>Need advice on how to communicate

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, my husband is undiagnosed but displays many of the traits described and strongly. He will remain undiagnosed because he will never go and see a councillor or therapist.
He has had a traumatic life and has always been emotional and angry but now his physical health is deteriorating and he is lower than ever.
He has alienated himself from everyone who cares. According to him, nobody understands him and is bothered about what happens to him. He can't work or walk and prefers to live on the streets rather than be around those terrible people who have abandoned him. But he is not able to physically look after himself anymore.
Our communication has always been bad, especially as we come from different languages, and when I don't understand what he says, he thinks that I'm playing with his mind rather than simply not understanding. Then he gets frustrated and angry and anything which I say only makes him angrier still. If I say that I'm not playing with him
, he says that I'm lying. If I say that he is important to me, then he says that I'm a hypocrite. He pushes me away and insults me.
I've tried the SET and NVC ways of talking but they aren't really working. Whatever he interprets as having happened, is the reality and any attempt to explain that something may have happened for another reason only makes him more emotional.
I love him and I hate seeing him like this. I want to help him, but he pushes me away. I've lost count of the number of times we have split up and got back together. It's never me who leaves. He always pushes me away because, in his words, I'm  such a nasty person who torments him. Personally, it appears to me that his mind is so confused that he needs to be alone.
This would be manageable if it would pass, but it doesn't. He has the capacity to stay mad at me for weeks. All his problems, according to him, are my fault. This time, as many times before, he has said that it's the last time that we will meet. It is try that the periods when I'm shut off are increasing in length.
Any ideas of what to say to him please?

[Anonymousse]

Hi, my husband is undiagnosed but displays many of the traits described and strongly. He will remain undiagnosed because he will never go and see a councillor or therapist.
He has had a traumatic life and has always been emotional and angry but now his physical health is deteriorating and he is lower than ever.
He has alienated himself from everyone who cares. According to him, nobody understands him and is bothered about what happens to him. He can't work or walk and prefers to live on the streets rather than be around those terrible people who have abandoned him. But he is not able to physically look after himself anymore.
Our communication has always been bad, especially as we come from different languages, and when I don't understand what he says, he thinks that I'm playing with his mind rather than simply not understanding. Then he gets frustrated and angry and anything which I say only makes him angrier still. If I say that I'm not playing with him
, he says that I'm lying. If I say that he is important to me, then he says that I'm a hypocrite. He pushes me away and insults me.
I've tried the SET and NVC ways of talking but they aren't really working. Whatever he interprets as having happened, is the reality and any attempt to explain that something may have happened for another reason only makes him more emotional.
I love him and I hate seeing him like this. I want to help him, but he pushes me away. I've lost count of the number of times we have split up and got back together. It's never me who leaves. He always pushes me away because, in his words, I'm  such a nasty person who torments him. Personally, it appears to me that his mind is so confused that he needs to be alone.
This would be manageable if it would pass, but it doesn't. He has the capacity to stay mad at me for weeks. All his problems, according to him, are my fault. This time, as many times before, he has said that it's the last time that we will meet. It is try that the periods when I'm shut off are increasing in length.
Any ideas of what to say to him please?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anonymousse]

Anyone?

[SinisterComplex]

First, welcome to the fam. 

Second, take some time and peruse our tools and skills library which I believe would be of immense use to you.

For general all purpose: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

When you check out the library please focus on 1.15 through 1.18. I think that should provide you some good direction.

Of course in the meantime please feel free to share as much as you want and ask as many questions as you need to. Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome!  What you’re feeling sounds painful and frustrating, and I am sorry for your situation.

Tough questions to ask yourself:

What are you getting from this relationship and how do you see it helping you to achieve the things you want and need out of life?  Where do you see this going for yourself 1, 5, 10 years into the future?

Why do you feel the need to chase and fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed?  (Trick question - we can only control ourselves - not others)

Your heart is hurting, and they are special to you - those are all valid feelings.  Take a deep breath, and journal out your thoughts to the hard questions and listen to both sides of your brain - both the feelings side and the logical side and then re-read what you write.

We are here for support and questions…

[Anonymousse]

Anyone?

Hi and thanks for the message. I apologise for the delay in replying.

I tried to look for the library that you mentioned but I had no luck finding it. Could you point me in the right direction please? Many thanks.

[Anonymousse]

First, welcome to the fam. 

