Silence after a break up, push/pull

[clvrnn]

The person I was involved with has a pattern of getting very close to me and then breaking up with me, and then going silent for a few weeks.

This is the second time she has done it, and her silence, on this occasion feels very final and never-ending. I have contacted her a few times, the last being 10 days ago when I'd sent her a song and asked her how she was. There's been no response to anything.

Both times, when she's broken up with me, there's been conflict between us as she often blames me for things going wrong - for example, had an outburst of anger at me in front of her family, and then told me that I had caused it, and that I should apologise to her family, and that I  f:cursing:d things up. Of course, being told things like that upset me, so we would argue.

Then there's a period of silence - this happened the first time, and is happening again. However, her silence seems to be going on for a while, and I am concerned and worried that this isn't in fact part of the push/pull, and that it's just over.

As a person, she has always push/pulled with me - since before we were even dating, she would do this. I didn't know she had BPD at that stage, which is why I remember it all so clearly and noticed it in the first place. She, at one stage, stopped replying to me for four months after going out with her to get some food. We were just friends at that time, but it was clear that there was 'chemistry' between us, and her sudden silence did confuse me, and I was equally as confused when she messaged me four months later.

I wanted to contact her again, but I am wary of her being mean towards me, or accusing me of harassing her and threatening to call the police - which she did last time, when I'd contacted her after five days of silence to try and resolve the conflict.

I suppose I still have feelings for her, but at this stage I'm feeling forgotten and as if I imagined our whole relationship, and that she doesn't even care anymore.

I don't know what to do at this stage, any input or advice would be much appreciated.

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[clvrnn]

Well I've written out an email but haven't sent it. I'm sure no-one's even checking these posts by now, .

I used some of the techniques in the DEARMAN method, and tried to keep the focus on rebuilding a friendship, speaking about positive things, not blaming, etc. I haven't sent the email.

I suppose I don't know if it's just going to make me look needy, obsessed, etc. I was going to wait and contact her in a few months, but I think by that point it would be even worse, in terms of me looking, at that late point, that I hadn't moved on. I feel as if there's a window of time that's closing in, almost.

[SunandMoon]

I have read your posts clvrnn, including the other long post you've got going about this situation.

It's tricky - texts and emails can be triggering, sometimes are read the wrong way, and of course, they can be ignored. Have you thought about just picking up the phone and calling her? Maybe try using your email as a guideline, with the DEARMAN principles? Or just try listening and validating?

It's hard to know what to advise in this situation. I understand you are hoping to reconcile, or at least are looking for an answer or closure... sometimes you just don't get either. And that's not limited to pwBPD.

I think that you are going to drive yourself nuts until you do contact her in some way, so you have to follow your instinct on this.

Good luck
SaM x

[clvrnn]

I have read your posts clvrnn, including the other long post you've got going about this situation.

It's tricky - texts and emails can be triggering, sometimes are read the wrong way, and of course, they can be ignored. Have you thought about just picking up the phone and calling her? Maybe try using your email as a guideline, with the DEARMAN principles? Or just try listening and validating?

It's hard to know what to advise in this situation. I understand you are hoping to reconcile, or at least are looking for an answer or closure... sometimes you just don't get either. And that's not limited to pwBPD.

I think that you are going to drive yourself nuts until you do contact her in some way, so you have to follow your instinct on this.

Good luck
SaM x

Hey, thank you for replying.

I've thought about calling, and to be honest, I think it's a good idea. I think sometimes I worry that the call may not be answered, and then if I were to try again or send a follow up contact, I'd be accused of harassment (she uses that term lot, so I have to be very mindful of how I approach her).

Maybe I could try and call, and if she doesn't pick up, send the email? I find that there is a lot to consider when contacting her. If I were to message a friend after a conflict, it's very straightforward - not so, here.

The reason I suppose I prefer email/text is that it has always been our method of communication, and I can say things in a clear manner. Sometimes in calls, she gets angry if I say something in the wrong tone, for example. I haven't yet mastered all of her triggers, and I really want to avoid getting into arguments.

The last time I tried the phone approach, for example - she launched into a sort of un-interruptable rant about all the things I was doing wrong, and there was no space for me to speak. She then got angrier and angrier and hung up. Whenever we try and talk on the phone, it often turns that way. I would really rather avoid that, at this stage!

I agree, often situations just end and there isn't any closure, and it isn't limited to pwBPD, of course. I think you're also right in that this is going to go around and around my head until I do it.