Thanks JoeBPD81 for your kind and thoughtful response. Sorry for the delayed reply, I am seeing my mother off to the old country in a few days and its getting really stressful. Not only lots of things to do and ends to tie but emotions are running high.
I often feel like I live in a different world, apart from the people that surround me, PD Land sounds accurate. There are different rules here, but we carry ourselves the needs/prejudices from our previous world. There we could use insctict and good intentions and they worked 90% of the time, and then, mistakes were just mistakes and we could be forgiven and the mistakes forgotten. Here, any time we make a mistake, we feel like walking on a mine field of RS problems. That's true.
Im beginning to realize this. Im an immigrant in the US, I speak 2 languages on a daily basis. Life with my pwBPD in it feels a bit like moving to a new planet
The more emotionally stressed we are, the less we use the tools and the more we react by the old instincts, or worse... .But we can't expect to be perfect.
So observe your emotions, and try to lower your anxiety before acting, or reacting (Yeah, easily said than done, I know).
Much like circular arguments, me and my pwBPD reach to each other in a circular way. He reacts to my ADHD. Im beginning to think this is at the core of almost all of our outbursts or dramas. I would normally describe myself as a high functioning ADHD because I set up and follow systems for myself to function. To do lists etc. Reminders on phone. But when life gets intense (and it has been now for a long time its like there is no end to the things that are happening to the people around me and affecting me), Im ridiculously distracted. I cannot complete sentences, I say inappropriate things and I give wrong responses because I spaced out during mid sentence while listening to you. This is no picnic to be around. And then... .Im not a raging type but when Im being raged on and I get anxious I will break at some point yell back. But these are unusual times in my life. I think I will always wonder if things would have been easier if we had met at a different time point. Its also possible the r/s would never have started if I had been more balanced and level headed.
I think Im going to knock on his door tonight, ask him out on a short walk with me (doing this has been great for us in the past) and if he is willing, I am going to talk about this. My adhd and how it hasnt always been like this and how it wont be like this in the future (Im giving it 3 months if not better by then I am going on meds). Basically asking him to hang in there as I believe things can get better for us.
So the 1st step for you is to know it's ok to make mistakes, and it's ok to want things for yourself.
Yeah its just that I get punished for every mistake with a really long silent treatment. Sigh.
Even therapist found themselves lost, or too involved emotionally, and many of them do more harm than good, and they are supposed to be trained, and they deal with this one hour a week. It is sad but some of them even refuse to treat pwBPD.
Ive been learning a lot about this. Some wont treat because they are not sufficiently trained but others simply because they dont want to be bothered. I have 2 bff's, one PhD one double MA. PhD works at mental health crisis center in hospital, the double MA works with eating disorders. Crisis center friend gives diagnosis and they both treat BPDs literally all the time. The one that gives the dx has talked a lot about how unsympathetic the system is and how the dx can have negative effect resulting in the client not getting sufficient help for co-morbid issues. I get frustrated hearing this because that doesnt really help anyone. The stigma works against them being treated, and it works against us who love them for the same reason.
You are doing just fine, and in time you will be even better.
Well that I can thank you and the many other wonderful people here on bpdfamily. Im grateful for the level headedness, open mindedness, empathy, compassion and more than anything the nonjudgmental attitude and support that I find here. Its good to vent and moan a bit every now and then but its not very constructive in the long term. We choose our relationships and who we spend time with. In one raging episode my pwBPD said something I cannot erase from my mind: "Its time you take responsibility for this relationship". It really got to me because he was right. Im beyond grateful to get the support here that I need to be accountable and present while in this relationship.