Anyone feel a lack of connection with others after relationship with a p/wBPD?

[CitizenBell]

I don't feel a connection with anybody anymore. Friends, family, the few dates I've had post-relationship. Part of it is a lack of trust in what people say that I know I have to work on. But mostly it's having had that feeling that somebody 'got me' and of having this intense connection with somebody that everything else now seems a little duller in comparison.

I've been out meeting friends every day this week and when I get home I still just don't feel like I've connected even though it's been fun and I've been laughing all the time. And even those interactions where it is people sharing with me on a deeper level, I still don't feel the connection. Or even attraction anymore, to people I probably would have in the past. Like all the passion and belief in people and love and whatnot evaporated when my ex left, because if that wasn't real then how can the rest be.

I know this is largely my own issues and it's not a pervasive one at the moment where I feel like I should be seeking counselling or anything for it, though it is rather disconcerting.

[VitaminC]

Hi there CitizenBell,

Yes, me too.

I think it's the intensity of the connection we had with our BPDs that we miss. The connection is there with others - our old friends or aquaintances and our new ones, it's just not nearly as intense.

A relationship is different anyway, isn't it? We connect intellectually, emotionally (maybe some call that spiritually), and physically. Some of that zinging in-love feeling is experienced by everyone in the the throes of a new relationship.  Typically it happens fast in relationships with BPDs and so seems to meet our most idealistic romantic needs; often ones we weren't even aware of before, or had just forgotten about or given up on. And then there's all the other drama that accompanies the development of the r/s; the push-pull, the circular arguments, the jealousy, the confusion of cycles of idealization and devaluation. A lot of us experienced stress like never before - a state of high-alert for many weeks or months or longer. (I am sure you know all this, so am stating it for my own benefit - as a reminder)

Coming out of that is like coming off cocaine or some other incredible stimulant that so affects our brain chemistry as to make ourselves barely recognizable to ourselves.

No wonder the world can look a bit blah. Are those friends as witty, as entertaining, as unpredictable, as mysterious, as clued in to me and responsive to my subtlest gestures? Of course not. Do I need that to feel connected in that way? Yup. Is that my problem? Sigh, I guess it is.

Onwards.  Happy Holidays, CitizenBell.

[Curiously1]

I don't feel a connection with anybody anymore. Friends, family, the few dates I've had post-relationship. Part of it is a lack of trust in what people say that I know I have to work on. But mostly it's having had that feeling that somebody 'got me' and of having this intense connection with somebody that everything else now seems a little duller in comparison.

I've been out meeting friends every day this week and when I get home I still just don't feel like I've connected even though it's been fun and I've been laughing all the time. And even those interactions where it is people sharing with me on a deeper level, I still don't feel the connection. Or even attraction anymore, to people I probably would have in the past. Like all the passion and belief in people and love and whatnot evaporated when my ex left, because if that wasn't real then how can the rest be.

I know this is largely my own issues and it's not a pervasive one at the moment where I feel like I should be seeking counselling or anything for it, though it is rather disconcerting.

Do you know what kind of connection you are searching for?
Perhaps try connecting to you first and don't worry too much about how close you feel with others or not.You need to start trusting your own judgement and intuition more. You may feel like you can't trust anyone right now but I can promise you that not everybody will be like your ex. Life won't be so dull forever so I wouldn't think about your future being bleak without real connection too much. That will just bring you down. Have faith that there are good people around, just like you, who genuinely care about others and who you can connect with. You will find them.

[JJacks0]

I feel the same, CitizenBell.

I think you and Vitamin C expressed it perfectly - its like coming off of a drug. No one else gives me that same high. It really is off-putting and makes things look a little bleak. Everything seems a bit duller.

For me, personally, I also find it difficult to connect with people who aren't a little "troubled" themselves now. It's almost like I find them without enough substance (which is rude, and probably inaccurate, I know... .). I tried very casually "dating" someone new for a little while, and her fun, frivolous positivity is just too different from where I'm at mentally right now. At first I really was drawn to her optimism and thought it would be good for me - but now it almost feels superficial. I feel like I'm craving the depth and "realness" that came with my ex, no matter how unhealthy the r/s ultimately was. I think the intensity of my BPD relationship has made it really difficult to just have a calm, fun r/s with anyone now. It just seems meaningless by comparison. Not trying to make your thread about me, but perhaps you can relate.

