I have not had contact with my uBPDx for about a month

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have not had contact with my uBPDx, with whom I work, for about a month, with the exception of a brief text that I did not respond to.  Today I get the following:

"Can we pls try and work this out

Just give me another chance at being a good friend

Pls"

I did not respond (and I have made clear that I did not want contact). Then:

"Seriously?

I know I've made mistakes.  But you care about me.  And I care about you."

The truth is, I have no desire to be "friends" with her at all.  Our r/s isn't and never has been healthy, she is self-absorbed and unreliable, and beyond that we have virtually no common interests.  I know that something bad must be happening with her and that she needs me as her emotional dumping ground, which is why she is reaching out.  And of course, I know at the root this is all about her fearing losing an attachment object, her being abandoned.  It has nothing to do with me per se.

The problem is that, despite all I know, the guilt weighs heavily on me.  I know she is suffering (in this particular moment), and although I'm not responding, it's a real challenge not to feel the weight of it, the weight of the suffering and the consequent guilt that she has now placed on me. I know that my struggle with the guilt is entirely about ME and not her, just as her need to establish a persistent attachment to me is about HER and not me. But still I feel a struggle not responding.  

Hoping for thoughts from the group.  

[BacknthSaddle]

I have not had contact with my uBPDx, with whom I work, for about a month, with the exception of a brief text that I did not respond to.  Today I get the following:

"Can we pls try and work this out

Just give me another chance at being a good friend

Pls"

I did not respond (and I have made clear that I did not want contact). Then:

"Seriously?

I know I've made mistakes.  But you care about me.  And I care about you."

The truth is, I have no desire to be "friends" with her at all.  Our r/s isn't and never has been healthy, she is self-absorbed and unreliable, and beyond that we have virtually no common interests.  I know that something bad must be happening with her and that she needs me as her emotional dumping ground, which is why she is reaching out.  And of course, I know at the root this is all about her fearing losing an attachment object, her being abandoned.  It has nothing to do with me per se.

The problem is that, despite all I know, the guilt weighs heavily on me.  I know she is suffering (in this particular moment), and although I'm not responding, it's a real challenge not to feel the weight of it, the weight of the suffering and the consequent guilt that she has now placed on me. I know that my struggle with the guilt is entirely about ME and not her, just as her need to establish a persistent attachment to me is about HER and not me. But still I feel a struggle not responding.  

Hoping for thoughts from the group.  

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Hello BacknthSaddle,

I think that if you dont want to pursue a friendship with your ex thats entirely justified. She messed up not you with all the BPD craziness she put you through and im sure never acknowledged that it was a problem. Granite yes its not her fault but it is her responsibility to grow and change past the madness.

If shes guilting you like this it just further proves her lack of regard for your feelings further justifying your feeling towards sticking to no contact. Youre right is all about her and the feelings she has as you are just an emotional transference tool to her to channel all her negative.

She sounds like a waif like mine and this is just their manipulation to illicit of guilt and sympathy. Well imo the fair maiden doust protest but needs to learn a lesson. Think about it if youre there for every time she falls and sings her siren song (just like all the other orbiters she has) she will never see anything wrong. This will perpetuate and solidify her need to not change.

I myself want to try to be friends with my ex but atm shes just playing games.(even though she offered the friendship initially and i declined as i explained it was too soon) My point being shes reaches out to me to illicit sympathy just like youres and it has nothing to do with us. In fact i would say to the contrary that this contact just further prolongs our healing. And for what so they can drain us and go on to the next "friend" or "lover" when were deemed not useful. Its not fair to us...

But as i said im still struggling to except the girl i fell for is no longer existent... never truly was. The only reason i try to be LC still with her is because i hope one day when she hits her low shell come to me and i can do whatever needs to be done to get her help. I feel since i got her to admit she has BPD that she does on a real level trust that i have only her well being in mind. Making her more likely to confide in me. Im not doing this to get her back... Im doing this because i genuinely love this girl with my whole heart and just want to see her happy.(although sometimes i think i should take my own advice)

Either way mate its a hard pill to swallow. I wish the decision were an easier one to make. Although it seems to me minus the guilting i think you had it already figured out. Trust your intuition and shut all the rest out. 

[Caredverymuch]

I have not had contact with my uBPDx, with whom I work, for about a month, with the exception of a brief text that I did not respond to.  Today I get the following:

"Can we pls try and work this out

Just give me another chance at being a good friend

Pls"

I did not respond (and I have made clear that I did not want contact). Then:

"Seriously?

