but I just don’t understand the push-pull and her utter inability to be accountable for her part. The circular arguments, the double standards and the constant shift of blame.
People with BPD are generally highly sensitive to anything that feels like rejection to them. You may not have any idea what triggered the feelings of rejection. But to pwBPD (people with BPD) feelings=facts. They also generally have trouble comprehending that a feeling can originate within themselves so they will look for an external cause for the feeling. If she feels rejected, then there must be something that caused her to feel that way.
A pwBPD will push away their partner when they feel rejected or abandoned. It's an action fueled by emotion, and when the emotions change the "pull" part of the cycle starts.
As for not seeing her part in it, that may be due to toxic shame. PwBPD usually have a very low self image, and they generally believe in a negative core message that tells them they are "bad" or "unlovable". Owning their part in relationship issues is very hard for them because it triggers shame which is intolerable. It isn't just a shortcoming, or a personality trait, or a character flaw to them, it's an extreme "I'm completely bad/wrong/unlovable" view of themselves.
Here is a discussion on push/pull behavior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0And one on emotional immaturity:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0as my AA sponsor says, “What’s your part in it?” My part is hoping she’ll change, calm down, be consistent, accept my faults and help repair. But it never happens and I keep going back for more. The trauma bond is REAL and it’s awful. I’ve sworn her off and meant it a thousand times, just like I did with the Miller Lite for a decade.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You can hope that she will change, but you only have control over changing your own actions.