Second, take some time and peruse our tools and skills library which I believe would be of immense use to you.


When you check out the library please focus on 1.15 through 1.18. I think that should provide you some good direction.

Hi and thanks for the message. I apologise for the delay in replying.

I tried to look for the library that you mentioned but I had no luck finding it. Could you point me in the right direction please? Many thanks

[Anonymousse]

Why do you feel the need to chase and fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed?  (Trick question - we can only control ourselves - not others)

Hi and thanks for the message.
It was missing from my original post that actually he has asked for help from me and other people. This is a big deal, he was never one to ask for help before. With other people I imagine that it didnt go so emotionally but he still ended up telling them to leave, with me he became quite dependent and then he became more sick and started to get paranoid and said that it was my fault and cut me off, again. He comes back and cuts me off a lot, whenever he feels threatened. I don't mean that I behave in a threatening way, but any small thing can set this off, often a simple misunderstanding due to the language barrier. He says that I am intentionally playing dumb when I genuinely don't understand. I often don't understand what has happened as the change from happy mood to angry can be so swift. I think that his mind gets full and he can't think clearly so lashes out to protect himself. Does that make sense? Then he tells me to leave and won't talk to me for weeks.

I suppose that the meaning behind my original post, asking what to say to him, was exactly this: how do I talk to him during these periods of being seen as enemy number one?

[Anonymousse]

Hi and thanks for the message.
It was missing from my original post that actually he has asked for help from me and other people. This is a big deal, he was never one to ask for help before. With other people I imagine that it didnt go so emotionally but he still ended up telling them to leave, with me he became quite dependent and then he became more sick and started to get paranoid and said that it was my fault and cut me off, again. He comes back and cuts me off a lot, whenever he feels threatened. I don't mean that I behave in a threatening way, but any small thing can set this off, often a simple misunderstanding due to the language barrier. He says that I am intentionally playing dumb when I genuinely don't understand. I often don't understand what has happened as the change from happy mood to angry can be so swift. I think that his mind gets full and he can't think clearly so lashes out to protect himself. Does that make sense? Then he tells me to leave and won't talk to me for weeks.

I suppose that the meaning behind my original post, asking what to say to him, was exactly this: how do I talk to him during these periods of being seen as enemy number one?

I mean: I feel like I'm defending myself against an invisible enemy: his paranoia. (Maybe paranoia isn't the right word, but I don't have a better one.) Anyway, everything can be nice between us and then suddenly an explosion and it all turns sour and anything that I say is turned around to mean something else or supposedly  designed to hurt him in some way or simply a lie.

Was he always like this?Yes, to a degree. But with the illness it has intensified dramatically and I see him hurting so much and he wants/needs help but his defences  come up and he alienates himself further.

[Anonymousse]

Tough questions to ask yourself:

What are you getting from this relationship and how do you see it helping you to achieve the things you want and need out of life?  Where do you see this going for yourself 1, 5, 10 years into the future?

Yes of course I have asked myself questions like this. I had decided to leave for good but he begged me for help and when I saw him and how badly his health had deteriorated I came back because I couldn't leave him like that. And with BPD, from what I understand, it is common for the person to cut themself off, that it is some kind of defence mechanism rather than what they actually want. Certainly I feel that with him.

[Anonymousse]

Hi and thanks for the message.
It was missing from my original post that actually he has asked for help from me and other people. This is a big deal, he was never one to ask for help before. With other people I imagine that it didnt go so emotionally but he still ended up telling them to leave, with me he became quite dependent and then he became more sick and started to get paranoid and said that it was my fault and cut me off, again. He comes back and cuts me off a lot, whenever he feels threatened. I don't mean that I behave in a threatening way, but any small thing can set this off, often a simple misunderstanding due to the language barrier. He says that I am intentionally playing dumb when I genuinely don't understand. I often don't understand what has happened as the change from happy mood to angry can be so swift. I think that his mind gets full and he can't think clearly so lashes out to protect himself. Does that make sense? Then he tells me to leave and won't talk to me for weeks.

I suppose that the meaning behind my original post, asking what to say to him, was exactly this: how do I talk to him during these periods of being seen as enemy number one?

I guess this sounds a bit confusing as originally I said that he has cut himself off from the people who care but now I say that he has asked for help. I'm confused myself but both scenarios are true. He asks for help then the "paranoia" kicks in and he feels afraid and cuts himself off again.