Thinking of Going No Contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those of you who have gone no contact with a BPD relative, I'm wondering what was the catalyst that made you do so?  I'm currently working on keeping boundaries with my uBPD mother but as the reaction to those boundaries has grown worse (and has started to affect others, including people outside of my immediate family-including sending threatening messages to my mother in law on Facebook) I've been thinking about the option of going no contact more and more and wondering what led others to make that decision.

[Shalaidah]

For those of you who have gone no contact with a BPD relative, I'm wondering what was the catalyst that made you do so?  I'm currently working on keeping boundaries with my uBPD mother but as the reaction to those boundaries has grown worse (and has started to affect others, including people outside of my immediate family-including sending threatening messages to my mother in law on Facebook) I've been thinking about the option of going no contact more and more and wondering what led others to make that decision.

[nomom4me]

Hi Shalaidah

I'm not NC on paper, but my mom has stopped making much of an effort to reach me and I only call her a few times a year.  My situation is like yours, I made boundaries (one of my boundaries is no online contact or letters, the essay portion of my relationship with my mother is over) and like yours, she reacted, dragged people in, dragged my name through the mud... etc.  As a result of her actions, I have snapped out of the FOG, specifically I no longer feel obligated to do anything for her or make appearances on holidays. I have not seen her in over a year and have only spoken with her briefly by phone.  At this point I don't know if making on official NC statement would be helpful, historically boundaries are something my mother tapdances on.

[Up In the Air]

Hi there Shalaidah,

My MIL is uBPD and my husband and I have been NC/VLC with her and my FIL for almost a year now, with the only communication being a few cards. The catalyst that drove us to doing it? Many things. Two of the many reasons we went NC were because she tried to constantly pit my husband and I against each other and tried to get us to separate, she spread rumors about us to their family and even tried to turn my own parents against us. She also refused to follow boundaries. We'd lay them down, one after another, and sometimes she'd do well, most times not so much. In the end, we were just exhausted from the drama and the verbal and emotional abuse.

There's only so much a person can take.

When we ended up moving away, my husband decided he didn't want them in our lives anymore. It wasn't a punishment toward them for the years of abuse, but rather he was just so completely sick of the BS. He needed to pull away and get some space. She wasn't willing to get help, everyone else was enabling her behavior, and he just kind of looked at it and said 'I can't be the only one here trying to make this relationship work.' We don't feel it's fair or reasonable to forfeit our hearts and emotions to the situation to just stay in touch, to just survive the constant crazy. We have the right to live happy, abuse-free lives. So until she decides to take responsibility, change, and get help, we're just not willing to jump back in the ring.

Also as a note: I don't know your entire personal story, but going NC is really difficult. It's great in MANY ways but if you chose to go NC forever or just for a time, I'd suggest seeing a therapist while you go through the motions. There are all sorts of feelings and memories that creep to the surface and I wish my hubby (he does too) would have had a professional to speak to when we initially cut contact.

I truly feel for you and your situation! 

[Pipper99]

Hi Shalaidah,

It's is shocking how our stories are all so similar... I've been NC for over a year, if I see her I say hi, but no appearence at holidays etc. My child still stops in from time to time to say hi, but its miminmal and it works for him and her. I keep on eye on the relationship and well his relationship with her is differnt than mine.

The catalyst like yours was that I set bounderies with my mom, tried to make her see my side over many many years, I found it only got worse with the more bounderies. My breaking point was after receiving a nasty email from her,it was so insulting, demeaning, I just couldn't engage in a relationship with someone that who could be that way to me. She quickly blamed everything thing on me, and I had a lenghly conversation where she continted to play victim... at that moment I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I was done. This pattern of nasty to blame on me had played out many times in my relationship with her. I finally just couldn't do it for one more minute. My spirit gave up.

Going NC for me is the only way. Its not easy to deal with but its the only way I can have a life and not deal with unhealty anxiety all day all night.

