all began and I confess it was a little my fault. Ok, a lot my fault... . I could have just said that I was cool.

So I went on to say "As you know I have some trust issues. I prefer that I dont know at all about your phone, your facebook, you skype. I really prefer not to know what kind of talks you have with people"

bf: If this text was from a guy would you be jealous?

me: no.

bf: I have friends. Male and Females. This one is an old friend. She is over 40. She is married and a psychologist for children at a school. She asks for help when a kid comes to her and she knows he cuts himself. She asks for advice. And I feel good about it.

me: ok. Lets just watch the movie.

Of course we didn't.

So, what I learned that night was:

I'm gaining weight and that might be why he has a back problem.

He is not sure about what he feels about us.

He is tired of coming to see me every week.

He doesn't see himself living together in a near future.

He will never ever work so we will not have children again or a normal life so why bother?

And I am basically the most annoying person ever.

Of course that the next morning he was so sorry about all the things he had said. He loved me. I'm awesome. I'm the queen of the world. I'm amazing. I don't deserve him. He will never ever leave me. He is so sorry. And he asks if he will ever be able to be normal and not have these attacks. My answer: I don't know. Its up to you.

The fact is: I know this mental disease is physical. I know some things on their brain are not working properly, just like my OCD. But deep down I think: He just needs the attention, like a little kid... . So in a way, will he ever WANT to get better?

Its exhausting.

[MissTajo]

So, he has been fairly controlled this last month. When he sees "it" coming he just goes for a walk or to sleep and then we work things out without him trashing the nasty words. This method has been working out but this Saturday night (always at night) the "dragon" woke up again.

We were getting ready to see a movie and he asked me to help him charge his phone (he has severe OCD, there are some things he needs help doing or he will repeat them infinite times. I have OCD too so I get it... . ) I noticed he had a text message on the thing. So I told him: You got a text. (the screen lights when connected)  He went to see the text and showed to me. I said "no, no. I don't wanna see it baby. Its your phone" And he turned the phone to me and it was a network message. Old one. He saw it was an old message and said: "Oh this is an old one. Wait its not it." and then open the inbox and there was a woman name in there, and the message was from her. He open it and showed it to me. It said something like "Hey! Sorry for being absent but I'm working on some personal issues and will "surface" when the sea is calmer" (some poetic stuff like that) He asked me if I was ok. And I said: "I told you not to show me. There are things I really prefer not to know. If that exact message was sent to ME by a guy friend of mine you would be going crazy right now" And so it all began and I confess it was a little my fault. Ok, a lot my fault... . I could have just said that I was cool.

So I went on to say "As you know I have some trust issues. I prefer that I dont know at all about your phone, your facebook, you skype. I really prefer not to know what kind of talks you have with people"

bf: If this text was from a guy would you be jealous?

me: no.

bf: I have friends. Male and Females. This one is an old friend. She is over 40. She is married and a psychologist for children at a school. She asks for help when a kid comes to her and she knows he cuts himself. She asks for advice. And I feel good about it.

me: ok. Lets just watch the movie.

Of course we didn't.

So, what I learned that night was:

I'm gaining weight and that might be why he has a back problem.

He is not sure about what he feels about us.

He is tired of coming to see me every week.

He doesn't see himself living together in a near future.

He will never ever work so we will not have children again or a normal life so why bother?

And I am basically the most annoying person ever.

Of course that the next morning he was so sorry about all the things he had said. He loved me. I'm awesome. I'm the queen of the world. I'm amazing. I don't deserve him. He will never ever leave me. He is so sorry. And he asks if he will ever be able to be normal and not have these attacks. My answer: I don't know. Its up to you.

The fact is: I know this mental disease is physical. I know some things on their brain are not working properly, just like my OCD. But deep down I think: He just needs the attention, like a little kid... . So in a way, will he ever WANT to get better?

Its exhausting.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissTajo]

Note: He had suicide tendencies in the past. And a lot of self mutilation issues. He hasn't self harmed in almost ten years but Sunday morning he had a red mark on his stomach. When I asked what it was he didn't want to talk about it. I am afraid that if he starts the self harm again... . I would not stay at all.  how could I?

[living in the past]

 Hi Miss Tajo, i just happened to read this post to see how the the people on the staying board are doing, plus your name i think i have seen before.i am on the undecided board since i joined this site in nov,2013, but i should be on the leaving board,i was involved with a friend pwBPD,just friends, but went though all the turmoil i read about hear, right now friend is not calling me,which from reading here i should be gratefull for,i think for now i have been devalued and disarded,it hurts because i was just trying to help pwBPD, but i come here and read to reinforce in my mind that they are dealing with a mental illness and this is what they do, my comment to you is, if he self harms maybe thats what we need to get out i can read between the lines that you love him (i think) this is such a confusing illness to live with, best wishes to you. i do good on mondays, saturday is the hard day for me thats when i spent time with friend going to a 12 step meeting,to quit smoking,so i called her saturday and sunday, no call back, but at least today i can got to work and move on, glad your post is part of my day... .