I just saved $500 on Valentine's Day by switching to Single

[Waddams]

Well, I didn’t really save much because I’d already done the spending part before the ___ hit the fan.

As I’ve detailed before, SO’s anger has been escalating at me.  Things to do with kids, me not complying various demands of hers regarding a bunch of stuff, etc.  It really comes down to values, and me living my values and taking care of me is just bringing down the wrath.

I’ve also had some recent big expenses and didn’t have much spare cash for fun stuff for her birthday (feb. 12th) and valentine’s day.  I put together plans to make her a nice dinner for both, got a few what I thought were small, inexpensive, but thoughtful gifts.  Made room to include all the kids, etc.

And was told on Valentine’s day that is was all not good enough, don’t bother, take anything else back, she didn’t want it, and she would not be participating in Valentine’s Day with me.

It really just comes down she’s just got out of control rage at me because I won’t comply with her control, and she’s venting it out at me over kid issues, values differences, special occasions not being good enough, etc.  In summary it’s “Waddams, you have made me mad, you aren’t good enough, and now I’m going to hurt you and make you pay.”

Nevermind I’m covering for a lot of her expenses while she’s getting up and running as a realtor and generally being the provider for her and her kids.  And yeah, I didn’t have the money to afford much for her birthday this year, or Valentine’s Day.  So I tried to do some thoughtful things instead, but instead she claims I put no forethought into anything, and just didn’t make an effort.  And she’s even getting her broker to give her an advance on commissions so she can pay me back for replacing the alternator in her car recently (which was expensive and is the major reason I didn’t have more fun money).  Nothing else matters, just that things didn’t meet her expectations.  

My S10 and I stayed with a friend Saturday night for Valentine’s Day, and now she’s even more angry.  Why she thinks I’m going to go spend it with someone that openly told me she wasn’t doing anything for me, I wasn’t worth anything to her, etc. is beyond me.  

Trying to figure out how to extricate myself from this relationship now.  Lease is up April 30th.  Last rent check is due April 1st.  If nothing else, I’m planning on making that last payment, and then getting myself my own place and moving ASAP.  She won’t have much in the way closings done, so not much cash, I have no idea where she’ll go, but that’s not my problem.

I’m not even mad, angry, don’t really feel hurt, etc.  Just done.  I know what I’ve done for her, I know my value, and I know the value I bring to her and anyone else in my life.  I won’t let her tear me down.

[Waddams]

adding one more post because the "modify" button isn't showing.

Maybe this should have gone in Leaving, oops.  But I've been posting in here, so figured I'd put it here.

and I'm trying to put on a good face about all this, SO and I have some mutual friends that have seen what's been happening for a while because they've been there when SO acting out, and I'm trying real hard to be nice, be gracious, take the moral high road, etc.  Said mutual friends have all expressed that I need to get out.  I was helping one with a move when I got the "No Valentine's Day for you!" text sent from SO while she was working at her model home.  Seeing me plainly shaken, they asked what was up, and I showed them.  that's when they said to stay there and not even go home to it.  they've also offered that i can stay in the spare room if i just can't stay in the house with her until the lease runs out. 

I don't want too much sympathy over this because I ignored the     and to me at this point, it's like "i knew this.  don't be all surprised and hurt now."  A bunch of friends and family are concerned and I'm hearing from them because SO is posting nasty stuff on FB too.  And I don't want people to worry about me, I'll take care of me, and I'll be fine.  i've had an issue with accepting help all my life.  i'm just stubborn and have to do it all myself.  but maybe being almost 40 now, wisdom is starting to creep in, and i'm considering taking those friends up on the offer of the room.  i just don't want to leave SO and her kids in the house alone because they'll trash it.

But my "inner child" is absolutely screaming and wailing right now.  Those self soothing and self parenting techniques my T taught me a few years ago are getting a real work out right now!

[enlighten me]

Its amazing how much money switching to single frees up. When I split from my uBPDexw I didnt know what to do with the extra money. I was so used to going without so she could have whatever she wanted that my first ex free paycheck was a bit of a shock.

