Daughter phoned

[PyneappleDays]

My daughter phoned me this morning. She was heartbroken that her father has only recently returned 1 of her phone calls.  He talks in a monotone voice with her regard.  She phones him ( he lives in another province) because supposedly he said he would pay for her cell phone.  I don’t think that he said he would.  She asked him when he was coming to visit.  He said he didn’t know maybe next year.

He has a newly house built where he lives, Mexico and Florida.  I think he still has a place here.  Don’t know.  DD is still angry about abandoning both of us.

I try to explain to her that he has some form of BPD but I’m not sure (he has the characteristics).  He’s from a different culture.  I tell her to concentrate on the here and now on her future (school a job, better connections, help) and me.  I’m here and not going anywhere.

I want to tell her the problem is he’s embarrassed by her.  She doesn’t listen to anything he says.  He’s always been like this if you don’t do as he says he will right you off and compare you to everyone who is better than you.  He did this to me his first wife and his own son.  Right now the son who also has a problem (26 still lives at home can’t hold down a job or a relationship just finished college) is in his good books because he came back saying all the things he wanted to hear.

Her family ( my side of the family)keeps telling her we don’t like your lifestyle or where you live.  We love you but we’re not happy with your choices.  We need you to be safe.

I think with this disorder they endure a lot of loss.  What am I supposedly to tell her? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi PyneappleDays,

I would validate the feelings behind her words regarding her relationship with her father.

[twojaybirds]

I too would validate  such as things like

You sound sad   or   that must be frustrating

then remember you cannot change her nor his choices  so concentrate on what you can do and what is in your control.

[vivekananda]

Hi PyneappleDays,

Here is a link to an expert on validation. It might make more sense to you after you have watched it:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

It goes for over 50 mins and is excellent. Your dd wants to be listened to, understood, she doesn't want you to tell her what to do. She has to learn that for herself, doesn't she?

Let me know what you think, ok?


Vivek