The Lonely Road Ahead

[MatOfTheDoor]

I filed for divorce on Monday and my wife got served the papers on Tuesday. Couldn't believe how fast she got served but the timing was perfect. Our marriage has been so toxic over the last 7 years that I finally had enough. My wife is undiagnosed but shows many traits of borderline, histrionic & narcissistic personality. After her third emotional affair, which resulted in a 4 day rendezvous last weekend, I realized things will never change with her. Now I am committed to make changes in myself. The hardest thing for me to handle right now is the loneliness. Basically I've had a room mate for most of the relationship instead of a partner. Everything was about her and what she needed/wanted, I fed off the drama. The reason I put up with horrible treatment was my own co-dependency. I've been painted black once again by her and its time to go. I can't help but wonder if the road ahead only holds loneliness. I know that logically I'm already alone without her emotional or physical connection but at least I had the drama to distract me, hence hanging on to the marriage for so long. Now I am using alcohol to ease the pain but it only increases my emotions. Maybe that is how the borderline feels all the time with heightened emotions 24/7. I don't envy that because its horrible to feel such heightened emotion while drunk. At least I can put the bottle down and heal but she is trapped in an endless cycle of heightened emotion with no baseline for normal emotion.

[charred]

The loneliness can be tough. If you have family and friends you can be around, they can help. When I got a divorce I moved in with my sister for about 3 months to help get through it. Sitting in an empty house or apartment that is dead silent is tough, found that having TV on and a radio on in a different room helped as it made background sounds like people. Was hard to sleep, I made list of things to do (mostly menial as I was in no state to do anything hard)... . so cleaned and organized in down time to keep busy, get tired and make my surroundings better.

An relationship with someone with BPD is very hard on you emotionally... . at first they seem perfect, hype up your self esteem, get more and more engulfing. After a while it changes and they get more and more difficult to live with. The thing is... . in my experience anyway, they cut through the emotional walls that other people didn't... . ignored boundaries and were very emotional. So it seemed like they were perfect, wonderful, and we tend to put them on a pedestal and treat and feel like we are in a primary relationship with them. By primary I mean like they are family, like your mother or father... . only with it seeming like it is a normal adult relationship. After a while they berate us, do mean things and we take it like it was a parent doing it... . but when a breakup happens, it is not like any breakup we have had before, its more like the loss of a parent. We can suffer severe depression, hopelessness, loneliness, and worse. Most people thankfully have not been in that kind of dsyfunctional relationship... . which is good for them, but makes finding someone who really understands what its like hard.

A good therapist can help... . most the time people cling to the relationship and ruminate about it, they second guess everything about themselves and make themselves upset thinking unrealistically about the future. Mindfulness meditation can help... . it sounded like BS to me... . as I am a very pragmatic serious person (accountant by training)... . but it is really a lot of exercises on de-stressing and keeping your thoughts in the here and now... . which when done right... . tremendously reduces your stress/ruminating and depressing yourself.

Once you are over the hump of the breakup, you will want to understand why... . why they acted that way, why it hurts so much, why you ignored   and you will find a lot of resources to address those questions, as well as support here.

Good luck

[Sparky2Blame?]

I think the loneliness can be battled (somewhat) by taking an active approach to the new situation that you find yourself in.  Reconnect with old friends.  Spend time with family.  Seek new experiences and get involved.  I used meetup.com a while back when I felt isolated from the world to find groups and activities to get involved in.  Submerse yourself in hobbies that interest you (ones that don't require a partner and force you to be distracted from other things in your life).

Alcohol: there is a time and place for it.  But ultimately, it is a depressant.  And it will offer little long term help with what you are feeling.  Initially, it may take the edge off (temporarily). But like you say, it will increase your emotions... . and once your mind gets rolling over the pain and loneliness, it will only heighten those emotions.  Plus, hang overs suck!  I would examine that road, and rethink whether its one you want to continue to walk.

Sounds like you are aware of your codependency traits and have some knowledge as to why you held on so long.  It's time to recognize her role in the drama (sounds like you have to an extent).  Let go of any responsibility you may feel that you have for her issues.  And start to focus on what you can do to get on a path of healing and dealing with the things that you can actually fix.

[Xtrange]

MatOfTheDoor,

I am in the same process right now. Divorcing after 7 yrs of marriage plus 7 dating.

I also feel the loneliness and I got drunk one time and, as Sparky2Blame said, it doesn’t help.  Alcohol only makes things worst.

As recommended by Charred, you need to get a Therapist; also try to reconnect with your family and friends (I am trying this and its hard).

On the search for reasons, I found this post very useful:

US: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle for members that have exited BPD relationships

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

[MatOfTheDoor]

Thanks charred, Sparky2Blame & Xtrange for your advice. The link for idealization to devaluation really hit home for me. I'm in the process of moving to another state so that will keep me occupied during this painful time. My wife (soon to be ex) doesn't know if she is crying tears of joy or pain. I guess because she already fell in love with another man but doesn't want me to leave her. It was a revelation to read about the "lonely child" and the search for understanding the borderline. I've been doing that from year 1 of the marriage and became obsessed like the article stated above. Now I just want healing and peace in my life, I don't care to understand her anymore. She always told me how she didn't want to hurt me but kept on doing it anyway. Time to move on with my life.

[Xtrange]

MatOfTheDoor,

The lonely child tries to understand. We try to do it rationally, but BPD is irrational. When we notice it, the struggling is over.

