War with Self

[KHC_33]

My ex has texted me restlessly yesterday. Telling how love is a choice, and he chooses to be with me. He wants me back. I have my other Facebook but I am still saving the 1000s pictures that I have and even though I have deleted him off of it he is continuing to put my girls picture up on his timeline profile picture which is public.

I feel so low today because am I wrong for not wanting to go back?  Am I the insane one that doesn't want to try? Yet on the other hand I peak into that room... .just little. Do I have feelings for him like love? Absolutely not. Then what is this?

I haven't said a word in over two months, surely he should have known by now that after we broke up there is no chance. None. I have moved on.

The man that I have now treats me the way I desire and want to be treated. Yet a small part of me feels restless. Because I have been so used to fighting to get what I want (not getting it)... .never just having what I needed (not fighting for it).


I know I have nothing to worry about. Yet my mind is going. Thrown into this preverbal cycle of lies again. Million dollar question... .is why? Why ask a question when I already know the answer. Why do I even peak when I know that this is this way of recycling the relationship and throwing me back into the darkness? I try to feel and relive the moments that will forever stink deep in my soul. How horrible it was. I am finally free... .but am I?

[Ironmanrises]

My ex has texted me restlessly yesterday. Telling how love is a choice, and he chooses to be with me. He wants me back. I have my other Facebook but I am still saving the 1000s pictures that I have and even though I have deleted him off of it he is continuing to put my girls picture up on his timeline profile picture which is public.

I feel so low today because am I wrong for not wanting to go back?  Am I the insane one that doesn't want to try? Yet on the other hand I peak into that room... .just little. Do I have feelings for him like love? Absolutely not. Then what is this?

I haven't said a word in over two months, surely he should have known by now that after we broke up there is no chance. None. I have moved on.

The man that I have now treats me the way I desire and want to be treated. Yet a small part of me feels restless. Because I have been so used to fighting to get what I want (not getting it)... .never just having what I needed (not fighting for it).


I know I have nothing to worry about. Yet my mind is going. Thrown into this preverbal cycle of lies again. Million dollar question... .is why? Why ask a question when I already know the answer. Why do I even peak when I know that this is this way of recycling the relationship and throwing me back into the darkness? I try to feel and relive the moments that will forever stink deep in my soul. How horrible it was. I am finally free... .but am I?

In bold.

A logical non... .

Would have come to that conclusion.

A pwBPD... .

Will not.

They cannot... .

Dont know how to... .

Dont want to... .

Come to that conclusion.

The disorder compels them... .

To behave in such a manner.

When my exUBPgf returned to me in round 2... .

Begging and crying... .

For me to take her back... .

I asked her... .

Shortly afterwards... .

"Morena(my nick name for her)... .

What would you have done... .

If i was already with someone else... .?"

Her: "i would have done everything... .

In my power... .

To break you and her apart.

You are MY man."

Is that what you say to someone... .?

I thought to myself... .

Clearly something is really f¥cking wrong here.

KHC... .

You are free... .

As long as you keep your ex... .

On the other side... .

Of your NC wall.

Not easy at all... .

But that is only choice at hand.

I know it sucks.

It hurts.

I know.

Hang in there.

[KHC_33]

I feel the same way. Even the gentleman I am with also says the same. You would know after months there is nothing left. I have made no attempt to contact or communicate with him. I am in fact scared of my ex that he will go to extreme lengths to get me back.

I am just hoping the threats won't come. I have had so much to deal with the last few months. I maybe needing more heart surgery and now possibly meds for life. I cannot handle him at all. For now we will wait until hopefully he gets the hint? Or have to take it up legally. As much as I don't want to do that. I just feel like can't shake him off. As much as I try. How much louder can my silence be? Even my own children do not want to see him again.

It hurts because I am again not being respected. In the course of our entire relationship I was never respected in any aspect. Now again I am finally in a different city, my own place, my own life, have a wonderful man beside me, my children are settled and secure & that small part of my life is still nagging on.

