Divorcing N/BPDx = Divorcing my dad?

[livednlearned]

In the process of divorcing N/BPDx, through lots and lots of therapy, I finally realized BPD runs in my family. That was a pretty big deal, to understand that piece of the puzzle. The worst of my childhood was mostly my BPD brother. The abuse was incessant. I remember being a teenager, feeling that deep, deep weariness you feel when every day is abusive.

When I was 19, I did this workshop run out of some big house -- sort of a human potential movement workshop, kind of like E.S.T. --  and realized I didn't want to spend the holidays with my family because I would get beaten up by my older brother, who still lived at home. So I told my parents I wasn't coming home for the holidays. Except for the fact that the guy running the workshop was trying to seduce me, I'm really proud of the fact I asserted that boundary. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough support around me and lost the momentum from that incident. And I was in between a rock and a hard place. Creepy workshop guy, or abusive home life.

The problem is this. My dad was so confusing, and I'm still confused by him. After I said I wasn't coming home, he read a book called "Radical Departures" because he thought I had joined some kind of cult, and didn't understand why I was suddenly breaking with the family. He recommended that we go to therapy (!). It was the only time anything like that has ever happened. My mom, my dad, and me all went They never told my brother about all this, even though the reason I was trying to break with the family was because of him.

In therapy, the T asked my mom and dad why they didn't stop the abuse. My mom said she didn't know I was having a hard time, I was such a perfect daughter, she didn't know there was abuse, etc. My dad said of course she did, just like he did. But here's the weird thing. I allied with my dad against my mom for 20 years because of that. I spent 20 years being angry at my mom for not recognizing the abuse. I didn't realize until I was in therapy in my 40s that my dad admitted he knew about the abuse, but didn't do anything to stop it.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I'm trying to understand my role in my family. When I divorced N/BPDx, I realized that I allowed the abuse to go on because I was trained in that special talent. Trained by my dad. My BPD brother was an extremely difficult kid, and we all knew he had this insane temper, plus he was suicidal. As I got older, I tried to assert boundaries with him. Whenever I did that, my dad would come down on me hard. "Why in god's name did you xyz to him? You KNOW what he's like." Etc. And then I would get the silent treatment. So I learned to appease @ssh0les and got pretty good at it. I even learned to apologize for things I didn't do.

Last summer, N/BPDx had a psychotic episode and I thought he was going to kill himself and my son. N/BPDx was sending insane messages to my dad, and I wanted to make sure my dad did not respond to any of those emails. So we talked on the phone. I was crying -- have never felt so afraid in my life. And my dad dealt with the crisis by saying, "I gotta go. Your brother is here to help with the computer." He also told me not to tell my mom what was happening because it would upset her. 

Now, more than a year later, my dad and I haven't talked. No email. No phone call. Nothing.

His mother was BPD (hermit, waif). And he was the all-good child. I think I'm supposed to be the all-good child now. But I married N/BPDx and that stirred up all this stuff that no one wants stirred up. I don't know what this is -- low-level splitting? I don't know if my dad is cluster B axis II. I think he just grew up with it, and is emotionally stunted. Plus, he's an alcoholic.

Today I wondered if, by divorcing N/BPDx, I kinda divorced my dad too. If that makes sense? Like maybe I'm putting all this stuff on my dad that is really about N/BPDx.

I dunno. So confused.

I can't tell if I'm asserting a boundary (not being the appeaser anymore). Or not. There was no big fight at the end. No verbal abuse. No conversation. Just... .nothing. Silence. Suddenly, no one was talking, which is easy because we live 3000 miles away.

All I have now is my codependent mom and my 12 year old son.

:'(

[Clearmind]

Contradictions are rife Lived in any household where there are PD’s or dysfunction. It’s these contradictions that were confusing for me. My parents did not set a good example of how to set healthy boundaries and I was not protected as a child. We all know the impact that has on our partner choice and our relationship skills in general.

So, what I had to really understand and process was that I was still operating like I was as a child however I was an adult. Meaning I had no boundaries, just like when I was a child, I felt angered because I could not protect myself, parents are meant to protect a child….we need to get to the stage where we get we are adults with adult privledges... we set whatever boundary we like, we can relinquish all those contradictions we were taught and replace them with our own beliefs (rather than live by our faulty beliefs)…

Trust that Big Lived can now protect Little Lived and assert herself. There are payoffs for being nice – people like assertive people – its us who criticise ourselves for it.

And my friend – no more hiding secrets and protecting anyone but you.

This is not about Dad - this may be more about you healing from past hurt, past injustuce, past contradictions and finding your own healthy path/beliefs/moral code - not theirs. Toss theirs out - what are your beliefs.

