Crunch time is approaching for DS

[Kate4queen]

Our house is up for sale. We've set a date to move on June 18th.

3 months ago, we offered our BPD son a contract saying we would continue to support him and stating how much $ we would give him a month to finish up school, pay rent etc. We also offered a similar deal to his 19 yr old brother who wants to live with BPD brother.

Neither of them accepted or signed the agreement.

Instead, 19 yr old buried his head in the sand, and left everything to BPD brother who of course hasn't got anything organized and whose emails to us have grown increasingly combative and who, of course, expects to leave everything to the last minute and for us to rush in and fix things.

Not happening anymore.

The latest few emails were about where he'd decided to live (a dangerous city)-with no regard to his brother's wishes or educational needs.

We said no.

Now the family that took him in last November have told him to move out June 1st.

So we get the email demanding we give him $ for a hotel because we have deliberately ruined all his attempts to get an apartment with his brother and that we are horrible bitter people. We already give him $600 a month.

It's all our fault that he's now going to be homeless, and living in his car.)

It's sad but I don't actually mind if he has to do that.

If he'd just kept his mouth shut for a couple more weeks we were actually helping younger son to look at apartments, and contemplating paying older son's college for one more year.

Now we're thinking maybe we should just stand back and let him fail, insist our younger son comes with us when we move, just until his bro sorts himself out.

Sometimes it feels as if the more we rush in to help, the more we are blamed for everything and the less he does for himself. The only way he ever seems to learn is when he hits a big fat wall of reality and crashes and burns.

He's 22, is it time to let him do that and then come in and try and pick up the pieces?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Vivgood]

At 22, its GOOD to move off on one's own to a scary place with no money! That's how one grows. Personally, we only provide  help to adult kids who are in school and/or working. And that help is minimal, certainly not enough to pay a separate rent. They need a place to live, they can live in our house with our rules. We pay most school costs , medical/dent/vision, car ins, maybe cell phone (the kangaroo plan!). Anything else is up to them to pay for. Kids who HAVE A PLAN get more help; want something big? or want to do something major? put together a detailed plan and present it, with cost estimates and a way to contribute, and we'll probably help. leave it till its last-minute... . a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. But you know, say it with empathy! It really does suck to be unable to plan or forecast while all your peers are dreamin' big.


Viv

[Vivgood]

As for picking up pieces... . I think it depends on how big the pieces are. Early 20s are still learning how to think and act long-term, so they WILL fail at stuff, and thats okay. Picking up the pieces yourself is part of the maturation process. But for a BPD, the fails can be epic, and they can become overwhelmed pretty easily. Went on a road trip with insufficient cash and no backup plan? Call and want mom to send a ticket home because you're sick and your friend is being "mean"? NO . So sorry you feel sick! Its tough to be in that situation! I'd feel pretty stressed too! best to lay low and wait it out. Same road trip results in a car crash and you are in the ER with injuries... . YES . thats something a parent may need to help fix.  Its a fine line sometimes, but you don't want to rob a BPD kid of the priceless gift of solving his own problems, you just want to be aware he has a harder time and be prepared to nudge him along more. Lots of validation and support as you allow him to pick up his own pieces, and rescue only when actual health and well-being are impacted.

vivgood

[Kate4queen]

Thank you Vivgood, you make a lot of sense.

coming to terms with the fact that he might do something really dangerous or stupid to himself has been very hard, but we also can't keep saving him.

[pessim-optimist]

Now we're thinking maybe we should just stand back and let him fail, insist our younger son comes with us when we move, just until his bro sorts himself out.

Hi Kate,

I have a thought. Hope it is not too direct (maybe I am missing an important part of the picture).

You describe two sons, who are over 18. One BPD, one non. Both have been offered a contract, neither has accepted. They have both in their own ways been irresponsible in finding a solution to their living situation. Now, the BPD son (one with an illness) will be left to fail (which is an ok consequence), and the one without BPD, will be protected from the consequences for his actions... .

What makes them different?

If it is the fact that you are willing to let the younger one live at your place and not the older one; now that would be an explanation.

However, if I was in the same situation as you, I would probably let my younger son come to his own conclusions/solutions and if he would ask to stay with me, I would allow him to, however, with defined expectations and responsibilities - as an adult member of the family... .

Just trying to think of how the situation would otherwise appear unfair from your older son's perspective... .

[angeldust1]

Kate,

Yes I agree,    I too,  believe in consequences for actions.  However the average male really doesn't fully mature until about age 35,  bit of a scary thought,  but true. 

