Looking for advice-do you share your adult child diagnosis with their partner?.

[SlyQQ]

Hi was wondering about how people approached telling the partners of there children about there problems,

My Sd is probably very self aware , though there is always going to be a certain level of denial, her current partner knows she has issues , and surprisingly is temperamentally well placed to handle Sd.

Her last partner i told several times to seek a therapists help and told him numerous times if he wasn't a rock he would be washed away,

In the end i couldn't support her boyfriend because he started smoking meth with her , she inevitable broke up with him and he ended up in hospital as a result , but survived and i did my best to give him closure by painting myself as a reason for the breakup, ( i sort of tricked him into telling me he had smoked meth with her,

anyways want to help current p as much as i can has anyone got some expierience or ideas?

thx in anticipation keep well

p.s. to actually say BPD by name for various reasons is taboo ( sd mother is BPD and not on the scene)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SlyQQ]

Anyone ?

[Sunfl0wer]

Just replying since no one has yet, even tho I have no idea what would be helpful here.

If your daughter is an adult, and dating another adult, I am not sure why you would feel that you have a role in helping her partners understand her diagnosis or difficulties.

What outcome are you hoping for?

On the other hand, if the gentleman is approaching you and you are telling him to seek counseling because you don’t feel in a good position to help him sort this out, that likely could help.  I mean, you say you told one guy to seek a therapist and I’m thinking, that seems like fine advice.

[SlyQQ]

There is a very high death rate and even higher of suicide attempts among the exes i've seen,  post break up,

not to give someone fair warning at least seems wrong and just turned 21 is i guess an adult

[FaithfulHope]

Dear SlyQQ,  I am by no means an expert on this, but I think you have to take each situation one by one.  My DD25, almost 26, has BPD.  She has had tons and tons of brief relationships and hookups over the years but she did have a couple long term ones.  The first started in her teens... .she was with a girl off and on for years. Both dysfunctional hot messes.   Sometimes the partner would contact me after a breakup that she couldn't do it anymore and I always wished her well and told her she needed to do what was best for her.   The more recent long term relationship was with a guy who was about 18 months younger than my daughter.   Super sweet guy who just adored her.   She became so stable during this time that I let myself think maybe she had been misdiagnosed!  He didn't seem to mind her ups and downs as his mom has severe mental health issues... .I think she has BPD as well.   So, he was used to it.   However a year ago they moved in together.  It lasted just 4 months and she was back home and still plays the victim.   She can't see that she mentally beat the hell out of him.  In my opinion, the problem was that she couldn't handle the responsibilities of budgeting her money, having to clean an apartment, grocery shop, etc.  She just wants someone to take care of her. He contacted us after the breakup because he had been trying to sever ties and they had a phone plan together.  So we told her we would pay to break the plan up.  She was FURIOUS that we even spoke to him.   But she was happy to still have her phone.   He still keeps in touch with me here and there to let me know he is doing well.   He is healing emotionally.   I do not tell her we have been in touch because she would not understand and be angry.  She sees it completely backwards.  She has it in her mind that she was the victim.    So... .its hard to know what is the right thing to do.  I am reading a book now called Loving Someone with BPD.  I think going forward if my DD has a relationship where that book could be of help, I would suggest it to the partner.   You may want to read it if you haven't already.   That might be a good place to start.   Wishing you well.

[SlyQQ]

Thank you it has been a hard road for her, her first boy friend is dead , her farther also, and it was a close thing with her only other long term relationship
ironically it has helped her realize how difficult it can be for her partners, and she is reluctant to deeply commit to another relationship ( which in all honesty is great because a close relationship is the worst thing for someone with BPD)  and so she has stabilized somewhat, but i sense the relationship will move to the next level and i find myself with some difficult choices thank you i will read it with interest. 

[FaithfulHope]

Dear SlyQQ,   I think that is a wonderful thing that your DD has gained perspective.  Mine needs to always have a relationship.   Sadly I now think that she will never find one that is truly fulfilling as she only takes and never gives.   She wears her partners out with lies and manipulations.   I do think its wonderful that you are always there for your DD.  As hard as they can be, and mine is especially hard on me, but I think they need to know we will always be there.   Wishing you peace.