I'm afraid and need help with exe's friends threats directed at me

[Beach_Babe]

Ok so mutual friend facebooked me today with another ex update. He told me he just got back into town, and ex unblocked him (ex always blocks him when he is on my side of the country because he visits me,then unblocks when he returns home and I am safely "gone" I was doing great, then this. I actually cried all day and told mutual friend point blank "ex is dead to me. never mention his name again" to which he said ok.

Why the %÷€= would he even tell me this when he kNOWS how badly it affects me?  

So heres the thing. I accept the relationship is over, and no longer hope for contact with my ex. I miss him, sure but disordered or not I have to let go and accept his decision. Here is the problem... .mutual friend appears to be disordered himself and really seems to relish his role as an instigator. By this I mean he has told (and I suspect continues to tell) ex lies things I have supposedly said and done against him (which are not true) to get and keep him upset. He has also on several occasions called ex's phone from a spoofed number (mine) so ex thought I was continuing to harass him. In short we have something even worse here than BPD ... .a sociopath who appears to feed off the drama. Ex cannot see whats going on however that we are both being controlled like puppets (the guy is painted white) and continues to blame and paint me increasingly blacker. So what you say? Well I am unsure what to do here because he is continuing to make an already unstable person (my ex) believe he really is being stalked and harassed by me and I have been NC for 2 weeks. This is a problem because ex has already threatened the police on me... .and if mutual friend continues to instigate crap they really will be at my door. i want to block mutual friend off fb at this point but do not because frankly I am afraid of him. He also knows where I live. I wish I could send one email to ex letting him know I unfriended and disengaged with this person weeks ago, that I am respecting his wishes but its pointless probably because I know he wont believe me. If I block mutual friend he has promised me this will escalate... .


Please help... .I am afraid and dont know what to do... .

[Recooperating]

Hi beach babe,

Im so sorry you have to deal with this! Seems like to me you are put in a drama triangle (karpmann). You being the agressor, your ex the victim and the mutual friend the rescuer. I dont know how dangerous the mutual friend is, if you're afraid and if he had threathned you I would contact the police and ask what them do. If he's not that dangerous I would step out of the triangle. Block him, ignore him, go NC on him too. Bullies are powerless without your reaction. Let them believe what they want, remove yourself from the situation and ask all your friends not to tell you anything about the both of them. If you do not respond it will eventually stop, cause it spoils the fun.

Do take your safety serious, if you really feel threathned, contact your local police!

Be strong Beach Babe! I know how it feels to be harrashed by flying monkeys... . I've been threathned (with my life) and harrashed by my dBPDex bf 's ex-wife and new girlfriend. Its traumatic and really scary. I did not respond ever and it eventually stopped.

Be strong and take your power back, focus on you and leave all the bullying and stupidness behind you. Let them think what they wanna think about you. Who cares if your ex and mutual friend speak and think bad off you! These people belong to your past and you won't take em with you in your future so their opinion doesnt matter! And if you are not stalking your ex, nobody can prove that you are! The police will always ask your side of the story. If you contact them beforehand they know the deal.

Good luck in this nasty situation Beach Babe. Believe in yourself! You are stronger then you think! You survived a BPD rs, you can deal with this a-hole too! 

[Beach_Babe]

But if mutual friend is using an app to spoof my number (and call ex) wont that create a paper trail of my "harassment" on phone records you see the problem? Mutual friend was so angry when ex blocked him (while here visiting me) he threatened to go to ex's house once he got home and slash his car tires. Then later insisted he was kidding. After ex called screaming 2 weeks ago for the final time on speakerphone (so everyone heard him) mutual friend offered to dump him in the desert (as in leave him in the middle of nowhere like at a rest stop or something) for $200. For $300 he said he would leave him and not come back. I laughed thinking he was trying to make light of the situation and realized he was not. He was dead serious. The guy clearly has no conscience. I am afraid. If I go to the police with this tho they will think im crazy.

