Advice on Taking the lessons in & sorting it all out & living day to day - HOW?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am 9 weeks out. Bad ending - with me feeling finally that I couldn't take another single thing and just disappearing. I didn't mean to do it that way, I tried multiple times to end it like any other relationship; with kindness, with consideration, with finality. But we all know how hard that is.

I only came across this site at Christmas so have been educating myself, while living the rest of my life, for 5 or 6 months. I've been doing lots more reading here and realising, again, how dysfunctional that whole relationship was and how much I contributed. How, if I'd had more self-awareness, more stamina, more of the tools of Validation and SET, things might have been different - maybe - or at least not as damaging to me.

I made all the mistakes. Was codependent, reacted almost all the time, played the rescuer and the persecutor on the Karpman triangle, and finally a bit of the victim. Struggled mightily to put into play everything I had learned about myself and tried to learn more at warp speed; about myself, about the condition, about ways to manage such a relationship using the Tools. A big ask, too big for me right now.

In the end, it was so hurtful (and I did as much hurting in my own way, probably, as he did) that I just stopped communicating. It was heading that way, but I never said so because I'd done that so often and always ended up back in the throes. Each time it was worse as he was more angry, more cold. I can't take rejection or invalidation much better than he, as it turns out.

So I stopped, blocked him on most social networks, even blanked him completely one day when we met by accident. I felt bad about that but couldn't even find it in me to look at him. I wish I'd just managed a 'hi'. It took me hours to come up with the thought that he had also not managed a 'hi', but then we've to not expect to be met half-way, ever. I get that now.

What I am wondering now is how to disentangle everything. I understand it's a process and know all the stuff about being kind to oneself and giving ourselves time.

I find I am in constant flux. First I felt relieved and good for a few weeks, then a couple of weeks of depression (my GP prescribed anti-depressants, which was the nuclear solution to the problem and I didn't fill the prescription), and now just dipping in and out of this site and trying to come up with a plan for getting my life on track again.

I find my concentration and memory are poor, that I waste a lot of time somehow, and am just not getting things done. I am working on a big project and have a 2 year deadline and am not able to focus at all. I seem to think about nothing a lot of the time and am somehow not really taking in the things I am involved in - social stuff, work, etc.

I feel like I need a prescription for getting myself together. I know that this is more than the relationship; I've always been a bit lost - very enthusiastic at first and then just seem to lose the focus. I don't know if I just lack discipline or self-belief, ultimately, or what. I get it together in spurts and do things, see friends, go out, read & think about things I need to be reading & thinking about. But nothing seems to stick *in* me and I am capable of forgetting insights from week to week.

What are the baby steps I can take? I feel so overwhelmed with information and knowledge right now that I can't act.

Thank you for reading and any tips.

[VitaminC]

I am 9 weeks out. Bad ending - with me feeling finally that I couldn't take another single thing and just disappearing. I didn't mean to do it that way, I tried multiple times to end it like any other relationship; with kindness, with consideration, with finality. But we all know how hard that is.

I only came across this site at Christmas so have been educating myself, while living the rest of my life, for 5 or 6 months. I've been doing lots more reading here and realising, again, how dysfunctional that whole relationship was and how much I contributed. How, if I'd had more self-awareness, more stamina, more of the tools of Validation and SET, things might have been different - maybe - or at least not as damaging to me.

I made all the mistakes. Was codependent, reacted almost all the time, played the rescuer and the persecutor on the Karpman triangle, and finally a bit of the victim. Struggled mightily to put into play everything I had learned about myself and tried to learn more at warp speed; about myself, about the condition, about ways to manage such a relationship using the Tools. A big ask, too big for me right now.

In the end, it was so hurtful (and I did as much hurting in my own way, probably, as he did) that I just stopped communicating. It was heading that way, but I never said so because I'd done that so often and always ended up back in the throes. Each time it was worse as he was more angry, more cold. I can't take rejection or invalidation much better than he, as it turns out.