He has no rights to my girls, he is using them as bait that he misses them so badly and wants to be a real father but he has done so much to them. The trust could ever be repaired. Not without years and years of counseling. My girls have pretty much put closure on it. Why reopen wounds? He keeps saying he can be sensitive, and be there whenever I need him to be in any way to make me happy... .THAT is what I wanted... .but I don't want to have to fight for it. That is WHAT I HAVE NOW... I don't have to pull am arm and a leg to receive it. Sad isn't it.

I think sometimes we have to go through pretty crappy relationships to really appreciate the real ones (diamonds) that we get. I know for me that is how I feel. I have had not many. I can count on one hand. For that I am thankful because I have never been one to rush in or switch partner at all in any given time. I have always taken my time, sometimes yes I was pretty blinded but I refuse to me and I know I have been given a wonderful chance to experience what normalcy is in a healthy relationship without all the BPD attached to it.

[Ironmanrises]

You are safe here... .

With us... .

Fellow nons.

Stay behind that wall of NC.

[bpdspell]

KHC,

There is a certain amount of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that enshrouds our decision to remain No Contact but that is your addiction to being treated poorly kicking in. Do your best to resist this old thought pattern. What our ex's have to offer is a mirage.

We do no "owe" our ex's anything and that's including a second, third, fourth, or fifteenth chance. They are mentally ill and need to commit to intensive psychological intervention to be better partners in romantic relationships. Without that commitment on their part their just selling the fairy dust of hope in jar (idealization)

Our internal war comes from our weakened sense of self worth. Many of us on here have had a life long struggle of self-love, self-respect, and treating ourselves with kindness and dignity. We aren't used to caring for ourselves in a healthy way because being treated badly is what we know and what we're familiar with.

The good news is that we can strengthen our emotional muscles and do away with self-neglect. Healing is an inside job and it's worth the journey of keeping our ex's (and other toxic people) in our rearview mirror's as we shine the light of healing on ourselves.

Our ex's do not have what it takes to make ANYONE happy. Out of their own fears of abandonment and loneliness they may miss us but they are unable to remain grounded in their promises due to their unstable sense of self. They have a painful disorder and they need to develop invaluable tools in helping them manage their mental illness. Without their own personal commitment to change we get caught up in their rinse, wash, and repeat whirlwind... .which damages us even further.

You also are battling health issues of the heart so you are entitled to have boundaries. If the threats keep coming... .call 911... .obtain a restraining order... .do what's necessary to keep contact from your ex at minimum.

Do not feel guilty about moving on with your life. It is your life and you have every right to enjoy every inch, nook and cranny of it.

Spell

[MammaMia]

KHC

Your ex tells you what HE has decided.  HE has made the decision that you should be together.  HE may know you are otherwise involved, and HE would love to ruin that for you.  HE has no desire to make anyone happy but himself.  HE has no respect for you.

What matters is what YOU want and need.  You must realize that your ex will destroy your relationship with your new man before he destroys you.  He is using your children as leverage.

Block his calls and texts.  If he harasses or threatens you, call the police.  Remain NC unless you agree to being used and abused... .again. 

Why would you allow him to do that?  YOU need to take control.

[KHC_33]

I agree with all the posts here. NC is def how I want to be. So far it's been quiet. I am enjoying the peace

Yes I do deserve to enjoy every nook, cranny of my life Been a long time coming. I am finally able to rest. Like really rest... .

No guilt.

 Thank you for ALL your support. HUGS xo

[winston72]

An insightful thread.  As I read your posts KHC, I reflect on my own frayed boundaries.  I reflexively respond to someone else's demands or desires by prioritizing them above my own.  The comments in response to your post encourage you, any of us, to live within our own sense of self, our own desires, our own values, our own convictions... .just our own selves!  This is hard for me.  Silly to read, but oh so true in my day to day existence.  You know you are in a wonderful place in life, that this former partner is not good for you and that he is best left in the past... .and yet there is still some pull.  I don't have an answer to what that pull is, but considering it all from this thread helps me to highlight what goes on in me and how I have the answers within me, as you do and as you have described.