[Infared]

But if mutual friend is using an app to spoof my number (and call ex) wont that create a paper trail of my "harassment" on phone records you see the problem? Mutual friend was so angry when ex blocked him (while here visiting me) he threatened to go to ex's house once he got home and slash his car tires. Then later insisted he was kidding. After ex called screaming 2 weeks ago for the final time on speakerphone (so everyone heard him) mutual friend offered to dump him in the desert (as in leave him in the middle of nowhere like at a rest stop or something) for $200. For $300 he said he would leave him and not come back. I laughed thinking he was trying to make light of the situation and realized he was not. He was dead serious. The guy clearly has no conscience. I am afraid. If I go to the police with this tho they will think im crazy.

I am going to be frank here.

You are feeding the drama by interacting with these people.  It appears to be a way for you to hold on to the past relationship, perhaps? You are also playing victim. Sorry, but that is what I see. You are trying to control others behavior., too. You cannot.

Simply block, delete and stop all contact with any and all and move on with your life. The drama ends. Period.

The ending of an important relationship is extremely painful... .I was fortunate that I found a good T and she showed me "my part" in the problem. I had an unhealthy role in my unhealthy relationship, too... .and in my case I did not start healing until I did the loving thing for me and committed to absolute NC. Then things started to improve. Slowly.

Good luck!  

[Skip]

I actually cried all day and told mutual friend point blank "ex is dead to me. never mention his name again" to which he said ok.

It's best not to talk to a mutual friends... . it ends up being a triangulation and not many people know how to handle triangulation in a constructive way.

he has told (and I suspect continues to tell) ex lies things I have supposedly said and done against him (which are not true) to get and keep him upset.

You don't know that anything has been said, right?  :)id you tell him things that you don't want to be shared?  Are you feeling vulnerable about that?

Well I am unsure what to do here because he is continuing to make an already unstable person (my ex) believe he really is being stalked and harassed by me and I have been NC for 2 weeks. This is a problem because ex has already threatened the police on me... .

Being so far apart, how can you be stalking him?  Internet?  Are you thinking he would call your local police?

He was dead serious. The guy clearly has no conscience. I am afraid. If I go to the police with this tho they will think im crazy.

Why the %÷€= would he even tell me this when he kNOWS how badly it affects me?  

He's your friend, right?  

You could block him - that will create drama in an of itself which will probably get back to your ex.

Maybe it's just best to tell him you need space while you sort through this... . no details. Just wait until he brings something up or checks in on how you are doing, and respond with this.

All of this keeps you connected.  We all do this to a certain extent.

[Beach_Babe]

Skip: I am hoping this is just hot air, and am actively working to disengage. Working with a therapist on the issues I have and improve myself so I make smarter choices in the future.

[hope2727]

Change your number, get a new email address and use it exclusively, do not contact either of them, get a roommate (witness), change your routines. It will help. I did some of these and it helped a lot. I had a "friend" like that too. Turns out he was lying to both of us. It was very sad. I have had to cut my ex and the "friend" off.

[downwhim]

I agree this guy is not a "friend." It is time to say good bye to him who feeds the problem.  Great you have a T and can work on your own issues to start the healing process.

[Beach_Babe]

. I've been threathned (with my life) and harrashed by my dBPDex bf 's ex-wife and new girlfriend. Its traumatic and really scary. I did not respond ever and it eventually stopped.

Thank you for the kind response. How long did it take for things to settle down? I don't think this one is my ex. The mutual friend when he called last night flat out said he enjoyed the drama and if I cut contact with him (after I explained, similar to what Skip suggested,  that I needed time to heal) he would agitate the situation further "because its fun." (No I am not making this up nor faulting my ex here. Now I can somewhat understand why he feels threatened, if this is true.) In the end I blocked everyone though.

hope: those are great suggestions, thank you. I hope blocking is enough, but will consider those options if things continue. Is your ex still in contact with the mutual friend?

downwhim: Its a shame there are mutual friends (of mutual friend not ex) who will probably also be casualities. I guess that is out of my control though. I do have a therapist and that is helping. Has it helped you? How long have you been going? I agree I have issues for staying with my ex so long. Probably stemming from my upbringing by an NPD parent. I do not think I deserve the brutal discard,  however nor mutual "friend's" extortion.

Thank you everyone for your support and giving me the strength to block so I can truly begin healing.

