Dumped by girlfriend (possibly BPD)

[Bokeh]

Hi everybody, It's great to be here and finally make a little sense of the situation that I'm in. I posted my story on the newbie forum and the advisor suggested that I post it here so here goes... .

Hi everybody. I was recently dumped by my girlfriend after a year and a half rollercoaster relationship and after talking to a friend who's ex husband had BPD and then reading posts on here I am convinced that she was a sufferer. I'll try my best to explain the situation (is a pretty crazy one!)

I'm a photographer and a model friend of mine said that she knew a girl who was looking into getting into modelling and also she needed a place to stay for a week or two and could she stay in my spare room. I said yes and she moved in.

I'm 27 and she was 18 and when we met I had no intention in the slightest of becoming involved with her. She was a nightmare and completely unpredictable and after talking to her it was revealed that she had been prostituting since she was 16 and conning various men into giving her money but we became great friends due to similar interests.

She'd always come into my room at night and climb into bed with me naked but due to the age difference I wasn't interested in being anything but friends with her and wanted to look after her as she was sweet but very troubled.

After a while of being friends we fell completely head over heels in love and she stayed at mine for another year and although she was troubled I did everything in my power (including losing friends, going into major financial difficulties and having the police round my flat twice because of her screaming at me.)

She did numerous terrible things in that time and I always forgave her as I understood that she wasn't mentally stable and wanted to see her get better. She'd act up in front of my friends and even my family but again I forgave her.

Eventually she decided to move out and go to the home (200 miles away) that she had ran away from when she was 16 and although this was excruciatingly painful after sacrificing so much to be with her. I understood that she needed to do it and we carried on a long distance relationship which was every bit as up and down.

Half a year later she says that she wants to move back to my town to pursue her modelling career and couldn't wait to be together again when all of a sudden two days later (this was a week ago) she phones me up and tells me that she's not in love with me and doesn't want a relationship with me but can we be friends. Again after all I have sacrificed for her this hurt far too much to bear.

I suggested that we break off contact for a bit but she emailed me three days later asking if I was ok, I said that I missed her and she said that she missed me too and had dreamt about me. I sent her an email saying that I respect her decision to break up with me although I am in incredible pain and that I love her uncondionally and that either she is willing to give things another go as it was clear that we both missed each other or we don't speak for a while and that I;m going to need time to deal with my feelings.

She replied with a text saying "Can we really not be friends?" and I sent her angry texts as she ignored my wishes to be given some time. She told me to move on but she loves me and is always there for me. I sent a text apologizing in the morning for reacting angrily and that again I understood and respected that she doesn't want a relationship anymore. She sent me a text later that night saying that she was lonely and if I ever felt lonely she was there for me. I said thanks and asked why she was lonely to which she replied "I'm not, not anymore. I'll always be with you." and since then she has been texting me as normal like she did when we were together.

Phew! Apologies for the length of the post but It's a difficult situation and I have been as economical with words as I could. Is there any way of getting back with her, I want to look after her and help her get better and everyone around her said that I was good for her and that she was very lucky to have someone as supportive as me around and I am absolutely heartbroken without her... .

Since then she started texting me as if things were normal again and ranting about how she was depressed because her hair looked ginger and today she texted me 5 times to see if I was there and had she lost me as a friend. So I said that I'm not friends with her as I am still in love with her and would she mind if we didn't speak for a couple of weeks to which she (surprisingly lucidly!) replied "I understand completely. Constantly remind yourself of how wonderful you are. And be careful. Take care of yourself and text me as soon as you're ready to talk as I miss speaking to you. Best friends forever and always."

I'm going no contact with her for a couple of weeks now, do you think that there is any chance that she will come back to me?

Thanks so much for reading!

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[Cloudy Days]

My question for you is, she is so clearly mentally unstable, you may be good for her but is she good for you? I know it is very hard to let them go, I'm on this board because I haven't been able to let my husband go. Not that I have tried yet. Are you reasons for wanting to get back with her because you are lonely and you want someone to take care of, or do you want to feel needed?

I for one would never have signed up for my marriage if I had known it was going to me taking care of him. I'm just saying, don't sell yourself short, there could be someone out there that doesn't need taking care of, that you could live your life with and be happy. True happiness may never happen with this girl, because of the BPD qualities.

[Bokeh]

Thanks for reply Cloudy and sorry to hear about what you are going through with your husband.

I see where you are coming from and you are right, there is definitely some truth in that but I guess also I do truly think that she is a wonderful person at heart and although I have been in many flings in the past I truly never thought that I would connect with someone like that. I really miss her terribly

[Cloudy Days]

I understand the feeling, My husband can be the most passionate and caring person some days, I truly have felt a connection with him. One thing I have learned on this board though is that most of the people who get together with someone with BPD have their own issues that they are battling, it is certainly true for me. That makes them want to cling to the person with BPD or at least makes it harder to let them go. It's easy to look at the other person and say, you need help, I can help you and be there for you and help you get better. But the only person that can really do that is her. It's best to focus on yourself in times like this. The only reason I suggested you look more into yourself is because you said this.

I want to look after her and help her get better and everyone around her said that I was good for her and that she was very lucky to have someone as supportive as me around and I am absolutely heartbroken without her... .

While it's all good that you want to help her, its not really a great reason to want to be in a relationship with someone, just so you can help them. At some point you are going to feel short changed, because she's not going to give back as much as you are going to. Even if she does come back to you, she may break it off several more times.

So my suggestion is to work on you and try and find something fun to do to get your mind off things. She may come back, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. No one can answer that but her.

[Bokeh]

Thanks Cloudy I appreciate your reply. There is definitely some truth in what you are saying. Funnily enough what makes this feel so bad is that in my life I have been through a lot of real issues with insecurity and have a major learning difficulty, had eating disorders, drug problems, various addictions and major depression.

For the couple of years before we met I had all of those sorted out, was confident and had a great social life and things were really looking up for me and life felt amazing, a lot of people even said that I was an inspiration to them and that they wished they were as confident and strong as I was (which I found bemusing!) . When I did fall in love with her this made me feel even better and the reason I wanted to help her so much is that I myself suffered with many of the issues that she is suffering with in the past and I wanted to show her that things can change and I knew that deep down inside there was a brilliant confident person buried under all that blackness.

I guess that this breakup has opened up all of those old wounds although I do feel that I benefited from the relationship greatly in a healthy way as even when I was dealing with her behaviour I had the strength not to let it get to me in the long run and always bounced back

[Bokeh]

And was able to see the great person that was underneath all of her problems.