I know I've made mistakes.  But you care about me.  And I care about you."

The truth is, I have no desire to be "friends" with her at all.  Our r/s isn't and never has been healthy, she is self-absorbed and unreliable, and beyond that we have virtually no common interests.  I know that something bad must be happening with her and that she needs me as her emotional dumping ground, which is why she is reaching out.  And of course, I know at the root this is all about her fearing losing an attachment object, her being abandoned.  It has nothing to do with me per se.

The problem is that, despite all I know, the guilt weighs heavily on me.  I know she is suffering (in this particular moment), and although I'm not responding, it's a real challenge not to feel the weight of it, the weight of the suffering and the consequent guilt that she has now placed on me. I know that my struggle with the guilt is entirely about ME and not her, just as her need to establish a persistent attachment to me is about HER and not me. But still I feel a struggle not responding. 

Hoping for thoughts from the group. 

Hello friend and nice to see you back posting! 

Im sorry for your dilemma.  This stuff is not easy.

We cant be friends with our disordered ex's.  You acknowledge you don't have the similar basis for friendship with this person in any way. Your r/s, like all of ours here, was a toxic bond. It left collateral damage.

We are working through that damage and NC is the boundary that allows us to do so.

Your logical mind has gaining you a good amount of detachment.  If you take any baiting due to a sense of caregiving guilt,  you are not only jumping, you are diving, head first and deeply back... .into murky water.

You seem to have a very good handle on the reason contact is being re established. 

The r/s with a pBPD is one sided.

Its okay to acknowledge a sense of missing.  I still do that. I miss the person I thought I knew.

But I gave the disorder back.  Bpd always wins.

Stay in the clear waters of radical acceptance Backinthesaddle or you'll be back in the disorder.

[letmeout]

Their manipulation card will always come into play when you least expect it 

[icecream]

It feels aweful not to respond to these messages. Sorry to hear it brings you back to old patterns, i got in there myself so many times over and over again... .

What helped me mostly is asking myself a few questions:

-what is friendship for me? trust, respect, care... .? one-sides with her right

-where is this sudden contact going to lead to? another dig in the dust

-what do i gain from this? the feeling of being good for someone

The most helpful thing to do right now, while not responding is to do something good for yourself or a close friend, family-member, neighbour... .someone who is going to be genuine grateful for that. Not meaning big things just a compliment can make a chance and brings a smile to a face. You're a good person and people a thankful for that.

[ugghh]

I feel for you.  My ex continues to send manipulative text messages of many types.

Of course you feel the weight of not responding.  By and large, those of us nons who are attracted to pwBPD tend to be very caring, introspective people.  That is  how we ended up in those relationship patterns in the first place. 

I hear an interesting analogy to an r/s with a pwBPD.   Spread your hand on the table.  Take a hammer and start hitting your thumb with it.  Then stop.  - When you stop it feels better.  But if you didn't hit it in the first place you wouldn't be in that position.  Continuing to communicate with your ex or open the door to those messages is inching closer to hitting yourself in the thumb with the hammer.

If you want real practical advice - BLOCK HER.  Like many of us here it sounds like you are still on the path to learning to set boundaries as well as recovering yourself.  Continuing to allow her to manipulate you is interfering with your ability to take care of yourself.

[Mutt]

But still I feel a struggle not responding.

It takes time to not get triggered Backnthsaddle. I used to get triggered when I saw the message indicator on my phone. I decided to get an app to block my exes texts and emails. It really helped. I'm in a place right now where text or email indicator icons aren't triggering anymore. Find something that helps ease the triggers until you're further along in your grieving and stronger. My two cents.

[letmeout]

Great analogy,  ugghh!

[freedom33]

I am in the same situation as we speak. No contact for 2 weeks and just received a message asking to meet up and chat.

But still I feel a struggle not responding.

I used to get triggered when I saw the message indicator on my phone. I decided to get an app to block my exes texts and emails. It really helped. I'm in a place right now where text or email indicator icons aren't triggering anymore.

I can resonate with that. Even the sound or vibration of the phone triggers me - in fear that it might be her. I remember the mixed feeling of joy and fear I used to have when I was with her. Joy that she got back to me and fear that it might be her.

[Cocoon]

I can relate! Not responding to the multiple phone messages and drive bys... .