[DyingLove]

Fear is fear. I'm sorry you're going thru this Beach Babe.  Some people thrive on intimidation and manipulation.  This is what it sounds like to me.  Chances are that you are safe, but it's like the boy that cried wolf... .you've got to take things seriously when it comes to your own safety.  Personally, I think the threats are just that, threats meant to keep you subdued in fear.  I'm not there to protect or offer refuge to you, and I would if I could because there is nothing worse than bullies.

When you take everything out of this situation, you'd probably see most of it disappear if you block and have nothing to do with any of them.  There is a saying... .it's better to loose a finger than the whole arm.  I personally don't think you will lose either.

The intimidating is meant to terrorize you.  I use that word, I know it's strong, but basically that is what bullies and terrorists do.  They prey on your vulnerabilities.  Right now, you are frightened and rightfully so.  We are all here because we are hurting from our relationships... .how can we not notice pain and grief in other aspects of life, such as yours.  Growing up in Brooklyn, I've learned to always watch my back. My son and I are very street savy... .I've seen it all, and it doesn't only happen on TV.  Watch yourself, but don't lead a crippled life.  We're here for you.

[Recooperating]

. I've been threathned (with my life) and harrashed by my dBPDex bf 's ex-wife and new girlfriend. Its traumatic and really scary. I did not respond ever and it eventually stopped.

Thank you for the kind response. How long did it take for things to settle down? I don't think this one is my ex. The mutual friend when he called last night flat out said he enjoyed the drama and if I cut contact with him (after I explained, similar to what Skip suggested,  that I needed time to heal) he would agitate the situation further "because its fun." (No I am not making this up nor faulting my ex here. Now I can somewhat understand why he feels threatened, if this is true.) In the end I blocked everyone though.

Hey Beach Babe,

It stopped when I blocked every one and everything! I changed my number and was very selective with who would get it, same with my email adres. I deactivated my FB page and made a new one under a different name. Only my close friends and family are friends with me on this page. Maybe they are still at it, I just don't see it. I dont check their FB page where I used to be smeared with name and surname. I am almost 8 months post break up and 201 days NC. I am a new person! No more drama, no more threaths, no more BS! I dont know what they are up to and I honestly dont care! There is peace in my life now. To give a specific answer to your question, it stopped when I went NC and no one could reach me anymore.             

I would advice you to do the same Beach Babe. For your own peace of mind!

Hang in there! You will be okay, it just takes time! Wishing you lots of strenght and peace.

[DyingLove]

. I've been threathned (with my life) and harrashed by my dBPDex bf 's ex-wife and new girlfriend. Its traumatic and really scary. I did not respond ever and it eventually stopped.

Thank you for the kind response. How long did it take for things to settle down? I don't think this one is my ex. The mutual friend when he called last night flat out said he enjoyed the drama and if I cut contact with him (after I explained, similar to what Skip suggested,  that I needed time to heal) he would agitate the situation further "because its fun." (No I am not making this up nor faulting my ex here. Now I can somewhat understand why he feels threatened, if this is true.) In the end I blocked everyone though.

Hey Beach Babe,

It stopped when I blocked every one and everything! I changed my number and was very selective with who would get it, same with my email adres. I deactivated my FB page and made a new one under a different name. Only my close friends and family are friends with me on this page. Maybe they are still at it, I just don't see it. I dont check their FB page where I used to be smeared with name and surname. I am almost 8 months post break up and 201 days NC. I am a new person! No more drama, no more threaths, no more BS! I dont know what they are up to and I honestly dont care! There is peace in my life now. To give a specific answer to your question, it stopped when I went NC and no one could reach me anymore.             

I would advice you to do the same Beach Babe. For your own peace of mind!

Hang in there! You will be okay, it just takes time! Wishing you lots of strenght and peace.

Two or more people can tell the same story (or information) and it "reads" different to open ears.  I have to say this recooperating... .the way you put it was VERY understandable and non threatening.  Poor Beach Babe is really suffering from her predicament... .she's in that "mime" glass booth that is so hard to break out of... .I hope she reads your post right away.  :-)

[Beach_Babe]

DyingLove: I do agree the mutual 'friend' is trying to control and manipulate both of us. For being as paranoid as he is, why does ex not see it? Oh well, in the end I suppose they deserve each other.

Recooperating: Wow, kudos to you. 201 days is AWESOME! I Day 15 here, and it is true what you said each day gets better =)