For some ridiculous reason...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She sent me message saying she's going out with the girls tonight and can't wait to pickup with a 'real man'... honestly this girl just wants to destroy me! I'm already a mess, what more does she want?

[Jb101]

She sent me message saying she's going out with the girls tonight and can't wait to pickup with a 'real man'... honestly this girl just wants to destroy me! I'm already a mess, what more does she want?

[trappedinlove]

JB, I'm not sure she cares much about your feelings and if you are destroyed or not, it's most likely much more about her than about you.

Never mind her internal motivation, it's hers, not yours.  Ignore and detach.

It doesn't matter what she wants from you or what you want from her. What matters is what YOU want from YOU.

[Pecator]

So sorry, JB,

it seems so incredibly harsh. It why this disorder is so hurtful. There is shame in what she has done to you. But, shame is as awful as abandonment. I know mine covers her shame by devaluing me. She didn't cheat on me nor rip my life apart at the most crucial point in the most harsh way possible. She had to get away because I am "this," "that," and "the other thing."

After sending her an email about housekeeping issues, she replied telling me it is not fair to the replacement that we are emailing (I asked about a part to a power tool that was left in her garage). She is in love with him and they will be at <what was our favourite place to dance> with or old circle of friends. She said she was telling me that so I will not show up and ruin it for her (this was the night every year we went there.)

She knows I am in financial ruin and have no friends left. Subtex from her: "Your replacement has me, our friends, our traditions and fun, and tomorrow he will have Easter with her extended family). She knows I am more down than ever in life. Good time to kick me even harder.

I so planned to show up tonight an blow her bs out of the water. But I read posts most of the night. I see how she feel a lot of shame (even over all the lies she used to enmesh my replacement). However she covers that shame by telling herself I am awful and she had to treat me so badly to save herself.

I am working very hard to not respond in kind and seek justice. I am seeing her as a confused little child.

But in the meantime, it hurts like hell.

Peace to you my friend

[heartandwhole]

Hi JB101,

I would have felt hurt receiving a text like that, too.  Are you in regular communication with her?

How are you feeling today?

[Waifed]

JB

It is hard to believe that people like that exist in the world.  My ex cheated on me last year on Good Friday.  I didn't find out until a few months later.  At the end of the day they just don't care about anyone but themselves.  Below is something that I picked up somewhere on this site over the past 7 months.  I wish I could give credit to who wrote it but I don't know who it was.  I keep it pinned to the wall beside my desk at work.

"The mistake we make is the assumption that all human beings are emotionally connected, that all human beings value family, respect the roles they strive to live up to, that they live by communal principals and a code of ethics limiting the harm they do to others in the service of the "self"; and the assumption that all people respected one another's freedom to live in a safe society protecting us from one another's selfishness"

[bpdspell]

She sent me message saying she's going out with the girls tonight and can't wait to pickup with a 'real man'... honestly this girl just wants to destroy me! I'm already a mess, what more does she want?

This is your proof that she isn't "happy."

You can either block her or change your number. She's mentally ill. She's trying to make you feel her pain. She's being a jerk and she's emotionally stunted. It's dirt on your shoulder so brush it off. A person who's moved on and happy doesn't need to hurt the ex for fun.

Spell

[Jb101]

Hi JB101,

I would have felt hurt receiving a text like that, too.  Are you in regular communication with her?

How are you feeling today?

I actually blocked her number after a nasty text in the week and stupidly undid it.

I feel like total crap... . and the worst but... . irrationally I miss her and want her back!

It's like there is this little kid mentally, who can be an angel and you just want to look after... . who throws their toys out of the pram in terms of the relationship, and then says it's your fault they aren't happy.

We used to have the best times and the. She painted me black and it wouldn't matter what I did, we could never have fun anymore. We went from a great sex life to utter hell... . and suddenly I'm being told I'm not a real man because we don't have a good sex life. This is after she suddenly doesn't want it and I'm nice and don't push, then get abused for that and it's my fault it feels awkward after because I'm feeling weird about having sex with somebody who abused me... .

But at the same time there's this angel I miss in there and wish I could get back and stop from hurting herself with this destructive cycle... .

[heartandwhole]

But at the same time there's this angel I miss in there and wish I could get back and stop from hurting herself with this destructive cycle... .

It really hurts to experience so much positive and then the opposite.  Please understand that her behavior is both "loving" and "abusive" - they can't be separated out, because they stem from maladaptive coping mechanisms.  That is why the bond feels so strong.  If it were all negative, there would be no hope for the reward of "good times again."   

I know it hurts to let go of hope, but without long term therapy, this kind of behavior is likely to continue indefinitely.   

What do you think the best strategy is for contact in the future, Jb?

[WhoMe51]

We used to have the best times and the. She painted me black and it wouldn't matter what I did, we could never have fun anymore. We went from a great sex life to utter hell... . and suddenly I'm being told I'm not a real man because we don't have a good sex life. This is after she suddenly doesn't want it and I'm nice and don't push, then get abused for that and it's my fault it feels awkward after because I'm feeling weird about having sex with somebody who abused me...

JB,

I heard that same thing toward the end of my relationship with my xdBPDgf.  And I felt just as you did.  Sex for me was one of the hooks that kept me in it and going back.  She would tell me one time "that was the best sex I ever had."  To "you need to read a book or watch a porn to see how to do that."  And I would be doing it the same way as before.  The criticism kept me off guard and I didn't pursue her as much as I did in the beginning.