Yep... my 6 year old really said that about me

[formflier]

We were enjoying some cheese pizza at Sam's club.  D6 was in a talkative mood and struck up a conversation with a nearby lady.  The lady marveled at her and said it was great that I was having a relationship with my daughter.  That many Dads spent some much time at a job the didn't spend much time with their kids.

We walk back up to get a pretzel... .and while in line D6 looks up at me and asks... .

D6 ":)addy... .why... why... .why don't you have a job?"

FF  "Oh... .honey... why do you ask... ?

D6 "Because all you do is sit around the house on your butt all day... ."

FF "Oh my goodness... .Daddy has lots of work to do while you are at school...   Hey... let's get that pretzel now... ."         

My daughter doesn't talk that way... .that is word for word stuff that my wife says to and about me... .from time to time...

Grrrr...

Do I mention it?

FF

[GaGrl]

I don't get why you don't "legitimize" your work so you can get FFwife off this position. 

Give your property management business a name.

Order business cards and stationery  - Formflier, Property Management, Best Friggin' Company Ever

Do you have an office in the house? Put a sign on the door.

Use the name of company on your tax filing/ Schedule C.

Talk about ":)addy's business" like it's a job... .cause it is.

Shine a light on the issue... .":) said this today. Where do you think she got this, and what do we do to correct it?"

So disrespectful! (But you know that.)

[formflier]

It's an LLC... .we have filed business tax returns for years... .

Since I like doing it... .it's not work... .

"It's not that hard... "

"You could do it faster if you wanted to... "

"It's "just" property management... "

In other words... .there is nothing about that she will consider legitimate... .or perhaps tomorrow she would... .and then the next day not.

Another way of looking at it... .anything that has me going... ."is this real work... or is this enough income" gets a response that is like well... .it's close... .another small goal is added.  I make the goal, i point out the goal has been made, likely even have written proof of the goal... .the achievement is dismissed... ."Oh FF was so close... .better luck next time... ."

Anyway... .anything that is so she thinks it's legitimate... .not gonna happen... and she is really not interested in the details.

Today I spent several hours getting some legal notices of service ready and then mailed certified return receipt... .so that we can file an eviction action in early April... .so that by the end of April we can have the property back... .so that the property can be fixed up and listed for sale by the end of May... because summer is the best time for the market... .where the house is located.

Nah... .that's not legitimate work... .especially if I hired a lawyer to do it... they would have charged me $500...

Sigh...

FF was so close... .

FF

[Fian]

Not to mention that FF is disabled... .

[formflier]

Not to mention that FF is disabled... .

Yep... .

She is vaguely aware that my social security disability hearing is in June.  My understanding is that I've got about a 40% chance of being awarded that.  VA disability and SS disability use different standards. 

Anyway... .I guess this sounds weird... .I'm obviously hoping the hearing goes my way and I get awarded SS disability.  I'm sure there will be some kind of weird reaction from my wife. 

Of course... .if it doesn't go my way... .and I'm denied... .then there is the "proof" that I hoodwinked the VA... and all those other doctors... .get my lazy rear into work.

Sigh...

FF

[Notwendy]

Out of the mouth of babes... .


When my H and I were dating, it was understood that we would both continue our careers.  We married, I kept working, but when we had kids, my H refused to help with anything of the tasks at home. Asking him to help would trigger him. He might watch the kids for an hour, then give me the ST for the rest of the evening. I could see the changes in the kids- they were getting moody and anxious. They heard us argue. I found notes in their room blaming it on me.    That was rough. But I guess, since I was the one pushing for a different kind of relationship, and he would get angry, that is how they saw it. They don't see things now the way they did when they were little.

I am all about women and men having careers and an equal position in the workplace, but my situation was not about two people in a strong relationship supporting each other and raising the kids together. It was a stressed mother and an angry father.

We could live on one income, so I became a stay at home mom. I could have some time to myself when they were at school, and be there taking care of things when my H was home and not stress him by asking him to help. It was the best decision for all of us as a whole at the time. I missed my job, but I loved them and was glad to do this with them. But then the comments started, not just from the kids, from my H, from the world.

FF, I consider being a stay at home parent to be a respectable job, but the world doesn't see it as it is invisible. I could clean the kitchen and one meal would undo that. Do the laundry but the next day the clothes are dirty. My H didn't see it and he didn't acknowledge my contribution. I appreciated that he supported us. It is important but it isn't the only thing one contributes to a family.

And the comments from people... ." when is NW going back to work?" Will she go back to work when the kids are older?"

Dear people: I am at work.

Doing your lawyer type work has value too. So add to that: chauffeur - taking the kids around, tutor: help with homework, psychologist: listening to your kids talk about things - like a friend saying something mean to them. Spiritual adviser, tax accountant: doing the taxes. House cleaner and cook to name a few. But there isn't a price tag you can put on the love that is there every day for your kids from their father.

