I keep forgetting she really does not KNOW me

[todayistheday]

Mom has her own assumptions about me.  No idea what's inside.

We were discussing a teacher who I had in 9th grade who was crazy.  Crazier than my Mom.  I don't know why this teacher was not fired.  In today's world he would have been. I can't describe him too well now, this was in 1976.  He would get upset about something in the classroom and go off in a diatribe.  He had students who seemed to be the object of his wrath who he would ridicule publicly and would nitpick.  I think he was bipolar or something. I was one of the ones he ridiculed in my particular class.  When I tried talking to my Mom about it, she either acted like she didn't believe me.  But truly, what happened there was unbelievable.

Then that year, I missed two weeks of school.  One week sick because I had acute bronchitis.  The other week I was in the mental ward at the local hospital after attempting to run away from home to get away from Mom. 

I don't remember which time it was but probably the bronchitis and before the mental thing. When I got back, though it was an excused absence, he jumped all over me about being out for so long.  He made the statement that anyone who's parents loved them would not let them miss so much school.  When I reported that to my Mom, she went to the school, she was being attacked.  But she didn't believe me, so she wanted to talk to the teacher to find out that he did not say that so she could prove me wrong.  She did indeed find out he was crazy (crazier than her).  He of course denied saying it, but he went into one of his spells and was banging his head against the wall and talking his crazy stuff with her.  She even called the counselor into the office to witness what was going on. She even went to the school board about him.

So a few days ago, I was talking to my Mom about teachers and stuff and the topic of this teacher came up.  She said "yes, he was crazy, but you knew how to push his buttons."   Although I've dealt with most of the stuff about my Mom, statements like that just make me realize how much of a different planet we lived on. I (probaly like many of you) do ANYTHING to avoid conflict and to not make the other person mad.  I do not like being the object of negative attention or ridicule.  I got enough of that from her that I surealy would not have encouraged it.  This teacher would literally bring me to tears in the classroom and I was a 15 year old 9th grader.  He put me on the front row and would come after me.  I did everything I could to stay UNDER his radar.  Everything I could to avoid the conflict.  It just amazes me that Mom now says that I tried to push his buttons.

It is one of so many things that reminds me that she does not know her child at all.  And she's had 52 years to get to know her child.  There have been other statements that she has made about other topics that make me realize that she has no idea who I am. 

Another one is music.  I love music making.  Always wanted to play instruments.  We had a piano, but she wouldn't let me take lessons.  I was taking lessons but she'd yell at me for playing the same thing over and over when I tried to practice.  Then my teacher told her she couldn't teach me if I didn't practice.  So obviously since I didn't practice, I didn't like music. And she never let me take lessons again.  The thing that I did when I had the house to myself?  Play piano.   I was not given the opportunity for band or recorder.  I did want a zither for Christmas one year and got one and used it for a while.  I have no idea what happened to it.  I bought a guitar when I left and went to college and got pretty good at it for a while.  A little15 years ago, I bought a used piano and started taking lessons.  When I got it, she said "I didn't know you liked piano."



(PS - OFF TOPIC I have been taking piano for 12 years.  I since traded that piano in on a Steinway upright and also bought a flute which I always wanted and started taking lessons on that and joined a handbell choir.  3 music classes a week, if bell rehearsal counts as a class, so I'm making up for lost time, even If I am making my own path at 52 what I should have had opportunity to do at 12.)

[Calamity]

From my experience with my sister, this is exactly how BPD people are towards others - they have such "unreal"  perceptions, that who you are to them, is a complete and utter construct from within them, and  has very little to do with who you actually are.

[todayistheday]

From my experience with my sister, this is exactly how BPD people are towards others - they have such "unreal"  perceptions, that who you are to them, is a complete and utter construct from within them, and  has very little to do with who you actually are.

Interesting. I never thought of that, but you are so right.  There are three different versions of "me".

1)  The version that uBPD mom wants me to be

2)  The version that uBPD mom thinks that I am

3)  The real me

Each of the three are VERY VERY different.

[Bella Storm]

Hi todaysistheday.

Huge hug to you   and give yourself a pat on the back. 

I can relate to my uBPD mom not knowing who I am. She had me enmeshed and put in an adult role, so I became an extension of her. In a way, finding out more about this makes me feel like I am having an identity crisis because I don't know who I am.

I think it is so awesome that you are taking music lessons. Handbell choir is so much fun! It is tricky to do, but it such a cool experience. We are never too old to learn new things that we didn't get the opportunity to do as children (painting, dancing, music lessons, etc.).

Thanks for sharing your experience. Sorry to hear about that horrific experience in school. I'm surprised that the teacher wasn't fired. Even back in the 70's that was extreme behavior.

Hugs to you.

~ Bella

[freyja]

[/quote]
Interesting. I never thought of that, but you are so right.  There are three different versions of "me".

1)  The version that uBPD mom wants me to be

2)  The version that uBPD mom thinks that I am

3)  The real me

Each of the three are VERY VERY different.[/quote]
I completely agree with this statement. I act differently around my parents. This last vacation, my husband complained that I always act sad or angry on visits and so my parents blame him (some of this is his perception issue, but some is also from comments from my folks) for my unhappiness. It's so hard because I'm actually pretty happy but when I around my mother I have moments of wanting to scream or just avoid.

My mother doesn't do drugs or drink alcohol. Instead she is SUPER into her religion and uses her religious views to try and control others... . it's a little convoluted, but crazy making. Since my husband and I are not part of this religion, she has decided that I am unhappy and that it's because I need to convert. Then I would be happy, of course. She can't see that my happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with being or not being a part of a specific religion. So, she and my father have in the past put pressure and/or blame on my DH about me no longer being part of their religion. She can't see that her behavior is what is driving those around her to withdraw or maybe act frustrated or sad. It's hard to be happy when she is SCREAMING her head off about some mundane thing on our family vacation.

