My D has BPD traits, I want my life back, time to do things differently

[Jnel921]

Hello All,

My adult D who will be 21 this year was diagnosed with BPD traits in 2016. She has had many issues over the past 7 years and was originally diagnosed as objective defiance disorder. But over the years it seemed to get worse and worse. My daughter has been in and out of my home for the past year and a half.

She blames me for all of her life's drama and is an emotional mess. I started reading Stop walking on eggshells and decided to join this message board as I do feel like a lot of what I go through is bottled up inside. I just started seeing a therapist to help coach me through my relationship with her and help me in dealing with her. Right now my D is staying with her BF in his mother's apt. He is 23 and a bum. I believe he has a mental disorder too. He has totally rejected us and disrespects us all of the time. We want nothing to do with him and restricted out D's use of our car as he was smoking in it and burned cigarette holes in my seats on purpose. He has smashed my car keys and threatened physical harm to me and this is ok with my D.

Her restriction with our car was to use it to go to work only and if the BF wanted to see her afterwards they could figure it out on their own. But as time went on and they had their own drama she would demand I allow her to use the car to go see him and I would say no and she would have a fit, scream, yell, slam doors and call me all the disrespectful names you could imagine.

She doesn't respect me and has threatened me too. She comes home when she needs to use a car to go to work and that is about it. Every other part of the day and the weekends she stays with him. At this point I don't want her living here and using us. She talks about going to esthetics school in the summer and expects me to pay for it. She has done nothing to deserve or earn anything.

There is no use speaking to her about anything she does wrong or how she breaks my rules. She ignores everything I say. She will stay away a week at a time and claim she wants to be home and 2 days later will stay out again. I am 50 and my health has deteriorated over the years because of her behavior. My H who is her SF and also a police officer feels defeated with how she is and how she doesn't care about our feelings in regards to her behavior, language and marijuana use which we discovered during her last year of HS. I took her to rehab and it was a waste of time and my life.

After reading some of the book I realized that I have wasted a lot of time and need to start thinking about the future differently. My D hasn't called me to come home yet, but I expect that day to be soon. How do I get off of this sickening merry go round? I do want my life back but not sure how to do that yet.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Jnel921.  Let me be the first to welcome you.  You couldn't have come to a better place to let off some of that steam that is bottled up inside you. 

I am much farther along in this journey than you... .now in my mid-70's... .our daughter is 52... .we've been in the trenches with her for 40 years now.  Long time, huh?   At one time my health was in jeopardy, too.  I was the victim.  My daughter was the bully.

I shake my head when I think of all we went through before we said enough is enough!  We've helped her financially, emotionally (3 different partners) and were surrogate parents to our grandchildren as the drama of divorces and custody battles swirled around them.

As with every Newbie I connect with on/in this forum, I so urge you to start looking after yourself.   Until you nip it in the bud, the disrespect shown to you by your daughter will only escalate... .and that goes for the boyfriend, too. 

Your daughter is not entitled to share any of your resources... .your money, your car, whatever.  She is now 21, an adult, and she has a job.  Your daughter is not about to change her ways.  Why should she?  It is going to be up to you to make changes.

It is good to read that you are seeing a therapist.  Already you have done some homework by reading up on the disorder... .and there is so much more here to help you along the way.  Believe me, Jnel921, it will be baby steps to start with but as you start feeling more and more empowered, the steps get bigger. 

Hope you keep posting.  Lots of support for you here.

Huat

[Jnel921]

Thanks Huat... .

40 years is a long time. I am not sure if I could endure that. Hopefully I can detach from my D and I wont have to deal with her issues as the time goes by. I honestly do not want her to look to me to support her financially or take care of any kids should she have any. I have been clear about wanting to retire one day in peace.

I cant see spending everything I have saved to bail her out of an issue. I want her to know that whatever problems she has she will have to deal with the consequences too. I guess at 50 I feel like I have dealt with so much over time I just don't want to do this anymore. It has to stop.

Your D is only a few years older than me. Did time or self reflection do anything to help change her? Are you enjoying your golden years as you should? Honestly I am afraid to be on a lifetime rollercoaster.

[Huat]

Hello again Jnel921

You ask if I am enjoying my golden years.  Yes, now I am.  I am finally allowing myself to enjoy what life has to offer. 

You also ask if time or self-reflection did anything to help change my daughter.  No.  To her credit, though, she has gone to many counsellors over the years but seems none have been able to give her the validation she constantly seeks.   Sadly, we are currently in another period of no contact... .one of many that have happened over the years.  Each one was instigated by her... .except this one. 

A professional warned us that her escalating verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  My clock is ticking and I will get less and less able to defend myself if the unthinkable would ever happen.  With that in mind, the day came when she crossed a line... .hit a new low.   Eventually yet another apology came and it was accepted... .but... .she was told that the next time we meet would be in a counsellor's office.  That sent her into a real rage.  Whatever!  I'm holding my ground on this one and... .I am okay!

