Can't help but defend her, yet cannot forgive her nor myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

She has been through so much since childhood. Been sexually abused for years by five of her uncles. It would happen in the same room as her grandmother who apparently never knew... .  

Being molested when she went back as a 15 year old. Being asked to lie down for sex when she went back as a 18 year old.

Been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by parents forever... .  before I met her. Been treated like a piece of ~ and whore for daring to date someone outside of her faith. Been beaten for being with me (as a 28 year old!). Been called worthless in life... .  shes a dentist! Been called selfish for exposing her uncles. Been called selfish for "wanting to be happy". That is the treatment and so much worse she has received and known all her life from her family and relatives.

Yet she defends them like crazy. Yet she breaks up with me because of their threats of never talking to her if she is with me. Yet she takes their emotional abuse and blackmail and twists logic to defend them. Now she's looking to marry someone else who will be acceptable to daddy.

When she has not been crazy, she has treated me like no human ever has. She has sacrificed so much peace to be with me. She has taken so much abuse to be with you. How can I not defend her?

Yet, I don't know if she came back to me after four years because she needed me, or she loved me. She would always go away and then come back when she had to btch about her family. When angry, she treated me like ~. She equated me with rapists. She pretty much called me a sex addict. I have given so much for her. Yet when angry, she would say I have done nothing for her. She has taken away my self-esteem and made me feel unworthy.

The warning signs were there from the very beginning when she back. Everyone warned me. But I did not listen. I let her treat me like crap... .  repeatedly. I let it repeat in cycles. How can I forgive myself?

How can someone be so angelic 90% of the time... .  yet so evil the other 10%? How can someone who has suffered so much make others suffer? She always complains... .  even on the last day I met her... .  "how do my parents not see?"... .  yet how come she never sees... .  

[elessar]

She has been through so much since childhood. Been sexually abused for years by five of her uncles. It would happen in the same room as her grandmother who apparently never knew... .  

Being molested when she went back as a 15 year old. Being asked to lie down for sex when she went back as a 18 year old.

Been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by parents forever... .  before I met her. Been treated like a piece of ~ and whore for daring to date someone outside of her faith. Been beaten for being with me (as a 28 year old!). Been called worthless in life... .  shes a dentist! Been called selfish for exposing her uncles. Been called selfish for "wanting to be happy". That is the treatment and so much worse she has received and known all her life from her family and relatives.

Yet she defends them like crazy. Yet she breaks up with me because of their threats of never talking to her if she is with me. Yet she takes their emotional abuse and blackmail and twists logic to defend them. Now she's looking to marry someone else who will be acceptable to daddy.

When she has not been crazy, she has treated me like no human ever has. She has sacrificed so much peace to be with me. She has taken so much abuse to be with you. How can I not defend her?

Yet, I don't know if she came back to me after four years because she needed me, or she loved me. She would always go away and then come back when she had to btch about her family. When angry, she treated me like ~. She equated me with rapists. She pretty much called me a sex addict. I have given so much for her. Yet when angry, she would say I have done nothing for her. She has taken away my self-esteem and made me feel unworthy.

The warning signs were there from the very beginning when she back. Everyone warned me. But I did not listen. I let her treat me like crap... .  repeatedly. I let it repeat in cycles. How can I forgive myself?

How can someone be so angelic 90% of the time... .  yet so evil the other 10%? How can someone who has suffered so much make others suffer? She always complains... .  even on the last day I met her... .  "how do my parents not see?"... .  yet how come she never sees... .  

[Tormenta]

Your post is beautiful, I want to find such peace of mind to forgive and understand. 

How are you going with your wondering about her bad behaviour in spite of her sacrificies and good actions for you?

Your post has surprised me because you say beautiful things, and because you mention the eternal question: "why? why? why? why has this happened if we could be so fine together?"

The question kills me.

[elessar]

Thanks... .  

I guess the feelings I have exists because I have known her since we were 16-17 years old. There was no sign of BPD in her till she came back into my life around 2.5 years back. It might have been developing around 21-22 when she broke up with me for the first time.

It is torturous... .  isn't it? We have recycled so many times in past couple of years. She hurts each time. I know her story. She hurts and becomes miserable. Yet her issues cause her to break up.

But over the last couple of days I have been feeling a lot calmer... .  at least for myself. We have come close to getting married a few times in the past 19 months. I am so glad we didn't go through this. It would have been one hell of a journey. I love her, but I cannot be with her till she gets treatment.

Yet I don't even know if she will ever contact me. I don't know if she is with someone else now. In all the break ups before, she never was with anyone else. Now she desperately tried to find someone. It kills me thinking about it. These 6 weeks of silent treatment has been the longest she has been quiet since she went away for 4 years without contact.

I am just in survival mode. Yet I worry for her. I know she is hurting. I know she is suffering. I wish I had known all about BPD earlier. I could have acted differently. But that is the question all of us ask. And it is nearly impossible to know what is going on till its over.

I never knew someone would come back after 4 yrs and just so easily walk away. Usually normal people who get together after long, stay together. Bunch of my friends from high school got back together with their first love in the past couple of years... .  and they are so happy. I thought that will be my story too.

Now she'll be 29 and desperately trying to get married asap... .  and I am just wondering... .  what the hell happened. Would she have been BPD without her ~ing uncles and ~ing family? I hate them. I hate what they have done to this beautiful, intelligent, kind woman.