I realize that, and like you, now I am trying to heal.

[charred]

MatOfTheDoor,

The lonely child tries to understand. We try to do it rationally, but BPD is irrational. When we notice it, the struggling is over.

I realize that, and like you, now I am trying to heal.

Well put. I have heard of the understanding child... one that tries to deal with all the FOO problems by understanding them. Excelled in school, achieved all kinds of things, and am a consumate techy... . but none of it addressed the problems, and none of it helped in dealing with my pwBPD. Realizing they were irrational and that 30 yrs hadn't changed her... . finally got me to quit fighting with accepting reality, real acceptance of the situation changes everything. I now know I had feelings for her because of her issues... and how they resonated with my early upbringing (issues)... . and nothing good comes from that. We both managed to replay and relive our nightmares. Hate that reality isn't that she is my soul mate... . and we don't ride off happily ever after, but without her... . I don't need a T... no one else even came close to stressing me out like that.

Your head needs some answers, but your heart needs to heal, this stuff really hurts it.

[Xtrange]

MatOfTheDoor,

The lonely child tries to understand. We try to do it rationally, but BPD is irrational. When we notice it, the struggling is over.

I realize that, and like you, now I am trying to heal.

no one else even came close to stressing me out like that.

Your head needs some answers, but your heart needs to heal, this stuff really hurts it.

I also noticed that she was the only person that could make me angry quickly. And at the end the stress was out of limits.

[Validation78]

Hi Mat!

I'm sorry to hear that things are tough right now. What you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. Even though we know, going our separate ways is right, and a healthy step in the right direction, it's still hard, sad and just plain sucks!

Give yourself time to grieve. It's alright and we will all do it at our own pace. Please just make taking care of yourself your priority. It's easy to get into a slump, and if you don't stay aware of your feelings, you will not move forward. There are a lot of resources here, on the site, to help you. If you haven't already, please read The Lessons to the right on this page!

You have work to do! It will take a plan, tailor  made for you, by you. Reach out to others, you'd be surprised how many people want to help. Get into some sort of healing regiment, it will give you stability, like getting up at the same time every day and exercising for example. Walk the dog, make yourself a special breakfast, meditate, go for a drive etc. Come up with something to make you feel good about every day you have, and every day as an opportunity to live in peace, working on your health and well being! It's within your reach. You just have to go get it!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[MatOfTheDoor]

Today my wife signed the divorce papers and had a melt down. She told me that she loved me more than anyone else and never wanted a divorce. She blames me for not going for separation and counseling for myself. I pointed out to her that she had a new man in her life that she claims to love and I have been replaced. Her response was that it won't work out between her new love because he has too much baggage & his ex keeps getting involved. Then she tells me that everybody has abandoned her including her brother who died 3 years ago. Now I feel guilty for filing the papers and second guess myself but her actions speak louder than words so I know I did the right thing. Once again she claimed he was just a friend and they never had sex but I heard her on the phone 2 days ago confirming the sex with him. She asked him if she was the first woman he had sex with since he has been sober. Ouch! I don't know why I feel guilty when she left me for another but I do. You see I just can't handle the pain of being cheated on anymore so I am leaving, I don't think the cycle would ever end. Now I am finally eating normal meals and getting ready to move. Its going to take awhile to detach from being the caregiver and she is probably counting on that. Time for me to start working on the lessons that Val78 referred too.

[Hazelrah]

The loneliness can be tough. If you have family and friends you can be around, they can help. When I got a divorce I moved in with my sister for about 3 months to help get through it. Sitting in an empty house or apartment that is dead silent is tough, found that having TV on and a radio on in a different room helped as it made background sounds like people. Was hard to sleep, I made list of things to do (mostly menial as I was in no state to do anything hard)... . so cleaned and organized in down time to keep busy, get tired and make my surroundings better.

That's really ironic... . I find myself doing the exact same things during early detachment from BPD wife.  I always have some form of electronic entertainment on at home, just so my brain gets that tiny bit of distraction, or by fooling it into thinking I'm not completely alone.  I have the radio on ALL night, right next to my bed, and I leave it on until leaving for work in the morning; then I turn on the TV to something inane or innocuous when I get home in the evening.  Glad to know it isn't some singularly pathetic quirk of mine.

[Anikaca77]

Just sitting here alone... . thinking ... . too bad we can't have a support call group where people who are in the similar situations can call each or text each other when they are wanting to text their ex.

I texted my ex but it was about the cats... . he just gave his generic answer... . kinda pissed me off a bit that he is too busy with his new relationship to tell me about how my cats are doing when he knows what they mean to me.

I hate that I'm stuck in a small room and he has a house because this women took him in and I just want to post things on her page but I can't because I don't have access to them.

Just the whole thing makes me ill thinking about it.  I'm in T but not for too much longer because I can't really afford it. 

[lockedout]

My only advice - the rest would concur with what others are saying is this: keep the bottle out of the house. Make your home a "dry home". You'll think better of it if you have to make a store run before getting gassed at home by yourself. It's worked quite well for me. There are still days when I want to pick up a bottle of Jameson on the way home and so far I've successfully talked myself out of it no matter how much I actually like the stuff.

Stopping at a bar to unwind is ok: as long as you can do so without trying to drive home drunk. There's atmosphere there and having people to talk to can be a healthy distraction.