I'm hoping time will help.

[The Teacher]

Hi. I understand where you are coming from. I am living alone (driven out of my home during the divorce process) so I spend a lot of my time away from work alone. I'm trying to get out and socialize a little - not to meet any possible romantic interest - I have none - but just to walk. Like I joined a hiking meetup and go on hikes rather than go walking or hiking by myself. I'm older (mid-50's) and many of my colleagues are younger with younger families and I just don't really fit into a peer group at work for socializing. I continue to see a therapist once a month and the focus is on regaining a sense of who I am as a person. I was only in a relationship with a BPD woman for five years (married for 4) but oh my lord how she turned every intimate thing I ever shared with her into a weapon against me. I have a hard time believing that I would ever trust a person with my most intimate thoughts again so I have no belief that I will ever again enter into a romantic relationship with someone. I can live with that, as it is so very peaceful to have escaped the verbal and physical abuse of my wife. Having peace is the best gift of leaving a BPD partner. Good luck.

[Curiously1]

I feel the same, CitizenBell.

I think you and Vitamin C expressed it perfectly - its like coming off of a drug. No one else gives me that same high. It really is off-putting and makes things look a little bleak. Everything seems a bit duller.

For me, personally, I also find it difficult to connect with people who aren't a little "troubled" themselves now. It's almost like I find them without enough substance (which is rude, and probably inaccurate, I know... .). I tried very casually "dating" someone new for a little while, and her fun, frivolous positivity is just too different from where I'm at mentally right now. At first I really was drawn to her optimism and thought it would be good for me - but now it almost feels superficial. I feel like I'm craving the depth and "realness" that came with my ex, no matter how unhealthy the r/s ultimately was. I think the intensity of my BPD relationship has made it really difficult to just have a calm, fun r/s with anyone now. It just seems meaningless by comparison. Not trying to make your thread about me, but perhaps you can relate.

I'm hoping time will help.

What looks real to you? I know it's hard to describe.
I would just question what we think is real again.

Sometimes we are just used to too much drama, chaos, pain. We identify with these feelings the most that everything else feels more superficial because we are not used to peace quiet and nothing to do.
About feeling more attracted to people who are troubled. Lots of people on here, including myself seem to want to solve problems beyond us. We have a compulsion for fixing in order to feel more comfortable in ourselves. I watched a YouTube video yesterday about how many of us identify ourselves with doing something. That we feel invisible if we are not. I certainl notice this. Ive operated like this for a long long time. That I am nothing to anyone if i dont serve no one if I am not a problem fixer. So I go out and look for problems so to speak. To be honest being with people who have moreproblems than me or has something I think I can fix makes me feel needed. Because it was the only thing that brought peoples attention to me the most. If I were to be with someone who has only very little problems then I might feel out of balance like I have nothing to do and uncomfortable. But now I realise that's ok. I am just not used to not having more to do and living with less problems.

Melanie Evans also explained it well. If the BPD had no problems, was mostly healed like we hoped them to be, perhaps we would not be attracted to them in the first place surprisingly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T33uefBMRVw
I know the title says narcissists but I think it applies to pwBPD or anyone with cluster B too or people with problems.


[update:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ObeCRoIZbg sorry i think this is the video i meant. you can still watch the first one if you want. This is shorter.


Also https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saZBelhS6DQ  Your reason for being drawn to insecure people might be a lot different from mine, who knows. 

Let me know what you think?

[Curiously1]

.double post delete.

[Keef]

CitizenBell, I hear you.

I don't have any advice right now to give except for: try to hang in there. I know where you're coming from. I feel cut off, exhausted, kind-of-happy after seeing friends but more like kind-of-shadow-happy. A bit of a shell actually. I'm me, but still not the full me. I guess this is one of the consequences of being on the receiving end of abuse in a relationship.

I'm sorry I can't be of any more help right now. Today is just... .plain and empty. I just wanted to know you're not alone in feeling like this. Please try counselling though, if you have the opportunity. I am seeing a therapist and although it will never make me accept my ex's behaviour I hope to put some light on myself and why I kept fighting for the impossible.

[Bushido]

Coming out of that is like coming off cocaine or some other incredible stimulant that so affects our brain chemistry as to make ourselves barely recognizable to ourselves. 

that  actually makes alot of sense!

so after 18 years on cocain . . . 9 months off . . . no wonder the brain is still getting over it.