Notice that I changed from using the word "we" to using the word "I".   Her anger, when it comes, has always been directed at me, her Mom.   In her eyes, her father is faultless.   Because of that, we've suffered a few cracks in this 55+ year marriage but our glue is holding.

You also write... ."40 years is a long time.  I am not sure if I could endure that."  Nor should you!  Had I got my act together earlier, it would not have been that long for me, either.  I had lost all confidence in myself, doubted the job I had done as a Mom.  I didn't respect myself so how could I expect it from anyone else... .that "anyone else" being my daughter?

So, Jnel921, if you want changes to happen, you are the one who is going to have to make them.  Be prepared that there may be a lot of fallout and things may still not turn out the way you want them to... .but... .that is what happens in all aspects of life... .and we move on.  The feeling of being empowered, though, can be a life-changer. 

I write again that I am so glad that you have a therapist, someone who can act as a sounding board for you... .and... .you have this wonderful community of supporters.   

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi jnel921  

I'd like to join Huat in welcoming you. I hear you, you are exhausted, your daughter's behaviour, choices has taken it's toll on you. The good news as Haut says is we can get off the emotional rollercoaster, step out of the drama, the conflict and it does involve making changes and I can see you've been working hard at setting boundaries, she's been busting. I'm glad you have engaged a therapist for support and you've support of the wonderful parents here too  

You are doing all the right things jnel921, when our current approach is not working, change it   lesson 2.

This bpdfamily has changed my life, you'll see many here say that, welcome on board  

Small steps, we are here for you.

WDx

[Jnel921]

Thank you for the support. I actually woke up today feeling better than I have for a while. Maybe its because I feel I have found a place where I am not alone and from reading the other posts I cant believe how similar the stories are.

Huat... .I actually am starting to feel that fear that something other than verbal abuse can happen. I think this is why I am reacting and have sought therapy and have talked to my H about doing more to protect ourselves. It just seems crazy that I am doing this because of my own flesh and blood.

I have 2 children. My son who is 22 is currently serving in the armed forces and is away on Active Duty and my 20 year old who turns 21 in September. Both children were raised the same and my S I have to say is a dream. You would think my fears and concerns would be geared more towards my S as he is in constant danger everyday. But those concerns are always with my D.

Over the years we tried to help her. She barely passed in school. Always by the skin of her teeth. I believe I was the most familiar face in the HS when my D went as she got in trouble often. They tried to help me with her and at the end of the day after graduation it didn't. She went to community college for a year. During that time she spent more time at the student center and hanging out then going to school. In 2016 she said she wasn't interested in going to college and wanted to go to esthetics school as she is a talented make up artist.

We agreed to enroll her in Dec 2016. The school was about a half hour away and we bought a car so that she could drive there. Her first week she was told she couldn't attend because she had contracted ringworm on her face when she went to a gym with a guy she had just started dating. So while she could not go to school she claimed she had a job at Panera Bread at the town center and we found out that was a lie.

My H went over to see her and she nor the car was there. That began the beginning of what would be the endless hell she would put us through. She didn't come home that night. When she did she was high as a kite. She admitted there was no job. We told her that she couldn't drive if this was the case and she became upset. We also found out that she had an guinea pig hidden in her room and had received some money at Walmart for over $2000.

We told her she had to get rid of the animal and when we asked about the money she said she was picking it up for a friend. She was upset about the car being taken away and threatened that she would not go to school. The next evening I was coming home from work and she said she was taking the guinea pig to a friends home and I asked her to wait for me so that I could take her. But she didn't. While my H went to the store and she grabbed some of her things and the animal and left our home. Long story short she left us holding the bag in regards to the car and school. We later found out she met a guy on Instagram who she ran off with and who was verbally and physically abusing her. The guy broke her phone, her glasses and even tossed her ID's. She wasn't working and would communicate via text messages but the answers were brief.

In Feb 2017 her brother was leaving to go to the Army and we convinced her to come to his goodbye party. It was obvious she was covering bruises. It pained me to see her living like this and I begged her to come home. After some struggle she finally did, but it was only because she had some kind of communication with her current BF going on who ultimately was the same personality. Abusive.

When she came home in February 2017 it didn't take long for her to take off and stay at this guy's mothers apt. She left in April and then came back in July and then left that same month after I kicked her out for having him in my home while I was away. She became violent when she came over one day wanting to pick up her things and screaming and banging on my doors. I called the police. I had just had knee surgery and she said she was going to kick me in my knee. It was a scary time. And yes I forgave that and I shouldn't have. Because later on when we got into an argument over her BF she was pointing her hand into my face and then took her finger and hit it into my head. I got up and grabbed her and pushed her back and told her to never put her hands on me and this changed us forever. 

