my fathers funeral..

[Depression = 72% of members]

So we finally got to my fathers funeral.. My narcissists controlling sister after 4 years of doing her best to abuse me over every wrong thing I did., gaining total control over their lives including financial gain.and after finally making conditions that in effect alienated me from Dad decided that she would include me in decision making even though she ignored any input and that was fine...It was going to be her circus about the brilliant daughter she was who sacrificed for her father and because she constructed it that way.
I spent weeks writing a memory speech for the funeral and whilst I talked about our good times I didn't want to be a total hypocrite and above him of responsibility for his part in my sisters chaos.

So I wrote a very honest ending about how Dad and I made plans that never happened, what we had in common and how his story ended...that is away from all of us was not how I thought our lives would end.. one could accuse me of throwing barbs at my sister but the reality was it was my truth and reality and any glossing over and gaslighting would have been undignified and perpetrated the families idea of lying in the face of reality.
My son didn't go because it meant he would be part of my sisters circus so he stayed at home and watched online with his sister who lives over seas.

The narcissist loves drama and hates reality..so as far as I am concerned how she managed wasn't my problem when I saw so much that wasn't in keeping with dad.
I ensured that she never came near me and had a plan of what to do if she did and it all went Ok...

[yamada]

So we finally got to my fathers funeral.. My narcissists controlling sister after 4 years of doing her best to abuse me over every wrong thing I did., gaining total control over their lives including financial gain.and after finally making conditions that in effect alienated me from Dad decided that she would include me in decision making even though she ignored any input and that was fine...It was going to be her circus about the brilliant daughter she was who sacrificed for her father and because she constructed it that way.
I spent weeks writing a memory speech for the funeral and whilst I talked about our good times I didn't want to be a total hypocrite and above him of responsibility for his part in my sisters chaos.

So I wrote a very honest ending about how Dad and I made plans that never happened, what we had in common and how his story ended...that is away from all of us was not how I thought our lives would end.. one could accuse me of throwing barbs at my sister but the reality was it was my truth and reality and any glossing over and gaslighting would have been undignified and perpetrated the families idea of lying in the face of reality.
My son didn't go because it meant he would be part of my sisters circus so he stayed at home and watched online with his sister who lives over seas.

The narcissist loves drama and hates reality..so as far as I am concerned how she managed wasn't my problem when I saw so much that wasn't in keeping with dad.
I ensured that she never came near me and had a plan of what to do if she did and it all went Ok...

[Goldcrest]

I really feel for you @yamada I really do. Our truth is so important to us. I have my dad's funeral next week and I am so absent from all of the arrangements because no one asked me what I felt/wanted/thought. I also knew that if I did get involved it would cause me more stress via distortion and scapegoating than I can take at the moment. I simply feel absent from his life and his love. My brother is doing the eulogy, a brother (we have been NC for 14 years) who hadn't seen my dad for many years, where as I had contact with him weekly. I could write out all the chaos and shapeshifting of my own family here but you know where I am coming from.

You held your truth, well done. Look after yourself. The funeral is done, you survived a hugely stressful event. Hopefully you can take the space now to grieve for the father YOU knew.

[zachira]

Good for you in saying in your memory speech what meant the most to you about your relationship with your dad, and for supporting your son in not wanting to attend.
My sister with NPD wanted me to attend my mother's funeral so she would not look bad. I choose not to speak because so many people there had bought into my mother's false persona some of whom are actually genuinely nice people.

[yamada]

One of the things that these toxic families demand the relinquishment of any dignity or self-respect in order to perpetuate the myth of their own stories rather than the reality for those who are their scapegoats.. So I refused to do that. I remembered the father I loved and acknowledged the man who failed me because in many ways he was a victim of my mother and sister. However, he had choices and they played him to the nth degree. I have brought some of his ashes home and I now believe he is where she should be..

[HappyChappy]

One of the things that these toxic families demand the relinquishment of any dignity or self-respect in order to perpetuate the myth of their own stories rather than the reality for those who are their scapegoats.. So I refused to do that. I remembered the father I loved and acknowledged the man who failed me because in many ways he was a victim of my mother and sister. However, he had choices and they played him to the nth degree. I have brought some of his ashes home and I now believe he is where she should be..

So sorry for your loss yamada. I'm impressed you've figured out your sister's games, which means you can now avoid being involved and keep your dignity. Good for you. My father died 2 years ago and I was also briefly angry he didn't protect us at times against the NPD & BPD family members, but sometimes we do have to save ourselves. He was doing what we tell each other on here to do - save yourself before you can save others. The PD family dynamic is a no win for everyone involved. I'm glad you've figured it all out and can now step out of that dynamic. Peace be with you, be good to yourself. 

[yamada]

thanks. I have been here for 20 years now and I am just getting it.. once the denial cracked there was no going back

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother had made it seem as if I was disowned and a disappointment to my father. I did not speak at the funeral, nor was I invited to speak and I was excluded from the plans.

However, my children had a good relationship with him. I sent an email to the officiant about his positive influence in their lives and how much he meant to them. This was included in the officiant's eulogy.

I almost didn't attend the funeral, but my children wanted to attend. It wasn't that I didn't want to attend because of him, I just felt that once he was gone, I didn't have a place in the family. For the most part,  I had a positive relationship with my father. I understand his role as an enabler to my mother. However, I do attribute the good in my childhood to him. It surely was a challenge to be both provider and do the job of two parents- and he did it as well as he could in his situation.

Although BPD mother seemed successful in triangulating our relationship in his later years, this is not the sum of our relationship.

[yamada]

I found I could separate the man I loved and the man who was a profound disappointment...and its been very helpful. I almost didn't go to the funeral , but I felt it was a box I had to tick. I did have to acknowledge the man I loved and the man who failed

[zachira]

Healthy relationships are about seeing the whole person, not making people either all bad or all good. You loved your dad for who he was though were very hurt by how he enabled your mother.

[yamada]

and he slept in the bed my uncle raped me in despite me asking for years to get rid of it.  I dotn know if he was in such denial or couldn't comprehend the reality or if he did get rid of the bed he would cop it fro,m my sister and mother

[Notwendy]

Ugh that's horrible.

My best guess is fear. Although thankfully this kind of thing didn't happen to me, I also struggled with the fact that-everything that was good about my childhood was due to my father, and yet, he allowed my mother to be verbally, and emotionally abusive to his children.

It was also hard to understand how he allowed her to control his relationship with me.

I think this is the nature of these kinds of relationships. No person is entirely good or entirely bad. While our parents are responsible for their behaviors, much of this kind of pattern extends beyond generations. I suspect my mother was possibly abused. My father was more of the caretaker type, and enabled her. I think he was in a difficult situation and yet somehow he managed to provide for us as best as he could.

Yes, we have to consider the whole of the person. I think the emotions are varied- and it's OK to feel what you feel.

[yamada]

Prt of me believes that he was taken advantage of by my mother and sister..and part of me knows he enabled their behaviour because it was all to hard to stop it

[Notwendy]

That's similar to how I see my father. He both enabled it and yet, I can also see where it is so hard to say no to my mother. In short- our fathers had times when they were tired from work, or just not able to deal with the anger if they said no.

[yamada]

and my mother and sister know how to manipulate him in  a way no decent person never would

[Notwendy]

I understand. I feel that way about my BPD mother. She treats her immediate family like no decent person would. I didn't quite understand how my father tolerated it- you get that too.

But it was difficult. He had to work to support us and in his day, custody often went to the mother. I think it would have been worse for all involved had he left. I think over time, he adjusted to it in a way- it was the norm in our home. Not normal though.