broke nc

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. I stupidly broke nc last night. I am at my best friends wedding out of the country... .one she should be at. I sent a message saying I know she has a new guy and she should be here. It's weird. The more time that passes the more surreal it all feels. We got along great there were no actual problems besides the ones she created. It doesn't make sense. I can't grasp why someone would take something so amazing and just ruin it to the point of no return. So many lies and likely cheating for what? It makes no sense. I have alot of opportunity to be with other girls and I don't want to at all. I want her. 5 years of history and effort just gone. She claims our relationship ship was unhealthy and toxic but the thing is if that's true it's because of her. I mean how can anything be good if you lie and make life impossible? Now I'm dreading her response. If she says nothing I lose. If she denies it I lose if she says yes there is another guy I lose.

[Venny]

Hi all. I stupidly broke nc last night. I am at my best friends wedding out of the country... .one she should be at. I sent a message saying I know she has a new guy and she should be here. It's weird. The more time that passes the more surreal it all feels. We got along great there were no actual problems besides the ones she created. It doesn't make sense. I can't grasp why someone would take something so amazing and just ruin it to the point of no return. So many lies and likely cheating for what? It makes no sense. I have alot of opportunity to be with other girls and I don't want to at all. I want her. 5 years of history and effort just gone. She claims our relationship ship was unhealthy and toxic but the thing is if that's true it's because of her. I mean how can anything be good if you lie and make life impossible? Now I'm dreading her response. If she says nothing I lose. If she denies it I lose if she says yes there is another guy I lose.

[gotbushels]

Hi Venny  

I stupidly broke nc last night.

Many of us have been here. Some of us do some things you might consider silly. It's normal to miss our exs. I encourage you to try not to be so unkind to yourself.

I mean how can anything be good if you lie and make life impossible?

Some people don't think the way you might. It's hard to make general rules about another person's thoughts.

Now I'm dreading her response. If she says nothing I lose. If she denies it I lose if she says yes there is another guy I lose.

And if she says something else? With respect to you, I feel it's not kind for you to put yourself in this sort of situation.

I hope you get some rest.

[C.Stein]

Now I'm dreading her response. If she says nothing I lose. If she denies it I lose if she says yes there is another guy I lose.

So do you see the value of NC with respect to your healing?

I certainly understand the desire to contact, to make some sense of it all, to be heard.  I must have written a hundred texts that I never sent ... .why?  First because she asked me not to text her anymore but more importantly it wouldn't do any good.  Sending those texts would have just piled on to the pain I was already feeling. 

[once removed]

a few of the things we advise on the Saving board is not to over pursue, chase, pour your heart out, etc.

why? well, at least one reason in addition to effecting the best outcome in that case (trying to revive the relationship), is to maintain your dignity. odds are these efforts will compound the sense of loss and desperation to understand, be heard, whatever the motive is. our exes generally cant provide that for us. odds are also that further down the road, you may be prone to beating yourself up over it. im especially prone to that. with most of my exes, i put my heart on the line, sought answers, while my exes detached and i felt worse. years later i still cringe a bit when i think about it. with my uBPDex i had a strong support system in my friends and family, who frequently reiterated the notion that "silence is golden". they reminded me i always had the ability to contact my ex and do/say whatever i wanted, but i had the option not to; that i probably wasnt in the best place to do it now, and that i may not want to in the future. i typed romantic letters, angry letters, bounced ideas off my friends and family probably a hundred times, but i kept silent, and i have no regrets in that regard.

try to delay the instant gratification, the paralyzing urgency. it gets easier.

[fromheeltoheal]

It doesn't make sense.

Nope, mental illness doesn't make sense.  One thing that may help, it helped me a lot, is to dig into the clinical side of the disorder; once I did that I understood why she does what she does, didn't make it OK but it did make it understandable, important to me, and also made it abundantly clear that what I wanted in a relationship could never happen with her.  It's early for you Venny, and an added benefit of educating yourself at this point is it would give you something productive to focus on.

 

I can't grasp why someone would take something so amazing and just ruin it to the point of no return.

So many lies and likely cheating for what?

She claims our relationship ship was unhealthy and toxic but the thing is if that's true it's because of her.

I mean how can anything be good if you lie and make life impossible?

I want her.[/quote]
And something else to look at, as you move forward, is to start to focus on why you would want to be with someone who ruins it to the point of no return, lies, likely cheats, is toxic and makes life impossible.  I know exactly what that feels like, as do the rest of us, and as you slowly shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future there are valuable lessons in your own personal growth to see what that desire is, what the drive is, to want to be with someone like that.  All part of detaching, and using the pain as motivation can catapult you to levels of personal growth you may not have reached any other way, the good news really, the gift of the relationship, which you may agree with eventually as you walk that path.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

I stupidly broke nc last night.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.