Although she was here she didn't stop with the verbal abuse and I just don't trust her or her BF. My H and I wanted to help her buy some time and asked her to come home in October. She got a job in a daycare and needed a car to get there. We wanted to help her eventually get reenrolled in school once we felt she had earned that and try help her get her life back on track. We were even willing to meet with the BF to clear the air but he refused saying that he hated us and didn't respect us and added more colorful language about the topic.

We had rules for our D. She had to respect us and our home. She could not smoke in our car. Then one day I found a container that had marijuana remnants in it. There were also cigarette holes in my car seats that she admitted that her BF created. The BF smashed my car keys as well during a fight with her last month. All of this while she was with him and she allowed it and didn't say anything to us. I found this out upon inspection of my car and when I asked for the key and found it in the condition it was in. There was no apology... .she said s*** happens. which I thought was unacceptable.

After all of this the restriction became using the car to and from work only. But of course this doesn't help her as her BF has no car. I told her that she wasn't going to use my car for his benefit. That I was never going to do anything that indirectly benefits him either. She didn't like that and flipped out on me. So I have stuck to my guns on this but the disrespect has been tremendous.

Last week the BF had a stomach virus and she was fighting me about taking him to the hospital and I got upset and told her to tell him to call 911. Not my monkey, not my circus. I told her that she could not use my car to go see him. To call a friend or his mother. But of course they wont do anything like that for her as I am sure she has burned a lot of bridges.

Later that week I told my D not to come home. That I was done with the drama. Her BF texted me that he was tired of how I am with my D and threatened recently to have someone come over and slap the crap out of me. This upset me and I called my D and told her about this and she didn't care. Which only makes me believe that if this guy caused me harm she would be ok with it.

She told me the only reason she was in my home was to use my car. Not to plan a future or do anything better with her life. So here we are. Today or in a week when she has no money I will get a call saying she wants to come home because she needs to get to work. At this point I don't care.

It's hurtful to me how she doesn't care about me or my feelings. How she blames me for everything that she can't do. I don't know my D. I feel like I am talking to a stranger when we are together. I can tell that she holds back.

The only tears she sheds is for that loser. There is no remorse, no insight, no nothing. I cant see how I can help her anymore. I just cant. I just have to do whatever it takes to help myself. I feel like I have been drowning. I wish I could turn back time. I would have stopped her from thinking she could continue those things that are so disrespectful to me.

Her MO has been to get in trouble and stay with the BF 4 or 5 days of the week and call me about coming home. But the story is never different she will say everything I want to hear and change everything when she is here. She will have to leave all of a sudden and she wont respect the fact that she has no house keys and I tell her to be home before I go to bed. I don't care to wake up at 12am on a work night to open doors. 

She recently told me ' you think I want to disrespect you? I do it because I want you to know that I am serious. Like stop treating me like a 5 year old" .  I told her that I treat her like an adult and it is not my fault that she is not responsible and even a 5 year old will respect their parent if they know what is good for them.

So its not so good for me to have these conversations with her. Because they really go nowhere. They don't make me or anything better. I am looking forward to the support and guidance... .

[Huat]

Once again, Jnel921, I will say that I am glad you are here and I so hope that this, combined with the work you do with your therapist, will have life turning around for you and your family.  It may not end up being the life you envisioned but isn't that the way it is with life?  The secret is to accept what is... .IS... .deal with it... .and move on.

Indeed, your story is a head-shaker.  You've been on a rocky, rocky journey with your daughter, trying to save her from herself... .trying as hard as you can to keep that safety net under her.  She knows it is there.   You love your daughter and the thought of what could happen if you pull that safety net away is frightening for you.  I'm a Mom.  I totally understand.  Far be it for me to counsel you on doing anything different from what you have been doing.  Those are decision only you can make.   

For me?  I had to get mad... .really mad... .said enough is enough.  We were in a vicious cycle with our daughter.   Our lives for so many years pivoted on what was happening with her.  We let her control our lives.  That had to change and we were the only ones who could make that change.  She is not liking the shift that has happened and we are dealing with fallout... .but we are also feeling empowered.

It is so sad to read of the abuse your daughter has been subjected to from boyfriends.  So hard to look at the bruises on your child inflicted by the losers she gravitates to.  So hard to fathom that she goes back for more.  As hard as you try to influence her decisions, sadly they are HER decisions. 

When our kids were little and learning to walk, part of the process was letting them fall and then letting them learn how to get up.  We tried our best to keep their environment safe but they were not always within our eyesight.  There were lessons they had to learn on their own.

The one suggestion I will leave with you (and maybe you have done this already) is to do your homework and have information available to give to your daughter regarding counselling/therapy. 

My heart goes out to you!  This is not easy.  You, none of us, thought this would be the life we would share with that precious child we gave birth to. We've been (and will continue to be!) the best parents we know how to be.  Be confident in knowing that! 

One day at a time, Jnel921.  Givin' you a ((HUG) .

Huat 

[Jnel921]

Thanks looking forward to posting and sharing!