Ex with bpd broke up with me second time

[you674]

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. A little backstory- we had been together a year before our first breakup which was caused by me but initiated by her. I had a lot happen in my life(one of my close friends took his own life) and some other things i had already been dealing with and i became a very mean person. When we broke up the first time she told me she maybe we could be together again one day if i changed. While we were broken up she would say she didn't know how she felt and maybe one day we could be together. She had a point where she actually became super self absorbed and thought she was the hottest girl ever even her voice was different. I found out she was talking to other guys online during this time when we finally started getting close again. She confessed to everything and showed me everything and told me she had dissociated for the 2 months we were apart and i believed her as she became a completely different person. This is when i found out she had bpd and she told me she thinks she has it and i looked it up and knew she did. She begged me to give her another chance and i was hesitant at first and she understood why and said she would take however long it took to build my trust back and she would get help. She started going to therapy a little while later and went to a psychologist. We ended up getting back together and being happy but there was still the bpd. She thought for a long time that i was getting back with her to get revenge. She would sometimes think i was cheating on her or think i was going to leave her. i knew this was her bpd and reassured her and she would be happy. Not long after we got together she found on my phone i had looked at porn which i regret terribly. i looked at it when i found out she had sent pictures to guys online. she was terribly upset but said she would forgive me but if i ever did it again we were done. 2 more years went by. during this time she would be scared i was still looking at it when i wasn't and i would reassure her. She would have breakdowns and scream and cry over tiny things and then calm down and apologize and beg me not to think differently. I never did i understood. A few months before our 2nd and last breakup it became slightly more frequents and it started taking a toll on me and a few times i would just hang up on her and one time i said i was going to leave but i never meant it and even she said she knew i was just saying it. Things started to get a lot better. she would always tell me how i was the only one that got her and understood her. She would tell me how grateful she is to have me since she didnt really have any friends of her own but was good friends with some mutual friends she met through me years ago. She was always worried i would leave her and i told her i never would. We had lots of deep talks about our future. We broke up a few days before Christmas and i found out she had been thinking about it for a little less than a week after seeing a very revealing picture of a girl on my phone. The thing is the picture was posted by a meme page i follow on instagram on an account i dont use. She opened my phone while we were hanging out and having a good time which i never had a problem with her doing and saw it. She was always scared i looked at other girls instead of her and she had a breakdown and was saying we were done and how she said if she ever found it again we were done and was crying and freaking out. i got upset because it was out of my control that that was on my phone and told her if you want to throw away everything we have then leave. things calmed down and we cuddled and talked and i thought things were better and fixed. The next day she started talking to our mutual friend about breaking up with me. She told him about the stuff on my phone and said she thinks i also like cp which she thinks all men like i guess because of her trauma. She said we were toxic and didnt get along which i dont get because we had talked before about how she was working on her reactions and she was scared i would leave because i thought she was toxic. while she was talking to him about this i had no idea we still spent every day talking/playing video games together and we hung out the day before the breakup and had a great day shopping and made plans to hang out with me the next day her idea and was acting super excited as she always did. She texted me in the middle of the night and said we should part ways and its for the best and we both know we are toxic and she is trying to do things to better her mental health. She then ignored me and would not respond and told me in the breakup text not to text or call her. she finally responded and said she still wanted to do Christmas gifts with me after Christmas but when the time came she kept putting it off. i did react pretty bad to the breakup as it blindsided me but even she said she know it probably blindsided me. she then completely ignored me but was posting about how bad i was on social media and that i ruined her and i reacted by texting her about it to no response and when i would stop texting her she would post more stuff that would get me to react and i texted her again about it and she said she was going to get a restraining order on me for harassing her and stalking her. i then unfollowed her on social media and stopped looking at it because i wasn't trying to stalk her it was on my feed. She reached out alittle over a week later about and account i had that was hers and was telling me how she has to move out soon because her relationship with her parents is ruined. This is part of the reason she told me when things had gotten hard and the breakdowns became more frequent. She was having alot of family issues and her parents were threating to divorce one another and that is when she would have constant mood swings and apologize to me. But she now blames it on our lack of communication which i always tried to get her to communicate with meand thoguht she did. She always told me i wasnt the reason for how she felt and i was actually the good part of her life but she now blames me for all of it. We had one last phone call about a month after the breakup when i reacted to the social media stuff and she said she said it dosent matter if i looked at the picture or not it was just the final straw and it reminded her of everything and how she cant trust me and we didnt get along. She also said she hasn't known who she is for the past few years and that was one of the main reasons aswell and shes sorry for hurting me and dosent want me to be miserable. i asked her if there was any hope for us and she said we cant come back from this with how i reacted and the breakup and that i need to move on and not wait for her  but maybe one day in the future when she has grown up and knows who she is we will meet again. I don't know how to feel about all this i love her more than anything and we were going to move out together in a little less than a year and we were both always talking about it and excited. i know i wasn't always the best boyfriend but i just hope she realizes how fast her emotions and feelings for me changed i dont think this is how she truly feels but maybe im wrong. its been a month and a half and a little over a week since we last talked and only exchanged a few sentences about the account and her family stuff. the last message i sent she left me on delivered. Weeks before she saw the thing on my phone i was everyting to her and she as everything to me and she always seemed so happy together. Is there any hope she will be back? i know alot of the post on here talk about people with bpd in a negative light but she has alwasy been very aware and open about it with me and alwasy tried to work on it and talk about what she felt and why she thinks she feels that way and understands it isn't me.

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