Im sure once you have your own place things will be so much better for you and your son. I noticed how much more relaxed my sons were at mine than me and their mum were together.

[Waddams]

Its amazing how much money switching to single frees up. When I split from my uBPDexw I didnt know what to do with the extra money. I was so used to going without so she could have whatever she wanted that my first ex free paycheck was a bit of a shock.

Im sure once you have your own place things will be so much better for you and your son. I noticed how much more relaxed my sons were at mine than me and their mum were together.

It certainly is.  I noticed it after my divorce.  Cutting loose the dead weight frees up a lot more than money too.

[jedimaster]

You too have the dreaded multiple-February-holiday disease.   My stbexw's birthday was today, and our anniversary is next Friday.  Unless we get drawn into a court battle it will be our last one.  She's an expert at putting on an obviously phony front, which is all the more ridiculous because when she wants to lie and get away with it, she can be virtually undetectable.  She's been at it all day long, saying all the right words with all the wrong body language and tone of voice.

One year we exchanged all our gifts for each other on Christmas Eve, then she went back through them all one by one and explained what was wrong with each one (wrong color, not thoughtful, didn't like, etc.). 

For the first time ever, though, I'm so over it.  Nothing she has said or done this year is making a dent.  My lawyer's appointment is day after tomorrow to draw up a settlement offer.  My son has an event on the 1st and I'm trying not to rock the boat until then.  But in the last few days "any time after the 1st" has morphed into "as soon as possible on the 2nd."  Hopefully I can hold out the two more weeks. 

I just keep telling myself that no matter what she says or does, or what nasty attitude she chooses, nothing I could say in reply could be a better comeback than handing her those papers.

[hope2727]

I really missed my guy on Valentines so I spent the money for his gift on a young friend. He is starting out in his profession and had been wishing for a messenger bag. So I went to a clearance place and found him a nice one for a reasonable price. He tried to refuse it but I explained that it made me so happy to do something nice for someone. It takes the sting out of not being with the ex. Hope you all felt some love on Valentines day.

[Waddams]

So last night was the first time there had been an opportunity to talk to her.  Such a stream of drivel.  Blame shifting, splitting, devaluation, selfishness, grandiosity, entitlement... .all on full display.  And seething anger that I won't engage with it all.

She just doesn't accept that I won't rise to the occasion and take the bait she's dangling out there for a fight.  She's supposed to be allowed to be angry about every kind of selfishness and I'm supposed to grovel and apologize, and if I don't do it, then she's gonna make me pay. 

I'll just continue to keep my distance and not engage in the nastiness.

[Deeno02]

$200.00 for me. Thank god! I spent 2 bills on her and all I got was a Blackhawks cup filled with Dark Chocolate Rasinets. Oh well.

[Loosestrife]

Definitely feeling better on my wallet 

[ADecadeLost]

It's crazy how much of a financial drain they can be.  My finances have gotten exponentially better since my ex-wife's departure.  Even after taking multiple trips in the last few months, and splurging on myself a few times (never used to do that), I've been amazed how my savings and stock portfolio have grown in the last 6 months. 

Between Christmas and the combined February holiday/money drain I had affectionately dubbed "valen-versary," I'm normally dipping into savings at this point in the year.  It's nice to be adding to it for a change.

[hope2727]

It's crazy how much of a financial drain they can be.  My finances have gotten exponentially better since my ex-wife's departure.  Even after taking multiple trips in the last few months, and splurging on myself a few times (never used to do that), I've been amazed how my savings and stock portfolio have grown in the last 6 months. 

Between Christmas and the combined February holiday/money drain I had affectionately dubbed "valen-versary," I'm normally dipping into savings at this point in the year.  It's nice to be adding to it for a change.

Its so true. I was completely broke by the time he left. Then he had the audacity to say "do you know how much it cost me to date you? all the dinners out and what not?"  For once I had the right reply. " Yes I do because I paid for 1/2 of everything and often more than half. So yes I know exactly what it cost."

I really hope things start to look up for us all soon. I am sick of thinking about all the harm he did. I want to start celebrating the good in my life again.