Welcome to my world FF, and I am sorry that your wife and kids say this, but they don't just get it from her, they get it from society. I know you have other sources of income, but I also believe that when you are home you really are working- working to make a home and raise your kids to be good people. That is a worthy job.

You are religious, so I will also mention that, while maybe all humans didn't recognize what I did at home, God does. And to me, that recognition means a lot more. You are doing important work- believe it.

The kids are older now and I have reentered the workplace.  I value both positions - at home parent and work- and any combination of them.

[Sunfl0wer]

That's pretty darn awful to hear man!

I wonder if next time, challenging the kid's perception by forcing kid to hold both in their head and examine slightly deeper the one that is in opposition of mom's... .could help?

For ex:  Why do you suppose that lady thinks us hanging out is nice?  (see if it can get directed to what that lady values, or other important things that match diff values)

Kinda help kid wrap their head around the other perspective that exists.
See if you can draw outta them the other thought process they are being exposed to.
Cause it really irks me that the kid was essentially knocking out the strange lady's reality and replacing it with mom's.  Woulda been nice to allow kid to let the other perspective seep in more.  (vs substituting your own or allowing it to be ended on kid knocking out any reality but mom's in their head)  ( cause the method of the kids thought process of knocking out stuff possibly not in line with mom is more disturbing to me than a kid who is simply echoing mom.)

Like, maybe you cannot undo the "fact" that kid thinks that "dad sits on his bum" but you can maybe get that "fact" to exist along side in the head with the fact that dad is attentive to his kids when with them.

Like, it could be a good approach to help guide the child to observe other folks realities (other than mom's) and validate them being allowed to exist alongside whatever else is in the mind.
Kinda like a DBT ish approach.

[formflier]

I had a good phone consult with P this morning.

For the 6 year old... .I will bring it up in an "oh by the way" type of thing... .to gently introduce another point of view. 

For my wife I'm going to share the incident "As and example of the importance of insulating our kids from conflict." 

"I'm sure you will agree that kids shouldn't be talking to adults that way... ."  "I just wanted to share that with you... ."


I'm not going to personalize it... .or claim I was offended... .

The critical thing is a message of insulating our kids... so they can have a childhood... .

And... .if my wife just wants to listen... no response needed... ."I just wanted to share... "

Also got some good pointers on the college trip thing... .although my wife, by and large, back off that last night as I held firm... .with gentleness, that while her point of view is perhaps changing our on son's maturity... mine hasn't.

FF

[empath]

Another idea: "I do have a job, that's taking care of you!"  

That seems like a disrespectful thing for her to say and something that is outside of her normal vocabulary.


About the SS disability, I have a friend whose husband has been trying to get approved for it for 4 years or so. He was just turned down because of his "pleasant demeanor" - surely he could have a job since he was so nice... .  He had lots of documents from medical professionals and others, but that doesn't always matter.

[formflier]

Yeah... .I'm not very familiar with SS disability.  I've retained an attorney that is and feel I'm getting good guidance.

The office I have been assigned to has about a 40% approval rating... and the judge assigned is in line with the office... .so my attorney has advised me to stick with the judge I have and we'll do our best.

Luckily the VA is HUGE on documenting everything.

Congress passed a law a few years back saying that vets that are at 100% Permanent and Total get "head of the line" at SS.  It doesn't change the standards... but it does move things along... very quickly.

My first denial was this past fall, then my appeal was denied around December, and then my hearing is in June.  Most people are like you friend... .they get strung along for years.  Approval rates for the first application and the appeal are only 15%... for each. 

FF

[Fie]

Another idea: "I do have a job, that's taking care of you!"  

I think that's a very good idea.

Also I have noticed that with humor a lot can be solved / made somewhat lighter.

Some ideas :

- 'Well, yes, sometimes I like sitting on my but here with you because you are my child and I like spending time with you. Some daddies work all day long, but I choose not to'
- 'Yes, some people need to work very hard and they still don't urn a lot of money. Luckily for us, we will never have to worry about that (also reassures your kid I guess and can teach him to be grateful for what he has) and there's some time left for but sitting !'

[Sunfl0wer]

"I'm sure you will agree that kids shouldn't be talking to adults that way... ."

I think I would phrase it as this is not the model of Christ like behavior we want in our household, we should share in respecting all family members, and the adults are the head/model of that.

idk, maybe too blunt, but imo, I would not limit that to phrasing such as "kids" shouldn't talk that way is all.

(idk, again... my concern not so much about the incident itself, rather assisting kid with mindset of hearing opposing views and holding onto both in the mind)