[livednlearned]

This is not about Dad - this may be more about you healing from past hurt, past injustuce, past contradictions and finding your own healthy path/beliefs/moral code - not theirs. Toss theirs out - what are your beliefs.

It's amazing reading someone else describe the stuff i feel, and what I experienced. So thank you. One of the best things to happen post-N/BPDx is becoming a grown-up.

When you say this isn't about my dad -- do you mean this silence? Meaning, it's my time to heal and find my own way? Like, figure out how I treat people, and let them treat me?

[gloveman]

     WhenI was growing ther were no boundaries either. There was like nothing? If that makes sense.

     Both my parents and my younger brother had BPD. My dad had a sever case.

     No positive words were ever spoken by him.

     Sounds like your mom is looking for love in all the wrong places.

     You are way ahead of me. I didn't figure all this stuff out until I was 63 andI survived.

      Maybe I should say I survived and thrived. You can too.

[Clearmind]

Yes meaning your time to heal your way and using this time to really find yourself.

Its a shame you have little contact with your dad lived. Sometimes when we begin to heal we place less credence on the past and look more to the future - we develop good personal coping skills, learn boundaries so if contact is made we are prepared and ready to protect ourselves.

Have you considered reaching out to him?

[livednlearned]

Yes meaning your time to heal your way and using this time to really find yourself.

Its a shame you have little contact with your dad lived. Sometimes when we begin to heal we place less credence on the past and look more to the future - we develop good personal coping skills, learn boundaries so if contact is made we are prepared and ready to protect ourselves.

Have you considered reaching out to him?

I think about it all the time.       Maybe there are stages to the silence? At first, I felt very good about my new boundary because I wasn't trying to rescue or fix or appease anymore. That was so powerful. It really changed the dynamic, and I felt... .free. But my mom absorbed the fall-out -- again, I didn't try to fix her or rescue her, and that was another new boundary. The good thing is that it got us to talk about the dynamic in our family, and it brought me much closer to her. I feel so lucky for that, but she is extremely codependent, and super enmeshed.

Now I seem to be in a different stage of the silence. Deep sadness? Maybe I was hoping my dad would initiate something, and so it's a slow,deep, painful silence, feeling abandoned or rejected, instead of me setting a boundary.

[Clearmind]

I can understand that Lived! It's likely he's protecting himself.

If you do decide to reach out I can recommend firstly writing down 3 hot topics you would like go discuss. Anymore and the conversation becomes confusing and circular. Start your talk listing the 3 things and set boundaries if he sways in other directions. This is about you saying your peace.

Mum cannot be involved. If you feel comfortable you can send an email to him asking if he is open to talk! That's it - no more info! Ball needs to be in your court.

[livednlearned]

I can understand that Lived! It's likely he's protecting himself.

If you do decide to reach out I can recommend firstly writing down 3 hot topics you would like go discuss. Anymore and the conversation becomes confusing and circular. Start your talk listing the 3 things and set boundaries if he sways in other directions. This is about you saying your peace.

Mum cannot be involved. If you feel comfortable you can send an email to him asking if he is open to talk! That's it - no more info! Ball needs to be in your court.

My T suggested writing him a letter. I've been writing one for two years   but can't seem to send it. T believes in what she calls "confrontational" letters (not to incite conflict, but to be direct, a sort of technique she developed). But it makes me feel like I could pass out just thinking about sending the letter. I worked really hard on the "intention" part of the letter. I got really clear about what I felt. And I felt sad, so it's not an accusing letter. Just a letter that says stuff like, "When I got married, I felt so awkward about having you give me away, so I didn't have a wedding." That kind of thing. So the letter might hurt him, but that's not my intention, if that makes sense.

Maybe I'm not quite ready for this work.

[Clearmind]

I had a chat to my father about our stuff. One of my 3 points was that I didn't feel protected and provided 2 examples to illustrate - example 1 (as a child) and example 2 (as an adult).

As time goes on I realize that some of my emotions are mine I needed to process - not to do with my father. I had a tendency back then to take things super personal and was hurting a lot. Now I hurt less and have processed my childhood - I no longer need my father to make it OK for me.

Given there is silence right now Lived - its up to you whether you send an email or talk in person. I would be mindful of using "I" statements and using SET format where you can.

[livednlearned]

As time goes on I realize that some of my emotions are mine I needed to process - not to do with my father. I had a tendency back then to take things super personal and was hurting a lot. Now I hurt less and have processed my childhood - I no longer need my father to make it OK for me.

I think that's part of why I don't reach out. I've grown so much in the past 3 years -- if I had reached out to him 2 years ago, it would've been a disaster. Each year, I feel stronger and healthier, processing my feelings. I am ok feeling the hurt and pain, and knowing that those are my feelings. But I must also be stuck somehow, if I can't send the letter?

