BPD love... left

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all.  So grateful to have this resource. I posted this on a different board-this one was recommended to me as well, so I look forward to your input.

I'm really lost here. I've been in a relationship with someone for a little over two years, who I now suspect has BPD. Suffice it to say that his hx with relationships, friends, depression, work, money, substance use... . all SEEM to add up. I've been doing a lot of reading, talking with MH professionals, and trying to get a grip on what I'm dealing with.

After two really wonderful years-no anger, no outbursts,-really 24/7 together, loving interactions with my family and friends, etc- he had a angry meltdown on vacation-over what I'm still not sure, and said "that's it! we're done!" Over the last three months, he had been briefly moody at times, silent treatment three times, but never lasted. We had a brief breakup (one week) in May but it was because he said he needed to get his stuff together, he didn't have the capacity for a relationship-no anger, just a lot of sadness on both our parts. But then it was like that never happened.

It's been a month. I don't know if I should keep sending brief texts letting him know I'm here for him, little invites to go for a walk, grab coffee, or should I just leave him alone. He has only responded to factual inquiries and once to a text concerning his daughter-who I'm close to. Nothing angry, no leave me alone, no nothing. I've asked if he wanted me to stop texting (I would honor that) and nothing back. He also left a piece of furniture he had refinished for me on my deck. I heard from an acquaintance that he is in a lot of pain.

The thought that I may never ever see or hear from him again is devastating-but I don't want to add to his pain (or mine) and make things worse. I'm seeing a counselor starting next week-so that's a good thing. Thanks for any advice you have to give. Leave him alone or keep a lifeline out there? bleh

tonight I came home to a bag on my back porch with a pair of my athletic shoes in it that I had left at his apartment-no note, nothing.  First "communication" from him in a week.

[isseeu]

Hi all.  So grateful to have this resource. I posted this on a different board-this one was recommended to me as well, so I look forward to your input.

I'm really lost here. I've been in a relationship with someone for a little over two years, who I now suspect has BPD. Suffice it to say that his hx with relationships, friends, depression, work, money, substance use... . all SEEM to add up. I've been doing a lot of reading, talking with MH professionals, and trying to get a grip on what I'm dealing with.

After two really wonderful years-no anger, no outbursts,-really 24/7 together, loving interactions with my family and friends, etc- he had a angry meltdown on vacation-over what I'm still not sure, and said "that's it! we're done!" Over the last three months, he had been briefly moody at times, silent treatment three times, but never lasted. We had a brief breakup (one week) in May but it was because he said he needed to get his stuff together, he didn't have the capacity for a relationship-no anger, just a lot of sadness on both our parts. But then it was like that never happened.

It's been a month. I don't know if I should keep sending brief texts letting him know I'm here for him, little invites to go for a walk, grab coffee, or should I just leave him alone. He has only responded to factual inquiries and once to a text concerning his daughter-who I'm close to. Nothing angry, no leave me alone, no nothing. I've asked if he wanted me to stop texting (I would honor that) and nothing back. He also left a piece of furniture he had refinished for me on my deck. I heard from an acquaintance that he is in a lot of pain.

The thought that I may never ever see or hear from him again is devastating-but I don't want to add to his pain (or mine) and make things worse. I'm seeing a counselor starting next week-so that's a good thing. Thanks for any advice you have to give. Leave him alone or keep a lifeline out there? bleh

tonight I came home to a bag on my back porch with a pair of my athletic shoes in it that I had left at his apartment-no note, nothing.  First "communication" from him in a week.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

So sorry. It's impossible to say whether or not he will try to recycle your r/s.

In the meantime, all you can do is work on yourself. It's good that you have something set up.

Hang in there!

[Steph]

 Hi,

  I would definately put my energy into healing myself.

How much substance abuse is there? Is he addicted? Its sometimes hard to tell whether or not behaviors are due to addiction vs a personality disorder. In any case, if he has substance abuse issues, it might help you to go to Alanon, and begin the hard work that happens there, to heal yourself.

I wouldnt keep reaching out to him, at this point. He knows you are there. Take this time to work on yourself, and see where that may go.

[isseeu]

Thanks so much for the responses.

As for substance abuse, I suspect there might be during this time of separation.  When I first met him, he was a heavy pot user, but that ended completely when we were together because it's just not something I'm into-and it was an issue for me that we both worked through.  I see now that it was a coping mechanism for him for years while he was in a horrible angry marriage.  It came up again about six months ago-he admitted using it again for his back pain (rather than doing what his PT and dr told him to do).  It's really a deal-breaker for me and I have a really hard time imagining him now back in that fog-but very strongly suspect he is... . which might be part of the shame because he knows how I feel about it.  I do believe that for him, that's the self-destructive behavior he engages in.  I also noticed a big new dent in the back of his truck-a truck he loves like his child-so don't know what that's about. I do worry.

Anyway, really trying to focus on myself... . baby steps... .   really really hard.