So I stopped, blocked him on most social networks, even blanked him completely one day when we met by accident. I felt bad about that but couldn't even find it in me to look at him. I wish I'd just managed a 'hi'. It took me hours to come up with the thought that he had also not managed a 'hi', but then we've to not expect to be met half-way, ever. I get that now.

What I am wondering now is how to disentangle everything. I understand it's a process and know all the stuff about being kind to oneself and giving ourselves time.

I find I am in constant flux. First I felt relieved and good for a few weeks, then a couple of weeks of depression (my GP prescribed anti-depressants, which was the nuclear solution to the problem and I didn't fill the prescription), and now just dipping in and out of this site and trying to come up with a plan for getting my life on track again.

I find my concentration and memory are poor, that I waste a lot of time somehow, and am just not getting things done. I am working on a big project and have a 2 year deadline and am not able to focus at all. I seem to think about nothing a lot of the time and am somehow not really taking in the things I am involved in - social stuff, work, etc.

I feel like I need a prescription for getting myself together. I know that this is more than the relationship; I've always been a bit lost - very enthusiastic at first and then just seem to lose the focus. I don't know if I just lack discipline or self-belief, ultimately, or what. I get it together in spurts and do things, see friends, go out, read & think about things I need to be reading & thinking about. But nothing seems to stick *in* me and I am capable of forgetting insights from week to week.

What are the baby steps I can take? I feel so overwhelmed with information and knowledge right now that I can't act.

Thank you for reading and any tips.

[JerryRG]

Hello VitaminC

The only thing I have to offer is hope, you have done the first and most important thing already, getting away from the person with BPD.

This journey ahead is painful and difficult but don't give up because pain and adversity can and usually do shape us into people we never dreamed we could be.

When you lose faith in yourself you can look to those here who have been right where you are now and have moved forward and are in a much better place.

There are traps along the way, thinking we are alone, unique or that our BPD partners are going to change.

These are all lies we will encounter and we just keep walking through them into the light of truth.

Without pain most of us will not be motivated to change, one day you will look back on these experiences and smile, knowing it was all meant for your good.

Trust you will be ok, you are not alone, you are not unique, people with BPD are that confusing and your life will be better than it ever was.

[heartandwhole]

Hi VitaminC,

I can understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. Especially when the realizations and information come thick and fast. This site has so many helpful resources and tools that one could very easily fall into overload. You are not alone.

You said it's your tendency to be a bit scattered in non-stressful times,  but I'm sure the grieving process is significantly influencing your inability to get things done. I felt like that, too. In fact, in the very beginning, when I had some time off work, I literally rested outside on a chair at the pool and let thoughts float through me for HOURS. I couldn't read anything, and could barely talk to people without tuning out. That phase passed, and it will for you, too.  

As for baby steps, here's one that you might try: every morning this week when you wake  up (even before you get out of bed or just as you sit up), give yourself at least 5 minutes to notice your breathing and feel your body. Just feel the physical sensations of having a body. If you have trouble, you can try latching onto a sense, e.g., hear the sound of your breathing coming in and going out. If you have trouble feeling in your body, focus on your left big toe and notice if you feel any sensations at all. The hands are another good part of the body to focus on, as it is often easier to feel sensations in them than other parts of the body.

Give yourself at least 5 minutes to just BE. To just feel what it is to be you, in your body. Just see what comes up, and if feelings surge through, or ruminating starts, that's ok and very normal. Just share your findings with us and we'll work on them together. There is no right or wrong way to be present, but in my experience, being present reveals so many treasures that can benefit us precisely during the times when we have trouble tuning into them. We just need to take that moment or two to listen and most importantly, feel.

If you are a regular meditator or yoga practitioner, this probably sounds very familiar. When I was in the beginning stages of my breakup grieving, though, I could not do my normal (formal) practices. This, I believe, is something any of us can do, even in tough times.