My mantra today is... .inviting the pwBPD back in, invites pain back in. I will not get out of that recycle without being very hurt, and judging myself. My self esteem has been so hammered with this person. Remember those shocking words that no one has ever said to you? The insults, the lies... .

Can you get through today maintaining your NC boundary? I believe in you!

[Take2]

My self esteem has been so hammered with this person. Remember those shocking words that no one has ever said to you? The insults, the lies... .

Boy does that ring a bell... .  the shocking words that no one with a sense of decency at all would EVER say to another human being... .  how does our brain work that WE were able to separate those horrible things said to us and continue in the r/s for any period of time?  when prior to this r/s I am sure most of us would have said "no way would I EVER let someone speak to me that way"... . 

Someone said this the other day on one of the boards that I am reminding myself of - "just because he called you a chair, doesn't mean you're a chair".  Very helpful to keep the insults from seeping in... .

Backnthesaddle... .  you are doing so well and handling it in the right way - standing firm on your boundaries and coming here for support... .  stay strong.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks to all of you. Your advice has been tremendously helpful as always. I feel much better today. No response from me yesterday. I just poured myself into my work, felt good about what I did, and came home in good spirits.   Turning to these boards when I feel the impulse to respond is a great help. And the truth is, despite the fact that I am still triggered, the force of the trigger is weaker now, and I can feel the impulses to respond fading in intensity.

[Caredverymuch]

Thanks to all of you. Your advice has been tremendously helpful as always. I feel much better today. No response from me yesterday. I just poured myself into my work, felt good about what I did, and came home in good spirits.   Turning to these boards when I feel the impulse to respond is a great help. And the truth is, despite the fact that I am still triggered, the force of the trigger is weaker now, and I can feel the impulses to respond fading in intensity.

[letmeout]

Someone said this the other day on one of the boards that I am reminding myself of - "just because he called you a chair, doesn't mean you're a chair".  Very helpful to keep the insults from seeping in... .

My counselor told me to always think of the jabs this way: "he says you have green hair... .but you know that you don't have green hair".  

Immediately after he would say something demeaning to me I would think to myself 'I don't have green hair' and that saved me from a lot of angst!

[BacknthSaddle]

I will say that this whole things is a reminder about how disordered the relationships of pwBPD are and of how tradition categories like "friend" "lover" "colleague" "mentor" etc are really meaningless to them. All relationships are just attachments.

This is a person with whom I had a romantic connection serious enough to discuss having children, etc. Then she left, saying she didn't love me anymore. Ok, time to move on. But now here she is months later, texting me and basically begging me to take her "back" as a "friend," something we've never been I the first place. I've had fallings out with friends before, fights, but never have I had a friend come begging to me to reconsider a friendship. It doesn't strike me as something that fits witha "friend" relationship. But of course, to her I think all these terms are fluid, just stand-ins for "attachment," and all relationships are just potential replays of the childhood abandonment that started her down this road. And that's what it's all about.

[Caredverymuch]

I will say that this whole things is a reminder about how disordered the relationships of pwBPD are and of how tradition categories like "friend" "lover" "colleague" "mentor" etc are really meaningless to them. All relationships are just attachments.

This is a person with whom I had a romantic connection serious enough to discuss having children, etc. Then she left, saying she didn't love me anymore. Ok, time to move on. But now here she is months later, texting me and basically begging me to take her "back" as a "friend," something we've never been I the first place. I've had fallings out with friends before, fights, but never have I had a friend come begging to me to reconsider a friendship. It doesn't strike me as something that fits witha "friend" relationship. But of course, to her I think all these terms are fluid, just stand-ins for "attachment," and all relationships are just potential replays of the childhood abandonment that started her down this road. And that's what it's all about.

Yes that is what its all about.  And, her replacement is off the pedestal now too. How long has it been, a few months? The mirror has gotten too heavy. Time to test past supply source. 

No boundaries.  Only need.

Stay strong.

[walksoftly]

I receive texts and emails asking for financial help even though I pay child support etc. Its her sick way of maintaining contact. It could be just a continuation of her wanting to control me or it could be negative intimacy, either way its abusive. She doesnt want to be ignored and she is on a trajectory for confirmation bias. She asked me to pay for my daughters private school and of course I cant- so now she can say Im not contributing to her education.

[BacknthSaddle]

Confirmation of attachment, satisfaction of need. That's really all it is. Otherwise why not just try and make new "friends?" We've known each other for only two years. A "friend" of that duration is worth begging over? Again, they seem to use the same language we do, but the words mean different things.