[Free One]

Today I wondered if, by divorcing N/BPDx, I kinda divorced my dad too. If that makes sense? Like maybe I'm putting all this stuff on my dad that is really about N/BPDx.

I have kind of experienced this as well (except I don't think my dad is BPD). My dad left when I was a kid. There wasn't abuse, just abandonment and I was left with a feeling of not being loved or important enough. As a teen and adult, my dad comes to town for visits with me and my sister with only a week or few days notice. It has always irritated me that there never seems to be much regard for any plans I may have already had (I tend to stay busy). I sought emotional support from my dad during the divorce, and he provided some as well as some financial support, but I was left feeling disappointed again that he didn't really seem to want to know WHAT was going on with me. He really knows little about me and my life.

Since my divorce, I do feel like I have divorced my dad in a sense. If he's coming to town and I'm free, I'll meet for dinner, but I have let myself let go of feeling obligated. I have realized the father/daughter relationship thing is not going to happen for us. I have also realized that I DO HAVE a father/daughter relationship with my step dad. He's been in my life longer now than my dad, and he is the one there for me on a daily basis. Through this whole process of learning how to detach, I have been able to let go of past guilt I may have felt about loving my step dad more than my biological dad.

[livednlearned]

Since my divorce, I do feel like I have divorced my dad in a sense. If he's coming to town and I'm free, I'll meet for dinner, but I have let myself let go of feeling obligated. I have realized the father/daughter relationship thing is not going to happen for us. I have also realized that I DO HAVE a father/daughter relationship with my step dad. He's been in my life longer now than my dad, and he is the one there for me on a daily basis. Through this whole process of learning how to detach, I have been able to let go of past guilt I may have felt about loving my step dad more than my biological dad.

Free One, do you have a desire to tell your bio dad about how you feel? Or do you feel detached enough to not need that?

Maybe I'm also wondering what detachment means for you, and if healing from your ex is why you feel less need for a father/daughter r/s with your dad?

[Clearmind]

As I healed and grew I found it easier to talk to my father - I had the skills to say what I felt and the skills to not take on projections! I needed to face him when I was stronger.

Stuck? Maybe not it Lived - its possible you are protecting yourself from further hurt - completely natural. These vulnerable feelings are important to feel rather than avoid.

NC is a tool used when things are super raw!

[Free One]

Since my divorce, I do feel like I have divorced my dad in a sense. If he's coming to town and I'm free, I'll meet for dinner, but I have let myself let go of feeling obligated. I have realized the father/daughter relationship thing is not going to happen for us. I have also realized that I DO HAVE a father/daughter relationship with my step dad. He's been in my life longer now than my dad, and he is the one there for me on a daily basis. Through this whole process of learning how to detach, I have been able to let go of past guilt I may have felt about loving my step dad more than my biological dad.

Free One, do you have a desire to tell your bio dad about how you feel? Or do you feel detached enough to not need that?

Maybe I'm also wondering what detachment means for you, and if healing from your ex is why you feel less need for a father/daughter r/s with your dad?

I don't feel the need to address it with my dad. I do feel detached enough to let it be and see that it isn't really so much about me. I can see that he couldn't give me what I needed and may still not be able to.

I think more than anything my own divorce and healing from my ex has taught me to deal with codependency and about detachment. This has helped me to let go of the OBLIGATION I felt to have a r/s with my dad.

[Clearmind]

Good point Free One! I did get to a stage of acceptance where I no longer needed to talk to my Dad. We did have contact though.

Is the silence between you instigated by you or him?

[Free One]

Good point Free One! I did get to a stage of acceptance where I no longer needed to talk to my Dad. We did have contact though.

Is the silence between you instigated by you or him?

There isn't silence per say - just birthday cards, Christmas calls and a couple visits a year. It is really no different then I was a kid, so in that respect, it was instigated by him when he left and didn't do much to maintain a relationship. I just no longer try to make it more than it is.

[livednlearned]

Good point Free One! I did get to a stage of acceptance where I no longer needed to talk to my Dad. We did have contact though.

Is the silence between you instigated by you or him?

There isn't silence per say - just birthday cards, Christmas calls and a couple visits a year. It is really no different then I was a kid, so in that respect, it was instigated by him when he left and didn't do much to maintain a relationship. I just no longer try to make it more than it is.

I think that's what I'm trying to figure out -- whether I really want to make an effort. I sometimes think I'm at peace, and then I think about him visiting with my mom, and then all these feelings come up. Maybe that never goes away, you just acknowledge those feelings (yearning) and let them pass?