I'm sure others will have lots of good advice. Hang in there, VitaminC. It does get better.

heartandwhole

[seenr]

Vitaminc

when I read your post first, I have to say I felt a bit emotional as I identify with so much of what you write, not just today, going back 5 years. As you can see, the first couple of replies were excellent and again I commend the people on this board, as they always seem to have a good answer at the right time and above all else they help. That help is so difficult to find, I am glad I've found it.

Looking forward to sharing a journey with you.

[rfriesen]

I find my concentration and memory are poor, that I waste a lot of time somehow, and am just not getting things done. I am working on a big project and have a 2 year deadline and am not able to focus at all. I seem to think about nothing a lot of the time and am somehow not really taking in the things I am involved in - social stuff, work, etc.

VitaminC, so much of what you say expresses perfectly things I've been feeling as well. I'll focus on the part I quoted above, because it has caused me a lot of frustration myself. It's bad enough dealing with the pain and heartache, but feeling so unfocused and unmotivated for work and other activities ... .just compounds everything and makes me feel like I can't find any traction in life right now.

Jerry and heartandwhole give some great advice. I have to agree that the most important thing for me was finally to accept that I needed time each day just to feel, not to spin my feelings this way or that. I tend to over-analyse, to try to reach a conclusion about what I'm feeling, what happened in the relationship, to "get the interpretation right" and feel "settled". I guess I try to fix and calm down my feelings by thinking things through. With this break-up and aftermath, I finally surrendered to the idea that the work is going to go the other way -- I have to deal with my feelings in order to get my thinking to settle down. I have to let myself feel whatever comes, accept it, while remembering that I've made the final decision to keep moving on from the damaging relationship, and now slowly my thinking has started to calm down and become more balanced as a result of letting my feelings wash over me until they started to ebb a little. They still come in waves (I'm three and a half months out) but no longer the kind of storm that makes me lose all perspective -- or at least not so often.

And as for actually focusing on reading and work ... .I've had to accept that I'm not just going to wake up one of these days and have regained the ability to sit down for three or four hours at a time of solid concentration and productivity. Right now I'm trying to squeeze out a few more good minutes each day. I can see it's going to be a long process, just like any other process of getting back in shape after letting something completely slide.

Also, although you no doubt have heard it many times, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself. This is something I have to keep relearning. I'm hurting a lot and I care deeply because I love my ex and I can't just stop caring and loving for someone who meant so much. That's a positive quality. I don't want to beat myself up for that. Like you, there are things I would do differently if I could go back in time. But I tried, I cared, I loved, and I still do. And now I'm struggling. At first, I was putting so much pressure on myself to get back on track with work and life. The pressure doesn't help. At least it didn't help me. Accept that you're having trouble focusing, do what you can to focus a little more each day, but be kind and compassionate with yourself when you find that hard to do. Just speaking from my experience, there simply is no short cut to patiently working through your feelings and letting your feelings work through you.

[rfriesen]

What are the baby steps I can take? I feel so overwhelmed with information and knowledge right now that I can't act.

This. I want to add that I can really relate to this feeling. My advice is, just accept that you don't have to act right now. You don't have to absorb all that information and knowledge. I'm not trying to sound zen or mystical. It took a real revolution in my own mind to focus on feelings and self-observation, rather than thinking and taking action. We're so programmed to learn and take action. Our brains are problem-solving machines. The thing is, the relationship experiences we've had that have brought us here, they tend to kick the brain into overdrive, desperately looking for solutions that probably aren't there for us to find. Once we've made the decision to step back, step away, and take care of ourselves, then we need to let the brain and its desperate search for solutions calm down for a while. We need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling, turn our observation inward for a while, and slowly try to return to healthier activities and relationships.

Again, this is all, of course, based only on my own experience and what I've learned from observing and listening to others, but for what it's worth, my advice would be not to stress "understanding" and "taking action". To the extent possible, observe your feelings with genuine curiosity and self-compassion and don't worry about solving them.  

