Finally in therapy but feel already gone

[Nicke]

My husband is undiagnosed but fits high functioning BPD with NPD traits exactly.  I started going to therapy as our relationship got worse and worse.  We've been together for 10+ years, have two children, 8 and 4.  We went through a series of isolating activities (he with kidney transplant, first pregnancy, moving away with no friends/family, second pregnancy) and now that kids are in school and I have some friends, the problems have emerged more and more, with accusations and negative interpretations about every move I make.  I always attributed it to him just being a negative person, but as I talked to therapist, she asked more questions and suggested that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  Of course I was shocked at how that described my situation so well.

Now that I have said I wouldn't be in this relationship at all if we didn't have children and so much invested, he has agreed to go to couples therapy.  It has come out that he is putting me through ridiculous interrogation, based unfounded accusations and interpretations.  He intellectually acknowledges this to a certain extent but maintains statements such as never having any choice in what we do, my never caring about him, etc., when in fact everything that happens centers around him to a great degree.

He has agreed to go to an individual therapist, but I'm not sure that will go very far.  He is always asking me now what I am doing to improve the relationship.  And when I try to explain how I'm trying to sensitively acknowledge his feelings and not be defensive, how I'm trying hard to make sure he knows what's going on around the house (I'm a teacher and home a lot more than he is), it's like pouring water into a cup with no bottom.

I feel like this cannot work as an intimate relationship, but I also want to give him the time to try.  However, these behavior issues have echoed throughout our relationship in smaller ways, and while he's always been able to, in calm moments, acknowledge that he has insecurities, nothing has changed.  Therapy has made things worse in terms of his constant monitoring of my activities, accusations that I am lying, etc.  Even if I stay around, I doubt I can be convinced that any perceived changes are true but rather desperate attempts to keep me around.

I'm also afraid to leave because of his fear of abandonment, how it will affect kids, etc.  But I know these cannot be reasons not to leave.  I already have planned to talk to my therapist about, well, exit strategies.  Just looking to see if anyone else has been at this point, with kids, and how you went forward/what happened.

Thanks for taking the time.

NS

[Lucky Jim]

Just looking to see if anyone else has been at this point, with kids, and how you went forward/what happened.

Hey Nicke, Sure, I've been in your situation, with kids and a marriage, as have many on this site, so you are not alone.  I can relate to the quandary you find yourself in and the stress you are under.  It's exhausting!  We're not here to tell you what to do; rather, this site is about finding the right path for YOU.  I stress you, because it's easy to neglect one's own needs and feelings in a BPD r/s.  We are here to help, so fill us in more when you can and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[lpheal]

I have not been there before, but I am in a similar place now. It is really difficult to know what to do and when, especially when there are children involved (which is also my case).

[Nicke]

I think the hardest thing is how much pressure I've put on myself to stay in a relationship and not put the kids through divorce.  It's easy to think I should just try harder.  But that has kept me in it for too long as it is.  I recognize about myself that I will let go much of my own needs and desires to keep the peace.  But I feel at my wits end with my SO and feel no romantic love for him whatsoever.  I care about him, of course, and I want the best for him, but my staying is only for the kids, not myself, and frankly, I'm not sure the kids wouldn't be better off.

So, let's assume I have decided to leave.  The big issue then becomes how to tell him.  I can't possibly anticipate all the problems I might have with it.  Sometimes I fantasize that he will be understanding.  But in the past, he's acted understanding but then within a few days has brought the full force of his self-absorption and fear of abandonment/rejection into play. 

So LuckyJim, or any of the others, how did you go about this?  Did your SO recognize any disorder or problem at all in her/himself?  Did you go to therapy together and/or individually for long?  It has taken my assertion that I really wouldn't be with him if not for the kids to get him to therapy.  He thinks our couples therapy is going nowhere even though the therapist has pointedly told him that he spends much of his time accusing me and suspecting me while I try to assure him of what is true.  I have been careful to check my reactions, show empathy, explain my view, trying not be defensive or upset by his accusations/interpretations, regardless of how ridiculous.  He has admitted to not trusting me, to being jealous of my other relationships, etc.  Now he wants to switch therapists, probably since now that he knows how it will go, he will take a different tact on revealing his thinking, then claim our first therapist was wrong.  He's quite clever and reasons well, but with wrong assumptions.

Unlike some people, I don't miss how we once were.  It was always a bit of a stretch.  Even if he changed, I don't think I can be happy in this relationship.  Too much has happened, too much that has left a bad taste in my mouth.  I am tired of dealing with his ups and downs, and I need stability in my life so I can actually live it for myself, too.

I wonder when I would tell the kids, too.  After we "talk" about it?  Before?  Kids are 4 and 8.  I've contemplated talking to the 8-year-old, but I don't want to do it prematurely.  I feel I need to continue in therapy for another month or two, maybe more.

Again, I appreciate so much your time and care.

N

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nicke, Reading that your H wants to change therapists makes me chuckle (not minimizing your situation at all), because my Ex went through numerous therapists both in individual and couples counseling.  Looking back, one can see her pattern of therapist-shopping as indicative of her unwillingness to take responsibility for her role in the breakdown of our marriage.  Whenever a T got around to holding her feet to the fire, so-to-speak, she didn't like it and made up an excuse for leaving that T.  So what I'm saying is that the scenario you describe is quite familiar to me.  Perhaps the two of you can find the right therapist, but suggest you be realistic about the process.  There is no magic bullet, sad to say.

Have more to say about parting ways, if you decide that is the right path for you.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

[Nicke]

Thanks LuckyJim.  Yes, I've decided to urge that we stay with the same T.  I feel he is a keen observer and good at holding up the mirror, so to speak.  H definitely wants out of that because of having his feet held to the fire.  And he has gotten angry and accusing in front of this T, something I bet he'd work really hard to control in front of another one.  We have also covered our history well in this one.

I'm decided.  I will leave.  I will be looking for a lawyer in the coming weeks and talking to my personal T about the strategy.  Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.


N

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nicke, Well, I would say that there's no "good time" to leave or to tell someone that it's over, particularly a pwBPD.  My BPDxW and I separated a few weeks before Christmas, which made for a lousy holiday, but I doubt any other time would have been that much better.  When the time is right to end things, in my view, you'll know.  Ideally both of you will tell the children together.  Your T will have ideas on how best to handle, I'm sure.

Perhaps I'm not the best guide because I stayed too long and reached a point where I had nothing left in the tank and really had no choice but to leave.  Things got so bad that my brother and two kind friends conducted an intervention on me.  Without their help, I doubt whether I would have had the strength to leave because I was so worn down after years of abuse.  I guess that's why I admire your strength and resolve to address your situation proactively, before more damage is done.

To the extent I can shed any additional light on the challenges that lie ahead of you, I'm happy to help.

LuckyJim