New Here, Mother with severe BPD

[Outlier]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on a site like this. I have never met anyone who understands BPD or who has experience dancing around this mental illness while trying to keep loving the person suffering from it. My mother has gotten worse and worse over the years and I have run out of ideas on how to care for her. As terrible as it makes me sound, I can barely handle having her in my life anymore but her life is constantly at risk so I stick around out of obligation to her as my mother. I have other siblings as well and my youngest sibling is still living part time with her since he is still in highschool and both parents have shared custody. He is the only one who can reach her when she is in a state of deep depression and pushes the rest of us away. Lately she has been in and out of the psych ward again with suicide attempts or threats. Has anyone had a similar experience? I would be particularly interested in ideas to help my little brother who feels solely responsible for her wellbeing. He is 7 years younger than the second youngest and at 17 years old that leaves him as the only one left in her metaphorical nest. She has always been nicest to him and kept him close, coddling him as her "baby" yet relying on him for more emotional support than he can provide. Since I was the scapegoat child for her anger growing up there is little I can do as far as direct interference since she has believed that my motives were always evil since I was 9 years old. She lacks trust for me and I don't know how I can help him without triggering her negative moods, making things worse for him. She is living on disability and the child support she receives for my brother and he cannot afford therapy. I also do not make enough money to financially support him going to therapy. are there any free services that I can help get him into. I fear that she will eventually be successful in her attempts at suicide and that he will blame himself for not being able to stop her. I can barely manage my own emotions when it comes to her and I can't imagine how terribly this is affecting his emotional stability since he does not talk about it to anyone and is extremely defensive on her behalf. I don't push him and mostly none of us really want to talk about it, my other two siblings included, but he's alone in that apartment with her more often than we ever were since the rest of us are 2 years apart. We at least had each other.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any discussion this may incite.

[Ambitious202]

Hi there,
I'm new here as well, after recenlt discovering my other also has BPD-in regards to your situation-this has to be incredibly difficult for you to sit by and watch. I found in my situation, the only way to get away from my mothers issues and negativity and controlling ways, was to move out and remove her from any access and control to my finances. Now, your brother being 17-does that mean hes going off to college in the near future? If he thinks hes responsible for your mothers well being, he desperately needs to be enlightened that he is not responsible-therapy or even a local support group-I did catch that you said money would be an issue-does he have health insurance that would help to pay-or the support groups either local or online are usually free. I can relate to him as I was the youngest in my family. My mother looked to me for emotional stability and to have someone to bring into her circle of misery-as soon as I went to college and expressed my adult freedom things got worse, but not living with her allowed me to escape her arguments and negativity. Your brother cant continue feeling as though hes responsible, I would seek some sort of professional intervention-you mentioned she was hospitalized, I'm sure without giving specifics about your mothers condition and violating HIPA regulations, the drs could at least explain to him that he has no bearing on whats happening with her.

Hope that helps:)

[Pale Shelter]

Hi Outlier,

Welcome! I'm glad you've found online support. I wish I had some advice or experience to relate that could be useful, but I'm still finding my way. I can say that with a npd father who made it clear he would and did commit suicide and a BPD mother who threatened for years, it's a terrible state of fear to live in. I can relate to so much of what you're going through. The only tangible things I can say that I know to be true are:

1) you're not crazy and clearly are a deeply loving person.

2) therapists have very little experience treating BPD let alone relatives of those with BPD. Books and these websites are typically more useful so don't worry too much about not being able to afford therapy for you or your siblings. Buy them books! Let them read them for themselves and come to their own conclusions.

3) In 2011, when my father committed suicide and during the first year that followed, an already traumatic life reached a whole new level. It was terrible and scary and I still have to work hard to stay sane let alone healthy some days, but life has gone on and gotten better. I still have to struggle to manage my relationship with the BPD mom and the fall out of an estranged sibling, etc., but my life and the life I built for my son is healthy and really pretty great. I did it one step at a time. One painstaking, heart-wrenching, healthy choice at a time. Hopefully, you won't go through a parental suicide, but I just want to say that, even when the worst happens, things can get better. Your life doesn't have to be defined by your parents BPD.

Well wishes for peace and happiness,
Pale Shelter