[vanx]

Yes, I also definitely identify with what you are saying about feeling disconnected. I was just thinking the same thing tonight, and have observed it many times before.
When I can get positive, I believe that a connection is out there. Personally, I did not set out to find drama, because I know I can't handle it (anxiety)--I found a woman who was very sensitive, open, and really funny. She also has a serious mental disorder, which is super, super sad. The intensity didn't seem inherently bad at first, but then, having the intensity subside and turn into a less exciting relationship seemed fine to me, because that special someone who "got you" so well would still be there and still get you, ideally, even after the limerence ends.
The way you feel makes perfect sense. You are grieving a loss. It's a great loss because you felt a great connection. We are social beings and connection is a wonderful thing. I don't imagine you would have tried to sustain the high with this person forever. I guess I mean, isn't it possible to find someone who connects with you so well who is in a healthier place to sustain a relationship? I know I am pretty intense myself, but I don't have BPD, and though the intensity can have repercussions and clearly I am feeling a bit more cautious after the pain of devaluation, I know I have had passion and intensity at least once before with a partner, without out of the ordinary drama, and we remain friends. But when we first started dating, it felt like a whirlwind! No mistrust, or big fights, or hot and cold--just passion. It was great!
In regards to JJacks0's observation, I can relate. It's hard for me to see anyone as not being "troubled" in some way, and I think what makes some people attractive is how aware and honest they are about their complete selves, good and bad. For me, there's a comfort in knowing I too can feel safe showing my full self, at least at some point! Perhaps we can all keep focusing on our needs and find a way to honor them without putting ourselves at further risk of being hurt in the same way. Sometimes I get sad to think that this experience will make me too cautious though, because I know that I deeply value putting myself at risk for the sake of a possible connection. Ouch, just not anytime too soon though!
Maybe the setback can help us get there, but first we have to heal and be ready again inside. It totally makes sense to feel how you feel right now, and it'll take time to work through it. You have acknowledged that you feel disconnected, and feeling what you feel is a huge part of healing. Hang in there!

[ynwa]

I see in this post people helping people while they, themselves are asking for help.  I see you all going through it and it must be tough.  Thank you all for sharing.

I don't want to assume, but I can speak for myself know that I am grieving. Not just for the other person not being here, but for the relationship, and mostly for myself.  Grief as with any emotion is natural.

Perhaps we put so much of ourselves out there, we feel as though those pieces shall not return.  Some of them were taken, forced from us, while we thought we were giving freely.

But healing is a process, just as much as getting in the relationship was. 

[Duped 1]

I definitely feel this way. Like I'll never feel so alive again. I have to remind myself what a mean and cruel person she is and that no one has ever treated me so incredibly poorly. I sincerely believe that she enjoyed hurting me.

[pjstock42]

I definitely feel this way. Like I'll never feel so alive again. I have to remind myself what a mean and cruel person she is and that no one has ever treated me so incredibly poorly. I sincerely believe that she enjoyed hurting me.

I'm right there with you. It's incredibly strange to me that the person who I've cared about more than anyone else on this planet who gave me such amazing emotional fulfillment is the same person who also caused me to experience the deepest psychological pain that I could ever imagine. Part of my brain craves what I had during the "good times" with my BPD ex while at the same time not wanting to ever pursue something like that ever again due to the horrible psychological injuries that I know such a connection can lead to.

[CitizenBell]

Do you know what kind of connection you are searching for?
Perhaps try connecting to you first and don't worry too much about how close you feel with others or not.You need to start trusting your own judgement and intuition more. You may feel like you can't trust anyone right now but I can promise you that not everybody will be like your ex. Life won't be so dull forever so I wouldn't think about your future being bleak without real connection too much. That will just bring you down. Have faith that there are good people around, just like you, who genuinely care about others and who you can connect with. You will find them.

I don't know what sort of connection I'm searching for. I became so co-dependent that I've lost touch with myself as well as my identity got caught up in the relationship. I was doing so much for her that I stopped doing things for myself and when that got taken away from me I had no desire to do anything for myself because I slipped into a depression afterwards.

I always feel like I'm the one wanting to connect with others but that others just don't have the time or whatnot, like I'm trying to force it at times but if I didn't make the first move to meet up with people I doubt they would. I don't have many close connections. With my ex she was texting every day, good morning, good night, etc. So now I miss having someone with that constant interaction. I don't have that with my friends.

