Ambushed tonight

[Theo41]

We had friends over for dinner. My uBPSw always gets uptight and anxious prepping for company. She did "everything." I did "nothing." ( what I did do was cook the dinner and clear the table after - something many men my age don't and won't do. ) When dinner was almost ready I went outside and told everyone "10 minutes" she came into the kitchen and raged at me privately for intentionally waiting and giving her less time than she needed to do her part ( salad and bread). She actually did put the salad and bread out in 10 minutes. I apologized and explained that I did not know she needed more time.

After the company left she started throwing things into the dishwasher (angry martyr ), and then gave me verbal hell for ruining her evening. I told her she looses control of her temper inappropriately all the time in situations like these, especially when she drinks too much,and my evening was ruined too. I brought her attention to the fact that most men don't do what I do. I COOKED THE MEAL AND SERVED IT AND CLEARED THE TABLE. I asked her to leave me alone and told her I don't want to talk when she's drinking. It was a stand-off and she went to bed (thank God) I just can't stand the quarreling and abuse ("you piece of s---".) Any suggestions for how I could have handled this better and what I should do tomorrow?

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[Chosen]

Hi THEO41,

I'm sorry you had to do the cooking, cleaning then get raged at by your wife!  It's not easy, and when she's hurling abuse you know that she's dysregulated and no point talking to her.

Two things I thought you could have done better:

1. You apologised when she shouted at you for giving her only 10 minutes to prepare everything.

- No need to apologise because she didn't inform you beforehand.  You can acknowledge that she needs more time and it's difficult, and probably say "Oh I didn't realise you need more time for that.  Next time let me know so I can time my cooking?"

2. You brought to her attention that you cooked and served and cleared the table.

- I think she already knows, and reminding her will not make her acknowledge it.  It sounds like JADE-ing (have you read about that in the Lessons?), which will only put her in a more argumentative mode.  She is saying she did everything and you did nothing, and you could initially just validate how she feels stressed from all the stuff she is doing (whether that is true or not.  She's feeling stressed, if she is, then she can rest and take it easy).  But when it goes to abuse territory, you don't talk to her anymore.  You don't address anything said in that abusive sentence until she can voice it in ordinary language.

[Theo41]

Hi THEO41,

I'm sorry you had to do the cooking, cleaning then get raged at by your wife!  It's not easy, and when she's hurling abuse you know that she's dysregulated and no point talking to her.

Two things I thought you could have done better:

1. You apologised when she shouted at you for giving her only 10 minutes to prepare everything.

- No need to apologise because she didn't inform you beforehand.  You can acknowledge that she needs more time and it's difficult, and probably say "Oh I didn't realise you need more time for that.  Next time let me know so I can time my cooking?"

2. You brought to her attention that you cooked and served and cleared the table.

- I think she already knows, and reminding her will not make her acknowledge it.  It sounds like JADE-ing (have you read about that in the Lessons?), which will only put her in a more argumentative mode.  She is saying she did everything and you did nothing, and you could initially just validate how she feels stressed from all the stuff she is doing (whether that is true or not.  She's feeling stressed, if she is, then she can rest and take it easy).  But when it goes to abuse territory, you don't talk to her anymore.  You don't address anything said in that abusive sentence until she can voice it in ordinary language.

.  THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS HELPFUL ADVISE. VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!

[Theo41]

Chosen. Thanks so much for your helpful advise. I am new to this group and need all the help I can get. I am beginning to work my way throug the lessons. Theo41

[Chosen]

You're welcome Theo41.  We'll all in this together!  This site has helped me so much, not only for the Lessons, but also knowing that other real people have gone through very similar things.  Living with a pwBPD is very tough, and we can come here and vent and learn and at least some other people can chip in and walk with us.  Many of the senior members here have a lot of experience handling BPD, so hopefully they will give you more advice too!  Take care.