You have to do whats best for YOU. this is the part I neglected for years, I made sure she was happy, content, even at my expense... Please take care of yourself, I can't stress this enough. If you don't it will swallow you up.

sending warm thoughts

[cleotokos]

Hi Shalaidah,

Like others on here, I went NC out of desperation and as a last resort. My uBPD mother and I reached a stalemate. I had tried to set boundaries putting space between us, as I was feeling really confused about my situation with my significant other due to all the nasty things about him she was whispering in my ear. I realized I needed some time away from her influence to mull things with him over. She absolutely would not accept that and pulled out every trick in her nasty book - name calling, character assassinations, implying that I was punishing her for my sick enjoyment, those damn circular arguments designed to do nothing more than exhaust you. At last I could clearly see the F, O and G in her emails and the horrible things she was saying. I saw that what she was REALLY concerned about was herself, and how this was inconveniencing her. I put to her that she better own up to what she was doing, stop with the nasty attitude, and accept my boundaries or there would be no relationship. She took this holier than thou tone and said she could not possibly take the blame for things she had not done (she loves to play the honest moral person who just gets dicked around by everyone else). So here we are, NC. It's very sad and not easy for me. It's hurtful - it's more important to her to feel that she's right than anything else, even if it means losing her only daughter.

[freyja]

It's very sad and not easy for me. It's hurtful - it's more important to her to feel that she's right than anything else, even if it means losing her only daughter.

Cleotokos,

This sentence really hit me. My bro in law told me that some years ago he was talking to my mother about counselors and her counselor had asked her "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." She said she had to think about it and then decided she would rather be right. Seems to sum up the BPD.

(note, my mother is still uBPD. She has seen counselors in the past but told me "after awhile the counselors stop working" which I interpreted to mean "called her on her BS". However, I doubt any of her counselors were trained to deal specifically with BPD since she is undiagnosed)

[Bella Storm]

Hi Cleotokos and Freyja,

You both said things that struck a big cord with me, namely that my uBPD mom HAS to be right- no matter what. She would rather be right than have peace. Also, she won't go to counseling because "it just doesn't work". Thanks for sharing your experiences. It is so helpful to know that I am not alone in what I have experienced.

Hugs to both of you.

~ Bella

[Taolady]

Hi, Shelaidah,

I have been NC with my mother for about 2 months now. We have had periods in the past when she "threw me out of the family" for awhile- until she needed something from me- perods of up to a year when she wouldn't speak to me.

When it first started to happen, I was so hurt. I'm her only child and she has no friends. Gradually, I put up a wall so that I wasn't so emotionally involved and it began to hurt less. Actually, I began to feel relieved when we had no contact.

This time it was my idea. I realized she couldn't be logical or mature, I had no control over her rages or her warped views. She started attacking my son. After she stopped talking to me for a while, she told me I could have a "clean slate" if I didn't say nasty things about her and didn't try to get her to talk about our relationship. Instead, I offered her a relationship based on honesty, mutual respect, and working through our problems. SHE REJECTED IT! Who could possibly reject that? My mother, of course. She told me I was sick and needed mental help and reserved the right to never see me again. So, I went with it. I told her I wasn't going to participate in this pathology any more. I told her I considered us officially estranged.

I was initially worried that she would contact me, but as time has gone by, I worry less and feel more prepared to deal with her if she does. I'm sure her sense of glorious "martyr-y" righteousness keeps her anger at just the right level to continue her silence.  The weird thing is that I seem to dream about her a lot- and the first time I did that I woke up crying because I thought that was the only way I was going to see her anymore- in my dreams. It just seemed so sad.

I think of her daily and hope she is okay physically (she's nearly 80), but I have no desire to resume our relationship. Yes, there were a few times that were good in our lives, and sometimes I miss sharing something with her, like a recipe or something that was relatively neutral, but really, I have no way of knowing that she wouldn't get outraged over that or any other seemingly innocent thing. I've worked hard to protect myself and my family from her abuse- I'm not going to go back now. So, if the next time I hear of her is an obituary announcement, well, that's just how it might be. I know it's only been a couple of months, but I am secure in my decision. It probably is easier for me because we have such a small family and no one to argue for her side.  That quotation I saw on this site really resonated with me: Recovery is letting go of something you never really had anyway.

