exBPD found a guy who is a push over

[Depression = 72% of members]

Not sure this is the right place to post, but yeah... .

Was with my exBPD for 11 years straight. Of course, she moved on within a week - to a guy who treated her like dirt. After about a month, that guy got tired of her stalking him and blocked her on everything, changed jobs, and moved so she couldn't find him.

Then two weeks after she called me saying "the world is so scary". I made the mistake and talked to her and tried to comfort her.

The next day she found a guy who is a complete push over. They have been dating for 2 weeks.

He has bought into her lies about me, thinking I tried to control her completely (I live in a state I hate, live in the apartment she picked that I hated - she moved out after the breakup, we decided to share a car years ago - she picked it out then refused to let me use it, I cooked and cleaned while she did nothing around the house, she was physically abusive constantly but somehow made the story about how I was abusive, etc.).

This new guy is so woman positive that he has recorded three cd's all of them about how the world is unfair to women.

My hunch is she will become bored with this guy. But on the other hand, BPD's love absolute control yeah?

I've been treating her like she doesn't matter. She has turned the breakup in a contest. To which I refuse to play apart of, which irritates her.

I think our relationship lasted so long because I comforted her constantly, but I also had some barriers. I eventually kicked her out when I asked for an apology after she attacked me for an hour straight without me fighting back. Few days later I asked her to come back, at which point we saw each other for another 7 months (while she lined up the first guy who darted). Eventually she ended the relationship, funny enough days after I had gotten my life under control (she had done some serious damage, I think she liked me being reliant on her).

Any insight on this? Will she stay with a guy who lets her control him completely?

[naguma]

Not sure this is the right place to post, but yeah... .

Was with my exBPD for 11 years straight. Of course, she moved on within a week - to a guy who treated her like dirt. After about a month, that guy got tired of her stalking him and blocked her on everything, changed jobs, and moved so she couldn't find him.

Then two weeks after she called me saying "the world is so scary". I made the mistake and talked to her and tried to comfort her.

The next day she found a guy who is a complete push over. They have been dating for 2 weeks.

He has bought into her lies about me, thinking I tried to control her completely (I live in a state I hate, live in the apartment she picked that I hated - she moved out after the breakup, we decided to share a car years ago - she picked it out then refused to let me use it, I cooked and cleaned while she did nothing around the house, she was physically abusive constantly but somehow made the story about how I was abusive, etc.).

This new guy is so woman positive that he has recorded three cd's all of them about how the world is unfair to women.

My hunch is she will become bored with this guy. But on the other hand, BPD's love absolute control yeah?

I've been treating her like she doesn't matter. She has turned the breakup in a contest. To which I refuse to play apart of, which irritates her.

I think our relationship lasted so long because I comforted her constantly, but I also had some barriers. I eventually kicked her out when I asked for an apology after she attacked me for an hour straight without me fighting back. Few days later I asked her to come back, at which point we saw each other for another 7 months (while she lined up the first guy who darted). Eventually she ended the relationship, funny enough days after I had gotten my life under control (she had done some serious damage, I think she liked me being reliant on her).

Any insight on this? Will she stay with a guy who lets her control him completely?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Not sure this is the right place to post, but yeah... .

Was with my exBPD for 11 years straight. Of course, she moved on within a week - to a guy who treated her like dirt. After about a month, that guy got tired of her stalking him and blocked her on everything, changed jobs, and moved so she couldn't find him.

Then two weeks after she called me saying "the world is so scary". I made the mistake and talked to her and tried to comfort her.

The next day she found a guy who is a complete push over. They have been dating for 2 weeks.

He has bought into her lies about me, thinking I tried to control her completely (I live in a state I hate, live in the apartment she picked that I hated - she moved out after the breakup, we decided to share a car years ago - she picked it out then refused to let me use it, I cooked and cleaned while she did nothing around the house, she was physically abusive constantly but somehow made the story about how I was abusive, etc.).

This new guy is so woman positive that he has recorded three cd's all of them about how the world is unfair to women.

My hunch is she will become bored with this guy. But on the other hand, BPD's love absolute control yeah?

I've been treating her like she doesn't matter. She has turned the breakup in a contest. To which I refuse to play apart of, which irritates her.

I think our relationship lasted so long because I comforted her constantly, but I also had some barriers. I eventually kicked her out when I asked for an apology after she attacked me for an hour straight without me fighting back. Few days later I asked her to come back, at which point we saw each other for another 7 months (while she lined up the first guy who darted). Eventually she ended the relationship, funny enough days after I had gotten my life under control (she had done some serious damage, I think she liked me being reliant on her).

Any insight on this? Will she stay with a guy who lets her control him completely?

That guys in for a rude awakening. If he thinks he will have a woman treat him well because he's so "woman positive" he's in for a rude awakening... .

[once removed]

hey naguma 

you were in an eleven year relationship. seeing this person with someone else after a week has to be a shattering experience. i empathize 

"the next day she found a guy who is a complete push over... .They have been dating for 2 weeks.He has bought into her lies about me, thinking I tried to control her completely"

how do you know these things? you seem to know a lot about both guys, and the dynamics of the relationship.

"My hunch is she will become bored with this guy. But on the other hand, BPD's love absolute control yeah?

