Hello
I'm the mother of two daughters - a 21 year old and a 22 (almost 23) year old. Both my girls are smart, attractive, intelligent young women who I really do believe could achieve anything they put their minds to. My youngest left home at 18, went to live with her father in another town about two hours away and today has a good job, friends, her own car and is saving for her second overseas trip. My eldest left home once when she was still school to live with her boyfriend and his family and again after finishing school to live with another boyfriend and his family. That didn't work out either and so she came back home to me. She has now been at home with me for about 2 years and over that time I have become more and more depressed and have now decided to sell my house as I see it as the only way to get her to move out of home.
She can't (or won't) hold down a job. She won't learn to drive. She won't sit down at the table and eat a family meal. She is completely inconsiderate of my sleep and thinks there's nothing wrong with re-arranging her furniture at 2:00 in the morning. She won't sit and watch a film or TV show with me - even though she says I never do anything with her. I suggest we take a drive to the beach on a hot day and take a swim - Nope. You get the picture. If I try to address any of this with her it's all my fault, I'm not honouring her lifestyle choices (she's vegan), I care more about her sister than her, my generation ruined the housing market and she'll never be able to afford her own home, etc., etc., etc.
I do believe that there is a personality disorder going on here. She was assaulted when she was about 15 and at the time saw a psychologist who now, all these years later, is still the only psychologist she will see. I really don't believe this psychologist his helping her at all. I think she perpetuates a whole victim mentality with her. I've suggested that she and I see a family counsellor together - she won't of course. I work mostly from home and the type of work I do requires concentration - Hah! Forget that. She has the TV blaring and constantly interrupts with questions and comments. She just won't see that if I don't make money I can't pay the mortgage and we will lose the house! She won't shut the bathroom door when she goes to the toilet - but she'll shut the door and the windows when she takes a 30 minute shower.
Recently she was away visiting friends in another state for 2 weeks. After about 3 days I noticed how much happier I felt. I was able to get things done and felt some hope coming back. The day she rang me and said she was coming home (and would I pick her up form the station) I went straight back into despair and hopelessness.
We are bad for each other and her behaviour triggers me into depression. My depressions triggers her behaviour and the spiral just gets worse and worse. I don't want to lose the relationship with my daughter. I love her very much but it is really beginning to overwhelm me and damage the relationship with my other daughter.
I feel like I'm whingeing and feeling sorry for myself - but I am out of ideas and how to cope with this. I'm looking for tools - concrete things to say in response to the emotional blackmail and the abusive reactions if I try to set any boundaries at all. I have just started reading up on personality disorders and hopefully will learn more about them and understand them.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.