I don't know... .even people who have also suffered from some 'issues' I don't connect with anymore. So, while I guess it's good that my fixer impulse has been stopped from my last experience it's as if I don't know how to connect with people on a deeper level in any other way. Romantically it's like I've lost the ability to flirt like I used to with my ex when it felt so natural doing so.

And my first dates always follow the same pattern. I've had 4 in the past 2 years, including my BPD-ex who I slept with on the first date (we were friends beforehand). Out of the other three, one of them was telling me all about how she was given up for adoption, history of trauma, said she had herpes (that put a stop to that) and that if we had kids they might have them. On the first date. The other one also confessed to so much in their personal history too, no boundaries whatsoever. I don't have anything like that in my past but I used to relate to and connect with people who seemed to be looking for something. This relates to some friendships too. I have a colleague and she's told me all sorts of things about her past, being sexually assaulted, tough upbringing, running away from home, the first time we met outside of work.

Now that I don't want to be anyone's "saviour" or "entire world" or "prince" anymore I just don't know how to relate anymore on a normal level by just going out and having fun with someone. All I can do now is the heavy conversations. The light office 'banter' and joking around that I used to do right before meeting my ex is something I just can't do anymore.

[michel71]

I am right there with PJSTOCK and others. I feel so psychologically devastated and wounded to the core. The idea of trying to connect on a romantic level with another woman makes me nearly sick to my stomach and produces an intense fear and aversion. How could I possibly trust anyone else again, least of all MYSELF in choosing one?
Luckily, I have really great close friends. A good support network. I don't think I will be avoiding them but I am really just beginning the hard grieving process. I know there may be times when I might prefer alone time. I am okay with that unless it becomes unbalanced. But I guess I'll know when I know.
I think it is important to be gentle with ourselves at wherever we are in the process.

[Curiously1]

My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry if they are a bit muddled up.

The fact that connection to another person can't be forced, I wouldn't worry why you haven't easily found anyone yet. There isnt anything wrong with not finding the right people you can connect with yet. You've been through a lot. It's no joke how we end up after everything is over with a pwBPD and must focus on healing. Maybe because you are still hurting this is the best way of connecting to others.To people who are going through similar to you because you are still focused on getting over what this relationship has caused you. Others who have never experienced normally cannot relate or understand what people like us go through with these types of relationships. Sometimes this make us feel less connected to them. They don't understand our pain or what it is like to lose yourself.

It's ok to slow down with the dating and just spend time with yourself regardless of how you feel.  There's nothing wrong with you and how you are feeling. There is plenty for you to discover and rediscover about yourself now that there is no drama to distract you from doing so. It's good to know your past relationship has helped with not finding insecure people as attractive as they used to be because they really are just trouble. That is a good start when trying to date others. Im finding myself feeling the same way. You know better because you have experienced how it cannot work like that. How you can't fix someone and why you really thought about doing it. It only leaves you feeling hopeless and a waste of energy entirely. The truth is, you just wanted to be happy, have something last and be loved. That's all.

I don't have many friends I connect with deeply but I don't worry about it anymore. I try to find the little things though that I appreciate about them and then I find myself complaining less about whether or not they can connect to me deeper. I find now that all I care about is being surrounded by happier people who look at life in positive ways whether I can connect to them deeply or not. Just people who make me feel good.

I know that deep connections cannot happen with everybody. I can relate to missing the constant attention or neediness coming from the ex but I don't see that as deep as I used to either. Whats deep for me for example, is someone wanting to really understand me, be accountable when they make mistakes and who I can grow with. Someone who truly appreciates me and cares to become better themselves. To me, someone who truly satisfies me is what having a deep connection is all about... and  that is not what my BPD ex had the capacity to be.

Would you rather be loved for who you really are or only what you can do for people?
I am sure you have done so much for people and that never seemed to be enough.
I am sure you are more than what you can do for people.
For not knowing how to relate to people /dates anymore... .How do you relate to people?
What do you first ask them about?
I find that I can relate to most people if I focus on their feelings. The simple stuff can possibly turn into something deep later down the road. Not like with pwBPD where intimacy was rushed because of lovebombing and no boundaries. Its almost like they appeared to be vulnerable and 'real' but it wasn't true intimacy when you think about it. It was based on impulsiveness, no boundaries and insecurity and needing to attach to someone fast. Anyone. An act of desperation.

