He can't stand silence...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all,

I've just found this site and I've spent the day feeling as though I've been reading my own history for the past year... .The behavior of my boyfriend so closely mimics what I've read from all of you, I'm astonished and I feel so much less alone... .

My BP boyfriend "spins out" regularly.  Normally, it seems to come out of nowhere... .At least that's how it feels to me.  He claims that I trigger him by overwhelming him with questions... .Talking too much about subjects that upset him... .Etc.  it's a whirlwind of anger and accusation, leaving me feeling incredibly bewildered and frightened... .I tend to fall silent because I want to measure my words carefully... .And I'm trying to adapt to this sudden change in his demeanor... .I'm trying to figure out the best thing to say, how best to manage this, latest outburst... .

Problem is, my silence seems to enrage him even more... .He claims that I leave him in silence, TORMENT him with silence when I know he can't stand long silences... .

Does anyone else's BP manifest in this way?  Rage at silence? They say you're doing it just to piss them off?

[Idesellenrof]

Hey all,

I've just found this site and I've spent the day feeling as though I've been reading my own history for the past year... .The behavior of my boyfriend so closely mimics what I've read from all of you, I'm astonished and I feel so much less alone... .

My BP boyfriend "spins out" regularly.  Normally, it seems to come out of nowhere... .At least that's how it feels to me.  He claims that I trigger him by overwhelming him with questions... .Talking too much about subjects that upset him... .Etc.  it's a whirlwind of anger and accusation, leaving me feeling incredibly bewildered and frightened... .I tend to fall silent because I want to measure my words carefully... .And I'm trying to adapt to this sudden change in his demeanor... .I'm trying to figure out the best thing to say, how best to manage this, latest outburst... .

Problem is, my silence seems to enrage him even more... .He claims that I leave him in silence, TORMENT him with silence when I know he can't stand long silences... .

Does anyone else's BP manifest in this way?  Rage at silence? They say you're doing it just to piss them off?

[Lucky Jim]

My BP boyfriend "spins out" regularly.  Normally, it seems to come out of nowhere... .At least that's how it feels to me.  He claims that I trigger him

Hey idesell, Welcome!  Sure, the dynamic you describe is quite typical for a BPD r/s.  A BPD storm cloud can arise out of a clear blue sky, as you note.  Because he is seeking a reaction from you, I can see how your silence might trigger a rage.  Does he goad and taunt you when you remain silent?  It so, that could be his way of manipulating you in order to cause you to engage with him.  You might want to check out the Tools (above) for possible strategies to lessen the conflict.  No, you are not alone in the BPD "soup"!

LuckyJim

[jrharvey]

Are you giving silent treatment? Does he try to talk and you ignore him?

It does sound like you have already started walking on eggshells and you probably have already realized that there seems to be no win. A common reaction when this happens is to completely shut down because every action causes a huge rage so we naturally think we should stop doing anything. This alone can also ironically cause a rage.

[eastbayrn]

I often feel the same way. Since discovering BPD and starting to attend Al-Anon, I have been trying to emotionally detach myself from my uBPD boyfriend. I have realized that in the past, I would constantly tell him nearly every thought going through my head. He would then in turn use my words/thoughts against me. I try to now create a healthy individuality; which comes off to him as a threat of changing the dynamic or abandonment. It is a fine line to walk. I have also noticed he doesn't like silence of any kind. He must be constantly stimulated with videos, music, or interaction of some sort. I cherish my alone time and silence more than ever!