I've been treating her like she doesn't matter. She has turned the breakup in a contest. To which I refuse to play apart of, which irritates her."

pwBPD vary as much as anyone. relationship dynamics vary. but can you see where some of this thinking is off, and where you actually are playing a part/contesting? " I made the mistake and talked to her and tried to comfort her." (that is not necessarily a mistake) "I've been treating her like she doesn't matter." "I refuse to play apart of, which irritates her." there is a dynamic of back and forth here, though it may not seem obvious.

have you had a chance to check out our lessons? trying to make sense of her relationships is understandable, believe me i did it. id heard that my exes new guy was a push over too. he lasted longer than i did. the truth is i had no real idea what was going on or would go on in that relationship, despite my intuition. real healing began when i was able to turn the focus to myself and my recovery. how are you doing with this?

Lessons

[naguma]

real healing began when i was able to turn the focus to myself and my recovery. how are you doing with this?

Lessons

Better then I expected, worse then I hoped.

Far as the back and forth. I realized she was playing a game after last weeks text messages/talk. Had told her I was attending an event and that if we saw each other please just go the other way. She responded by saying ok then telling me how great the new guy was. To which I responded "Happy for you. But if you go just ignore me." That was the point when I stopped playing into her games.

She's been giving me the silent treatment since. Realized that was one of the reasons we took off so well. She had triangulated her ex before me and me. Found out 3 months in that she was talking to him online. Then I did the same thing with the first guy she dated, I allowed her triangulate me. So I figured this guy, it's best to pull back.

Didn't realize she was BPD until after the breakup. Didn't know much about PD's at all, only learned because she labeled me NPD and I went through months learning about NPD to try and fix myself.

Side note, think she has been stalking me for roughly 4 months now. 3 things. First, I had a date planned, but broke it off after my ex gave me some signals to pull me back in. I was inside almost all night, but went to my car at about 11PM. Soon as I opened the door there was a quiet "HA!" that sounded exactly like her voice.

Second, just last week there was noise outside my front door then something banged into my door. When I opened it, nothing was there.

Third, caught her parked across the street for about 4 hours one night. Also caught her driving by one day when I was out for a walk. Odds of her being on my street are pretty slim unless she was there to stalk.

Make that 4 things. She just called while I was typing this from a number I don't know. Said one thing and hung up. Probably checking to see if I was out since it's Saturday night.

[once removed]

i think most of us didnt know much about pds before this experience. ive always loved psychology, and i really hadnt the foggiest idea.

with regard to the stalking behavior, do you have a plan in place? it may be mild, theres a possibility of escalation.

you didnt mention whether you were the one to leave or the one left. it makes little difference with regard to your situation, but it may help me to better understand it.

[naguma]

Here's my view of the situation.

1.5~ years ago we were doing ok, actually seemed like she had made vast improvements. Then she went to a therapist and convinced her that I was abusive and evil.

She used that as an excuse to have an explosive episode, first time she had been physically abusive in almost three years - and this one was probably the worst yet(she stabbed me in the chest with scissors, luckily I grabbed her wrists or it would have been a lot worse). After about a month I asked for an apology, she said it was my fault. Kicked her out.

Three days later - after she saw her therapist again, I asked her to come back. Thought the therapist would help her see her mistake, instead the therapist confirmed that she was in the right.

We then spent 7~ months seeing each other while she groomed the next guy. She then left me, a few days after I got a pretty good job. Something that had been put off for years because she seemed to hinder any progress.

The therapist seems to have caused her to regress drastically. It's really terrifying.

[enlighten me]

Im just wondering what the new guys next three cds will be. Tortured angst and woman hating probably.

Whatever happens you can be sure that he will be going through what you did. It seems the only lessons my two exs learnt was how to lie, control and replace. If only they put as much effort into improving their behaviour.

[once removed]

i can relate. my ex took several of our relationship problems to her therapist. when she came out, according to what she said, he had completely backed her. i was furious. with my ex immediately coming out of a therapy session, i was invalidating. a good therapist is trained to validate the valid. that doesnt mean excuse or enable. but its certainly possible that your ex took this validation and ran with it, and all you got was that version. there is also such thing as bad therapy. choosing the right therapist is like choosing any doctor. it is also very difficult to get through therapy. it means confronting your past; personality disordered people are particularly averse to this, but everyone struggles with it.

Whatever happens you can be sure that he will be going through what you did.

you really cant, and you might be surprised. while people that dont learn from their mistakes tend to repeat them, there are a lot of dynamics here involving at least one entirely different person. that includes a disorder at play, actions and reactions that may be very different.

[enlighten me]

While I agree relationship dynamics vary the one thing that is apparent from both my uBPD exs is their behaviour doesnt change. In the end they have both devalued and mistreated their partners. A constantly repeating cycle that will not change unless they do. I think that the inly difference is timescale. So if the guys a push over or controlling it is only the duration that differs. For some it could be years whereas others could be weeks. Their coping instincts will always take over.

[naguma]

So yeah, got an update today from her.

She apparently moved on already. Now she's dating a 19 year old . He was the number she called from last night. Reverse lookup... .Suppose it should be mentioned, she used her little girl voice when she called - though not sure what she said.

Guess I should consider myself lucky if she triangulates him and the last guy. Not sure who broke off the last relationship.

[once removed]

hey naguma, how are you feeling as a result of this?