Finally posting without a rage moment going on

[Sadgirl92]

I usually post here frantic and sad and hurt. Freaking out because my child with BPD is freaking out. But, I will post today which is a quiet day. When quiet days happen I brace myself for the storm. I worry constantly when it's going to happen again. What's the next big blowup. I think what can I do? How is this going to change? Then I sit and stew about the things my daughter has said and done and I get angry. Very Angry, but mostly sad and defeated.
I have read the BPD books and applied the setup rules and the boundaries and it's like talking to a wall. I don't know if my daughter is a genius or what, but she twists my words so much that I don't know what to say next. I'm become stuck. So, those books just don't help. There's just not enough info out there about BPD yet, I assume.
I've seen the rise of ppl talking about their lives with BPDs and they all seem very pissed. Seems like we are all going through the same hell, but no clear way to get through life living with one. 
So, what can I do? She's certainly not going to get help from a doctor because she claims she's not the one with the problem. She has no friends, mad at all her family members, no job, basically no life, yet still won't stop and take a look around and think... .___ I need help. The one thing that actually works, that stops her straight In her tracks is Ativan. It's like POOF the rage is gone and she can relax.  It it is very hard to get that medication. Doctors don't want to prescribe it since it is a narcotic. If it works and they are saving families and her a life of hell why won't they just prescribe it? Of course mixed with mandatory counseling. I have even thought about going myself and practically beg for the meds so she can start some kind of regimen. Anyone have experience with this? Do you think it will work?   Thanks for hearing me

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Wanttounderstand]

Sad Girl - Ativan and DBT counseling do help. It's getting your daughter to go that is the hard part. We have tried paying for college in return for going to DBT counseling and also opposite; which was taking everything away until she agreed to go. Taking everything away did not work. Paying college tuition did work for a couple of months, and I could see progress, but then she quit. She was also prescribed the Ativan so she could focus and study. That at least kept her talking to her psychiatrist once a month for refills.

[Wanttounderstand]

Sorry, I woke up this morning and realized the medication that slows my daughter down and helps her focus and study is Adderall not Ativan.

[Kwamina]

Hi Sadgirl92

Yes it's the Board Parrot again

... .it's like talking to a wall. I don't know if my daughter is a genius or what, but she twists my words so much that I don't know what to say next.

I think it's important to keep in mind that sometimes not talking is the best strategy as illustrated by these two techniques:

Stopping and preventing circular arguments --> Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Dealing with hostile or otherwise unpleasant communications --> Keep it BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly as in civil), Firm

"To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
... .
Instead, it is recommended that on any given issue, state your point of view once and once only. Provide any clarifications that are asked for. Anything more than this is likely to be counter productive.

This is not to suggest that you should say nothing at all or back down in an argument. It is critical to take whatever action is necessary so that you, and any children under your care, can live in a safe, happy, healthy and productive environment. It's just not that necessary to talk very much about it."

Also concerning boundaries, they don't necessarily have to be communicated verbally. You do not have to talk about your boundaries, you can also express your boundaries nonverbally through your actions.

How are things today?

[Sadgirl92]

It’s been over 90 days and I’m right back where I was from day one. But now I want to kick her out. She’s gotten worse and my parents can’t take it anymore either. I love with my parents because financially it helps and I love my parents. I want to live with them. I enjoy them. We tried kicking her out but she tricked us and said she would find an apartment, but she didn’t like the apartment she chose. So now she says she wants to travel.
That ain’t gonna happen. There’s so much to say that has happened my brain hurts. I’m missing work due to stress. Probably will lose my job from all this. I just want her to get away from me. But then I feel sorry for her. But then I want her to leave me alone.  I’m losing my damn mind. What the heck am I going to do?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Sadgirl,

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. You've been through so much.

Have you read about FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt? https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

It's so easy to get sucked up by those emotions and let them rule our lives. I bet everyone on this board has been there, I certainly have. But this is how we allow our BPD loved ones to control us. Read that article and the tips to change and let us know what you think.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

HB:  I just wanted to say you are a gem among us.  ... .always getting us on the skills part of dealing with this... .thank you.

sadgirl:  I'm with you... .everything you posted, I could have posted, too.  I don't live with my parents... .but now my BPD daughter does, and ironically, she prefers to be there, so she is choosing to be cooperative and work with my mother, who helps keep her moving in the right direction.  Since she's so combative with me, we never did well together.  I am not jealous, just happy to see her working with someone and concerned about my parents, since I am not sure how my daughter holds it together nonstop, or if she even is... .and if she's not, I'm not hearing about it... .so I dont know exactly how things are going... .but they seem to be doing pretty good, certainly my daughter is on a much better track overall than she has been.