Why not just start with asking how people are feeling? what they have been up to? What do they love to do?
and just relate to people by your shared feelings of things. Things that both make you excited, talking about things that make you happy and then suggest what you might both enjoy doing together. Try and be creative. If you dont know what makes you happy yet then take an interest on what makes them happy and see if you like it too.  Most people share similar things that make them happy. I am sure you can find something to relate to others. Focus on creating positive feelings within yourself and with others and see what happens.

I also suggest you try and stay in the present moment as much as you can. Try not to over think things. I find that the mind tends to wander and we are prone to become negative and look for problems that may or may not exist when there isn't much to stimulate our minds. Try to not get stuck on thinking negatively. You need to feed your mind by creating new positive feelings and memories through the doing of new things.
Accept how you feel now but yes keep trying to keep your mind stimulated and focused on things that you know will make you feel better. You'll get there.

[beggarsblanket]

I don't feel a lack of connection. I have many good friends who I've known for years. They keep me going.

What I do I do feel is a lack of intensity. It will take time to shake off the craving for intensity, but I can tell already that it's a weak replacement for what I have with my friends. The intensity was the result of feeling both vulnerable and safe. The feeling of safety was illusory, and in the end I was left only with vulnerability. In just a few months, she penetrated deeply into my psyche. She was always impatient to know all my hurts in life. At the time, there was little that I craved more than closeness, so I obliged her, but as the relationship progressed, I kept more to myself. She seemed to treat the exposure of all my old wounds like a game. She had none of the gravity I expect of someone who has learned from their pain. My friends have entered much more deeply into my psyche, but they have done so over several years, and with them it's just in the course of things. They have no driving need to expose my core.

[mevz]

Hi CitizenBell,

I hear you. Instead of sitting at home, I have been going out constantly, meeting friends, trying new activities… but everything feels bland. Nothing feels exciting anymore. His mere presence brought excitement into the most mundane activities… and his absence makes the most thrilling things feel bland and boring. There is no intensity left.

But that’s because we’ve become so hooked and addicted to the drama, and our constant thrilling/crazy life with them…that “normal” pales in comparison.

I strongly suggest you start seeing a therapist. I know you feel you don’t need to yet, but just talking to someone neutral will do you a world of good. That’s probably the only part of my week I enjoy the most… sitting across from her telling her what I feel and not being judged for a relationship that none of my friends seem to understand. If he treated you so badly, and has moved on, why are you wasting your time glamorizing him? They just can’t understand.

Right now it’s time to work on ourselves. I’m going to start working on my codependency with her tomorrow and I suggest you too try to find out why you were attracted to such a person and try to heal yourself. I hope for your sake and mine, that once we fix ourselves, we will be able to move on and enjoy all that life has to offer us.

[elfyguy]

I too feel a strange disconnect from people, but it's not so much on my side. I think that borderlines have this type of direct connection with your soul/childhood core. They know how to make your very being feel alive and make you the centre of the universe, at least for me. I've met a few people recently who I suspect also have BPD. Whenever I speak to them, they tend to focus on me, as though I am the only person that exists in the universe - it's an odd sensation and one too familiar. It's kinda like being on cocaine.

It's kinda like the ultimate distraction from life. I keep thinking of Shakespears quote, “'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Only time will tell.

[GlennT]

Clinicians studying BPD noticed that they actually do have a higher, interpersonal, sensitive, connection, to others, along with an amazing ability to read people, uncover triggers, and vulnerabilities. They call them "The Psychic BPD''S" They have been developing, honing, and sharpening these skills of attraction since they were young, in order to maintain narcissistic supply, and assuage abandonment fears. So it's not only our personal issues about why we were attracted to them. They Worked us into a dependent, infatuated state. Hence, having an experience similar to finding our "soul-mate." They are masters at observing people and manipulation, and basically reflect everything you love about yourself back to you. Then they drop the act, hurt you, and leave you in a fog of disconnectivness. This is mainly done by them, in a protracted state of unawareness and ignorance. But feelings of unconnectiveness in you is NOT weakness, but it is your inner amoured-plated strength, meant by nature to protect you to grow immensely from this experience on a real road to self-development, stronger, wiser, with true growth. You will become so strong that compared to a BPD Psychopath, most people you become intimate in your future with will be like sweet little kittens of love .