So, I have these different personas that I take on. I have the persona of the "good daughter" - which is starting to crack as I'm learning to put up boundaries and have just become tired of pretending that things are peachy when they are not. I have my "at work" persona and my "at home'. My at home is the most real and only a few people in my life see this. I have gotten very good and presenting what people want to see from me in all aspects of life and has always had to be a bit of a chameleon to fit in. I feel very few people know the REAL me. This is a coping mechanism that I picked up in order to protect the real me from my mother. And also to try and stem her rages by acting correct. I don't think I'd have so many different personas if I hadn't had a uBPD mother.

So, to get the point and join in the conversation (sorry for the ramble) I also feel my mother doesn't know me. I also don't think she will ever actually know me and it's like you said she has her idea of who I am. I see it even more now with my young daughter. She already has an "IDEA" in her head of what my daughter is like and what she will be when she grows up, etc. I know that every parent does this to an extent, but the difference is I'm also able to understand that my vision of her will most likely be drastically different from who she actually becomes and that is alright. Unfortunately for me, my mother has and idea of who I should be and she is not alright with who I have become and she actually thinks that if she can just get me back into her religion that I would magically be that girl again - who didn't actually exist. 

[Bella Storm]

Hi freya,

My mom is ultra religious too. She is constantly trying to make her children raise her grandchildren with all sorts of church related things. She "shoulds" on everyone and it is actually driving others away from church rather than bringing them closer to it. She doesn't get that religion is about bringing people into a better relationship with their creator- not about judging and condemning others for not "living up" to expectations.

It baffles me that somebody can know all the tenets of a faith, yet not be able to put those tenets into practice.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps me.

Hugs to you.

~Bella

[mlle24]

Interesting. I never thought of that, but you are so right.  There are three different versions of "me".

1)  The version that uBPD mom wants me to be

2)  The version that uBPD mom thinks that I am

3)  The real me

Each of the three are VERY VERY different.

... . I've never read a truer statement than this. My mom wants me to be this quiet, concerned, upbeat, punctual, somehow slave to her every need.  Yet she thinks I'm this monstrous, selfish, nit-picking brat who should have been thrown out with the bathwater and who has ruined her life... . and then there's the real me.

[Breathing new air]

I think the most wonderful part of finding this group was the fact that I found so many that "get it". Totally relate to not being known. Funny thing is I bought into her version of me so hook line and sinker that I did not know me. I am finding that slowly but surely I am finding out who I am.  Mom still clings to the person she wants me to be.  But the thing that is happening for me is that all those aspects of myself are me. I just have to learn to integrate them to create the whole. Find out what I really do like and what I liked because I thought someone wanted me to like or my mother told me I liked it.

A question I have is with all this? Do you find your uBPB mom able to manipulate you into questioning who you think you are now. She is really good at undermining and gaslighting and I struggle not to fall into it and start to buy in. She changes tactics of attack and throws me off balance. Just wondering if I am the only one.

[todayistheday]

A question I have is with all this? Do you find your uBPB mom able to manipulate you into questioning who you think you are now. She is really good at undermining and gaslighting and I struggle not to fall into it and start to buy in. She changes tactics of attack and throws me off balance. Just wondering if I am the only one.

She used to be able to throw me off balance.  Slowly over the years, even before I knew about BPD, I started to figure out she really WAS wrong.  I did think she was wrong all along, but there was this nagging part of me that wasn't sure that I am a no good nobody.  I think that seeing her going after my Dad after I quit playing her game was part of that.  From some statements my Dad has made, he is definitely gaslighted and I wish I could help him, but I can't.

I do still fall into the trap of wanting to impress my Mom with the real me.  I am taking the music lessons that I was denied as a kid and am now an "early advanced" pianist.  When my teacher was playing one piece that I am currently learning, I thought out loud, now if I played that for Mom, maybe she'd finally be impressed.  My teacher makes all of her students do an annual goal and she said that I should add "play xyz piece well enough to impress Mom."  I immediately remembered, no, can't do that, not worth trying, and I said, that my goals must be attainable.  I can learn to play it well, but trying to impress Mom will not be one of my goals.

She's always going to think what she is of me and I cannot do anything about it so I am not going to waste my precious energy doing so.

[DaughterOfCrazy]

Interesting. I never thought of that, but you are so right.  There are three different versions of "me".

1)  The version that uBPD mom wants me to be

2)  The version that uBPD mom thinks that I am

3)  The real me

Each of the three are VERY VERY different.

Historically, there has only been two versions of "me"

1) Crazy Mother Version:  The version that my uBPD mom wants me to be

2) My Version:  Trying to achieve that unrealistic version.

My mother has no idea who I really am.  I really don't either.  Though I have made a firm commitment to finally figure that out. 

Currently, the new version of me wants absolutely nothing to do with her, my crazy uBPD mother.  It took a very, very long time for me to finally feel at ease with my decision.  I have not seen or talked to her in a little over 3 years. 

The good news here is that I am finally out of the FOG.  I feel no guilt nor remorse.  I know, in my heart, that I have done everything humanely possible to try to have a loving relationship with her. 

I have exerted a tremendous amount of time, energy and money in order for us to have a normal and loving mother-daughter bond. 

Today, I humbly accept that it just ain't possible and it is not my fault. 

Hence, why bother? I know, in my heart, that I want absolutely nothing to do with her.  I have found peace in this decision.

This acknowledgment has been a blessing for me.  I am now just working on me, getting to know a little bit more about me each and every day!  Finally!