I think the only good thing that can come of this is that I'm now almost an expert on PDs. I will be able to spot PDs much sooner going forward, and have the knowledge to know that I should keep my distance. It's a small prize in exchange for a world of pain, but it's something.
I agree, I feel like I could give a lecture on this stuff sometimes. The intense need for answers and closure drove me back to the stacks. Relationships just don't end the way they do when you are with someone with a PD. So us nons go looking in books, articles, this site, etc. and before we know it, we are PD laymen.
Given the common threads that recycle on these boards the way some of us recycle with our partners, it's almost as if not only is there a PD playbook that our partners follow but there is also a non playbook that we follow. We all ask the same questions, we all desperately want answers that weren't provided to us, we all grieve, we all find our way to this site or help from a therapist, and we all try carve out a new life for ourselves based on what we've learned. Another thing that seems to be true for all of us is that we all seem to focus almost entirely on our partners after the break up. It takes a long time before we start thinking about ourselves again and for me, that's been much more difficult.
However, I do finally understand that if I hadn't taken this almighty a55 kicking I would not be looking at myself at all and I would always get worse codependency and end up with another unhappy relationship with poor boundaries.
Yes, this is something that I needed to learn. My boundaries were poor and that's what got me hooked in when it all started. My FOO issues kept me around. But I still believe that with a reciprocating partner, I don't end up here - despite how foolish as it is to hypothetical everything.
I too wish I could have had the good part of my marriage without the bad. I suppose the most comforting thing to know is surely we can have that again if they were only reflecting the great in us?
This is what I keep going back to. And it's what I likely need to focus on more when I have days like these. She adopted my personality. The things that friends liked about her/us were a reflection of me. And I'm reminded of that when I hang out with friends and they start to realize this and in some cases have even pointed it out. I mean, who is she going to be now? How many times can she really change her spots? It sounds kind of juvenile to think about things like this but I suppose that's all part of rebuilding the self-esteem.