But 18 and 22, boys living together without supervision  is a recipe for disaster,  I too would provide school tuition,  and a place to stay at home, as long as rules are followed,   but no separate rent for sure.  Two young boys in an apt together is asking for trouble.  I also believe no help should be provided if they are not working and/ or in school.  Parents that provide funding for kids to stay home are out of their mind,  not I'm saying you are doing that. 

The bible says no work no food!

The key is to help them to mature kindly but firmly,  and not enable them.  Tender justice with mercy. But justice also means reaping consequences for actions.

hope this helps,  sending hugs your way

angeld

[Reality]

The brain isn't hard-wired until the age of 24.  I am talking all brains, not just BPD brains.  Countless parents have told me how their young adults really seemed to 'get it' once they turned 24.  Just saying... .

Reality

[Kate4queen]

The brain isn't hard-wired until the age of 24.  I am talking all brains, not just BPD brains.  Countless parents have told me how their young adults really seemed to 'get it' once they turned 24.  Just saying... .

Reality

yup, my eldest is 24 (my aspie) and he's finally getting it together. I'm so pleased for him.

The other two are still works in progress.

And I think we've made the mistake of enabling them all, which hasn't helped our BPD son at all. Even after 7 months out of our house, he still insists that everything wrong in his life is our fault, and that we have to fix everything for him.

We just aren't prepared to do that anymore.

[Reality]

Does he really mean that he doesn't know how to make things better and he is terrified?  Projection is a good first step. 

Maybe the start of a conversation.

Is the blaming an attempt to get a conversation going? 

Does the blame mean ' I am in too much pain.'?

It must be  terrifying to be walking on a conveyor belt and at the same time to be going nowhere.

Reality

[Kate4queen]

Does he really mean that he doesn't know how to make things better and he is terrified?  Projection is a good first step. 

Maybe the start of a conversation.

Is the blaming an attempt to get a conversation going? 

Does the blame mean ' I am in too much pain.'?

It must be  terrifying to be walking on a conveyor belt and at the same time to be going nowhere.

Reality

I'm sure he is terrified and I'm sure he is projecting.

We're not at a point where we are able to start a conversation. It's sad. Every attempt we have made to help him over the past 7 months has led to him using that conversation as a way to tell us again how awful we are, how much we are to blame for everything wrong in his life and how we need to fix everything for him pronto- and to threaten to kill himself. (No one else sees this of course).

When he lived with us, that was the cycle. He used to get so full of rage and self-hatred that he'd eventually drag us all into his vortex, cause massive emotional damage, and drag everyone down to his level of pain. At which point when we were all lying bleeding on the floor, he'd get up and walk out feeling better about himself, crisis over until the next time.

He can't do that over email but he still tries to, and it makes every interaction impossible.

We try and remain positive, applaud him when he does something for himself, and put the ball back in his court.

At the moment, he's negotiating about getting an apartment in the city he wants to live in with someone else, completely forgetting about his brother. We're still working with him and financially supporting him.

It's just so difficult when as a parent all you want to do is jump in and fix everything.

[griz]

Kate4queen:

I so understand when you say as a parent you want to jump in and fix everything, a problem I had for a long time.  It has only been going through DBT group and therapy that I have learned and able to see things more clearly.  This is not helpful to anyone, not just BPD.  When I look back at my own growing up I had a brother who is not BPD but was needy.  My parents did everything for him because in their mind he needed their help.  Today he is 55 years old and still cannot really function on his own.  His wife takes care of him, the world revolves around him, he has more excuses than Heinz has pickles and even now his youngest son has the burden of taking care of him.  I on the other hand sort of got left to do for myself, not that my parents didn't love me... . they did but they just saw me as the strong one that didn't need their help.  I made plenty of mistakes growing up but I learned from them. Albeit the hard way but I did learn.  In my high school years I thought having a good time was all that was important so I learned the hard way, when all my friends were going away to college I was stuck home at community college because I barely passed my high school classes. Well I learned really fast that I better change my ways and I did and went on to a fine 4 year school. I have a friend who has a son who is 36 years old.  He is not BPD but he has issues.  They coddle him, do for him, live their lives around him and now at 36 he can't get out of his own way and they are miserable. 

Whether our children have BPD or not we help them grow by making them do for themselves.  Yes they will stumble and fall and we can be there to help them get up but then send them on their way again.  Putting the ball back in his court is great.  You remain positive, applaud him and then let him move on.  There are so many times that I want to tell my DD what she should do but I have learned that I can make a suggestion when she asks but in the end she has to make her own decisions and hopefully they are made in "wise mind".  They aren't always but when they aren't hopefully she learns from this.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

Thank you, Griz