Yup. I do. So the best thing when she pushes is to back off?
Give her the same signal... .but "cut it in half". She is giving you a push... .so very gently acknowledge that you will step away. In this instance her "suggestion" or indirect way of letting you know that she didn't want you to come over was very mild. I still think the proper response was a direct question that puts the ball in her court.
"I wanted you to fight for me".
We all know this doesn't make sense. No need to help her understand this. Listen... .let her talk. Be there for her... . Really... .stuff like this. Just listen.
Not sure what to do. If you think it's best with BPDish people to back off when they push, then that's what I will start to do.
Got it - ask questions and her permission.
Close... .ask direct questions. Put the ball in her court. Respect her choice to communicate... .or not. It's not so much "permission" as respect.
I asked her, "Hey, what happened last night?"
She said, "I fell asleep at 7PM with M".
I told her I knocked on her door loudly, rang the buzzer (which is very loud) and called several times. She said she didn't hear it. Not sure I actually believe that. The buzzer is right next to her bedroom door and it would be really hard to sleep through that. In fact, a couple weeks ago I buzzed and she woke up and answered the door.
So I don't know what to make of that. Sounds bogus. Whatever. I brushed it off.
Why play with fire?
What possible good could come from this conversation... .compared to the minefield around that?
She made a comment that I "broke her heart". She quickly recanted it, but it was obvious it was true. I know she feels like I broke her heart every time I flew to California.
Dude... .this is one area where a "gentle" push is warranted. Nice friendly... .slightly concerned tone.
"Oh babe... .I would like to hear about your heart... "
if she recants... .
"It would mean a lot to me if your shared your heart... . I'm open to listen when you are comfortable." Then drop it. See how you expressed yourself and
put the ball in her court
We walked our daughter to Kindergarten and - for the first time - held hands as we walked. I was shocked.
As long as she is the one doing the reaching... .this is likely ok. She is giving a pull signal. Remember the mantra... ."cut it in half and give it back to her"
So... perhaps at end of walk... .Give her gentle pat on back... .or touch on arm "Enjoyed taking our daughter to school... "
I have gone back and forth thinking that she manipulates and hurts intentionally. That is the place I have been coming from for a long time.
It just feels so intentional: the twisting of he knife when withholding my daughter. The breaking up when I'm out of town. The changing of the locks. The smearing me to our friends as a bad guy who "left her and our daughter". The booking a trip over Christmas so I couldn't spend time with our daughter. And so on.
It seems so well-planned and thought out. She knows my pain points.
But I'm now starting to think maybe she really doesn't plan any of this - that it's simply a self-protective instinct. Or a defense mechanism to protect herself because she is so hurt. And the only way she can handle the idea of me leaving her with a baby would be to push me away first so she is "in control". So she could handle it better since it would be her "choice".
She doesn't plan this.
But it is predictableDude... .get an extra cup of coffee. Clear your head.
What are the implications for you, your daughter and your r/s that
you know her playbook?
I've never met your pwBPD. How is it that I ... .sitting her drinking coffee and staring at a stupid amount of snow outside... .am able to understand the behavior... reasonably predict things. Full disclosure: Also pouring extra cereal for my D3!
Certainly not an exact science... .but I assure you... .
ignore the playbook at your peril.
And know... .ignoring the playbook can have an affect on your daughter and her future.