Good luck, take it slowly, come back here for support, no matter what you decide.

[mizdanielle72]

My therapist advised me to go NC because my relationship with my BPD mom was so harmful to my mental health. I did what she asked and it has been about a month now. My mom has now de-friended me on facebook, which is such a welcome relief.

I have pangs of guilt and worry about her. I played the role of her therapist for years and I am not sure how she is doing... . But she played the suicide threat to me last month and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I am new to understanding this disorder as well, so I understand how it can feel strange and overwhelming. But I do know that every hour I go with NC ... . I feel so much better, stronger and healthier.

[solacruz]

I find that no matter how diligent I am at no contact edict, how well built my boundaries are, my BP mom/sis will find anyway possible to infiltrate. Their lives are so chaos driven, some drama will come about to entice me into join in their misery. I have learned that it is how I react that matters. They will NEVER stop the cyclical drama their lives are entrenched in. Period. It is up to me, and only me to find a way to not react and keep as much physical and emotional distance. You see, these people live and breathe chaos and drama, so much so that they attract the kind of life that is chuck full of nerve fraying, end of the world, nervous break down crap. They will attract car accidents, fights, dramas, self induced chaos, break ups, sickness, mental breakdowns, hospitalizations. The Law of attraction for them is a dark side of the moon chaos trip that does not stop. It only goes in remission, until the next fix is needed. Their desperation at wanting to get you back in, suck you back into their vortex of hell creates within their lives another crisis for which they will need you, me anyone back in. I can feel the fury of the next great break down my sis will create in her life, I bet on it. It will be so great this time, that I might fall for it. I have turned a corner this time. My desire for joy and peace is to strong. I am not a victim, I will  not be a battered survivor barley clinging for life. I refuse to give away any more of my power. I have used my highly tuned skills I learned living in a highly dysfunctional household for the better. SOmehow, it will serve me. Lemons into lemonade. My point is, it is up to YOU, us, the Nons to change the way we react. Sometimes no contact is the only way. It is this time when I realized how entrenched I was in the whole BP world. How I needed to learn what healthy was, to excavate my life. Unplug. They simply can't handle rejection, and I simply can't handle them. Period. I know she will fall apart, again. I know she will need Me, again. I am different now. I can say no. No way. Hell no. But nicely. Black and white. Life is to precious, sweet, beautiful, heartbreaking, miraculous to waste one second playing along.

[TD131]

It's a challenge for me to perceive some kind of a "silver lining" in having grown up with a mother with BPD. However, it is comforting to read the responses from other people who do not have BPD but who have experienced close relationships with those who do. I have finally hit my limit... .a bit late as I am 29. But I've tried, tried, and tried again. It's ridiculous how easily I forgive. But I have experienced far too much in the last year to allow this poison to continue. My mother drags me down and drowns me and then points the finger at me. I'm done. I need NC for my health and the health of my children. I feel so much more stable and secure when I do not have the wrath of my mom to fear or battle. Setting boundaries doesn't work for me because they are quickly dismantled and deconstructed. She stops at nothing until I break down and fight. I can't do it. She's scary and abusive and the thought of a mother intentionally hurting her child is so disgusting it makes my blood boil. And that's it. I'm exhausted with burning blood. I am an adult and I need to stay away from the person that brings me down and proliferates inaccurate, damaging information about me. She's a sick woman and I cannot be called the crazy one anymore for reacting to someone so cruel.

[aubin]

I've been NC with my uBPD mother for two months. My therapist had been suggesting LC for months but I was reluctant as I was pregnant with my first child and didn't want to be seen as bringing drama into the family by preventing my mother from seeing my son. Ha! It seems ridiculous now that I was worried about causing drama. My mother's absolute refusal to support me during my pregnancy and just after my son's birth led me to consider LC. I went to NC after she cancelled my baby shower because she decided "it wasn't worth it" - her exact words. Since going NC, she's called me each week, leaving a short pleasant message on my voicemail. It's the nicest she's been to me in a long time. Of course, it's just a ploy to get me back to feeding her emotional abyss again.