[VitaminC]

Everyone,

Thank you very much for the support and you thoughtful and and helpful advice. The couple of you that said 'You are not alone', just so know, made me tearful. I guess this kind of break-up is a very lonely experience, because so few friends in the 'real' world can understand that there is something particular about this kind of relationship. It tears deep wounds in the self and then when the soul is left open like a body on a dissecting table, both parties walk away and the repair work is massive and done in isolation, or that's how it feels.

There are traps along the way, thinking we are alone, unique or that our BPD partners are going to change.

These are all lies we will encounter and we just keep walking through them into the light of truth.

Thank you for saying that, Jerry. I need to keep hearing it.

I can understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. Especially when the realizations and information come thick and fast. This site has so many helpful resources and tools that one could very easily fall into overload. You are not alone.

I couldn't read anything, and could barely talk to people without tuning out. That phase passed, and it will for you, too. 

Wow, yes, that's how it is. I am overloaded, and can barely focus at all and some days interactions just wear me out - and I am a complete extrovert - I have always been energized by being around people. And now I suddenly need a nap after a couple of hours in someone's company, and some company I want to get away from within 10 minutes. It doesn't feel like me at all!

As for baby steps, here's one that you might try: every morning this week when you wake  up (even before you get out of bed or just as you sit up), give yourself at least 5 minutes to notice your breathing and feel your body. Just feel the physical sensations of having a body. If you have trouble, you can try latching onto a sense, e.g., hear the sound of your breathing coming in and going out. If you have trouble feeling in your body, focus on your left big toe and notice if you feel any sensations at all. The hands are another good part of the body to focus on, as it is often easier to feel sensations in them than other parts of the body.

That is excellent. I will try it. I keep thinking I have to meditate to medicate , but trying to do something I've never done just feels like another thing I've to learn how to do! I think I can manage this much.

when I read your post first, I have to say I felt a bit emotional as I identify with so much of what you write, not just today, going back 5 years.

Looking forward to sharing a journey with you.

Oh, thank you! It feels good to know that someone identifies with what I (deep down)  think are only my experiences- even though I've read so much here that resonates and could have been written by me!  Thank you for reminding me it's a journey and that I'm not stumbling along the path in the wrong shoes and no raingear and no sandwiches all by myself. Maybe someone else will give me half their sandwhich. Does anyone know how to spell sandwiche?

I tend to over-analyse, to try to reach a conclusion about what I'm feeling, what happened in the relationship, to "get the interpretation right" and feel "settled". I guess I try to fix and calm down my feelings by thinking things through.



Accept that you're having trouble focusing, do what you can to focus a little more each day, but be kind and compassionate with yourself when you find that hard to do. Just speaking from my experience, there simply is no short cut to patiently working through your feelings and letting your feelings work through you.

Yes, that's me too, using my brain is something I'm good at, at the expense of other things I could be using. I had learned how to integrate more sides of myself before I embarked on this relationship and slowly it all unraveled until I'm nearly as bad at knowing what I feel and think as he.   Right, no shortcuts, patience, compassion, slowness, not so much thinking.   Be quiet, brain, shush!

My advice is, just accept that you don't have to act right now. You don't have to absorb all that information and knowledge.

We need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling, turn our observation inward for a while, and slowly try to return to healthier activities and relationships.

To the extent possible, observe your feelings with genuine curiosity and self-compassion and don't worry about solving them. 

Very, very good advice. Thank you for saying I don't have to act! I feel an enormous pressure to act, not just with specific regard to this but to other projects I have to be working on.   Maybe if I make a list of things that are immediately required of me and things that can hold on for a while?   My brain is so foggy a lot of the time.

I know it will get better! Deep down, I do know that.   Thank you very much, all! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey VitaminC, Yes, it will get better, and no, you are not alone!  I suggest that you focus on taking good care of yourself, as you would a friend or family member who has been through an ordeal.  Be kind to and patient with yourself.  Practice self-love and self-acceptance, which is harder than it sounds.  Embrace your feelings as part of who you are.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity.  Become who you are, at your core.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim