New Insights

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's a little over 3 months since break up and it's two steps forward & one back; but I have discovered some new insights that may help others.  My SO pwBPD was very accomplished.  I once said "you have a lot of confidence" and he replied (truthfully for once) "It's just a façade."  Now I realize (insight #1) that his self esteem is zero despite accomplishments.  This results in what I call "the bottomless pit."  Breakup came because he met another woman but wanted me to participate in a threesome.  I now realize that there will never be enough women to fill up a bottomless pit.  He wanted variety, even though I told him at the beginning if relationship was to be an intimate one, I wanted exclusivity (which he agreed to -- said I had "nothing to worry about" when it came to other woman.)  The bottomless pit extends to friends also -- he actually wanted me to remain his "best friend" after I refused the threesome.  Also, bottomless pit pertains to money, he was cheap, not frugal, even though he had a good income.  A bottomless pit is just that -- bottomless.  This insight helps me to realize break up came not because "I wasn't enough" -- because no one person will ever be enough -- there is never enough of anything to fill up a bottomless pit.  Insight #2 is one I picked up from a post I read on here:  Many (most?) pwBPD cannot be intimate with another, so they substitute intensity for intimacy.  This is especially apparent in the sexual area.  They consider themselves very sexual, but it is often bizarre, perhaps crude and vulgar (& I am not a prude.)  Lovemaking is not in their vocabulary.  Insight #3, they are perfectionists -- but not in all areas -- there simply is not enough time in the day to be perfect about everything, so they may be perfect in some areas and have total chaos in others (which they never seem to see.)  Hope this is helpful to someone.

[eniale]

It's a little over 3 months since break up and it's two steps forward & one back; but I have discovered some new insights that may help others.  My SO pwBPD was very accomplished.  I once said "you have a lot of confidence" and he replied (truthfully for once) "It's just a façade."  Now I realize (insight #1) that his self esteem is zero despite accomplishments.  This results in what I call "the bottomless pit."  Breakup came because he met another woman but wanted me to participate in a threesome.  I now realize that there will never be enough women to fill up a bottomless pit.  He wanted variety, even though I told him at the beginning if relationship was to be an intimate one, I wanted exclusivity (which he agreed to -- said I had "nothing to worry about" when it came to other woman.)  The bottomless pit extends to friends also -- he actually wanted me to remain his "best friend" after I refused the threesome.  Also, bottomless pit pertains to money, he was cheap, not frugal, even though he had a good income.  A bottomless pit is just that -- bottomless.  This insight helps me to realize break up came not because "I wasn't enough" -- because no one person will ever be enough -- there is never enough of anything to fill up a bottomless pit.  Insight #2 is one I picked up from a post I read on here:  Many (most?) pwBPD cannot be intimate with another, so they substitute intensity for intimacy.  This is especially apparent in the sexual area.  They consider themselves very sexual, but it is often bizarre, perhaps crude and vulgar (& I am not a prude.)  Lovemaking is not in their vocabulary.  Insight #3, they are perfectionists -- but not in all areas -- there simply is not enough time in the day to be perfect about everything, so they may be perfect in some areas and have total chaos in others (which they never seem to see.)  Hope this is helpful to someone.

[Waddams]

 

It seems you're already on your way to understanding and some healing. 

So what's next for you?

[eniale]

What's next for me?  Hmmmm... .  well, right after breakup I got involved with 2 organizations.  I knew I had to fill up my life as he used to call every day (at least once, sometimes more) and we saw each other 2-3 times a week.  I have great friends & they were supportive, but, hey, they have their own lives.  No family nearby.  I am meeting new people with the 2 new groups.  One is a grass roots community organization, the other a sports team.  I really would like to meet a new life partner, but at present not actively looking.  I know for sure next time I will go very, very SLOW -- slow to get to know, very slow to trust, and very, very slow to consider we have a solid relationship.  In my relationship with pwBPD things moved too fast (I think he also is commitment phobic, although he said we were partners for life -- when things got very close between us, that is when he found his new woman) He swept me off my feet as he was very assertive to point of being aggressive (although I take responsibility for not being more cautious).  So for now, it's just one day at a time. Pain is still very much there, but then I change my thoughts & do a reality check.  He is not stable, he could be nasty, he did not value my trust or respect me and I deserve better than that.